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Domming - 10/21/2006 12:35:51 PM   
SirDon56


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		I am entirly new to this lifestyle. My wife has informed me she wants to be dominated and I am not sure how to procede. I need some guidance so that I may fill that need since the thought of someone else filling it does not thrill me. We already do some light bondage and spanking and I am trying to control some other areas as well. Any help would be appreciated.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 1:12:48 PM   
BenRushton


Posts: 1
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDon56
I am entirly new to this lifestyle. My wife has informed me she wants to be dominated and I am not sure how to procede. I need some guidance so that I may fill that need since the thought of someone else filling it does not thrill me. We already do some light bondage and spanking and I am trying to control some other areas as well. Any help would be appreciated.

The only person who can provide guidance on how to dominate your wife is ... your wife.

There are no standard templates, just different people with different needs, wants, tastes, likes, dislikes and limits.

This is usually a conversation best had over a bottle of wine when you're both already feeling relaxed and comfortable, and if she still finds it difficult to articulate her needs, then another approach is to have her write something - be it a description of what she wants, or perhaps a story that illustrates the sort of things, the feel, the style, she is looking for.

Then you need to decide whether that's something you're willing and able to provide. If at that stage, you need some specific advice, post again and I'm sure people will be happy to offer it.

Ben


(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 1:24:16 PM   
DarkSideisXTC


Posts: 13
Status: offline 		Playing Dom and being a Dom are not mutually exclusive. Does your wife want a D's relationship or does she want you to dominate her in the bedroom? Discussing it when everyone is relaxed is as has been suggested is helpful. One other thing that a new Dom faces is allowing his submissive to top from the bottom in the begining so you discover what works. One thing I sense in your email is do you want to Dom? You said fill her need? What are your needs? If you don't have a genuine desire to Dom her then a frank discussion now is better then unfilled desires later.

Good Luck,
Dark... 

(in reply to BenRushton)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 2:49:19 PM   
softpjOS


Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
Status: offline 		I'd recommend you read the book Come Hither.  Can't recall the authors name off the top of my head but a quick search on Amazon.com will pull it right up.  Excellent book to help You understand why she wants/needs this as well as some pointers for beginners. 

(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 3:25:38 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Hi and welcome to the Forums.... :-)
 
A question....
This "light bondage and spanking and I am trying to control some other areas" bizzo; are *you* actually getting anything out of it (such as personal enjoyment) beyond pleasing tha missus?
 
Thing is, if it's all about the needs of just one, it's unsustainable.  And frankly, if you're unsure how to proceed with a willing submissive, I think you're in over your head. 
 
There are generally two distinctive aspects to domination/submission.... 
One is the physical aspect or kink which can be taught/learnt by *anyone* (tying knots, spanking etc) and, in fact, many vanillas indulge here.
 
Second can't be taught, merely honed and refined - the creation and maintaining of a D/s control dynamic.  This is about an individual need to control another or be controlled in most aspects of daily life, and hardly includes props or toys (kink) at all.  For eg, I have a need to control what my girl wears in private and public; how she grooms and maintains her personal appearance; how she addresses me; how and where to stand before me when she wants something or I want something from her and so forth.  Indeed, some of my personal requirements can be done with a vanilla audience yet they'd never even know a control dynamic is taking place - it's our secret! 
 
And none of the above is something I tire of *because* it is my individual need to control my partner and I'll reward/punish her on how she carries out my demands.  And since I'm not an abusive arsehole, I can only be satisfied by a partner who also has an individual need to be controlled this way - an exchange of individual powers for a mutual benefit.
 
Your wife obviously desires to be controlled....  What about your *personal* needs?
 
Focus.

(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 8:25:42 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		You guys need to sit down and have a detailed, open discussion or 3 about what each of your needs are, expectations, desires, etc. You can read books such as The Loving Dominant, The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book, Erotic Surrender, SM 101, Consensual Sadomasochism, Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns, and there are a lot more. They can give you different perspectives on Dominance and submission and in reading them maybe you will find things that click for you, fit you, resonate with you and maybe you'll learn some about the other side of the dynamic. Honestly you both need to talk openly and honestly and both know and understand where the other is coming from and what each of you wants. It's individual and up to you and her to find what fits and works for you.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 9:15:12 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		I've always had any new sub write me several erotic stories so I could get a feel of what they wanted before I started to work. Take what really makes her wet and add yourself to it.  Once you get comfortable with it then you can start doing things without her input and judge how much she liked it during. Also, finding out is either one of you are into pain can go a long way to more fullfillment.

(in reply to SweetSarijane)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Domming - 10/21/2006 10:37:20 PM   
SirDon56


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		I don't know that I have a need in as much as the word implies. I do know I find great pleasure in what we have done so far. I have always been the aggressor in the bedroom, and would to move into other areas of our life.My wife is not looking for total dominance but when I ask her she is undecisive about what she does want. We have always been equals outside the bedroom so it is difficult to expand into those areas. Once again I appreciate any and all responses and advice.

