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Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 6:59:54 AM

Paradoxy

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

Ok, so I've got some recommondations on literature (which I fully intend to read) and I'm ready to move onto the next step...

I think I'm "ready" to get out and starting talking to people, however, the area I live in is EXTREMELY lacking in that department (an actual "community"). It seems most of the folks that are serious about the concept are sparce.

I supppose I'm taking for granted that all you vets out there would have the answers to my questions...I don't expect that at all.

As far as a "style" or "approtch" to domination, I suppose I would utilize a lot of what I learned from the basic-training (Army)...with just a dash of physical violence...sprinkle in love and affection...let cool for 20 min...of course all of that will be modified, I'm sure, after I read the literature I've gotten.

Post #: 1

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 7:50:14 AM

Ava82

Posts: 55
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline

Just remember to be flexible, and appease your sub, or else you will not have a sub for very long! Also, falling into a domination "routine" I think is very similar to falling into a routine with vanilla sex. Surprise your sub. Keep them guessing and tantalized!

As far as physical violence, be careful at first. Make sure that's what your sub wants, and that you a doing some sort of a buildup, not just whacking the hell out of someone. Speaking as a sub who was once whacked the hell out of, and never returned, use baby steps and know what you're doing!

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 7:56:53 AM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Paradoxy

I think I'm "ready" to get out and starting talking to people, however, the area I live in is EXTREMELY lacking in that department (an actual "community"). It seems most of the folks that are serious about the concept are sparce.

I'm surprised that Wichita doesn't have any munches - but if all else fails, you can start one. It's a PITA, and very discouraging for the first several months, but after a while, people start showing up, and there you are, right in the middle of everything.

Worked for me, anyway.

quote:

I supppose I'm taking for granted that all you vets out there would have the answers to my questions...I don't expect that at all.

Oh, we'll have answers for any question you can think of. I won't guarantee that they'll be the right answers, but they'll be answers.

quote:

As far as a "style" or "approtch" to domination, I suppose I would utilize a lot of what I learned from the basic-training (Army)...with just a dash of physical violence...sprinkle in love and affection...let cool for 20 min...of course all of that will be modified, I'm sure, after I read the literature I've gotten.

Style is pretty individual, and hard to get from a book - or from example. Mostly, I'd suggest that you just be the boss, or dom, or whatever *you* wanna call it.

To do is to be. To be is to do. Shoo-be-do-be-do....

Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), while not the Ultimate Answer to Everything (tm) that it claims to be, has some useful tools. One such is 'modeling' - the process of achieving success by pretending to be successful. It is, very much, playacting in your own head - but hey, what do you have a head for if you can't play in it?

When dealing with a submissive (or a cute vanilla) that you're interested in being dominant over, try to act as if you've done this so many times that your skill in dominance is without question. I don't mean that you should lie about how much actual experience you have - just project the confidence you'd feel if you were an old hand at this.

Every so often, just for fun (and to remind myself that I can actually do this), I'll walk through somewhere public with the 'dom vibe' on - focusing on the "fact" that I can bring anyone I wish to their knees whenever I wish, just by power of personality. I get some odd reactions at the mall, or walking thru the grocery store - the unlikliest people go weak at the knees, just seeing me stroll by. It's not that I'm actually doing anything unusual, it's what I'm thinking, and that projects.

So play with that - it's wierd, and feels fake the first few times - but as you get used to it, you get more comfortable with it, and good at it. It's a useful skill - being able to put on your DomlyDom face, without anyone else being able to say exactly what it was you did.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 8:28:05 AM

leathersmith

Posts: 52
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

Suggest that you seek out your local BDSM group and meet likeminded persons in a neutral setting. My local group, CAPEX has a special group for newbies and probly yours does too BTW be sure to look into the difference between bottoms and subs might save you alot of trouble

(in reply to Ava82)

Post #: 4

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 9:17:46 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

Personally speaking, I wouldn't try to dictate a style if you're just starting out. I've learned more from dumping preconceived notions of what I thought I would be interested in, and just absorbing from learning from others. What you may find is a completely different "style" than you thought to begin with.

You're going to discover a great many things and keeping open to new paths will take you far.

