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Topping from the bottm - 4/26/2004 4:51:17 AM   
siamsa24


Posts: 2426
Joined: 2/2/2004
Status: offline 		As I said in my last post I am fairly new to this site and to the public scene in general.
I was recently told that I was topping from the bottom and that my Dominant better not be letting me "get away with it." I was unaware that topping from the bottom was bad (or even that I was doing it), can someone please give me some insight on this?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Topping from the bottm - 4/26/2004 6:24:03 AM   
Sylverdawn


Posts: 1123
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		topping from the bottom is like being passive aggressive.. you just cant give it a good definition..

It is I suppose the knowing or unknowing manipulation of a situation in order to get what you want..

Sub A.. doesnt like how the Dominant is paying so much attention to Sub B.. they create a scene ( this could include by is not limited to..pouting, a temper tantrum.. being flirty with another Dominant..being flirty with your dominant..any sort of lookatmelookatme behaviour ) in order to shift the focus to them and the Dominant allows that to happen.

Its sort of co - dependent.. the Dominant has to allow it to continue..

< Message edited by Sylverdawn -- 4/26/2004 6:25:21 AM >

_____________________________

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.” Elyane Boosler

Being a women is hard work Maya Angelou

(in reply to siamsa24)
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RE: Topping from the bottm - 4/26/2004 10:41:44 AM   
SherriA


Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: siamsa24
I was unaware that topping from the bottom was bad (or even that I was doing it), can someone please give me some insight on this?


Topping from the bottom is generally used when the bottom in the scene is directing, or moving things along in the way that s/he wants them to go.

Topping from the bottom isn't "bad" unless your personal relationship paradigm says it is. In mine, it's not. I often tell people that I co-top from the bottom. I like to have some input into how the scene is going, and how it can be made to go where I want it to, in order to achieve whatever it is that we're looking for.

Many people see topping from the bottom as manipulative, and it can be in some cases. However, I'm pretty much of a mind that no one can be topped from the bottom unless s/he allows it anyway. You can push and manipulate to your hearts content, and unless the top goes along with it, it will be ineffective.

Personally, I'd suggest talking to the top in question, and getting his/her input. If s/he felt manipulated and you didn't intend that, then perhaps you have things to discuss. If it was good all around for everyone involved, then who cares what other people think?

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to siamsa24)
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RE: Topping from the bottm - 4/26/2004 4:18:34 PM   
GoddessMarissa


Posts: 247
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Las Vegas NV
Status: offline 		When I deal with a new client I will allow a little topping from the bottom, because I'm still trying to feel them out. It does not irritate me one bit. If I do not like the behavior, then I immediately stop the behavior. As my personal life goes there is no such thing as topping from the bottom.

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D/s makes the world go round~~
www.Domina.ms/love

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Topping from the bottm - 4/27/2004 7:48:51 AM   
truckin2some


Posts: 9
Joined: 4/23/2004
Status: offline 		With us, in our newness and just beginning on our course, "topping from the bottom" is an issue we are having to address. In our marriage, it is mutually agreed on that she will have the last word on everything, and what she says goes. For me sometimes I have a problem in that when I have an issue about "how" she is dominating me, or I happen to think that what is going on at the moment is not exactly how I think it should be, I have passing moments and periods of time that I think I know better, and what we should be doing. I know that is not submission in its true form, and just how much input I shoud have or not have is something we are defining. Her outlook is more long-term results, mine is more of in the present and "now". This morning we had a long talk about it, and came to the conclusion that I should write in my daily journal any negative feelings about any aspect, for her to read. If something is Really bothering me at the moment, though, I can always speak up RESPECTFULLY. But it seems that the daily journal is the most appropriate way for me to express feelings, both positive(by far the most prevalent feelings) as well as negative, to avoid me trying to "top from the bottom".

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Topping from the bottm (new usernames) - 4/27/2004 12:59:32 PM   
slaveofKat


Posts: 24
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline 		Just a note...for the sake of posting, we created 2 different usernames, instead of keeping the truckin2some. Mistress's new username is Katmistress, and my username is slaveofKat. This will make it easy to see at a glance and avoid us having to clarify each time we post, who is the one posting. Thanks!

(in reply to truckin2some)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Topping from the bottm - 4/30/2004 4:36:21 PM   
MasterHyde


Posts: 127
Joined: 4/10/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		Hello siamsa,

Others have already said it, but yes... topping from the bottom is generally considered manipulative. The passive-aggressive comment is spot on. It's not something I would encourage, but I know it's perfectly acceptable to some people. If your relationship is like mine (and I gather it is from some talking you and I have done) then your goal is to submit to your master. You don't want to control him anymore than I want to be controlled by one who serves me.

I'd like to address the comment that someone apparently made to you. Whether it's true or not, it sounds an awful lot like one of those "sour grapes" comments so many people on the outside make when they're dissatisfied with their own life and wish to criticize others to make themselves feel better. It's almost as common as "You're not submissive." You usually hear this one when someone wants something from you, and they can't get it. Random strangers who think you should give them more respect than they deserver, or worse, expect you to throw yourself at their feet just because they said you should.

Don't let others define your relationship, or to influence your own self-worth. If your master is happy with you, then what does another's opinion matter? If you're topping from the bottom, it's only a problem if your master says it is. Or, if you feel you're defeating your own needs by gaining too much power in a relationship where you wanted someone else to have the power. Point is, it's up to you and your master to decide if there's a problem, and what to do about it.

