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Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 6:28:32 PM   
fritzkatt1955


Posts: 9
Joined: 10/9/2005
Status: offline 		I am currently married to my wife of  ten years where our relationship started kinky then has slowly changed to vanilla.  She now wants no part of the lifestyle and thinks anyone involved in this lifestyle is strange.  Yes I have discussed the the BDSM issue; argued about the BDSM issue; tried to be vanilla but I keep wanting a master/slave relationship.

I have not attened munches or play parties because somehow I feel this would be cheating since we are still married and would add to our problems.  My question to all who would like to respond is how many have left vanilla marriages (usually a to a good spouse) to explore a BDSM lifestyle? 

Did you find your dream and what you were looking for?

Thanks for you feedback.

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 6:31:19 PM   
cuddleheart50


Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		The grass is never greener on the other side, ....Thats just my opinion..Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.


(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 6:32:41 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fritzkatt1955

I am currently married to my wife of  ten years where our relationship started kinky then has slowly changed to vanilla.  She now wants no part of the lifestyle and thinks anyone involved in this lifestyle is strange.  Yes I have discussed the the BDSM issue; argued about the BDSM issue; tried to be vanilla but I keep wanting a master/slave relationship.

I have not attened munches or play parties because somehow I feel this would be cheating since we are still married and would add to our problems.  My question to all who would like to respond is how many have left vanilla marriages (usually a to a good spouse) to explore a BDSM lifestyle? 

Did you find your dream and what you were looking for?

Thanks for you feedback.




I left.

(And I found my dream:  Not being with her).

And no...the grass is never greener.

< Message edited by LTRsubNW -- 10/7/2006 6:34:43 PM >

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 6:51:42 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I left my vanilla marriage. But seriously, whether i had bdsm was not the reason, though it did factor.

I agree with you, that going to outside of the marriage to munches is cheating. Any energy invested in relationships outside of a marriage, will detract from the energy available to invest. But im kind of a stickler about cheating, i give 100%, i expect 100%.

But its really tough, when you have a need for some kink, and your partner doesnt. Your left feeling unfulfilled in that area of your life.
But as people, we need (not want) several things. Love, friendship, respect, honesty, care etc. If you have these things, yet no kink, i guess you have to decide what is important for You. What can you or cant you do without need wise.

Something else to consider. Im in a long term D/s 24/7 relationship. And when life bites us on the arse, we dont get quite so kinky anymore, it gets prioritised by having to find a new home, or relocate, or just too damn tired from being ill. So even in a 'given' situation, just like vanilla, there are droughts of kink. This is my 3rd, long term relationship. So you can see, i dont stick around when its over. But in each of those relationships, there have been phases of lust, phases of celibacy depending on how things are for each of you at the time.

Sometimes, people can come to a agreement of getting their fix elsewhere. Personally, i cant see myself agreeing to this if the time should come that one of us is no longer interested. I made monogamy a limit. But for some, that works. As long as all parties involved are in the know, i see no issue. But if there's a No sign, for getting a fix elsewhere, and you really do need this in your life, not just want, then personally, i would recommend leaving.

I wouldnt want to be a sub for a married man. Sloppy seconds just aint good enough for me.
littleone

(in reply to LTRsubNW)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 7:19:21 PM   
mstrjx


Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
Status: offline 		I was aware of my kinks when I was married, but that was not the issue that caused our divorce.

I would define the grass being greener differently than others.  For me, declaring myself to be a part of WIITWD was all I needed for me to be happy.

I have not had the end-all-be-all relationship of my dreams 'yet', but if I get there it will be my last.

And if it doesn't happen at all, I will have had more wonderful experiences than 100 truckloads of wannabe's that pass through on their vacation from vanillahood.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 7:23:52 PM   
zebrastripes


Posts: 33
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: fritzkatt1955

I am currently married to my wife of  ten years where our relationship started kinky then has slowly changed to vanilla.  She now wants no part of the lifestyle and thinks anyone involved in this lifestyle is strange.  Yes I have discussed the the BDSM issue; argued about the BDSM issue; tried to be vanilla but I keep wanting a master/slave relationship.

I have not attened munches or play parties because somehow I feel this would be cheating since we are still married and would add to our problems.  My question to all who would like to respond is how many have left vanilla marriages (usually a to a good spouse) to explore a BDSM lifestyle? 

Did you find your dream and what you were looking for?

Thanks for you feedback.




I have never been married, but came close once.  I think that only you can answer this question though.  If you can have a happy marriage without WIITWD don't toss it away. 
 
My own personal choice was to end the engagement and I have never been sorry that I did.

