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Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 7:32:39 AM

FitToBeTiedUp

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/22/2006
From: St. Paul, Minnesota
Status: offline

I have a somewhat embarassing question to ask, but it has been bothering me for awhile and I was wondering what other people thought about it or if other people had this experience.

Certain types of D/s activities come in sets. If you're into humiliation play, you're probably into X, Y, Z activities. While it is not a perfect match or guaranteed, I'd be willing to bet that there are certain sets of activities one sees together when looking at profiles. At least, there have been in my experience.

Well, for me, the Doms who are into the kinds of things that match my submissive tendencies also tend to be into Orgasm control. In fact, for many of them, it is one of their favorite behaviors/activities.

Well, I'm a 22 year old woman who has never had an orgasm, though not for lack of trying. Of course, this tends to be something that partners (whether dom or not) set out to attempt to change. Even when I explicitly tell them that the harder they try (especially when it is clear that that's what they are attempting to do), the less likely it is to happen and the more painful it is for me.

This creates multiple problems:

1) If I trust them not to put pressure on me to try and they put that pressure on me, I lose trust in them.
2) If they are someone who enjoys orgasm control (particularly on the chastity end), I cannot avoid telling them that I don't orgasm because it signficantly impacts the nature of that kind of play.
3) Related to #1, if I fail to orgasm when someone puts that kind of effort into my pleasure with the expectation of orgasm and I don't, I am left feeling ungrateful or unworthy of that attention. (This is the kind of situation that I most frequently have to safeword out of, because if I don't I will have a nervous breakdown that I know my partner isn't capable of handling and for which they are unprepared to provide any aftercare.)

I guess I'm wondering a)if anyone has had similar experience, b) why "forcing me to orgasm" is a limit that men seem so unwilling/unable to respect, and c) if it is a fair limit to set and expect me to honor.

I'm willing to hear pretty much any theory/answer from anyone, which is why I posted it here, rather than around the "ask a submissive" pool.

(Disclaimer: I am perfectly comfortable with not orgasming during activity as long as I'm not being pressured to orgasm or if the measure of a "good and successful scene" doesn't involve me reaching climax.)

Post #: 1

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 7:41:25 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FitToBeTiedUp

1) If I trust them not to put pressure on me to try and they put that pressure on me, I lose trust in them.

If the limit is agreed upon, then it should be respected.

2) If they are someone who enjoys orgasm control (particularly on the chastity end), I cannot avoid telling them that I don't orgasm because it signficantly impacts the nature of that kind of play.

True.

3) Related to #1, if I fail to orgasm when someone puts that kind of effort into my pleasure with the expectation of orgasm and I don't, I am left feeling ungrateful or unworthy of that attention. (This is the kind of situation that I most frequently have to safeword out of, because if I don't I will have a nervous breakdown that I know my partner isn't capable of handling and for which they are unprepared to provide any aftercare.)

I guess I'm wondering a)if anyone has had similar experience, b) why "forcing me to orgasm" is a limit that men seem so unwilling/unable to respect, and c) if it is a fair limit to set and expect me to honor.

Men love challenges, and have a strong desire to be "good" lovers, and many equate their partners having an orgasm as the pinnacle of being said good lover. Again, though, if a limit is agreed upon......

I'm willing to hear pretty much any theory/answer from anyone, which is why I posted it here, rather than around the "ask a submissive" pool.

(Disclaimer: I am perfectly comfortable with not orgasming during activity as long as I'm not being pressured to orgasm or if the measure of a "good and successful scene" doesn't involve me reaching climax.)

Do you know why you're unable to orgasm?

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 2

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:30:33 AM

FitToBeTiedUp

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/22/2006
From: St. Paul, Minnesota
Status: offline

(Disclaimer: I am perfectly comfortable with not orgasming during activity as long as I'm not being pressured to orgasm or if the measure of a "good and successful scene" doesn't involve me reaching climax.)

Do you know why you're unable to orgasm?

Nope. Sometimes I am able to get closer to orgasm than other times, but whether alone or with another person, I am unable to climax. Sometimes the over-stimulation leads me to a crying, panic attack. Other times, I just completely shut down and my partner might as well be rubbing my pinkie for all the good it will do.