Good luck in finding a local outlet.
Regards,
EO

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 9:18:21 AM

Ladyofthemanor

Posts: 51
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline

Also might try looking for a Dom/Master mentor. To help with your style, and safety issues. Also, look into the different styles of bdsm, and when you are reading, make out your own bdsm check list of what you have done, want to do, your turn off and ons. So when you go to look for a sub/slave you will know what your needs/turns on are. Compatiblity, makes for a lasting relationship.

slavelilly

(in reply to leathersmith)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 9:19:19 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ava82
Just remember to be flexible, and appease your sub

Interesting phrase - what do you think it means to "appease" someone who has given control? (Note that I've removed the word sub - as the distinction of sub/slave/bottom is one that is hardly agreed upon and would deflect from my question.)

Regards,
EO

< Message edited by ExtremeOwnerIL -- 10/24/2006 9:20:15 AM >

(in reply to Ava82)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 9:26:01 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Go to google (google is your friend) and put in BDSM Groups your city your state. These are some of the links I got; I have no idea how close they are to you, however.

http://come.to/K-I-N-K
http://www.ahs-kc.org/

Perhaps the easiest thing to do is to start a yahoo group for people in your area, write up a nice letter and send it to everyone on collarme that's in your area.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 9:51:27 AM

Ava82

Posts: 55
Joined: 1/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExtremeOwnerIL

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ava82
Just remember to be flexible, and appease your sub

Interesting phrase - what do you think it means to "appease" someone who has given control? (Note that I've removed the word sub - as the distinction of sub/slave/bottom is one that is hardly agreed upon and would deflect from my question.)

Regards,
EO

Hi EO,

My view is that it's never all about the Dominant. If it was, I think Doms would be rather lonely people! I'm saying that it's important to keep the sub interested, to do things that they like as well as things they don't. When you move into a more serious level of commitment and knowing your own style and tastes, it will probably become more about what the Dom wants and less about the sub. But in the beginning, I think it's important to take the sub's wants and needs into consideration, or else you might be out a playmate

(in reply to ExtremeOwnerIL)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 11:33:27 AM

TheShadows

Posts: 403
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Southern Illinois
Status: offline

I started the first BDSM-D/s Group in our rural area when I was only 19, and with very little Lifestyle experience to boot. As others have noted, opening a Yahoo Group for people in your area is a great starting point. If you have a Barnes & Noble store near you, print out some crude business cards with the Yahoo Group's address on them and slip them into the BDSM and D/s related books, which are in the Relationships/Sexuality Section. The people who thumb through those books are looking in them for a reason.

As far as your Dominantion style and approach, do what works for you. If you're more into militarism, and you feel comfortable with those protocols, go for it. Assuming you have Sadistic feelings, "a dash of physical violence" can be a great thing...IF you have the tools and know-how to do it within you and your partner's acceptable risk parameters.

In other words, find things that appeal to you, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Best of Luck,

MrsShadows

< Message edited by TheShadows -- 10/24/2006 11:34:00 AM >

_____________________________

"The reason the mainstream is thought of as a stream is because of it's shallowness." - George Carlin

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most..." - Ozzy Osbourne

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 12:41:57 PM

Paradoxy

Posts: 51
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

Thanks for all the advice, turns out there are a couple of groups for the area on Yahoo.

And a major thank you to emdoub...your post helped a lot.

(in reply to TheShadows)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/24/2006 12:45:06 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

You have mail. Hope it helps.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom Starting Out - 10/25/2006 6:51:52 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Ava82
My view is that it's never all about the Dominant. If it was, I think Doms would be rather lonely people! I'm saying that it's important to keep the sub interested, to do things that they like as well as things they don't. When you move into a more serious level of commitment and knowing your own style and tastes, it will probably become more about what the Dom wants and less about the sub. But in the beginning, I think it's important to take the sub's wants and needs into consideration, or else you might be out a playmate

*nod* Thank you for the reply. I agree, in that two people are going to be compatible only through their "ya-ya's" being fulfilled. I think that in the beginning, both are going to find out those ya-ya's and see how they work. I don't know that I would say the "balances" shift from one to the other, though - I think that, given we are in a consensual power exchange relationship, my girl and I are still balanced in how we approach each other - she fulfills her ya-ya's through service and I fulfill mine through ownership. I haven't thought that the balance might shift, although now you've given me something to think about... always a good thing!

