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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/28/2005 2:08:16 PM

DomButNotForgotn

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There are plenty of people into verbal humiliation, fetish play (femmed men, etc), corporal punishment/pain/discipline who do not need or want sex to go with their fetish. For me it's not all about sex, it's all about everything that leads up to sex, or follows sex! Okay, I'll qualify that - it's about the relationship, building trust and intimacy so the communication and sharing can allow each partner to be comfortable with each other whether they are having sex or not.

Mark
Boston, MA

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/28/2005 6:07:48 PM

GrandpaLash

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Sex without D/s is about as pointless as D/s without sex.

Grandpa Lash

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/28/2005 7:00:44 PM

ShadeDiva

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Not in my opinion.

*chortle*

~ShadeDiva

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 10:26:45 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessDustyGold

And for Me it is not about SEX, and I state so clearly in My profile. It is about Power and Control. Yes, playtime can be highly sexually charged, but I choose when, where, what, how. I state this in My profile, in order to discourage those who are just looking for some kinky sex. And there are a lot! That's ok, just not what I am about.

I can identify with this statement.

It's not all about sex, but more often then not, sex is involved. It's not about sex in the traditional way of viewing sex, that's for sure. But then again, I never understood sex without power dynamics. Even when I'm having sex with a stud (rather then a sub), there are always power dynamics. Seduction is a form of power.

But getting back to the whole question about whether or not BDSM is about sex, I think that is a question of practices and perspectives.

Though I rarely have "sex" with my subs (though it has been known to happen), the scenes are usually highly sexually charged. It is a very rare occasion that the play does not arrouse me and that the boy submitting to me is not hard as a rock or the girl not dripping on the floor. If there is no sex there, then I'm not sure what else to call it.

Then again, what is arousing is most likely the power dynamics more then the sexual ones. But the reaction is sexual. See how it gets all confusing?

Maybe we should say that BDSM is about pleasure? Then again, I'm not sure that would apply to everyone either. How bout we just say it's a very individual thing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dave8544
I guess it's only sex if the male is the one doing the screwing to the female!

So I didn't actually have sex with all those girls?

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 1/29/2005 10:27:26 AM >

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 10:47:50 AM

LadyAngelika

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quote:

What do you call Massage Therapy?

I go see a professional masseuse once a month. For me, it is a proactive way of staying healthy (stress relief, better circulation, etc)
She has hands of steel and when she is done, not only do I feel like steak tartare, but I am wet as hell. Must be the maso in me <weg>.

- LA

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 11:12:56 AM

dommissa

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The way I see it, sex is a part of BDSM, but one can, in theory, exist without the other. To say that BDSM is just sex is to say that marriage is just sex-- Most people who would get married just for the sex wouldn't bother with marriage in the first place; people who are into the BDSM lifestyle just for the sex aren't very likely to actually take the time to become a part of the lifestyle.

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 11:53:50 AM

domtimothy46176

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Well put. I had more than my fair share of sexual partners before I discovered the world of BDSM. Some of them were even into S & M. I got into D/s because it spoke to who and what I am outside of my sexuality. I sought a submissive based on who and what she was outside of her sexuality although I also qualified my search parameters to those wth whom I could also have rewarding sexual relationship.
For us, sex is not a needed part of our relationship but it's nice to have. We both have ample opportunity to have our sexual needs met outside of our dynamic but find it unfulfilling compared to the admittedly different fulfillment we receive from the non-sexual foundation of our D/s relationship. If forced to choose between non-sexual D/s and vanilla sex we would choose the D/s every time. We would much rather have the meat than the gravy but find the two go best when served together.
Timothy

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 12:18:42 PM

darkinshadows

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quote:

ORIGINAL: GrandpaLash

Sex without D/s is about as pointless as D/s without sex.

Grandpa Lash

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShadeDiva

Not in my opinion.

*chortle*

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Angel shall second that...

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RE: Sex and BDSM - 1/29/2005 7:01:57 PM

Bigbossman4u

Posts: 116
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quote:

Well put. I had more than my fair share of sexual partners before I discovered the world of BDSM. Some of them were even into S & M. I got into D/s because it spoke to who and what I am outside of my sexuality. I sought a submissive based on who and what she was outside of her sexuality although I also qualified my search parameters to those wth whom I could also have rewarding sexual relationship.
For us, sex is not a needed part of our relationship but it's nice to have. We both have ample opportunity to have our sexual needs met outside of our dynamic but find it unfulfilling compared to the admittedly different fulfillment we receive from the non-sexual foundation of our D/s relationship. If forced to choose between non-sexual D/s and vanilla sex we would choose the D/s every time. We would much rather have the meat than the gravy but find the two go best when served together.

Very well put Timothy.

In the general populace, some humans are more sexual than others, and there is a myriad of preferences and proctivities to be found. Surely within the Lifestyle, there would be that spectrum as well? There are those in the lifestyle who are very sexual and are turned on by the power exchange and various play, as well as those who could play without much sexual arousal- deriving other satisfactions from it - i suspect most of us are in between. Who's to judge each other's inclination? (so long as one isn't a predator, dishonest or malicious?)

personally, I could never see myself getting in a relationship with someone who does not share both my heavy sex drive and my interest and preference for kink. Though I wouldn't expect to share exact same interests, compatability is IMO equally as important as attraction, trust, communication etc, etc. Just as I am still capable of vanilla sex casually, I am certainly capable of just playing or scening csually w/o sex, but I have never experienced that up to this point, and I'd certainly never get into a long term relationship where that is the case, either. I know myself too well.. it would be too frustrating, as would a long term vanilla relationship (being that I am not poly).

Interesting thread.

Best,
Joshua

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