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how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 8:15:17 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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One of the ladies in my bowling league just oozes femdom characteristics to me by the way she dresses and acts. I am anxious to find out if i am right but i don't know how to approach her to ask. If she is in the lifestyle i would love to discuss it with her, but if she isn't i don't want to look like a fool. Any ideas?

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

Post #: 1

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 9:02:16 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
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When I get around new folks I usually toss out some off color joke to see if they laugh or are shocked, and from their reaction I'll know whether I can let my guard down or if I should try to behave.

In a case like this I might make a joke about another of the bowling buddies or a politician or somebody who says something boneheaded and say that person should be gagged but they might like it. So a crack like that could send the conversation off in the right direction.

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"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

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Post #: 2

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 9:50:10 AM

DameDarkness

Posts: 341
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline

good idea happy pervert or you can always ask a question. Like ask your bowling friend if they have ever heard of the BDSM community etc. It always works because that way with the response you get you can tell if they are into it or not.

Dame Darkness

_____________________________

Into the night sky I fly through distant lands and darkened streets... Up into the clouds to play and dance with the moon.....To the hearts of all and I say to you be true to they own heart.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 3

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 11:01:21 AM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Midear Proud-

Here's an easy one:

Next time, as you are leaving, look at your watch and say "Oh damn- late again- another spanking- not that that's a bad thing!" or some little referance to getting a spanking when you get home.

If she seems to pick up on it, but might be joking, just say- "No really- and gives a great spanking!"

At worst, she might think it a bit odd, but on the level of 'she's odd becuase she stirs her coffee with her left hand' , not she's a dangerous freak odd.

Let us know how it works out.

Stay warm,

Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 4

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 11:05:29 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

One of the ladies in my bowling league just oozes femdom characteristics to me by the way she dresses and acts. I am anxious to find out if i am right but i don't know how to approach her to ask. If she is in the lifestyle i would love to discuss it with her, but if she isn't i don't want to look like a fool. Any ideas?

Hi Proud and all,

I was going to pass on this thread but it started to get me thinking if I actually exude "Fem Domme" qualities in my vanilla life. In Vanilla, I dress fairly conservatively, so I don't think anyone would ever look at me and say "Ya know, I bet that broad owns a singletail whip..." Personality wise, I think that I'm a product of post 60's feminism, like a lot of other women in my age group, in that I'm not confined by any social dictums that say I have to 'take my lumps' so to speak. I was socialized to stand up for myself, ask questions, and when I think there's a problem or somethings wrong, I'm not afriad to say something. So are these characteristics Fem Domme or are they simply a product of socialization?

However, people who have no clue about my 'lifestyle' (i.e. 97% of the people in my life) would say I'm tough. They'd say I'm no nonsense, and passionate about the things that are important to me. People know, pretty much, not to mess with me, because I'm not likely to take that sort of behavior from anyone.

I guess, I'd caution you to tread lightly around this investigation. What if, this woman isn't a Fem Domme? What if she's just a very secure woman who dresses in a way that makes her happy?

I guess what I've always tried to remember is, if I'm curious about someone, and if I start asking questions or poking around trying to find out if they are 'kinky' I'm likely to out myself in the process. And my privacy is far too precious to me to risk it and end up wrong.

Good luck,
Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 5

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 11:57:35 AM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
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Thank you all for the suggestions.

quote:

I guess, I'd caution you to tread lightly around this investigation. What if, this woman isn't a Fem Domme? What if she's just a very secure woman who dresses in a way that makes her happy?

I guess what I've always tried to remember is, if I'm curious about someone, and if I start asking questions or poking around trying to find out if they are 'kinky' I'm likely to out myself in the process. And my privacy is far too precious to me to risk it and end up wrong.

That's one of my concerns. I don't want rumors spread within the league, even if true ones, because many of the women there know Hubby and He has made it very clear He doesn't want to be "outed".

