When a friend doesn't understand (Full Version)

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SlaveAkasha -> When a friend doesn't understand (10/9/2006 10:44:37 PM)

Something very intense happened to me tonight and I am not sure how to deal with it.
 
My very best friend in the world was talking to me tonight.  She knelt down on the floor in front of me.. gave me a hug, and said, "You don't deserve to be hit by anyone.", with her eyes in tears. 
 
I didn't know what to say at first, I was so stunned by the concern, and love in her voice.  I could feel the tears started to come up in my eyes, and didn't want her to see them.  I just answered back, "It's not like that."..but that is all I could get out. 
 
She said, "If you could just help me understand it.".  I have no idea how to do this.  I told her it was like me trying to explain why a person is gay to a straight one, and vice versa.  She then let it go and didn't say anything back.
 
She has done this before, but it had been a long time.  I guess just the emotion in her voice got to me, and now I am just not sure if there is anything else I can say to make her see that this is what I want, not something being DONE to me.
 
She isn't saying it with hostility, or judgment, just with concern and love.
 
It stems I think from me coming home from a play weekend with Master.  I have a pretty good bruise on my chest, which showed with the shirt I had on (wasn't thinking).  To her, it looks like I have been hurt, she doesn't know the rest, or the feelings that came with it.
 
I suppose I am not quite sure how to handle things now, or maybe how to help her understand it all.
 
Akasha



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/9/2006 10:48:13 PM)

I'd be worried too knowing all the relationships and life changes you'd put yourself through in just the past 12 months- what is one to think?

Your best bet is to give it time- if you can show that your life is now stable, secure and fulfilling for a year, that will be more proof than anything that this is a good thing in your life.  She will at least not be able to point to it as a cause of problems.

You can occasionally discuss it with her, comparing it to the release of an orgasm, or a spiritual connection- but really, she doesn't have to understand what you do, she just has to respect your choice for it and hopefully see the good from it.



SlaveAkasha -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/9/2006 11:06:00 PM)

In reality, I have had one true relationship in the past year coming from the bdsm world.  I have talked to a lot, but I have also learned a lot about who I am and know that I have grown.
 
She has seen the changes in me over the last few months, and I know in her heart she understands, or at least really wants to.
 
I have allowed myself take a breath, step back from it all, then opened my heart back up again.  I have gotten a year older, and hopefully four or five years wiser.
 
I think she will see over time, this is something that is a part of me.. a year or two down the road, and know that this was the right choice for me.
 
I will try to put the pleasure part in there for her again, not sure if it will help, but it's worth a shot.  She just doesn't want me hurt, and can't see that because I allow it, doesn't mean I think I am not worth a million dollars, or even priceless.  I know my own self-worth, and will never let anyone take it away.
 
Maybe that is the part I need to bring up to her.  She has mentioned the changes herself, so that might relate to her in a different way.
 
Akasha



DiurnalVampire -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/9/2006 11:15:35 PM)

From the point of view of the Dominant party having gone through something similiar.  Wat she doest understand is that you are not in danger. As any friend would be, she is probably concerned that you have fallen into a victim metality where you beieve mistakenly that you deserve abuse.  It is ot easy to explain to someone that you are not being abused, but that what occurs between your Master and yourself is completely consentual and safe.
Having come from a lot of very abusive relationshps, I face the same thing with Angel's friends.  I am not a sadist, so he does not get hurt, however his friends can se the emotional shift when he is around me.  They have approached ME and voiced their concerns.  It took a while, since they didnt know me from a hole in teh wall initially.  They do not know that he and I are Mistress and pet, but they do know his atachment to me. They worry that I will do to him what al his former girlfriends have undermine what little confidence he has and break him.  They are realizing slowly that that is not the case. 

You need to reassure your frend that you are not in danger.  I think that is going to be the major thing.  She may never understand the mentality of why you desire it, but as long as she knows your safe she might be better fit to accept it.

I do wish you luck in working through the issue.  Dont let t come between you, I have had that problem already and it hurts.

DV



Mavis -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 12:36:11 AM)

Maybe.. sharing a few of the classic books with her will help..   Since you're so familar with WIITWD, you may not realise the basics she's not getting.   consider these:

  • she might not get that we have safe words.. that you can stop anything
  • she might not get that you pre-negotiate what is done..
  • she might not get that it's like the difference between having sex and getting raped, see 2 below, it's the same act, but the intent and ability to stop it is what makes it different

"S&M 101" or "Screw the roses, send me the thorns" are both books that put consentuality and SSC in perspective. They helped a lot when hubby was concerned.

Also, a few physical demonstrations you *might* be able to relate..

1)  Scratch her back a wee little spot, like one fingernail scratches.  you know, how the itch moves, how you can create an itch by scratching someone, then stopping?   That can plant the seed of understanding..Let her understand the basic physiology of needing more after sensation starts.