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 7:35:31 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline 		sounds like your weighing the odds of finding greener pastures..... I would hate to think you would make this choice to end your relationship based on the success of others.   You need to look within yourself and your relationship... Not to others.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/7/2006 7:35:47 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I was married for 10 years to a vanilla husband.  He recently passed away, however in order for me to be happy he allowed me to follow my needs into this world of BDSM.  I don't think he was happy about it but preferred that over divorce.  He liked his stuff and i think he loved me as well.  I sometimes wonder if he would have still died had i stayed in the vanilla only world.  I know that for me to have done so would have killed my soul and that IMO would have been worse than the dealth of my body. 

It is a tough question and only one you can answer.  I had and continue to have a married  Dom.  The death has changed dynamics some but it is still all good.  As for not wanting to be a sub for a married man that is a personal decision each must make for themselves.  While i was married a married Dom was perfect for me.  Now i continue my submission to the same Dom and am not considering leaving the relationship.  Don't think i could find anyone better and not going to look!!

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to zebrastripes)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/8/2006 1:08:15 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I didn't leave my marriage first. I sat down with my then husband and explained my needs. We talked about it and came to an agreement about some things that made him comfortable with the idea. Then, I stuck to my agreement. We eventually did end up splitting, mostly due to us growing apart and changing, not the BDSM.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/8/2006 6:31:29 AM   
mp072004


Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		You have options other than divorce and be kinky or stay married and be vanilla.

- You and your wife can agree that she bottoms to you or plays submissive periodically in exchange for something she wants. The thing she wants can be in or out of the bedroom. This way, you can remain monogamous, and each of you can be a little unsatisfied.

- You and your wife can develop a non-monogamous agreement, essentially, a revision of your marriage contract. This will involve a conversation--probably several conversations--like MasterFire and her husband had. Perhaps your wife is okay with you interacting with another person to fulfill your BDSM desires so long as you keep it relatively discreet. Perhaps hitting people is okay but penetrative sex is not. Please be prepared for her to outline a set of things she wants, too, perhaps involving taking an outside lover of her own. Make this agreement specific, and try not to use words like "cheating" to describe non-monogamous behavior, or even 'questionable' behavior like going to munches and socials. It's unfaithful to do things that violate your agreement. It's not unfaithful to do things that your agreement allows.

Good luck!
Monica

(in reply to fritzkatt1955)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/8/2006 6:47:22 AM   
becca333


Posts: 1050
Joined: 4/11/2006
Status: offline 		How good is the relationship otherwise?  Is it all great except for this?

Do you feel cheated somehow, that she offered this lifestyle and backed away from it?  Do you resent that?

Is there some level of play, no matter how light, that she'd be prepared to tolerate?

Are unmentionables involved?

You need to communicate really clearly with her, find out what's possible to resolve this, and then decide if you can be satisfied with that for the rest of your life.  Only you can know what works for you.

(in reply to mp072004)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Vanilla Spouse - 10/8/2006 6:59:41 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		A friend of mine had a similar situation. He tried to do everything she wanted and still maintain a sense of himself. Finally, when he realized this was impossible, he informed her that he understands that she was aware of his proclivities when they married but has since changed her mind. He also informed her that he hasn't changed his mind about these things and that from now on, he was going to be doing the things that matter to him in full view of her (not in her face, but not hiding where he was and what he was doing either). He informed her that he loved her and would be at every family function and never embarrass her in front of family and neighbors, but that he WOULD be doing what he wanted to do - and that this would include sexual situations. He also told her that he fully understood if she couldn't live like that, but that he was making his decision about bdsm in the same manner she'd made hers. He left it in her lap to make the decision as to whether to stay or go.

She told him that if he was going to do this, that she didn't want to know the submissives' names or what they did together. He agreed. She stayed. 

They have had a marriage of 30+ years. He has had submissives in his life. On the evenings he was seeing the submissives, he'd pack his toy bag, kiss his wife and children and walk out the door. In 30+ years, he's never had to lie to her, never had to lie to the submissives he's had and led a fulfilling family life as well as D/s life. He's attended munches, parties, had weekends alone with his submissives and never once missed a family function. The men in his neighborhood think he's amazing because he comes and goes as he pleases. The women in his neighborhood think he's an amazing man because he's so attentive to his wife. His submissives think he's an amazing man because he's so attentive to them. It takes a lot of work and a lot of understanding on everyone's part, but after 30+ years, I'd say something's working out right.

I consider how they worked things out to be one of the most unusual and honorable things I've ever seen.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 10/8/2006 7:07:08 AM >

(in reply to becca333)
Profile   Post #: 12
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