Some advice needed.

Some advice needed. (Full Version)

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Guest -> Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:01:18 AM)
Good day, Just a little advice needed from other Doms here. If you have a girl who for intents and purposes is vanilla, finds out that you have your collection of toys and what you do. Then suddenly is asking to be whipped and making comments like your my Master... and so on. Because she wants "something different". What ways do you use to determine if shes for really or just interested in being "kinky" in her head. I have made damn sure I have told her I will not touch her untill Im ready 100% becuase she has traits that would indicat she would be a good Sub/Slave. But something seems sketchy... My impression is I should just say no and go my way... Your advice?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:10:31 AM)
I say take your time and enjoy eachother. I see no reason to prevent ALL exploration just because this might be a fad for her. You know how many guys would be thrilled to have a girl so enthused with your kinky hobbies? So play lightly, if you don't want her to call you master yet, tell her so, have long talks about what this means to you and what this means to her and help her develop her own perspective. She may grow into you, she may outgrow you, she may decide it's not for her at all. But that's what building relationships is all about. I say better to work together and be open and take the opportunities you have been given. The fact that YOU felt the need to hide this from her to start with mightin fact show a lack of security on YOUR part more than an insecurity with HER. Try and use this as an opportunity for you both to be happy as you are. Even if it doesn't work out, it will be a great experience for you both.

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:18:05 AM)
Makes sense I have tried talking to her about it but she doesnt seem to grasp the concept. And it wasnt that I hid it from her out of any secuirty concerns, I just dont talk about my interests unless I know the person will understand what its about. Although I have repeatly told her I am in no way her Master and she just keeps calling me that its annoying.. lol

krikket -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:30:00 AM)
You could recommend books, and/or websites to read, introduce her to this (or other sites) that you think could teach her or lead her to more self-reflection. As is often said on here (and everywhere else, for all types of relationships), communication is the absolute key. Help her to feel safe so that you can both ask questions. Make sure to include laughter and play so that she can see not only the importance of a D/s relationship (if that's your goal), but that it's also just damn fun..lol. It sounds to me like You both have the opportunity of a lifetime, to explore your present and your future. After all, at the worst she'll discover it's not for her and at the best she'll be a lifelong devoted and loyal sub/slave. Good luck!! jimini

mstrjx -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:30:34 AM)
Be thankful she didn't go ballistic and call you 'sick'. It does give you time and room to allow things to happen anyway. If BDSM is ultimately how you want any of your relationships to be, if she's really vanilla she'll lose your interest anyway. Right? If she does find interest in you AND your interests, then you will have done both of you a good turn. As I see it. Jeff

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 11:39:06 AM)
quote: Be thankful she didn't go ballistic and call you 'sick'. that is very true... like I said previously though.. something just seems sketchy about it to me and Im not sure how to determine one way or the other.

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 12:44:26 PM)
I think i have answered my own question I dont trust her to be straight up and level.. hence the sketchy bit. So I dont think it would be worth while to find out... I know her well enough for that... without trust there is nothing sometimes I just need to get my ideas out of my head and infront of me to get a better picture...

Lordandmaster -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 12:57:47 PM)
Then why the hell is she your girlfriend? Am I missing something? quote: ORIGINAL: SYNister I dont trust her to be straight up and level.. hence the sketchy bit. So I dont think it would be worth while to find out... I know her well enough for that... without trust there is nothing

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 1:14:50 PM)
Look for what is making it feel "sketchy". In reality, you'll most likely find that it's you that is afraid of something (man, have I been there, done that). For example, maybe it feels this way because you want someone who finds this to be serious and not just in it for the thrill....because, if you become emotionally vulnerable to the realness that you hope for and then find out it's only play for her, you will be hurt. This is your stuff...not her stuff. You can't make her become what you want...but if you don't pursue it, you'll never know if she is or isn't. You also might find that she's not...and this might be threatening to your own sense of self...if someone you're vulnerable with doesn't take what you take seriously, then what you feel must be crap, too, and thus your identity would be at stake. Of course, this could all be projection on MY part and this isn't what's going on at all. I'm just sayin'...look at yourself and your reactions...those are the only things you can really control in this situation. Master Fire

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 2:19:53 PM)
In addition to what the others have said, she really needs to respect your wishes on the master thing. You need to sit her down and straightforward explain why. DOn't talk down to her, but at least explain your end of things and say that she doesn't have to agree with you, but she does need to respect your choice. If she feels inside herself that you are her "master" then it shouldn't be that hard to obey this order, eh?