2)  sex discussion, this might be TMI.  but most women will understand the stage during regular nilla sex when they want it harder.   If you can get her to admit to having felt that, then have her go back and try to imagine fucking at that intensity from the beginning, see how it would just be horrible, and almost like rape?  That's why our "hard" seems so hard,  Nillas imagine we're doing it without the arousal stages that create the craving for more intensity.  This might not apply to you, or to her, but you can probably find situations where she does up-ramp intensity of something that can be related to you just doing the same, only at a higher level.

3)  if she exercises or runs, she might also understand the "runners high" anology about endorphins if endorphin stuff applies to you.  Even if she doesn't, she'll have heard of the science involved there.

might also note.. how interesting when she wanted to get down to your very heart and talk DEEP..  she knelt before you.  Could she understand your wanting that type of relationship with your dom?  i'm sure she doesn't go round kneeling with friends.  But in a special circumstance, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to her. 

Good luck!



Celeste43 -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 5:47:10 AM)

There's a book called "When Someone you Love is Kinky". I think by Gloria Brame. It's supposed to be helpful in explaining s & m to those without the kink.



RedSavageSlave -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 5:49:05 AM)

Akasha, I have to say honestly that I agree with LA on this one. I am not exactly sure what you had talked about with your friend regarding your new master previous to you spending time with him, but no matter what, I DO know about this lifestyle..I too have been concerned. The fact that you played this heavily with someone that you just met for the first time (and from your account it was within a very short space of him even walking in the door) I think I might be highly concerned as well if I were a friend of yours real time and seeing a bruise that showed through my clothing.

I want you to know that I care very much about you and hope that this all works out to your eternal happiness... but being on the outside looking in to the spaces you care to show, I would have taken it to be not the smartest route to a serious relationship with someone.

<hugs>



MLskajira -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 6:39:14 AM)

for what it is worth, when someone asks if  this girl is in  an abusive relationship,she tells them that what she is doing is as far from abuse as being a prize fighter is from being mugged in a back alley. this girl and her Master know what W/we are doing and there is never abuse involved, although there are spankings and discipline, it is not abuse.
 this girl is very lucky because her entire family and all of her friends know who and what she is and are accepting of her role.
 maybe if you explain to your friend that everything  you and your Master/Dom/Top do, is consensual and that you desire what He does with you, she/he might be able to understand a little better.
just one slaves humble opinion.



subjected2006 -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 7:00:59 AM)

excellent post



toservez -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 7:35:47 AM)

A lot of good advice here. Like anything else good communication is important. Just stay honest and available to her and hopefully over time she can see that you are happy in your life and not on a downward spiral that I am guessing she is concerned about. Now some people cannot ever understand things of this nature and markings are so tough for regular people to see let alone understand what you see and feel.

Life is not perfect and it is unfortunate that many times honesty and freedom can be difficult to have with friends and family. Be patient and hope for the best. She sounds like a friend who truly cares about you and that is special.





SlaveAkasha -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 8:53:19 AM)

Wow, thank you, Mavis.  Some great ideas there, I will try to do that with her.  She is a runner, and I think I can use that to my advantage.  I am also sure she remembers a bit of wild sex we had, so I might be able to throw that part in also..lol
 
Yes, DVampire...I think that might be some of it.  She has seen me hurt before and probably doesn't want to see it again.  She has always had a lot of trouble accepting this part of me, but she has been very good about it.  I guess I just didn't realize it bothered her so much still, I need to be more sensitive to that.
 
I think I have heard of that book, Celeste43.. I will see about it.  Too bad you can't get that at the local library, that would be so much better.
 
MLskahira, I have tried that approach, but I guess if you don't like being hit, it's hard to understand why someone else does. 
 
Yes, I agree.. toservez.. a lot of great advice.  I will for sure try to take it to mind and work on a way to talk to her.. I know our friendship will make it, it has made it through so much more.
 
Appreciate the concern Jessie, but everything is fine, really.
 
******************************************************
 
Anything that was done this weekend, was known to me beforehand.  We talked about it, and even during the weekend itself, I asked that some things be changed and not done, and Master was totally understanding about it all.
 
He and I have discussed it at great length, (He is so wonderful about this) and how maybe some things could have been done different, or how we might have tried to do too much in a few days.  I think we were just so excited at being with each other, that it got a bit carried away. 
 
What we did take away from this weekend, is the potential for a great relationship, and some lessons learned.  We have the rest of our lives, we don't have to do everything in one day...lol.
 
My past, is just that, my past.  I have so very much moved on from it, I just guess I can't see why others haven't.  I have a good head on my shoulders about this, really.  I know that we have a lot to build on, and grow from.  I care about my Master very much, and we are both willing to put into this the work and dedication it requires. 
 
