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Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 7:07:23 PM   
babysburnin


Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline 		I have all the tools to be "strong, smart and wilfull".  I am going through a custody situation ... I should be evil - I just don't have it in me... My baby (6 now) deserves to be with me. How do I turn my "justice will prevail attittude" into  "mean mode"? 

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 7:14:24 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I have all the tools to be "strong, smart and wilfull".  I am going through a custody situation ... I should be evil - I just don't have it in me... My baby (6 now) deserves to be with me. How do I turn my "justice will prevail attittude" into  "mean mode"? 

Since I do not know your ex, and his parenting skills, I find that I really don't have any advice to give you on this one. Just try and prove that you are the better parent.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to babysburnin)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 8:41:02 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think turning evil or mean is the way to go, but sometimes being hard and strong is necessary.

One method might be to realize that you're showing your daughter exactly who she should look up to and become.

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 8:50:43 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I agree.  There is a difference between being determined, intelligent, thorough and strong.  I do not believe there is ever a good time for evil.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 9:08:50 PM   
SlaveAkasha


Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		I think if you very much know your unmentionable is better of with you, then you can and will do what it takes to make it happen.  I don't think you have to be mean to accomplish this, just come in with all of the facts that are on your side, and present them.  There is being tough, and strong..and there is being mean and spiteful.  I think being tough and strong are two of the better qualities myself.
 
Akasha

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 9:35:18 PM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I have all the tools to be "strong, smart and wilfull".  I am going through a custody situation ... I should be evil - I just don't have it in me... My baby (6 now) deserves to be with me. How do I turn my "justice will prevail attittude" into  "mean mode"? 


A story to share babysburnin.  my son is a Marine.  He is actually a good kid.....same as you....strong, smart and willful.  But he is not evil.
 
Anyway, he got a girl pregnant (he was 26....she was 20).  At the time, she was in the Army.  To be honest, i had doubts that this was my son's child as she was surrounded by thousands of other guys.  But my son insisted it was his as according to the dates, she was up visiting him.  Okay.
 
To try to make a long story short...this girl has several issues.  She is bipolar and goes through these f'd up episodes where she is suddenly loving and sweet....then suddenly "crazy" where she hates him, belittles him and really gets maniacal.  She was in anger managment therapy when she was in the Army.  my son has tried living with her, but it is just impossible.  However, he does not want to leave his son.  my son really does not want to hurt this girl in any way.....but he is not willing to let go of his child either.
 
He and i talked about custody....as he wants to be a part of his child's life...and not only at the mother's crazy discretion.  i advised him to talk with an attorney.  He balked....as again, he really did not want to do that to her.

There are several points my son could make as to why he would be the better parent to have custody.  But quite honestly, he just can't find it in himself 'to be that evil'.  Yes, he may have to dredge up some very ugly things about her.....but they will all be true.

So while he's fighting this dilemma, i sent him some links to child custody attorneys in his area.  i told him like this:  This is something you have to do because you believe in it....no matter how hard it is.  You have to be strong.  Only you can make the choice of if it's harder to 'be evil' in this case...or give up the custody rights of your child to her.  You are the one who has to live with the decision.  And then i left it up to him.

After much thought, he did contact an attorney.  The custody process is now underway.  He just called me the other day and said he 'felt guilty' because she was in her 'up mode' and being very sweet.  i reminded him that this will not last....and he actually knew that.

Wow.....i went on longer than i planned....but my point is this babysburnin.  You need to determine what is most important to you in life.....and you need to fight for that.  i don't think anyone will judge you for your decision but when all is said and done, you are the one who has to live with it.

Now...is it more important that you muster up the courage to fight for this issue....or could you live with the other outcome?  That is only for you to decide.

Daddysgirl  

(in reply to babysburnin)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 10:14:25 PM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		adaddysgirl: Get a DNA test done.

As to the rest, you dont have to be evil. just get a good lawyer and private detective, and let them do the rest. a private detective is good as they can get all sorts of hard evidence.


< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/18/2006 10:15:23 PM >

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 10:24:25 PM   
talibahh


Posts: 389
Joined: 4/9/2006
From: NSW Australia
Status: offline 		babysburnin,
 
i know what you're going through... it isn't easy, but i agree that being strong and wise is what's needed, not evil
 
hugs in support,
tali
 
**great advice daddysgirl

_____________________________

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time" ~ Sir Winston Churchill

in giving You my freedom, i gain the freedom to be me ...
~ tali ~

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 10:36:06 PM   
Sabastianaa


Posts: 20
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline 		Best advice I can give you is this .. I have 3 unmentionables and I love them beyond words .. I did the whole nicey nicey thing , It don't work think about the facts ,,, Is he trustworthy ? Is the home he is at stable and a safe enviorment ? Do you feel your unmentionable is safe when there ? Do you feel your unmentionable will thrive or just survive there ? Unfortunately things like this make us Mothers seem evil since sometimes we pull out all the stops to do what is correct by our unmnetionables , Saddly You need to be realistic not evil .. and be prepared to hear that your a (derogatory name) plenty throughout it all ,, You will get your feet under you it takes a bit of getting pissed off before the Momma bear comes out Submissive or not you will do whatever is best for the health wealth and well being of your unmentionable..
Good luck