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 2:31:13 PM)
quote: Then why the hell is she your girlfriend? Am I missing something? Just part of the process thats all... if I knew everything about a person before I got with them there would be nothing to lern no way to grow and no point. In response to MasterFireMaam : No vunerablility, it hasnt even reached that point yet, its really hard to explain.. just something about her personality that worries me is all. Its really hard to nail down, frustrating as all hell but all part of the fun I guess. and finally to LuckyAlbatross, your advice always seems well thought out fro what I have seen on the boards and is very good advice. She is getting that talk tonight and we will see what happens, but like I said something about her personality is off and I have to figure out what it is before I can trust her in anyway. But you are right after all the times I have said it and she still doesnt listen, after this if she cant work with something that simple then....

Lordandmaster -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 3:56:39 PM)
If you don't feel that you can get into BDSM with her, I honestly think you're wasting your time. What's the point? The only way you can hope to find someone compatible is to show who you really are. quote: ORIGINAL: SYNister quote: Then why the hell is she your girlfriend? Am I missing something? Just part of the process thats all... if I knew everything about a person before I got with them there would be nothing to lern no way to grow and no point.

RiotGirl -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 4:30:59 PM)
Well you could always start out slow.. light light play.. (no marks) .. light bondage.. light control.. (IE bondage and then leaving her on the bed for x time) Or even bathroom control.. so you could light play.. and work your way into other things, little steps see how she handles it. but if her personality seems sketchy dont do anything that could possibly cause you problrms. IE no marks. Nothing that can be misconstrued in another way. And the easiest ways to get rid of fakes is put them in situations that are hard for them to handle and then watch them refuse to do anything else difficult. IE - tell her if she's SO interested.. that alot of D/s has nothing to do with kink and that you might need some convincing on how serious she is and then set up some tasks. Or bathroom control or eye contact restrictions. Nothing too difficult, but something that takes effort.

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 8:15:41 PM)
Well done and done... talks were had and she had no idea what she was talking about and things were said on her part that made me even more nervous then before... thank you all for the advice and suggestions as always its nice to have a base of experiance to draw on. The hunt renews....

MagiksSlave -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 9:04:52 PM)
Honestly Sir I dont understand why you would even date someone that was a)venilla and b) someone you didnt trust or felt somethign was off about!!! always go with your gut!! Magik's slave

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 9:45:41 PM)
Simply cause for the time being I can be (or thought I could) happy either way. In some cases you really cant tell about a person till you get to know them really well, as is the case here... shrugs live and learn I guess

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 9:51:23 PM)
Sounds like she wants to combine vanilla with kink and that's actually a great idea. How were you taking care of your bdsm cravings before she found out? I've never understood why so many people have trouble combining the two. Better to have one partner to meet both your vanilla and bdsm needs, otherwise it will always seem like something is missing.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 9:54:25 PM)
Another thing, why criticize her for being curious? Think how you were when you first started. Even the most experienced doms and subs started out as newbies.

Guest -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 10:02:44 PM)
quote: why criticize her for being curious? I wasn't... I was simply stating that something about her peronality wasnt right... far be it from me to be critical of someones curiosity.... I would be more then happy to intoduce someone to the lifestyle... but if there is question to their intent then it gets to be a issue. Hell if people weren't curious we would run out of Subs and Doms real fast... Alot of the advice has been great but there are a few things here that have been mis-read or mis-interpited in greater or lesser degrees. Some of that maybe my inability to be 100% clear when trying to describe a situation.

defiantbadgirl -> RE: Some advice needed. (10/8/2006 10:14:29 PM)
Sorry for misunderstanding u. If u did introduce someone to the lifestyle would u date her too?

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