_____________________________

Master Hyde
A self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/1/2004 10:36:25 PM   
1classy1


Posts: 2
Joined: 3/16/2004
Status: offline 		Personally, I always felt, that if I have to Top from the bottom, that it is a clear portrayal of the Dom's lack of experience...*shruggs* I know W.we all have to start somewhere, but isn't that what mentorship and play parties are for? Just my two cents, for what it is worth...*s*

Warmly,

classy1

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/2/2004 11:16:57 AM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Personally, I always felt, that if I have to Top from the bottom, that it is a clear portrayal of the Dom's lack of experience...*shruggs* I know


I have to do that too, hubby is very inexperienced as a Dom but is trying hard. He is continually asking me "what do you want me to do now?" LOL

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


(in reply to 1classy1)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/2/2004 11:46:16 AM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Master Hyde
The self-righteous, poly, dominant, possessive control freak with strong paternal tendencies and a sadistic inner child


Ya know Sir, other than the poly part, you sound a lot like Master. Though I think he is starting to lean that way. BTW, Hi to you too :)

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Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to MasterHyde)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/2/2004 11:52:27 AM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I get acused of it often. It is usually the set up for a joke. (Yes, humor itself can be seen as topping from below. I can control her via laughter. Of course gags work well.)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/2/2004 12:11:03 PM   
LadyBeckett


Posts: 865
Joined: 2/4/2004
From: Scotland/Tennessee
Status: offline
quote:

Personally, I'd suggest talking to the top in question, and getting his/her input. If s/he felt manipulated and you didn't intend that, then perhaps you have things to discuss. If it was good all around for everyone involved, then who cares what other people think?


Yet again, this is where communication comes in, and again works beautifully within the relationship toward a win/win for everyone involved. Regardless of what your lifestyle choices are this would apply. Because the relationship is personal, what other's think only matters if you ask them. And then, like advice, only if you decide to apply it.

_____________________________

Lady Beckett

_______________________________________________

"Submissive boys yearn to fall into their proper place, so the rest of their life will." ~ Lady Beckett

(in reply to SherriA)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/3/2004 9:46:36 AM   
MistressDREAD


Posts: 2943
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
siamsa24 anothers opinion
of what you and Yours did
is just that, an opinion that
holds no water and the only
thing of importance is that
you and Yours were happy
and those here have gave
you insite as to what Topping
from the bottom is and you
can now determine for your
self if you did and if you do not
desire to do it again or Yours
does not desire for you to do it
again can work on it to correct
it if need be.

co-opting from the bottom
is not the same as Topping
from the bottom sherriA

ohhh My but how You sound
familiar to ME Hyde! giggles
I could of swore that was My
discription of My self not long
ago!

that sounds like a copout in
its self classy to blame another
for your actions?? um duhhh?

NOW!!! did I TOP every one that
I should of?? hmmmmmmm...

(in reply to siamsa24)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/3/2004 6:03:32 PM   
Katmistress


Posts: 33
Joined: 4/27/2004
Status: offline 		It's one thing to give your opinion and let the Master or Mistress make the final decision....when you demand to get your way then you cross the line.
That's just my opinion.

(in reply to MistressDREAD)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Topping from the bottm - 5/4/2004 3:44:58 PM   
iwillserveu


Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

It's one thing to give your opinion and let the Master or Mistress make the final decision....when you demand to get your way then you cross the line.
That's just my opinion.
-KatMistress

First, Nice avatar!

Second the wording of the opinion is critical. There is a differnce between, "Mistress, You may want to tie me up and spank me,""
and "Mistress, Tie me up and spank me," or even "Mistress, please, please, tie me up and spank me." All three mean the sub wants to be tied and spanked. The new sub, however, may not differentiate between a "request" a "command" and a "beg".

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to Katmistress)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Topping from the bottm - 6/28/2010 7:16:43 PM   
joey46


Posts: 29
Joined: 8/19/2009
Status: offline 		There is a fine line between topping from the bottom and communicating.  For me, the difference is in the timing, but I guesss intention is pretty important too.

The topic shows up in several movies.

Have you ever watched the scene in "Deconstructing Harry" where Woody Allen tells Cookie, a prostitute he has hired,  "No, no.  First you tie me up, THEN you call me names and then you beat me."  To which she replies something like "Oh, sorry.  So I tie you up, call you names, and then beat you" with a perfectly straight face and a "let me get it right, tell me again" attitude.

There was a similar scene in the old "Carnal Knowledge" where the domme was being corrected for not getting it exactly right.

It's silly and gets a laugh, but actually not that uncommon, especially among us male subs.  "Beat me, chain me, make me do exactly what you want . . . unless of course it hurts too much or I don't like it, then ....."

There's a documentary titled "Sick" in which the masochist whose life and death are being chronicled has actually written and performed a song on this topic.  Excellent movie, but be forewarned that the subject of the story dies on camera.



(in reply to iwillserveu)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Topping from the bottm - 6/28/2010 7:19:53 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Joe?.... this is another 6 year old thread.

The people you are replying to are all dead.

I know it is sad...... I wish there was some way to bring them back...... but we cant.


Start a new thread joe.....really

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Topping from the bottm - 6/28/2010 7:23:45 PM   
thornhappy


Posts: 8596
Joined: 12/16/2006
Status: offline 		Compadre, it's a 6 year old thread! 

(I didn't even know you could find threads that old!)

(in reply to joey46)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Topping from the bottm - 6/28/2010 7:24:40 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Are you topping thorn?


I do not approve!

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to thornhappy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Topping from the bottm - 6/28/2010 7:27:15 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		WOW i Just noticed...10,000 posts. If you added the ones that were pulled.... it would be 12 -13000.


Can I get my time back?

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 20
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