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two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 5:50:49 AM   
sokinky4You


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/12/2005
Status: offline 		greetings Sir ....i've heard Masters telling me it's a bad Master who tells His sub/slave not to contact other Doms/Masters, shows a "control freak" as one Master told me. i dont know what to believe now. very important, thank You for Your time. ~kristin
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 6:20:59 AM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear Kristen-

I would never resrict my submissives commuication or interaction with others, even if I thought it was a risk to her well being- I would advise in that case, but that is her call. If she finds something she is looking for that I cannot provide- well met, merry parted, and on my way-rejoicing.

It is frequently cited as the first sign of an abusive relationship, but by itself, I'd say it is just insecurity in most cases- not a 'redflag' so much as a yellow one <g>.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

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(in reply to sokinky4You)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 7:45:12 AM   
ThorsHammer


Posts: 49
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Hi kristin,

Topcat has expressed my thoughts quite well. However, I have a couple additional thoughts.

First, I believe that a D/s relationship has to be built on trust. If I can not trust my submissive lady in her communications, then we have a real trust issue that will need to be resolved.

Second, I would make sure that if my submissive lady is having any kinds of problems with email trolls, abusive types, etc., she can feel free to send copies of thoes emails to me and I will do what I can to ensure the abuse ends. I do realize that my options in the internet world may be limited, but at least I can try. I know that any Dominant who treasures his/her submissive would do the same.

Just my thoughts,

Donn


(in reply to topcat)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 7:47:18 AM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I agree with Topcat. If I were talking to someone who told me no contact with other's in the lifestyle. I'd have to ask myself and the person why. If they had no valid reason which they would'nt. I'd have to move on and pursue others.
I've heard some reasons were. Well, I'm training you and I don't want other's getting in the way.
Or, my way of training is specific, this is your control. Do not talk to other's.

Do you realize how frustrating it is when you have a newbie looking to you for guidance then they start telling you these statements. While as excited as a person can get for finding a Dom?

Thank you for asking here, you're definately thinking with your head.

(in reply to sokinky4You)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 8:28:42 AM   
liljoy


Posts: 577
Joined: 3/25/2004
Status: offline 		yep what TopCat said. While i can understand the Doms that feel played because they have put time into a submissive and then find that submissive is unsure Whom they want or the submissive chooses Another.

i think the context decides if it's a red flag or a yellow flag.
If the "Dom" says "I don't want you to have any other input about BDSM other than mine it would be a red flag. i think soon after that he would start working to remove you from friends and family.

If the idea was more along the lines of let's not talk about being with others until we figure out if we work. i'd see this as a yellow flag. This could be either someone insecure or someone that has felt burned from too many times investing in submissives that have chosen Others.

lil_joy

(in reply to sokinky4You)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 8:39:11 AM   
ShadowKnight


Posts: 40
Joined: 12/7/2004
From: Missoula, Montana
Status: offline 		It is also dependent on what the context this was used in. Are you collared to this person? As they are not wanting to stop you from all outside contact then you might want to ask what the reasoning is for wanting you restricted from contact with other Dom/Masters. Sometimes they just don't want the hassle of dealing with trolls or of them telling you one thing and another Master telling you something else therefore creating confusion. On the otherhand If you are not collared to them then you can always walk as they seem to be insecure.

Just My two tarn bits,

ShadowKnight

_____________________________

What is weightier than gold yet depresses no scale?

The collar is put on from without, but what it encircles comes from within. Slavery, true slavery, comes from within.

(in reply to liljoy)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 9:04:48 AM   
subchris04


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2004
Status: offline 		In my case, I am not allowed to talk to all Doms, but if there is one of interest to me I have to let Mistress know. Its not because she doesn't trust me, she doesn't read my mail or anything its more to protect me. I am very influencial and I tend to believe what others tell me and it could harm me. I know Mistress wants me to meet others and to socialize which as always been a weak point of mine, She just wants to make sure I am ok with whom I am talking to. If I talk to other submissives thats fine but I do have to talk about what I learn with her. If I want to talk to another Dom, I have to ask her. I haven't had the answer no yet but I really don't talk with that many people.

slave chris

(in reply to ShadowKnight)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 9:25:34 AM   
sokinky4You


Posts: 6
Joined: 1/12/2005
Status: offline 		hello.... and thank You A/all very much for Your help, means everything to me. i appreciate and am honored for Your time and input to help me..had to come hear for real answers from all the online players ..think i'll just stick to educating myself first, then seek.
Respectfully
~kristin

(in reply to ShadowKnight)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 12:53:14 PM   
LdyAuburn


Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline 		what happens to the dominants you are already friendly with? I do agree with liljoy who talked about dominants once bitten (so to speak). Also the command to not talk to other dominants tends to be online based. Having said that though I know orders and such to not talk to anyone prior to receiving permission when out with their dominant.
You havnt said in what context you arent permitted to talk with other dominants. For example online, at functions, in mailing lists etc. Online is easy you dont answer the pm box or respond to emails. Functions could be difficult you may not know their role.
Good luck with the no talk rule

(in reply to sokinky4You)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 8:54:19 PM   
Draciron


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline
Considering the high percentage of subs who proudly display an all conntact with me must be approved by Master (insert name) I am surprised there is even a discussion. Though prevalence does not make for right.