Thank You
Don

(in reply to DarkSideisXTC)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Domming - 10/22/2006 5:57:13 AM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		yeah I dont think either of you know what you want as its a different type of relationship to the one you have previously had, uncharted waters. Start with the basics. Find out what her kinks are and what she wants to explore, let her play a major role in the initial rules then after a while begin to change them to suit your desires as a Dom. Just take it slow, moving from bedroom fun to domination outside of the bedroom requires a lot of emotional input and communication from both parties and just remmeber no matter what happens you have your love and marriage, its solid so you can just go back to the way things were. You said in your initial post that she wants to be dominated, and in your last that she doesnt want total domination. You need to talk and work out to what degree the power will shift, then be consistant and not indecisive. There's a lot of ways to get around having to make up your mind if your not sure, remember its two people in this relationship, just remmeber the main thing is mental domination.. not just tieing knots and that has to be developed over time in whatever way she is most comftable with and you have to be up for it.


< Message edited by ChaOz -- 10/22/2006 6:05:12 AM >

(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Domming - 10/23/2006 1:09:26 AM   
ChaOz


Posts: 98
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		ok couple of points:

1. She doesnt want a nice guy, shes married to a nice guy. She wants a Dominator. It sounds almost as if she is bent over with the furnace going and your fidgiting with the condom.

2. She said 'I want to be dominated,' its not a topic for rational/logical debate. Its an emotional need that you need to tap into and explore. Your lucky she aint going elsewhere to get it, a few wives do, running off to hotel rooms with leather clad men to be used/abused. Do not be afraid to use and abuse her, to a slave its a pleasure and you need to work through your own boundries just as you push her through hers.

3. I'd suggest slavery, coz im a stickler for it. Once you work out what areas you will control her, then start to control her. Maybe all the time, maybe only when she is in her collar or has your hand wrapped around her neck to signify being dominated. Training collar.. to full collar etc.

You need to phase out of the straight married role to a Dom/slave role.There's a lot of ideas concerning how to control someone from them having to tell you their thoughts to orgasm control, all of these will make you much closer to her. You'll be able to read her better and have to learn how to tune into her physical body. Its all good.

One thing I can suggest is to refrain from kissing each other until her training is complete. Just consider how vital that is to intimacy, companionship, etc. Its a funedemental part of any relationship, how we show how we are feeling but remember, you need to shift the relationship. Your already comftable with each other, and after you ram her a few times without intimacy, kissing, it will have an effect on you both. Just go without it til she is trained, so she has something to work towards, and only allow her to touch your body with her lips if she has permission.. and then only a specific part.. -ahem- Remember, shes your toy now. If you let her top from the bottom it probably will disintegrate.You need to be Dominant and in control so you need to find things you enjoy as well as meeting her needs.

(in reply to ChaOz)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Domming - 10/23/2006 3:22:39 PM   
SirDon56


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		Thank You ChaOz for your advic e it clears up some confusing thoughts on my part.Thank all of you.

(in reply to ChaOz)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Domming - 10/24/2006 4:55:44 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Stay in charge. Make her have to ask for permission before getting off the couch and doing whatever.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Domming - 10/24/2006 6:57:43 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDon56

I am entirly new to this lifestyle. My wife has informed me she wants to be dominated and I am not sure how to procede. I need some guidance so that I may fill that need since the thought of someone else filling it does not thrill me. We already do some light bondage and spanking and I am trying to control some other areas as well. Any help would be appreciated.


A common question - don't feel bad for asking for help.

Take it slow. Figure out what YOU want from her and then have her do it. You've mentioned that she is not sure what she wants. Well, then tell her what YOU want. Ultimately, if she wants to be Dominated, that is what she will need - your hand to guide her. Start small, take small steps. Perhaps what she wears on Tues and Fri. Perhaps how she gives you head. Perhaps how she is to address you.

The danger is trying to do it all, that can be overwhelming for both.

Good luck!

Regards,
EO

(in reply to SirDon56)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Domming - 10/24/2006 7:07:47 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		You don't have to move from an hour in bed to 24/7. Frankly, I wouldn't recommend it. Why not start out with specific times, such as all Saturday. You pick what you want her to wear, whether she can have her hair up or down, what you want her to make for breakfast. You decide if the day will be spent cleaning the gutters or grocery shopping or mini golf and ice cream. You decide if you're going out to eat and you decide when and where. You can pick her food for her, or give her a choice of three things she likes, or simply ask her what she wants and you tell the wait staff.

You tell her to sit by your feet while you watch tv or if she can sit next to you on the couch. Just remember that what she thinks she wants may not be so inticing in reality. So sure there's a way for her to tell you if it's something she needs to stop immediately for whatever reason. And talk about it in detail afterwards, what did she resent, what made her hot, what made her feel submissive and what she's confused about. The open communication is the most important.

(in reply to ExtremeOwnerIL)
Profile   Post #: 14
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