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 6

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 4:42:12 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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What about having some sort of book with you? The loving Dominant or something. Have it in a bag and ooops it fell to the floor in front of her. What will she say?

If nothing else you can always make some excuse and say you picked it up for a sick friend. Taking it back to the library for someone? Whatever.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 7

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/23/2005 6:00:14 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

What about having some sort of book with you? The loving Dominant or something. Have it in a bag and ooops it fell to the floor in front of her. What will she say?

Hmmm not a bad idea. About all i have is the video you gave me, but that might work.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 8

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 12:17:57 AM

dixiedumpling

Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline

proud,
I've wondered about doing this myself. My bowling partner and I joke around a good bit. The subject of spanking has come up in a silly way. I was telling her about something boneheaded my spouse had done and commented that it made me want to take off my belt and whip his ass. She said she told her husband that all the time and he always responded with "please". Sounds like BDSM, right? Also, lots of people joke about it. My straight arrow sister in law even jokes about it. I told both the bowling partner and the sister in law about a funny someone had sent me in email where Santa is whipping one of the reindeer to make him take flight. The reindeer stands up and says, "Whip me again. OH, that feels good. Hit me again, you fat bastard!" Both laughed at it. What do you think? BDSM minded? Or just possess a crooked sense of humor?

_____________________________

Toodles,
dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 9

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 12:42:09 AM

LdyAuburn

Posts: 179
Joined: 5/9/2004
Status: offline

I think a lot just use it as humour, not neccessarily an interest

(in reply to dixiedumpling)

Post #: 10

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 5:01:53 AM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

What about having some sort of book with you? The loving Dominant or something. Have it in a bag and ooops it fell to the floor in front of her. What will she say?

If nothing else you can always make some excuse and say you picked it up for a sick friend. Taking it back to the library for someone? Whatever.

Sounds good on paper, but if Proud's got an issue with her Dom about being outted, why would she want to draw attention to herself? Even if people are vanilla, that title alone is likely to raise some eyebrows.

I guess, what I'm wondering is, why do you have this need to want to discuss what you are doing with others who may not be 'kink friendly'? I'd suggest you discuss this with your Dom, because it seems very risky given the fact that he's already made it clear he's not interested in being outted.

Lily

_____________________________

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"
~Dr. Seuss~

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 11

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 11:05:45 AM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

Sounds good on paper, but if Proud's got an issue with her Dom about being outted, why would she want to draw attention to herself? Even if people are vanilla, that title alone is likely to raise some eyebrows.

I guess, what I'm wondering is, why do you have this need to want to discuss what you are doing with others who may not be 'kink friendly'? I'd suggest you discuss this with your Dom, because it seems very risky given the fact that he's already made it clear he's not interested in being outted.

I'm not Proud so I cannot answer for her. Although I can speak for myself. To me the answer is common sense. She wants friends within the scene that she can sit down and have a chat with. Not those whom she has to look at via the computer.
It isn't as easy for all to just get up and go to a munch. For me, no issue at all. Everyone knows who I am and what I'm into. One of my Doms first munches he came to of mine, he saw a friend from work. Now, he doesn't work in a grocery store, he works with politicians at times. Could be very damaging.
Perhaps Proud can't go to a munch?

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 12

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 12:02:05 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

I generally do something like what Topcat said. Joke around about stuff, make approving comments when someone mentions 'spanking' et al.

I find you can generally feel someone out by mentioning things that are close to, or related to, but not explicite enough to arouse suspicion.

I just found out that some of my new friends are my kind of kinky in this way. :) I actually might have found friends to play with as well as talk with. It's really nifty.

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

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Post #: 13

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 1:10:09 PM

MrThorns

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Joined: 6/4/2004
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How about asking her if she has read a particular book? Wether it's a piece of fiction, "The story of O", "Justine", "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty" or non fiction, "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns", "Extreme Space", or "Different Loving", it may at least get the conversation going.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 14

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 1:49:16 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Sounds good on paper, but if Proud's got an issue with her Dom about being outted, why would she want to draw attention to herself? Even if people are vanilla, that title alone is likely to raise some eyebrows.

