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Expectations - 10/7/2006 1:36:40 PM   
ricar00


Posts: 45
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline 		In my experience there are complaints from both Dommes and sub/slaves that they can't find the right person or that subs are .... or domme are ....  And, supposedly there is a huge number of male subs/slaves to female dominant ratio. Yet I hear from Dommes that they have a really difficult time findingthe right sub/slave. And of course there are the complaints of male subs that they can't find the right domme for them.  Of course there are so many different factors, suchs as location, age, compatibility play wise andrelation-wise, etc.  
My question is this:
     Are the expectations of a Domme for what she wants in a sub/slave as unrealistic as the fantasy-objectexpectations of subs?  It seems that everyone knows that a lot of male sub (and i am saying male subbecause i am male and submissive) are often fantasy bound rather than realist bound about what it is like to serve a Woman.  But about the Dommes, are you also more fantasy bound than realistic in your
expectations of a male slave/sub?
    This interests me a lot.
    Thank you
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Expectations - 10/7/2006 2:13:47 PM   
sissifytoserve


Posts: 1016
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		I sometimes wonder how anyone finds anyone else in this "lifestyle" with so much "it's all about me."

So many profiles here are seemingly seeking the impossible.

Instead of looking for true interaction of sub/dom energies.

It seems like there are a lot of narcissitic people in BDSM.

I do know that crossdressers get pegged as..."Fetishists" and..."not true subs" and all that BS.

But whatever floats your proverbial boat...I guess

< Message edited by sissifytoserve -- 10/7/2006 2:32:15 PM >

_____________________________

A great mind must be androgynous
Samuel Coleridge

The uniting of the feminine and the masculine is the highest form of human development Carl Jung

(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Expectations - 10/7/2006 3:15:29 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		As you point out, there are many things.

There's attraction, if the matter is to be personal.

There's styles and preferences, or 'fit', regardless of a personal (sexual) relationship or not.

There's the determination that one or both of you is wanting the same type of relationship.

There's the match (or lack) in kinks.  As we've seen this week, a dominant and a non-submissive bottom don't match up well.

And, again depending on the type of relationship that will develop, outside interests if that is of some importance.

THEN, you throw in location and other factors.

What have you got?  Hmm?

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Expectations - 10/7/2006 5:40:48 PM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		I'm not sure if expectations are high, or there are sub/slaves and Dom/Dommes that simply have listed what they are looking for, then along comes someone who is no where NEAR what is advertized.  They note the other person and then expect that person to just change their minds.  For instance, We have a very clear profile listed.  We have what We are seeking, what We expect and so on.  If you're patient, you'll eventually click with a person who is looking for what you are looking for.

The fit doesn't have to be perfect, just workable.

What irritates Me is when someone notes me, clearly NOT what We are looking for, then gets snippy when I tell them 'thank you for your interest but ...' and I end up with a cyberstalker *lol*.  I love the BLOCK key, it's my best friend.




_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

(in reply to mstrjx)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Expectations - 10/7/2006 5:46:52 PM   
Kacie


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/1/2006
Status: offline 		I have had 2 serious D/s relationships, and in both cases if me and my sub had of written a profile up on collarme.com. we would have seemed quite incompatible. I don't think that profiles give a good representation of a person, you really need to get to know someone. I am guily of dismissing emails from people who appear to have incompatible profiles, which is unfortunate because i could have skipped over some subs that would have made me very happy.

I think inexperience causes people to have unrealistic expectations, and the endlessness of the internet, especially niche porn sites etc, makes it seem as if every specific need can be catered for. But in real life, bdsm isn't just kinky sex, its a form of relationship - that is something that a lot of subs on here do not seem to be searching for.

(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 4:27:45 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline 		Personally... I don't think my expectations are too high. I try to go about it one step at a time. My first expectation is that they show up.... you know? For a face to face meeting?
 
And I have to agree with Kacie. I won't know for sure what I'm looking for or expecting until it finds me. I've had the same experience.... I met my husband online and if we had just gone by the profiles it never would  have happened. I'm a firm believer in keeping an open mind about meeting subs/slaves.
 
Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 9:15:02 AM   
undergroundsea


Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		I think the larger challenge of finding someone compatible lies within a smaller pool of possible partners (people who enjoy BDSM), and that this pool is not easily identified during the course of a day. I am convinced there are multiple women with whom I could have strong BDSM, interpersonal, and situational compatibility but that our paths are unlikely to cross.

Online, I think another challenge is that often the profiles are too BDSM-centric and do not give information about other factors that determine compatibility. I think this tendency happens across all genders.

I don't think in general what dommes seek is unrealistic. Across dommes you will find those that seek romantic D/s (a couple that enjoys D/s) as well as different forms of relationships without a romantic component or towards play. Some forms of play D/s relationships are indeed based on fantasy, but seeking fantasy or play only does not make expectations unrealistic.