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 3

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:38:54 AM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FitToBeTiedUp

...I guess I'm wondering a)if anyone has had similar experience, b) why "forcing me to orgasm" is a limit that men seem so unwilling/unable to respect, and c) if it is a fair limit to set and expect me to honor.

a) yes.
b) what Level said (re challenges & "good lovers")
c) no.

this whole thing is a raw nerve with me too. luckily i'm with someone who doesn't need to make me cum to know he's good in bed.

feel free to drop me a line if ya wanna talk about it privately.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 4

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:40:06 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

You mention a "panic attack", were you abused as a child or something? I'm not a physchiatrist *smiles*, but I wonder why sexual climax is so tied to terror for you.

I don't mean to pry too much here. As gypsylee said, it might be something you wish to remain private.

< Message edited by Level -- 10/15/2006 8:41:47 AM >

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 5

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:45:54 AM

tesoro

Posts: 6
Joined: 6/24/2004
Status: offline

i dont orgasm either, at least not with someone there or watching me or anything like that. by myself im okay, i can please myself... but if someone is there expecting it, the pressure is too much for me. ive been asked if i know why i cant.. and the best answer i can think of is that i have a very hard time relaxing. im very tense, very wound up and its very hard for me to relax and let go. but like you, it still feels really good even though i dont cum. i just dont like the pressure to cum because when i dont i feel like an absolute failure.

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 6

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:50:43 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

a)if anyone has had similar experience

To being 'expected to orgasm?' - yes. And it sucks. It is one of the biggest orgasm killers.

quote:

b) why "forcing me to orgasm" is a limit that men seem so unwilling/unable to respect

Because like Level said, many like the challenge. I have seen woman behave in the same way mind, disappointed when they do not get their other half to orgasm. But it isn't all about the end result, its the whole thing.

quote:

and c) if it is a fair limit to set and expect me to honor.

For me, I dont think it is fair and no I dont think you should be forced if you are completely happy with not orgasming. If you feel lost, or left out because you cannot, then anyone worth your time will not force, but work with you on it. Theres nothing wrong with certain times being set aside to investigate why you are not orgasaming... if you decide you want to look into it with your dominant. Counselling can help, and not everyone is a clitoral orgasmer... some can only do so through anal... some can only do some when entered vaginally... some do so only through nipple stimulation... some are g-spotters... the list goes on... what you need to find is a dominant willing to work with you if thats something you want to work on. If orgasm just isn't an issue, then you should not be forced.

There are times when you get to a point (and I can relate) where you are just almost there and you just cant quite break that point. It happens even to those of us who can orgasm without issue. And no amount of fondling or thrustings going to help and it can bloody hurt and the frustration can be painful. Anyone who works you so hard, obviously isn't listening and watching your body, and that would concern me.

Like gypsylee - I will offer private letters too if you feel you want to talk about it. Just contact me on the other side.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 7

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:50:56 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

if you cant achieve an orgasm ording you to do it on demand seems rather silly to me lol i would just find another game that had as much control i find it very unrealistic to have that exoected of you lol even with the most highly skilled lover if you cant cum u cant cum and prdereing someone to probably wont help that lol

if it bothers you a lot that you cant i would suggest trying to find out what it is that stops you i cant imagine my life without them now lol

_____________________________

Proud mistress

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 8

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:55:19 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I feel your pain- literally. While I was lucky to be able to find someone I could orgasm with by age 18, I am still extremely difficult to bring to orgasm and I know exactly the light in the eyes that partners will get at the prospect of being "the first one."

Nothing kills the mood faster than realizing that they care more about the orgasm and proving themselves than just having a good time with you.

Your only real option is to find and be with someone who IS patient and who WILL care more about spending time with you than "the big o."

They are rare- but they do exist.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 9

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 8:55:50 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

You mention a "panic attack", were you abused as a child or something? I'm not a physchiatrist *smiles*, but I wonder why sexual climax is so tied to terror for you.

I don't mean to pry too much here. As gypsylee said, it might be something you wish to remain private.