(in reply to adaddysgirl)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/18/2006 10:46:03 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Being evil is never the answer. I did my best to choke up everything my ex tried to do when we went through our divorce. I would constantly say to myself that he would always be the father of my son, there was nothing in the world that would ever change that fact. I was always going to have to come into contact with him, it was a forever deal. There is also this to consider, the anger you create today will be there for a long long time, your child has half this person's dna floating around in his blood stream, and how you feel about your ex is going to be translated to the child. If that is a negative thing the child will sense it.

Also one more thing to consider, one day (and that day came about two years ago for my son) your child is going to start to question what happened between the two of you... if you act in a way that is underhanded and beneath you... well one day that bit of information could come back and bite you in the ass. Mothers that keep the fathers of their children at bay often lose the respect of the children once they find this out... and it usually comes out. I have always tried to remember as a mother that I am a role model and that I wanted my son to find that I have acted with integrity, especially when it came to his father.

Always act in a way that is in the best interest of your child, no matter what that action is... and you will be fine. If being around the other parent could be harmful and endanger him, well act to protect him with everything you got, but that does not mean you have to be evil... if it is more of an issue of not wanting to share him, or differing views of what is good for him... then being evil will probably backfire one day big time... big mistakes have big consequences

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 10/18/2006 10:48:47 PM >

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(in reply to babysburnin)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 4:07:17 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ChaOz

adaddysgirl: Get a DNA test done.

As to the rest, you dont have to be evil. just get a good lawyer and private detective, and let them do the rest. a private detective is good as they can get all sorts of hard evidence.



When this girl was first pregnant, i did sit down with them and tried to talk about a DNA test.  She got really pissed off (a red flag?) and told him to "forget it, he didn't have to be the father then".   She said she would just take the baby and go live with some relatives in FL.
 
my son believes he is the father because of the dates she supplied to him.  He said she was visiting him during the time she supposedly got pregnant.  So he chose to believe the baby is his.  Since she was pregnant when she got out of the Army, she came to live with him.  He was there when the baby was born...he even cut the cord.  He has since totally supported both of them (she goes to college).  i have tried to talk to him again about the DNA but he says it doesn't matter now.  The baby will be one this Saturday and to my son, he is the father, regardless.
 
He's almost 27 now and he knows how i feel about it.  i guess that's all i can do.  i have already told him that i will support him whichever way he chooses but if he chooses to accept this responsibility without the DNA, NOBODY better come back in a year, or 5 or 10 and tell me this is not my grandchild. 
 
Although we are separated by distance (me in NY and them in MD), i will do my best to establish a grandparent/grandchild role with him and once that is established, nothing is going to change that.
 
As far as the lawyer, i just told him to just be honest and tell him everything...then let the lawyer determine what proof is needed.   i guess much like divorces, these things can get ugly 
 
DG

(in reply to ChaOz)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 4:14:39 AM   
smilezz


Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline 		I have gone through similar. I have friends that are at each other's throat during a nasty divorce and custody battle.   I do understand that not everyone can have a "clean" divorce, or "clean" custody issues.  I happen to believe i am one of the lucky ones.

A friend sat me down years ago while going through this and said:  "Rember, at one point, you both loved each other".   In a custody battle, you need to put  "your own" feelings aside and do what is right, what is BEST  for the child(ren) in question.   That's not always easy.....most of us feel we are the best person for that child.  What about the other parent?  don't they feel the same way?  
I know it's not alway fun to "play nice"....but in the end, if things can be worked out with a level head, putting your feelings aside, doing the next best thing, doing what is "right" for the child(ren)....it sure makes it easier in the long run.

As i said earlier, i am lucky.......my ex-husband and i have an awesome relationship.......now!  my child is happy......healthy......well rounded young lady that loves her parents, even though they are not together, nor in the same state.  She also loves her mom's husband (Thorns).....she has a step-sister that she adores, she has grandparents from this extended family that absolutely adore her.  Her ideal thought?  yeah, that her parents were still together....but most children think that.  What we do as parents...how we act, how we show our children the next right thing is what will get them through all this.  THAT! is what is important......ensuring what is best for our kids.