The second aspect is the "without consent and knowledge" On most occasions once approved contact with Masters who are not on the take will be sanctioned. Filtering out twits is the primary purpose of such. If a respectfull message is sent about a platonic topic. That makes sense. To allow her to be bombarded by come ons and such is ludicrous. Disrespectfull of her. Uncaring towards her. Allowing other Doms to msg her uncontrolled is much the same to me as being in a nilla bar and allowing a drunk to walk up and hit on her.

Some key factors are the age of the relationship. When a sub first starts training there are quite a few potentially conflicting views as BDSM is as personal as the individuals involved. Each has thier own style, preferences and each D/s relationship is unique. Early on best to keep the confusion down. I encourage research but research in articles/references I can review and then give more details, context, in some case refuste parts or all. Some may be just a disagreement in prefences. Such as high heels vrs barefoot. Some may be completely erronous and even potentially dangerous. As the relationship matures then the sub will have a much better context to deal with such information and a good solid grounding.

Another factor being the experience of the sub. A sub thats been in the lifestyle for many years will not have that confusion aspect.

A big factor is respect. You wouldn't walk into a room at a local munch and just walk right up to a stranger's sub and start jabbering away.

To me, my sub is the most precious thing in the world. I am going to be protective of her. What kind of message would I send her if I said oh I don't care? That would be exactly the message I would be sending. I DO care.

By placing such in a profile, it is also meant to deflect the trolls, wannabes and other garbage that roam around.

Leave it to my girl to sum all this up so nicely. She told me.
" dont care whats the correct protocal Sir , my only interests are what works for me, and i rather like a lot the way You are and do things so i have no need anymore to look outside for answers "
One of the sagest things I've ever heard about BDSM. she made me a damn proud Master when she said that. That is how it is. There are few absolutes in BDSM. Me I find scat and animals as both disgusting and dead wrong. There are some that may disagree with my methods, but they work. Work for me and her. Others it might not.

I've been in the lifestyle for something like 15 years. I am still amazed how little respect some suposed "Doms/Masters" show the rest of the people in the lifestyle. You'd think I'd be numb to that by now.






(in reply to LdyAuburn)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 9:20:53 PM   
perverseangelic


Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline 		For me, the contact thing boils down to trust.

My partner trusts that I won't break the rules he's set for me. He trusts that my commitment to him is paramount. He trusts that I will never do anything he would disapprove of.

I plan on never doing anything to violate that trust.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to Draciron)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 9:41:29 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline
quote:

Allowing other Doms to msg her uncontrolled is much the same to me as being in a nilla bar and allowing a drunk to walk up and hit on her.


So There I am in this bar, and this monster is breathing all over my girl. (she is five foot nuttin, a hundred and two on a good day-You need to picture this)

I lean in and say:

'Hey- you know she's with me, Right?'

Gigantor blinks. "what you gonna do- beat me up?"

"no- She's going to kick your ass. I am just going to make sure no one stops her"

I always have her back- but if she needs protection- she shouldn't be out in the big scary world- with or without me...

< Message edited by topcat -- 1/22/2005 9:42:27 PM >

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Draciron)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 9:43:41 PM   
ShadeDiva


Posts: 1005
Joined: 3/31/2004
From: Sacramento, California
Status: offline 		Nicely said Lawrence!

I wish I could have seen his expression.

lol

~ShadeDiva

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~ShadeDiva
My projects of love:
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HumanFauna
Kinked
DommeWorld

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/22/2005 10:22:19 PM   
subchris04


Posts: 17
Joined: 12/12/2004
Status: offline 		Its not that I can't handle myself and that she doesn't trust me, its more that I am new and I don't always know what to believe. I have lived 28 years without her without having anyone protect me. I like that she wants to know who I am talking to. I like that she cares. Yes there is a protection issue, I am new and there is alot of information out there. If something comes up I don't understand I go to her. If I needed her to protect me that much I wouldn't be online at all. I am allowed to talk with Doms she just needs to know who I am talking with first. Usually by the time I talk to her about them, if they want more than just to screw around they won't be interested in talking. She has never told me that I can't talk to someone and she doesn't go behind me and read everything I write or is writen to me. But there have been a few people that once they find out that I have to talk to Mistress before I talk to them don't want anything to do with me. Which honestly I don't mind. Its not that I can't handle myself, I can do that just fine. But I do consider it protection also. Mostly because I am still learning.
slave chris