I know your question wasnt to me Level, but I wanted to answer. I will say that when I was younger, I had panic attacks when I was with someone who simply had to have me orgasm. I have never been abused, but its the absolute panic that I felt when I was being led to believe I was failing, just because I wasn't cumming. It is too much pressure. I would be unable to breathe and ended up thrashing around without control, simple because I couldn't get him off and he didnt realise I was having a PA because the entire focus was on the orgasm. I panic when I fail - that is just who I am.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 10

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:01:54 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Hey there dark *warm hug and smiles*......... thanks for answering that. You know, looking over this thread, it looks as if "fear of failure" is a common link, and that is understandable. Sex is so..... charged up with anxiety to begin with (at least a lot of times it is, for many of us), so add performance anxiety (for men or women), and you have some hurdles facing you.

Orgasms are wonderful, but should not be the be-all, end-all in a relationship, I'm thinking.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to darkinshadows)

Post #: 11

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:06:34 AM

SirDraven

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: Atlanta GA
Status: offline

I am daibetic and sometimes have erectile problems. The whole thing for me is the journey (sex or scene) and not the end (orgasam)

Foucs on enjoying the "journey" and the orgasams will take care of themsleves.

As was said before limits should be respected.

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 12

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:07:50 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FitToBeTiedUp

I have a somewhat embarassing question to ask, but it has been bothering me for awhile and I was wondering what other people thought about it or if other people had this experience.

please don't be embarassed. Your question is serious and honest.... personally I think you should be proud of the courage you show in asking these questions that affect you so intimately.

quote:

Certain types of D/s activities come in sets. If you're into humiliation play, you're probably into X, Y, Z activities. While it is not a perfect match or guaranteed, I'd be willing to bet that there are certain sets of activities one sees together when looking at profiles. At least, there have been in my experience.

This is an interesting observasion. Something I will have to consider it further. I do believe it as some merits but as you say not a perfect match.

quote:

Well, for me, the Doms who are into the kinds of things that match my submissive tendencies also tend to be into Orgasm control. In fact, for many of them, it is one of their favorite behaviors/activities.

Well, I'm a 22 year old woman who has never had an orgasm, though not for lack of trying. Of course, this tends to be something that partners (whether dom or not) set out to attempt to change. Even when I explicitly tell them that the harder they try (especially when it is clear that that's what they are attempting to do), the less likely it is to happen and the more painful it is for me.

I suspect you know all the challenges with regards to having an orgasm. I suspect you know that the harder you try the harder it will become to obtain. I suspect you know that the best thing for you would be not to focus on having or working towards orgasms in the first place. Ironically, the likely easiest path to obtaining orgasm is not to try or focus on them in the first place.

quote:

This creates multiple problems:......

I think you only touch on the highlight problems... however ... Please understand you are not the Problem... IT is those individuals that are not respecting you that are the problem. The best thing for you is to abandon these types of individuals the first time they head down the wrong road. You don't deserve such treatment... you deserve bettter than that.... make sure you protect your boundaries in this regard.

quote:

I guess I'm wondering a)if anyone has had similar experience, b) why "forcing me to orgasm" is a limit that men seem so unwilling/unable to respect, and c) if it is a fair limit to set and expect me to honor.

I can relate a personal experience in this regard. alandra for many years didn't have orgasm. My approach from near the beginning has also two fold... one never push or even focus on the effort for her to have an orgasm. And two... always expressed how much I enjoyed myself with her. always diverted the attention away from the orgasm. always trying not to let her feel inadequate because she didn't have an orgasm.

In the end the approach worked. Slowly she stopped thinking or considering orgasm and just let herself enjoy what we did. Then one time she had a orgasm.... I didn't suddenly change directs and focus on the orgasm either... we just kept going... and slowly the orgasm came more often. Now I can control her... I tell her to stop in mid orgasm and then release her. We can have alot of fun with it... but only when it is right. The road was slow but... it was worth the end... and in fact... I think we both became better lovers because of the road we traveled.

Neither of us focus on the orgasm... be it mine or hers. That just isn't the goal! Which is where I think alot of people have problems in their sexual experiences... they make having an orgasm being the goal. Well frankly to me that is settling for less that what is possible. Until a person stops focusing on the orgasm as a goal... they will never appreciate what is possible.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 13

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:14:24 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Good post, Knight.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:18:09 AM

darkinshadows

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
Status: offline

oh, warm hugs from Level - never ever turn away from them!... I think I could snuggle quite nicely...