I don't know your situation, i hope it all works out for you...........what i hope works out, is what is best for your child in the long run.

good luck!

~smilezz~

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 4:16:25 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: talibahh

**great advice daddysgirl


Thank you tallibah.  i hope all works out for both babysburnin and my son (crosses fingers) 
 
DG

(in reply to talibahh)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 7:20:48 AM   
RedSavageSlave


Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline 		While I most vehemently appreciate what the OP is going through.. I really dont see what any of this has to do with BDSM, D/s or being a submissive.

(in other words.. why are we discussing here in the threads?)

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So many thoughts, so few of them rational

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 7:28:07 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

While I most vehemently appreciate what the OP is going through.. I really dont see what any of this has to do with BDSM, D/s or being a submissive.

(in other words.. why are we discussing here in the threads?)

Because sometimes...just sometimes...the facelessness of the net affords a view that can not be reached in face to face.
and maybe, just maybe because she feels that she might get more honest answers here than from someone face to face.
I don't see what the problem is with people bringing in discussions that affect RL outside of BDSM.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 7:58:47 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		I think the OP thinks being submissive makes her that way in all situations. Which certainly isn't true. I am an ICU nurse. Which means I have to be very assertive and sometimes aggressive. This is my job and I have to be this way to take care of the type of patients we get. Being submissive doesn't mean you can't stand up for yourself and defend yourself. If you want to fight for something, especially your child that doesn't make you less submissive.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 9:30:59 AM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		A different viewpoint. My ex got mean & evil during our break-up, I did not, I remained decent and honest. She got everything except the debts (see I got something out of it ).
I however am still certain I did the roght thing. I have my honour and my decency as a human being intact, and I never let her take that from me, no matter how hard she tried.

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 9:43:58 AM   
MsKatHouston


Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline 		IMO you should both take a step back and see what is best for the kids.  Conduct yourself in a manner which will shelter them from the bitterness you have for one another.  If being with you is the best thing for them, make sure you have your argument prepared and present it in a factual manner.  Try as much as you can to keep the kids out of it.  If at all possible, reason with the ex to see if a compromise can be reached so there is at least some semblance of peace for the kids.  It's not a choice of who can beat who for the prize of the kids.  It's more about let's see how much we can both suck up to give some semblance of normalcy in our kids' lives so they are not affected by our BS.

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-Kat

~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 9:59:37 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin

I have all the tools to be "strong, smart and wilfull".  I am going through a custody situation ... I should be evil - I just don't have it in me... My baby (6 now) deserves to be with me. How do I turn my "justice will prevail attittude" into  "mean mode"? 


You do what you feel as a parent needs to be done. Forget the mean shit, it always comes back to bite you in the ass.  You have the lawful right, by legal means to fight for what you believe in.  It takes courage to overcome any fears of guilt in this area as to who is the better parent, only you can decide.  It doesn't have to get ugly (on your part).  Remember one thing, think twice, then thrice.  Never do anything that you feel you may regret in the future.  Gauge your actions, observe your thoughts, and choose to act only on those thoughts, that will get you to where you need to be.  Forget the emotional aspects, they skew your better vision of the situation.  Do your level headed best, to stay within the realm of logic when making critical descisions regarding the well fare of your child.
 
i am in love with my children, and i will fight with honor and dignity to make sure i act within their best interests, even if what they may need in the moment, may not be in my own best interests.  If you truly believe that what you have to offer as a parent will be in the best interest ofyour child.  You have enough within you right there to move forward with honor and integrity, and not allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise, and not allow your emotions to get in the way of your cause.
 
Good luck to you and others who are going through similar, tis never easy, but the rewards are priceless, keep your chin up and your head and heart strong.  It may be a long drawn out thing at times, but don't let the pressure cuase you to succomb to your emotions or entertain less than honrable intentions with your actions, it just isn't worth it.  Be encouraged today. *smile

(in reply to babysburnin)
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RE: Submissive versus Tough - 10/19/2006 10:57:08 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RedSavageSlave

While I most vehemently appreciate what the OP is going through.. I really dont see what any of this has to do with BDSM, D/s or being a submissive.

(in other words.. why are we discussing here in the threads?)


Nothing to you personally RedSavageSlave,
 
But comments like these always seem to get me.  *grin  For at least for me, living M/s has been just my way of life, and personal issues are a part of that way of life.  Now i know that some folks may feel it may have been better to post this thread in the off topic section.  But the OP was making reference to being sub verses tough, and that is why she posted it here.  At least this was my interpretation of it.  At any rate, you posted that remark but i didn't see you offereing any thing else, so to me,  it seemed to be an insensitive remark given the nature of the topic.  Again, nothing personal toward you, just wanted to share my view on the comment itself. 
 
 

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)
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