I think there are both dommes and subs whose expectations do not adequately address reality and other considerations in life. I think anyone, domme or sub, who disregards what is in general important to the other has expectations that are unrealistic or, at least, are challenged by reality, for I think this philosophy goes against what I consider a basic principle of social psychology. Thus, I think a position that only what the domme likes matters and how the sub feels is unimportant works only to the extent that her wants and this position coincidentally align with those of the sub, and that the resulting overlap in interests and circumstances endure forces that would otherwise cause the relationship to fail.

For example, I think an expectation for sustained no-strings-attached domestic service without addressing the motivation behind the domestic service is an unrealistic one.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 10/8/2006 9:28:55 AM >

(in reply to ShiftedJewel)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 9:39:38 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ricar00
Are the expectations of a Domme for what she wants in a sub/slave as unrealistic as the fantasy-objectexpectations of subs?  It seems that everyone knows that a lot of male sub (and i am saying male subbecause i am male and submissive) are often fantasy bound rather than realist bound about what it is like to serve a Woman.  But about the Dommes, are you also more fantasy bound than realistic in your
expectations of a male slave/sub?


I don't think I am fantasy-bound at all, but am rather very selective, as the person I am seeking would be a life partner as well as My slave.  Therefore, it is important that W/we have compatability on many levels, not just BDSM.  I have met several gentlemen in the flesh and blood who meet My criteria, so that tells Me that they're not unrealistic.  Now it is a matter of finding the right one, which of course takes time, patience, and the right chemstry.
 
Now, if I were only seeking a casual play partner, My criteria would be far less stringent.  For that, only compatible BDSM interests and a basic liking of the person is all that is required.  Finding that is very, very easy and wouldn't even require an ad on Collarme.  The local BDSM community is teeming with individuals only interested in casual play with no desire for a long-term relationship.
 
That being said, I have seen people on both sides of the fence with very unrealistic expectations.  I know a middle-aged, overweight, average-looking, average-income male sub who thinks he must have a 20-something, stunning, slender, brown-eyed, brunette Domme.  Needless to say, with what he has to offer, he has trouble attracting a vanilla woman meeting those crtieria, let alone a Domme.  I also heard of a Domme who demanded a gift card just for providing her photo, other Dommes who demand cash of proof of a sub's sincerity before even meeting him, etc., so there are unrealistic expectations on both sides of the fence.
 
Lady Topaz


(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 9:58:49 AM   
MsCece2u


Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline 		This is very interesting as I just had this very conversation with a submissive at lunch on Monday.  I will admit when I first looked at his profile I was like hmmmm I don't think we will fit well together.  But through emails and phone conversations I found that we had that certain spark.  As one of the other Lady's said it was about it being a workable situation which I have found it will be.  Though it may not be the "perfect" fit he more than meets the majority of My expectations. 
 
While there may be some Dommes out there with what may seem to be unconceivably high expectations and requirements to one submissive there is a submissive out there that can meet all of that and will go beyond. 

_____________________________

Ms Cece
Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to MysticFireTopaz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 10:48:33 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		For Myself, I have a profile that specifically focuses on the Mistress/slave and the Domination/submission aspects, rather than a relationship that will incorporate kinky play. 
And I get many who like to gloss over the Domination and submission part of things.  Unfortunately, this is the most important basis of the relationship for Me.  All the play compatibility in the world does not make up for a disobedient one who says s/he is slave.  For they are slave only when it is convenient for them, or when they are in the mood and they remain in a personal comfort zone.  I am not sure who ever gave the impression that it is easy to be a slave.  It is hard, and one of the reasons why I have respect for those who choose this life path. 
I don't feel My expectations are too high.  I am in charge, and what I say goes.  Now it is up to the slave to determine if s/he can give what I expect.  Obedience and devotion.  There is nothing conditional about this.  Get to know Me and you might find that I am not so hard to get along with.  Keep a fantasy of thinking that you can have things your way when you want them your way, and we will not get along.
So I am not only interested in play limits, I am also interested in life limits.  If there are life limits that really don't affect Me, I am probably good with that.  If there are life limits that do affect Me, then I am not good with it. 
It seems simple to Me, but it is not so simple for the petitioners in real time.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 10/8/2006 10:50:28 AM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 11:38:01 AM   
maledave777


Posts: 67
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		I think it takes time to find someone. I do not think that you will match another person’s list perfected. I believe it takes time to get to know them. I believe that open communicates is the key for the relationship to grow. You may find out that you have more things in common with each other.
I, myself am looking for a long-term relationship with a dominant woman. I would love for the relationship to become 24/7.

(in reply to ricar00)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Expectations - 10/8/2006 1:47:54 PM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		(quick reply)

I have a list of things that are deal breakers for me.  If in that area, I don't consider a submissive.  However, I do not expect my list of likes to line up exactly to anyone.  If they did, I would think it might get boring.  If people have enough compatibilities to work well with each other and enough differences to make it interesting, that will do it for me. 

It takes time to find a "perfect" match and one should not compromise on their main ideals.  However, one should also consider that perfect does not mean line for line compatibility either. 

_____________________________

-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

(in reply to maledave777)
Profile   Post #: 12
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