Regards,
EO

(in reply to Ava82)

Post #: 13

RE: Dom Starting Out - 11/15/2006 6:06:50 PM

SirAnthony

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/22/2004
Status: offline

interesting. he is asking about Domination, yet profile says he met his Mistress.
So the question must mean that he wants help for her??

there are groups near Wichita, if not in wichita. just need to find the right peep hole!

(in reply to ExtremeOwnerIL)

Post #: 14

RE: Dom Starting Out - 11/16/2006 1:56:40 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I'm trying to envisage how lessons you learned from basic training in the army helped equip you to now "decide" (?) to be a dominant.... Maybe it's just me because I stayed away from the military as I really suck at being ordered about. Army sounds like a great place for a budding submissive though....

As for finding like-minded people, and as SA has pointed out, your profile says you've now found your Mistress (huh?), so there must be something happening in your area....

Frankly, until you're at least mature enough to distinguish between erotic pain and "physical violence", I'd suggest you stick with doing as Mistress says - maturity is a wonderful Dom/me trait or tool.

Focus.

(in reply to SirAnthony)

Post #: 15

RE: Starting Out - 11/16/2006 9:19:58 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Paradoxy

Ok, so I've got some recommondations on literature (which I fully intend to read) and I'm ready to move onto the next step...

I think I'm "ready" to get out and starting talking to people, however, the area I live in is EXTREMELY lacking in that department (an actual "community"). It seems most of the folks that are serious about the concept are sparce.

That most are not serious is a considerable understatement. Much of the popularly digested literature regarding "BDSM" tends to support the ideology that personal subjugation is nothing more than a tool for elevated romance and novel sexual recreation. And while that is indeed a portion of the animal, there is far more to it, as anyone who has ventured beyond the prevailing standard can attest.

My advice is to read / take advice selectively, and listen to your gut. There is a substantial volume of "public relations" subtext in much of what is written—and hence, spoken—on the subject of domination and submission which sometimes blunts the less culturally palatable truths about this form of human behavior. Take what fragments of wisdom you find along the way, and discard the rest.

Above all things, listen to your instincts and follow your vision with consideration and accountability. Avoid the babbling chimera that is the popular community doctrine, and embrace meaning in what you do.

< Message edited by amayos -- 11/16/2006 9:27:11 AM >

(in reply to Paradoxy)

Post #: 16

RE: Dom Starting Out - 11/16/2006 9:51:20 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: emdoub

Every so often, just for fun (and to remind myself that I can actually do this), I'll walk through somewhere public with the 'dom vibe' on - focusing on the "fact" that I can bring anyone I wish to their knees whenever I wish, just by power of personality. I get some odd reactions at the mall, or walking thru the grocery store - the unlikliest people go weak at the knees, just seeing me stroll by. It's not that I'm actually doing anything unusual, it's what I'm thinking, and that projects.

So play with that - it's wierd, and feels fake the first few times - but as you get used to it, you get more comfortable with it, and good at it. It's a useful skill - being able to put on your DomlyDom face, without anyone else being able to say exactly what it was you did.

Midnight Writer

There is definitely something to be experienced when playing with energy and the "power" of intention...good thoughts emdoub.

(in reply to emdoub)

Post #: 17

RE: Dom Starting Out - 11/16/2006 10:21:21 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

www.drkdesyre.com

There are groups in Witchita.

*SIGH*.................nothing funny comes to mind.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to raiken)

Post #: 18

RE: Dom Starting Out - 11/16/2006 8:16:48 PM

SirDraven

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/13/2006
From: Atlanta GA
Status: offline

To qoute my mentor....

"Having someone kneel at your feet and serve you should be a very humbling experience."

In my opinion pain should be for pleasure not for punnishment. If your sub likes to get spanked and mess up cuz she knows she will get spanked where is the fun in that?

Make her think. Have her write a few hundred words on the subject. Have her carry a tennisball around all day and do her activites without dropping it.

If you make it more mental then physical that will set you apart from all the other "Doms" out there

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 19

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