(in reply to ShadeDiva)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 1/24/2005 5:14:13 AM   
domtimothy46176


Posts: 670
Joined: 12/25/2004
From: Dayton, Ohio area
Status: offline 		I allow my girl to talk with whom she chooses. I know she has the neccessary information to know when she's being fed a line of BS. If she has questions she comes to me with them and we discuss them.
The girl I mentor, OTOH, is incredibly naive and under-informed. I have her notify the dominants who contact her that any correspondance of any kind is forwarded to me to review. This discourages the predators from attempting to fill her head full of crap and gives me the opportunity to rebut those viewpoints that I feel are not compatible with her development.
At some point I hope she will develop her own instincts and be able to find a good match. In the meantime I guard her much as one would an impressionable teenager just learning about romance. This is something I explained to her before I agreed to act as her mentor and she agreed with my reasoning.
The idea of not allowing contact with any dominants of either sex is alien to my way of thinking. I can't imagine a need for that type of restriction. I think, at the least, I would respectfully ask for a rationale for such a rule.
Be well,
Timothy

(in reply to subchris04)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 7/12/2005 2:09:17 PM   
Dracironsgirl


Posts: 175
Joined: 7/2/2005
Status: offline 		it is my honor reading Your posts Sir .....such insights not seen very often i feel. thank You for sharing Your wisdom with U/us, have a lot to say where others say a lot of nothing.
~kristin

(in reply to Draciron)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 7/12/2005 6:38:54 PM   
EmeraldSlave2


Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Generally, someone who isolates you is bad news.

However, someone wanting at least advisory control over people in your life is pretty common in the scene and not altogether negative (though I find it too much work to be worth it even for what benefits people have).

For a specific period of time or specific person, it can be best. The Owner has told me to no longer communicate with a few people.

In the end you have to evaluate the situation for yourself as best you can, what is the motivation of the person, how will this affect your life and how it functions, is it ultimately fulfilling.

(in reply to sokinky4You)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 7/12/2005 6:54:28 PM   
betticus


Posts: 12
Joined: 12/1/2004
Status: offline 		I suppose that it has to do with the personalities of the persons involved. Both the dom and the sub. If the sub is extremely open to influence then it may be in her best interest to screen the doms that she or he is interacting with. There are many who are pretty manipulative and do not have the best of intentions.

If that is not the case then it could be that the dom in a bit insecure or could just be very protective. If the dom forbids all contact then that should be something in that relationship that is agreed on.

From the protective side I only get upset if someone whos intent is obviously to take what is mine. At that point it is no longer a problem of the sub so much as it becomes my problem. I have no tolerance for others who will not exercise the minute amount of self control it takes to move along to someone who is single and looking.

To the subject at hand though, being with someone who has serious control issues may also be volatile and unpredictable. Just exercise a little caution and listen to that voice in your head if you begin to get warning signs.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)
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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 7/12/2005 6:54:33 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Sometimes it is just to try to limit your dealings with aholes....... I talk to Dommed women here from time to time as well as Doms, Dommes and lesbians. (Meaning that not everyone is gonna try and do you via internet, although sometimes that seems to be the plan.) However; I am very courtly when doing so until I see how the situation is. I do it simply because I find the profile amusing, or intriguing...... Of course sometimes I can be seen as brusque or rude, or in the case of ModOne who is a woman whom I first called he; and further compounded my social and political faux paux by saying pass on my regards to your Master (she is a Domme......) And I now send my regards to Her.......(she corrected my gaffes politely and privately) It doesn't always make for spirited and enlightening conversation.........

And of course there are just louts, as well as some jealosy and control issues occasionally..........

My two,
Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 7/12/2005 6:56:31 PM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: two answers, whats the real answer please - 7/12/2005 7:22:39 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		I was told not to speak to an ex. At first I was like what? why? your kidding etc. Then she explained her reasons. The ex with no fault of her own ( I lost my virginity to her) would always borrow money or need lifts etc and Id drop everthing I was doing. My ex did not want me to drop everything if she knew but I never told her. I just had weird feelings when it came to her.

Apart from her I could talk to anyone in the world. I even said to her that I did not want her talking to someone specific as it was in her best interests. She agreed after my reasoning.

Its a two way street I belive.

(in reply to sokinky4You)
Profile   Post #: 20
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