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When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 8:12:02 AM

darkinshadows

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From: UK
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After reading through the posts, one struck me 'When to call it quits'. Made me think of this question.

After all, we do know how good BDSMers are at offering advice...

When do you know it's worth pursuing? At what point did you suddenly think, hey this is more than just another relationship? What if you feel like that after the first few 'dates'? Or even, the first meeting?

It is so often advised that people should not rush into a relationship - and many people do judge others for doing so - but what if it isn't any kind of frenzy? What if - yes, sure, its the best fuck in a relationship you have ever had, and the play is fantastic, but what you are really looking forward to is waking up in the morning and looking over and seeing them? Of going to the cinema together and eating a meal together?

What if it is assumed that the person involved usually has 'their head screwed on' but on this issue, you think - hang on - this isn't considered 'normal'?

In this hi-tech age where there is alot of relocating going on and LDRs exist - sometimes decisions are made to move and change lives. What if your given the chance, after only a couple of short months to do so - did you? Would you? Could you?

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

Post #: 1

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 8:19:24 AM

susie

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My relationship started after meeting Master through bondage.com. Looking back now I did all the things that we tell people not to do on first meetings etc but I guess I had a good feeling about him from all the chats that we had. I was totally new to the whole thing and he was far more experienced. We lived a good 2 hours drive apart so that was an issue from the start.

He pushed me pretty hard during our chats and we arranged to meet and play (yep to all the safety police out there I was an idiot and agreed to play with someone on the first meeting). The agreement was that he would do needle play with me. He tied me down and did what was agreed. I guess he could tell that I was enjoying it so he pushed a little further. It was at that moment when I saw the look in his eye that I knew I wanted so much more from him. We carried on meeting over the next 6 months with longer and longer times together until I moved to be near him. After another 6 months we bought a house together and now live happily ever after.

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 2

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 8:33:24 AM

LaTigresse

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dark, that is a great question. I think it is one that many people wrestle with more and more because of this whole internet thing. I am not sure I have a really good answer though.

For me, I seem to get a feeling an awareness of the person thru their words. There are things that pop up that either create more interest or less and it is not even something I look for deliberately. I am just aware that I do. When the person is consistant and becomes multi-dimensional. I begin to get a feeling for the body behind the pixels. With some it happens very quickly and others take awhile. It seems to take less time to weed out the obvious "oh thank you god that this person is not my neighbour!" than some others but I think in time it becomes very obvious that it is either a person you would like to spend time getting to know or not.

There are many on here I would really love to spend time with.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 3

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 8:35:58 AM

toservez

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From: All over now in Minnesota
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This is a difficult question. I guess for me the word natural comes into play. That feeling that you are no longer thinking before reacting but just doing. When the simple small things like talking on the phone to the the sexual and BDSM stuff no longer are thought about what are we going to talk about or is this the time to do this but that it just naturally happens is when I know the leap has happen and to embrace it.

In my life this has happen quickly that from time contraints could have been frenzy and it has also taken a while but that feeling is still there. All of my mistakes have been made when I try to think myself into a situation. Human beings are not linear beings or it would just be so much more easier.

(in reply to susie)

Post #: 4

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:18:28 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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quote:

When do you know it's worth pursuing? At what point did you suddenly think, hey this is more than just another relationship? What if you feel like that after the first few 'dates'? Or even, the first meeting?

For me in my present circumstances I actually knew that this was something I wanted to pursue when I sat across from him for the first time and looked into his eyes. I felt it was more than just another relationship the first day we spent together. I did not know, but I felt it. Since then we have had some incredible times together. There have been moments when we are just doing "stuff" that once in a while I would think "wow, I am so myself with this person and so at peace".

quote:

It is so often advised that people should not rush into a relationship - and many people do judge others for doing so - but what if it isn't any kind of frenzy? What if - yes, sure, its the best fuck in a relationship you have ever had, and the play is fantastic, but what you are really looking forward to is waking up in the morning and looking over and seeing them? Of going to the cinema together and eating a meal together?

That about describes it, I want to sleep with him, do things for him, and be there... The play is fantastic and we definitely have a great sexual chemistry, but I like being around him. If we moved in together tomorrow I think it would work out.We can't because of certain obligations we are taking care of, but it would not be a frenzied thing.

quote:

In this hi-tech age where there is alot of relocating going on and LDRs exist - sometimes decisions are made to move and change lives. What if your given the chance, after only a couple of short months to do so - did you? Would you? Could you?

I can't just pick up and relocate at the drop of the hat because of familial obligations and he can't have me do that because of his obligations. We are working on that. If it were not for my unmentionable, and he had things where he wanted them I do not think it would be rushing things.