I guess, what I'm wondering is, why do you have this need to want to discuss what you are doing with others who may not be 'kink friendly'? I'd suggest you discuss this with your Dom, because it seems very risky given the fact that he's already made it clear he's not interested in being outted.

It's not really a "need", more curiosity. Currently i am not real close to this woman, but i do like her and sharing this lifestyle could give us something in common to build a friendship on. What you said about Hubby makes me think i should just forget it, but if i do forget it i will always be curious about her.

quote:

She said she told her husband that all the time and he always responded with "please". Sounds like BDSM, right? Also, lots of people joke about it.

I think joking is a good way to bring up something like this. And yes i think it sounds like BDSM, or at least a kink.

quote:

I'm not Proud so I cannot answer for her. Although I can speak for myself. To me the answer is common sense. She wants friends within the scene that she can sit down and have a chat with. Not those whom she has to look at via the computer.
It isn't as easy for all to just get up and go to a munch. For me, no issue at all. Everyone knows who I am and what I'm into. One of my Doms first munches he came to of mine, he saw a friend from work. Now, he doesn't work in a grocery store, he works with politicians at times. Could be very damaging.
Perhaps Proud can't go to a munch?

You are right Gloria, we will never go to a munch, and it would be nice to have a few r/l friends to be able to talk to. I have two that are not into BDSM but do understand it, and occassionally i talk to them.

Thank you all for the ideas. I'll let you know if i get the nerve up to say something to her.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to ProtagonistLily)

Post #: 15

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 2:03:23 PM

harmony3709

Posts: 292
Joined: 11/15/2004
Status: offline

I once saw someone at the office where I used to work wearing a bracelet that had what I immediately recognized as the SSC emblem, and when I admired it -- without making any reference to its possible meaning -- she was glad to show it to me and I noticed that in very elaborate script were the initials SSC around the design, which to some might have been lost in the design. I chose not to say that I recognized the emblem and the initials and basically out myself to her, but that would have been a good opportunity to do so if I wanted to.

Perhaps if you had something on paper or something with the emblem or initials? Might be a bit more subtle and also give her the choice of whether she chooses to acknowledge herself as lifestyle.

harmony

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 16

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 2:10:14 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

Perhaps if you had something on paper or something with the emblem or initials? Might be a bit more subtle and also give her the choice of whether she chooses to acknowledge herself as lifestyle.

Good idea but i don't have anything like that. She has a tatoo on her hip i noticed when she leaned over one day, maybe i can ask her about it.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to harmony3709)

Post #: 17

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 6:35:55 PM

Paulnz

Posts: 411
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quote:

ORIGINAL: proudsub
I am anxious to find out if i am right but i don't know how to approach her to ask.

The way I read this is you don't know the person well enough yet. Rather than use the joke approach, which may or may not work, and which requires a lot of skill in any case ( which you may not have ), I suggest you get to know her much better. This is done by carrying on conversation, and then by asking her to see you apart from just at bowling. Once you know her, you can begin bringing up BDSM related topics.

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 18

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 8:43:27 PM

proudsub

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I suggest you get to know her much better. This is done by carrying on conversation, and then by asking her to see you apart from just at bowling. Once you know her, you can begin bringing up BDSM related topics.

She is in a group that often goes to lunch after bowling and i have been invited but never gone, maybe i will go next time.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Paulnz)

Post #: 19

RE: how to approach r/l friends - 1/24/2005 10:57:45 PM

ladyjessica

Posts: 2
Joined: 12/28/2004
Status: offline

How about,

Would you like to play sometime?.

and then if she is surprised, tell the name of a real game

(in reply to proudsub)

Post #: 20

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