There is a chance things won't work out, but that chance exists in every relationship, I don't care if you have had one, or a million of them.  It's getting up, dusting yourself off and trying again.
 
That is what we are doing, and with the hope, that this time, it's going to be right for both of us.
 
Akasha
 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 9:03:28 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha
My past, is just that, my past.  I have so very much moved on from it, I just guess I can't see why others haven't.  I have a good head on my shoulders about this, really.  I know that we have a lot to build on, and grow from.  I care about my Master very much, and we are both willing to put into this the work and dedication it requires. 

You've made a lot of high drama serious life change choices in the past year, and had a lot of pain and regrets from that.  It seems pretty obvious to me why people would be concerned that you might just be repeating the mistakes from the past.  I'd say you should accept it and take it in the kind spirit it's given- people care about you.

In time you will show yourself and everyone else whether this is a good solid step towards stability or not.  Until then, don't get upset because your friends are sincerely concerned when you've given them plenty of reason to be.




KatyLied -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 10:04:31 AM)

Anyone who has been following this saga knows that you've changed your screen name a few times, relocated to a Dom you'd never met (after many here urged you to slow down and be cautious), and left after approximately one week.  Now after a weekend together you've accepted a collar? 

If you stand back and look at this, you may see why your friend is concerned.  For some of us this represents a lot of drama.




SlaveAkasha -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 10:33:04 AM)

First off, I am by no means upset with her.  If anyone took it that way, they didn't read it very well.  I love her very much and know she only cares about me.
 
Yes, I did change my name.  It was sleazybutterfly, then when I was with my ex, it was histicia, now.. since I have moved on in my life, I took my name Akasha.  That is not a name that HE gave me, it is a name that I took on my own.  I am not ashamed of any of the above.  I think it's just unfortunate that you all seem to bring everything from the past up any time I post about anything.  You all then wonder why people complain about the boards, and don't feel free to post their opinions or problems.  Personally, I have moved on.. if others can't, that is not my concern to deal with, nor stress out about.
 
This question, is relating to a friend of mine.  It has nothing to do with what has happened in the past.  She just doesn't want anyone hitting me, she has told me this before.  She actually likes my Master, so it's not him she has any issue with. 
 
What I accept or don't accept from someone (collar) is my business.  Yes, it's in this forum, and I realize that..but that has nothing at all to do with the question at hand.  I have not accepted a collar before, and would never have done it if I didn't feel it was the right time for it.  I can have a D/s relationship without it, and it's not something I take lightly.
 
I appreciate that people care about me, what I don't appreciate is people that won't ever let you live down your past and move on from it.  I have changed so much in the past months, and since I don't have a friendship with most of you, you do not see that part.  I can't make you, nor do I have the time to devote to that pursuit.
 
It will take time for this to grow and last, I know that, and don't laugh it off.  I will not however, let anyone put me down for anything I have done.  I don't deserve it and I don't have to keep defending myself over and over. 
 
My past year was rocky, no doubt..but now that 30 is no longer with me, I am not going to look back.  I took the lumps and the losses from it.  I hurt and paid more than any of you will ever know.  He was an ass, and a user.  I know that, and have not denied it. 
 
I am now who I am, a strong woman, who was doing very fine on my own, but someone special came into my life.  There is no reason I should have to pass him up, just because others have issues with anything I have done.  He knows me, and has followed me for months.  He has enriched my life, and helped me to know what it's all about in so many ways.  I would like to think I have done the same thing for him, and hope to continue on that path. 
 
If all of this happened with me and I have moved on.. my only question is.. why the hell can't all of you???
 
Akasha

edited to say..:
 
PS.. If there is drama on this thread, please note it was not created by me.  I have only answered back to what others have said, and was not the one to bring any of it up. 



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 10:42:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha
If all of this happened with me and I have moved on.. my only question is.. why the hell can't all of you???

Akasha

This is how confident you were when you made the decision to move on with the master and that ended disastrously.

As the Ghost of Christmas Past once said "These are but shadows of your past.  That they are what they are, do not blame me."

Don't get upset with us for pointing out that you've been overly confident before when others tried to warn you and ended up being very regretful.  I understand facing wrongs and moving on from them is a very slow and difficult process, but you asked for help with your friend here.  I think your friend is being very sensible and concerned and that the only way to really make a strong statement is to prove in the months and years ahead that this is a stable and secure choice for your life.



SlaveAkasha -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 11:16:39 AM)

I don't think anything I have said shows I am overly confident.  It will take tons of hard work, I have stated that time and time again.  Any relationship is not easy, this one being what it is, is no exception.
 
I do not have rose colored glasses on, real life is just that, very real. 
 