I think age plays a part in this discussion. Younger people are often more impetuous than older people (now there are exceptions always... some young people are old souls, and some older people never grow up). But I think that younger people are still finding their way, still learning about what they want in life, and they have a lot more time than older people. As we get older we are probably going to be acting on different impulses. You mentioned the "best fuck" you ever had... well, how does an older person quantify this? I have had experiences with men that did not ring my bell.. but how to I compare those men that did? I do not look at it as the "best fuck"... and I think that is a reflection of my age. I feel frenzied about very little, and I believe that is also a function of my age. I also do not want to waste time on someone that I know is the wrong one waiting for him to morph into the right one because I am looking for my lifemate. I do not want to wait years before I make up my mind about it... I think many people feel this way as they get older (not all do by far, but I certainly do)..

Just some thoughts

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 10/12/2006 9:19:39 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 5

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:21:41 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Younger people also don't have the roots yet- we don't have job experience, house payments, kids, or other commitments we've made that tend to come with age and prevent "Big Life Changes" as easily as one does when one is younger.

Personally, I think for 98% of the people who post here- there's never a reason to take that chance or make a Big Change in a short time frame. If something is worthwhile, there's no reason to rush it and every reason to take it slow and make sure.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 6

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:24:11 AM

KatyLied

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From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

What if your given the chance, after only a couple of short months to do so - did you? Would you? Could you?

I would not consider it after just a few months. That is not enough time for me to get to know a person. If someone insisted upon relocation after a short amount of time I would question his motives and how he has started other relationships or if he's possibly desperate for company (any company will do). I have a full-time job with benefits and a home and more lose ends than I could tie up in a few months. I also have an unmentionable under the age of 21 and my first duty is to make sure he launches his future (he's still in high school).

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
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(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:24:51 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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But what is taking it slow mean? And I have one root, he is transplantable...smiles.

I know that when I heard a study that stated the longer the courtship the less likely the relationship would work I was surprised by this. I think intensity and desire to bring a relationship to fruition speaks volumes about whether it will work or not...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:28:47 AM

michaelGA2

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i wouldn't call 10 years of searching "rushing" things...and as for first meetings...i have yet to have one. seems that there's always something that comes up and i'm left standing, wondering what i did or said that was wrong. oh, well...maybe someday, huh?

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Are we having fun, yet?

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Post #: 9

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 9:36:46 AM

MasterC46910

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Joined: 4/17/2006
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Being a rather adventurous type, I have no trouble taking a chance on meeting someone with very little previous contact. A few emails, some time on the phone, then I am ready to meet someone. Seeing as I would like to meet someone near as adventurous as myself, or at least willing to learn to be, I find myself more attracted to someone willing to be more open about taking chances in life.

I make decisions rather quickly. If I felt it had a good chance of working out and I had no good reason to stay where I was, I would relocate without worry. Why over think things to the point where you are paralyzed to do anything at all? This nature does make me a little impatient with people that are not as adventurous or free living as myself. I do lost interest with people that seem to be hesitating to long and keep wanting assurances that the relationship will work out. I am not going to lie to someone and make promises I may not be able to keep or have no control over.

That being said, I now find myself in a situation where I can not relocate due to family matters. So for me to relocate would be more thought out then I would normally have in the past when I had less responsibilities.

I guess what I am trying to say with all the explanations it that it would depend you your responsibilities and your feeling about the person you are planning on relocating too. At least for me.

Now

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 10

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:01:04 AM

toservez

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From: All over now in Minnesota
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I have found that people who rush to relocate whether in this life or in the "normal" world are for the most part are not rushing to something, but more running away from something or wanting change for change sake. Would I move after only a couple of months and this clearly assumes only seeing the person at best most weekends, no that is too soon. I do not believe in set time periods being better or smarter as that is just not how humans work but I do believe in all relationships there has to be enough time spent together and for the initial over romanticsized love/lust to wear off and to see where the relationship still stands.

When people talk about relocating, for any reason, my first question to them is not about time or how wise, but are they truly capable of it and truly know the effects on a person. I have been moving around most of my life and it is not for most. Is the person capable of not being close to their family and friends. Can the person make friends easily or all of their friends still from high school. Is the person capable of adapting to a different culture or are stuck very much in their ways and beliefs.

We humans are complex animals!

(in reply to MasterC46910)

Post #: 11

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:13:48 AM

gypsygrl

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Yeah, I've moved around alot, and take the idea very seriously. I know from experience (and the data backs this up) a major move is one of life's major stressors. And, with each move, I take the next one even more seriously because, as I get older, its getting harder.

I also agree that having children and other responsibilities makes it even more difficult. I may be able to handle leaving behind friends and connections and starting new, but its a much harder decision when I think of my kids.

So, I'm with LuckyAlbatross: if it feels right, there's no reason to rush things. If its meant to be, it will be.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 12

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:17:37 AM

michaelGA2

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i ain't moving in the near future and won't without a long term getting to know someone first

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RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:18:28 AM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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But, interesting question remains.. how long is too long? How long does one wait? I am slightly sensitive about this (not in an angry or bitter way) because I waited for 2 years for a time waster that strung me along because on one hand he wanted me, but on the other hand he was not willing to do the necessary things to make a life with me... I swore I would not go through this again. Sure, planning is essential, but there has to be something there worth taking a risk for or why bother?