It just depends how the sex flows. (I am not sure if I am making much sense) And if someones forcing another against a 'flow' then not only is orgasm not going to happen, the whole things going to collapse and be remembered as one huge failiure. And failiure leads to guilt and regret - and questioning ones performance. So many people think too much when it comes to sex - it becomes so contrived.

Now.... back to that hug....

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 15

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:19:31 AM

gypsylee

Posts: 293
Joined: 9/18/2006
From: Melbournia, Australia
Status: offline

kudos to everyone here for responding to the OP with understanding and tact.

respect.

_____________________________

You're one twisted fuck... Nup, I'm just an ordinary girl with nothin' to lose.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 9:31:21 AM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

I have the same problem, and I feel it's pretty common among women, please don't feel like you are alone in it. Although with me, I can orgasm on my own, it's just that a partner can't get me there. It used to work with oral sex, but since earlier in the year, that won't work anymore at all either. I know that it's frustrating for them, because they feel like they are sooooo good at oral, yet I don't get off from it. I have faked it a couple of times, but because I was tired of it being the focus and I was ready to move on.

I wish I could understand this about myself also, I know it's very frustrating for you. I am the same as you, I don't have to orgasm to feel satisfied that I had a good time. It's pleasure going through the acts, and from seeing the person I am with happy.

I hope you find someone that can help you with it, even on your own. Maybe some toys or something like that can help you a bit. Once you get that part going, maybe the other will happen for you also.

If it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. I hope you find someone to be with that understands it doesn't have to end in an orgasm, for you to have enjoyed it.

Best of luck,

Akasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to FitToBeTiedUp)

Post #: 17

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 10:47:35 AM

FitToBeTiedUp

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/22/2006
From: St. Paul, Minnesota
Status: offline

Wow, thank you for all of the awesome supportive responses. Somehow I always believed that it couldn't be just me, but it seemed like such a new thing to everyone I've been with (save one incredibly responsive, respectful friend/Dom), that it was hard not to start thinking that maybe it was just me.

The fear of failure thing is the major overriding factor against success here.

Gypsy, I'm glad to hear that those kinds of partners exist. It gives me hope that every guy I meet WON'T be focused on my lack of orgasm.

My big experiential problems have been that vaginal intercourse really starts to hurt if I'm being pushed too hard to succeed and that with clitoral stimulation, if I'm not given proper opportunities to recover, I completely shut down. There are these little windows where I know it could happen, but the stars aren't aligned or something so it doesn't, and I panic and get really frustrated. Whenever I get pushed beyond that comfort zone, I push for my partner to orgasm as quickly as possible so that they aren't left feeling unfulfilled but so that I'm not left feeling like a giant ball of tears.

You guys are all great. I'm really glad I asked.

And thanks to KoM, because that post was really helpful from the other side, too.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 11:28:15 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

thank you gypsylee, now i have to go and get Him a kudo... (and for those that do not know kudos are a snack bar)

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to gypsylee)

Post #: 19

RE: Orgasm Control - 10/15/2006 12:57:39 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Agree with all that has been said. Have had the problem my whole life and it is the pits. Fortunately i have a wonderful vibrator that has helped me more than once. I have also been fortunate enough to have had partners that understood and did not push. Perhaps that understanding was part of my selection process to begin with. My Dom is very patient. I explained my problem to Him before things became sexual. His comment was well lets see what happens or doesn't cause as long as we are both enjoying ourselves that is all that matters. Those words began whatever healing needed to occur. We have had to reevaluate a few times such as when using the vibrator and He tells me i must ask permission to orgasim it is all over cause it is NOT happening then. LOL guess that would be a good punishment but damn it is frustrating. Soooo after discussing the issue we had to decide if that was something that was important to Him (the asking permission) or if it was more important to Him for me to be able to orgasim. As time goes on and my trust in Him has grown this has become less of a problem but it still exists and i suspect it always will. For me i believe i have a fear of losing total control. After all when are we more vulnerable than when orgasiming? And no it is not the complete explanation but a partial one. Enjoy what you can and relax and if the Dom insists then he is NOT the Dom for you and i would recommend your continueing to search. And yep i have seen that look and the girls decide they don't any of them want to play when that look is around.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 20

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