Self Forgiveness

Self Forgiveness (Full Version)

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RiotGirl -> Self Forgiveness (10/9/2006 8:27:06 PM)
oooooooo.. i was in a convo with a long time friend and they made a joke that well wasnt a smart joke to make cos i'm not up to par. So i ended up bitching about what a wicked evil person my mother was and sorta why the joke was fucked up in the first place. (he basically said that my sister was smarter then me cos she choose the right parent to live with during the divorce.. course he didnt know she's the 2nd wifes kid) Any who, so i'm bitching about the choice i made and how my mother is wicked. And how its ALL her fault cos she's fucked in the head (i'm abit cranky tonight). I explained how when i had to make the decision my mother was terrorizing me and threatening that if i went with my father i'd never see her again and how my brother just FINALLY explained that when i asked my Dad if she was right, he never answered me. AND it explained my Dad's answer a few years ago. Anyways, so i was 4 and i choose my mother cos well the thought of never seeing her again was too much to handle. And i'm STILL fucking pissed. LOLOL (talk about grudges) Because that choice effectively FUCKED up the rest of my life. One wrong choice. and my friend pops out wth "the question is can you forgive your 4 year old self" Which hit me hard as i never even contemplated i needed to forgive myself as its ALWAYS been my mothers fault. and now i'm sitting her contemplating what that non forgiveness has played apart in my life. Something as simple and stupid as that. So i guess the question is - what decisions have you made, in a long term sense that effected your life. Anyone else stumble across shit that you realise your still fucking mad at yourself about? How do you see them effecting your life today? My answer is No, actually. Because it was a weakness in me that choose my mother and continued to live with my mother - which completely ruined my child hood years and set me up for being fucked in the head during my teenage years. And i know - if i had just sucked it up and went with my father, held my ground. i can see what life would of been like, because i can look at my older brother and i see what his life was like (who managed to hold his ground)

mistoferin -> RE: Self Forgiveness (10/9/2006 8:36:33 PM)
Holy crap riot, you were FOUR!!! I'd have to say that you were incapable of making any kind of decision and that you should have never been put in the postion to have to. 4 year olds don't understand or decide what is going to be in their best interest.

RiotGirl -> RE: Self Forgiveness (10/9/2006 8:42:46 PM)
AND on TOP of that.. its all completely illogical. Because it IS her fault, you can really blame a child that young for much. Yet i seem to be able to do so. LOLOL and oddly in like the 30 minutes my friend popped that out of his mouth, things are like falling into perspective. i used to drive my family nuts with questions about the divorce, a 4 year old can only remeber so much. Literally nuts and they kept telling me to "get over it" All the anger associated with it all. The anger at my whole family for the parts they played in it. All during my teenage years i beat each of them up verbally over the parts they played. Viciously in fact, because logically they were the ones in control. They were wrong, they fucked up, they did it. All their fault, they should burn in hell. But as my friend just pointed out.... maybe the whole time - i was really just angry at myself. Such a simple little thing. And out of that simple little thing, maybe thats what i'm fear so much in my adult life. Why i cant ever stick to a decision, why i always doubt myself so much, why i'm so afraid, so angry, and so well...... simply because i dont want to ever make a wrong decision like that again. how really wierd, odd and interesting. Anyone have similiar things to share?

RiotGirl -> RE: Self Forgiveness (10/9/2006 8:48:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin Holy crap riot, you were FOUR!!! I'd have to say that you were incapable of making any kind of decision and that you should have never been put in the postion to have to. 4 year olds don't understand or decide what is going to be in their best interest. Very logical and i agree. LOLOL I have always agreed. i look at mine now and she's 5 and funny enough, lolololololol, it makes me even MADDER when i think about it. i'm like thats majorly fucked up! (and then i burn my mother in hell abit more) yet logic doesnt always play much of a part in the emotional psyche of a person.

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