Now I would never move in with someone the same weekend I met them, but I have heard more than one story of happily ever after that people married the first month they knew each other, and stayed married. Now this is not what I would do, but I have also heard of people that lived together for 10 years and married, divorced less than a year later. There are no guarantees, and you never know someone until you live with them, and even then marriage changes everything. You can live with someone, marry them, and then that marriage license changes the whole thing.

As far as my relocating, I am going to move to go to graduate school anyways, so I looked in the area I was planning on relocating to for dominant men, and I found one... I was running away from my current location regardless of whether or not I found someone... and there is nothing wrong with wanting a change, and most people do not have the right kinky person for them living down the street

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 14

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:31:56 AM

gypsygrl

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From: new york state
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I cant help but laugh, juliaoceania, because I'm sensitive in the same way, only from the other direction. I'm where I am just because of grad school, know I have to leave in the next year or so because I have no good reason for being here and if I want to get a job in my field, will have to do a national job search, anyway. So, I'm kind of focused on, oh my god who up and moves in a weekend???? Don't they know how hard it is???? And, yes, I've waited around for a guy who just wasn't ready. I had other things I needed to be doing while I was waiting, so it wasn't all bad, but, it gave me experience in the "i want you so bad, but ..."

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:46:40 AM

Dnomyar

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Michael after 10 years of nothing it is time for you to relocate. There are peole who are self reliant and moving around agrees with them. The question I ask when asked If I would relocate is what is the job situation in that area. I have had offers where I would not have to work but thats not me. Write a list of the pros and cons of relocating for someone. If there are a lot of cons forget it.

(in reply to juliaoceania)

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RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:48:35 AM

michaelGA2

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i'm in the process of getting a new job here, and i have a vanilla life here as well....it's just not doable right now.

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RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 10:57:33 AM

darkinshadows

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Hi Em -

Whilst I do agree in the whole no need to rush ethos, what is considered 'a short timeframe'? That is what I am trying to figure here.

People continuously warn against 'moving to soon'. I know you are a great supporter of patience yourself. But in this reality - which utilses the internet more and more - life does move alot fast. You can be writing to someone you met on a site like this, for say - 2 months or so (and that in itself is a long period, but I am using as an example) - then they meet up for the first time. And then again, after say another couple of months... (assuming the distance prevents them from meeting more regularly ie - out of state/ county/country/province relationships), they meet again and then a bit later - again. Meanwhile they are still writing and communicating - telephoning each other. And Life is much more hectic as well. So now your 6 months down the line and missing each other incredibly... and the ability to move in together is a desire - and there is nothing holding you back - why not?

I am with julia here - how soon is too soon? Yes of course there is no need to rush - but what if you just know? Your then advising people to 'take their time' - when it is just something that they both want and will be ok.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 11:07:12 AM

darkinshadows

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From: UK
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quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

But what is taking it slow mean?

I know that when I heard a study that stated the longer the courtship the less likely the relationship would work I was surprised by this. I think intensity and desire to bring a relationship to fruition speaks volumes about whether it will work or not...

You know julia - I keep thinking the same thing over and over. What is 'taking it slow'? People say that all the time, and you get to the point, where people are now made to feel guilty because after a year of being with someone and reaching a point where you want to get married, or move in together, they are told they are moving too fast????

I know that people do not have to listen to others, but they will be judged by them. I was watching a programme this morning (not related really) where the womans father didn't like her boyfriend and was very vocal about it, even down to not allow him in the house or visiting her when she moved in and married the man in less than a year - her father never accepted her husband even up to his death and the woman was married 25 years. Less than a year and then together 25 - and still going good. Like you say - it has been researched that relationships that have long courtships are less likely to remain permenant. I wonder why that is?

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 19

RE: When to take that chance? - 10/12/2006 11:27:17 AM

Kirei

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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I would say rushing in too soon would be if the proper questions have not already been asked. Ya you might have had a great weekend or week...but that was just one week. What about when its everyday? Most people both dom and sub never ask the right questions when they are seeking a 24/7 live-in situation.
Any relationship is based upon needs, wants, and desires. Problem is most only look for themselves, and rarely consider the partner.

For its simple. When I have Harmony, Assurance, Balance, and Heart four of the five rings of my life. When I can give these to my potential partner and they can give them back then the time is right for us to be and live together. Until then some need, want, or desire is holding the situation back.
Look at how many profiles on here say that your here to make my life easier. How does adding another into your life equation make things simpler and easier....in all truth it doesn't. Yet people will believe a myth and follow it, and thats why the relationships fail. I find in my time in the lifestyle that few relationships last over 2yrs, unless some other factor like marriage or a kids steps in to keep them there.

Koneko

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 20

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