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RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:16:08 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha

This is exactly how I felt in the beginning. I knew it was what I wanted, but I was a bit scared to put myself into someones hands in such a way. All I can say is that when it's time, you will know it and trust that person you are with. If you don't, there is a reason and you should listen to it. Maybe it has nothing to do with you being scared of the sexual part, there might be something you aren't picking up on about the doms you are meeting with that is telling you not to allow yourself to be that vunerable with them.

Maybe you like kinky sex, but this isn't the type of thing for you. I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear, but it can be totally true. I had a vanilla lover that had a lot of kink to him. We had a blast, and in some ways I was just fine with that aspect of it. I knew later that I needed more, but perhaps vanilla with a splash of kink is exactly what you need to keep you satisfied.

Don't feel like you have to be "full-on sub/slave" in order to explore these parts of yourself. Maybe you should look for more of a top type of person, or even a switch, rather than a Dom.

Masters Akasha

You bring up a very good point....I have thought about it a lot in the last few months....and I am still analyzing...who I am inside....
By the way....the advice I least want to hear ...is usually the advice I learn the most from....so please anytime you respond to my post...be honest...I appreciate it immensly....

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

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Post #: 21

RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:19:11 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross
...the answer to any question that begins "Does anyone else...?" is always Yes.

Perzakly. (You ain't different {from anyone}...really).

< Message edited by LTRsubNW -- 10/14/2006 8:20:10 PM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

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Post #: 22

RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:20:11 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

[[/quote]
You'll know its right when you no longer feel like your sacrificing your safety. With the right one, you will feel safe even when you are vulnerable.

my 2 cents
DV
[/quote]

That is exactly what I seek....

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

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Post #: 23

RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:29:06 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

My last boy had this about our first meeting. I've learned to contact a sub at least an hour before they are supposed to meet me to help calm the jitters. Who would think that coffee in public with others around could be so scary. Vente Mocha Latte OMG ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! Whip me, beat me but not coffee

Just talking to him and reassuring that the other people in the restaurant really can't see what's going on in his head. That all we're doing is having dinner/coffee/ whatever. It's about baby steps and patience. Those that rush in and want it all up front are likely the ones to be wary of. If you don't know how to swim you don't go to the top of the high dive and jump off...same thing here.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

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Post #: 24

RE: Chickening Out - 10/14/2006 8:41:53 PM

lilmado

Posts: 29
Joined: 7/8/2006
Status: offline

Hi,
I myself hadn't been able to acctually be in this relationship for a long time ( I couldn't even acctually see one)although I knew I was serious. And having been told I was playing a game by some guys, I had seriously wondered if I was just playing a game...but when I met my current owner whose sub I really wanted to be, I could overcome my fear somehow...I had no idea if I was really gonnna be able to make it until the morment I saw him though:) I could do it...so you'll be fine!!

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

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Post #: 25

RE: Chickening Out - 10/16/2006 9:23:25 PM

ChaOz

Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

Yeah, its a huge commitment so you need the right person, its not just fantasy play but a relationship after all. The other option you have is to goto bdsm meets and bars and just be around it for a while, talking to people. Once your comftable stand up in a crowded room and offer yourself to anyone who wants you for an hour. Should get you over it pretty fast.

(in reply to lilmado)

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Post #: 26

RE: Chickening Out - 10/17/2006 7:01:35 AM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaOz

Yeah, its a huge commitment so you need the right person, its not just fantasy play but a relationship after all. The other option you have is to goto bdsm meets and bars and just be around it for a while, talking to people. Once your comftable stand up in a crowded room and offer yourself to anyone who wants you for an hour. Should get you over it pretty fast.

Funny you should mention going to bar where BDSM locals meet.....I did do that on 2 occasions....and I chickened out both times....first time...got there early...sat at the bar...some drunk idiot kept hitting on me...so I left...second time I never even made out of the Jeep....which is odd...cause normally I don't have a problem in new crowds.....

(in reply to ChaOz)

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Post #: 27

RE: Chickening Out - 10/17/2006 3:09:31 PM

sharainks

Posts: 499
Joined: 12/13/2004
Status: offline

I would wait until you find someone you can feel comfortable letting go with. The first time is always somewhat scary and you don't know what to expect or how you will react. The first time is also very important. Pick the wrong dom and it could be the last time you want to try bdsm. Pick the right one and you could be forever hooked on WWITWD.

There isn't a hurry, you may feel like you can't wait, you may be insatiably curious. The wait for the right person to introduce you to this will be worth it.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

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Post #: 28

RE: Chickening Out - 10/17/2006 5:58:52 PM

ChaOz

Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eruditegirl1

Funny you should mention going to bar where BDSM locals meet.....I did do that on 2 occasions....and I chickened out both times....first time...got there early...sat at the bar...some drunk idiot kept hitting on me...so I left...second time I never even made out of the Jeep....which is odd...cause normally I don't have a problem in new crowds.....

Sounds like it would be a good idea if you meet a few people purely on a friendship level and nothing more. Maybe if online you found a few you wouldnt be interested in, like subs/females (depending on ur preferance) and just ask them to show you around the local scene and introduce you to a few people. Or take some friends who might be interested to the bar next time. There is nothing wrong with being shy, and its good to wait until you find the right person. Even then take it slow and dont rush into anything.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

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Post #: 29

RE: Chickening Out - 10/17/2006 7:21:42 PM

ladychatterley

Posts: 132
Joined: 3/10/2006
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Overall, I mostly agree with what's been posted. But, in my opinion and experience, even when you meet the right person, you may still have doubts, and fears. If you are chickening out because you don't know if you will be alive the next day, keep chickening out. There is no place for those fears and your intuition is probably warning you away from a not-safe person. But, for me at least, I think I have met the right man, and I still want to chicken out. Only time will tell, but I care deeply about him, and even if we met in a vanilla form, I would want to date him (till I broke up with him for some stupid reason cause of the whole not-nilla thing) because we have amazing communication and similar interests.

And yet, I continue to have major doubts, not because of him, but because I don't like this part of myself. I'm scared I won't be spiritually fulfilled, will get resentful in a few years for giving too much, will be taken for granted, will turn into a little giggling twit with no backbone, will become emotionally stunted or something, that I'm re-inscribing patriarchal commodification of women and I'll wake up one day and say 'what was I thinking?'. This is a price I think we pay for being SO far outside the mainstream, and we are outside the mainstream no matter what side of the stream you swim in. If you are like me, you ran away from this for a long time for a reason! It may not be a good one emotionally, but it is a narrative through-line that has considerable intellectual power. If you fought your essential nature for decades, the right person isn't going to make you stop fighting yourself.

For me, I've actually found a man I can share my fears with, in the appropriate time. (It only took me a decade of lurking, meeting people occasionally and running back to the nilla world!) But there are times I just have to suck it up and deal. It is part of who I am deep down and I can't change it. Intellectually, the idea that we explore our shadow sides in our erotic nature, and that my accomplishment and drive during the day is flipped at night, but not negated, that has helped me. But intellectual understanding only takes me so far. You have to start living it to let the intuitive learn it is OK too--like muscle memory or something. The first time you put on roller-blades, it will be terrifying. There is a leap of faith that has to happen and if you wait for the perfect person that makes all your fears go away, it may never happen because, for me, the vast majority of my fears were about who I am, not whether he was safe.

(in reply to ChaOz)

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Post #: 30

RE: Chickening Out - 10/17/2006 8:30:45 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

If you fought your essential nature for decades, the right person isn't going to make you stop fighting yourself.

This line has really got me thinking....
thank you for posting it....

(in reply to ladychatterley)

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Post #: 31