I am just trying to make my life better, and to grow.  There is nothing more, nor anything less to it.  I was happy before my Master, if it doesn't work out, I will be happy after.  Everything is a risk in life, this is one that I am willing to take. 
 
I think that circumstances are also very different.  This one lives in the same state, not far away at all.  He will come and visit me, and we spend tons of time together on the phone every day.  I am not giving up anything to be with him, I have only a wonderful person to gain from it all.
 
We understand the dynamic of the way things work, and we are both not only intelligent, but have the ability to compromise.  He knows that I have a lot to learn, and that he does also.  We can grow together, and hopefully it will last years and years.  If it doesn't, perhaps we were what each other needed at the time.  That still means a lot in this crappy world sometimes.
 
She is concerned, and I love her for it.  I appreciate others are also, even if they don't think that is the case.  I guess, I just know what has happened in my life over the last few months, but I have not been open about it here, so there is no way anyone else does.  I have learned over the year, to not allow myself to be open on here, and to not share..because in the end, it's not worth all that comes with it.
 
It was a lot to share this with anyone, the situation last night..but I really want some way to help her, and make her know that a bruise is okay, and discipline is for my own good.  Maybe I can't do that, but I will do anything that is within my power to help.
 
There has been some good advice on this thread, and I am deciding now how I am going to use it, so in the end.. it is helping me with what I needed.
 
Akasha



BitaTruble -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 11:27:25 AM)

I had a conversation with my daughter several years ago. She had many of the concerns that your friend has and I never had a real answer that I could give to her. Despite that, she loved me, continued to worry and always told me to just be careful.
 
Then, not so long ago, I wrote what I've pasted below and I sent it to her .. and now she understands a bit better where I'm coming from. Maybe you can speak on a similar vein to your friend and while I've found that it's very hard for those outside of BDSM to 'get' why we do what we do, often times they will come to accept it as 'our' choice in how to live and that by living in that manner, it is the best way for us to thrive.
 
Celeste
 
::repost::
 
Pain

 

Outside pain doesn't hurt so much nor last so long as inside pain. It's temporary, superficial, heals quickly and makes you live when the inside feels as if it's died. It brings the tears and if you are fortunate those can help wash away the dirt and the invisible scars left behind by the remembered and forgotten past. Sometimes you scrub and scrub until you are raw and bleeding and just can't seem to get clean then someone who loves you picks up a whip ... and they start to kiss you with it .. and the more they kiss you and the more welts and bruises which rise on the skin.. the less the ones on the inside can effect you, and they are hidden away until the next time you feel overwhelmed by them.

With enough bathing in pain, you can discover that you have finally healed inside. There are no more scars. No more threats to your peace. No more destructive, chaotic thoughts and you have become the person you were meant to be .. living to your potential .. not making excuses for the past or needing them for the future. Neither forgiving nor blaming what brought you to that place where it became a need.. but appreciating it when it became a desire .. one which you could, without regret, give away knowing that no harm would come to you for it. When you have shed enough tears to fill the oceans and to salt the Earth .. when you believe there are none left to give .. that you have dried up .. the pain can make you believe again .. if in nothing else, your own humanity.

I would wish for it to always be a desire .. and never a need .. had I a wish.



Mavis -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 11:35:37 AM)

Well, my advice was just to maybe explain to her the physical stuff of what some of us do, and that is a concern for any of our nilla friends.  as for your relationship issues, surely she has more insight on that than me, i'm just a blip here.   i do hope you're moving on carefully, of course.   but the physical stuff you do will go with you to the next partner if this doesn't work, so friend would still have the same questions.  Maybe if you can get her to wrap her mind around just that part,  she can set that to rest and move on to other friend concerns if needed. 



missturbation -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 12:08:40 PM)

All i can suggest is listening to her concerns and addressing them. Hearing her questions and answering them as best you can. Maybe she'll understand in time maybe she won't. In the long run she will have to accept it is your life to live as you see fit and hopefully she will see how happy your Master makes you and it will comfort her doubts.
I've been where you are although unfortunately the friends doubting my lifestyle choices were in this lifestyle. I lost some friends because i chose to continue on my path with my Sir so i can understand a little how ur feeling.
Good luck xx



SlaveAkasha -> RE: When a friend doesn't understand (10/10/2006 12:43:16 PM)

Wow, Celeste, that was really wonderful.  I might have needed to read that myself.  I will have her read it, just the way you wrote it, I would be afraid I would mess it up if I tried to change it in any way.
 
Miss, I totally understand.  I guess we all have been learning who our friends are, and aren't.  Probably if we think about it though, we aren't all that surprised.  I am glad things are going well for you, I am learning also..it doesn't matter if anyone else is happy with your choice or not, as long as you are.. that's all that matters in the end.
 
Akasha
 



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