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losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 9:07:36 AM   
proto


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		last night i lost my first sub.

she was my x-gf, and  the one that came to me, looking to explore bdsm as it was always someting that she felt she needed. and she knew, loved, and trusted me enough to let me do it.

but i proved to not be what she needed as a dom. now i'm wondering if i have what it takes at all. most of the dom experiences i've come acroos seem to suggest that a dom is awakened by the needs of a sub. while almost all sub experiences point to an innate yearning to be submissive.

i know this chicken/egg scenario has been discussed ad infinitum here, so that's not where i'm going. and i know that as far as my personal experience goes, while i never thought to seek out a sub, i have always felt evil and twisted. not a "bad boy" in the traditional sense, but more of a f*ed up maniac than anything else. and certainly with a real penchant for the perveted and deviant.

my (former)sub and i were just sexually incompatible. it is sometihng i have wrote extensively about in my profile. in a nut shell, she doesn't and necer did feel sexually towards. and i kept hoping that eventually she would. but that is not to be.

so here i go, coming off exceptionally whiny and bitchy, and very, very un-dom-ly. again. or should i say still?

i just need to hear other doms experiences with not being the "right" one. and how you've dealt with it. no one ever seems to talk about that. except subs, almost every profile makes mention of several ill gotten attempts. but most doms only talk about their subs in the here and now, not in regards to being not in control, and losing.

i mean, this has to part of the experience for everyone... right?

Profile   Post #: 1
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 9:15:25 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		I've spoken a bit now and then about my first "slave" and what I learned from that relationship.

First off, let me say that I believe we get into relationships for reasons and journeys and that when the journey is over, the relationship is over. If we learn things from the relationship that help us grow, then I don't think we can ever regret it, just learn from it.

My first slave and I were extremely compatible sex/kink-wise, but the missing ingredients was an emotional/spiritual connectivity. We failed quite a bit, she lost respect for me and it became a bitter, draining experience. It quite frankly shook me to the core, made me question myself and I was lost for awhile.

When we finally parted, it was bitter and acrimonious and it took me quite a while, and good therapy, to recover, to learn and to grow. It sucked, it was lonely and it was painful, but then growth sometimes is.

I learned a lot of lessons from that, and today, I'm better for it.

Yes, bitter painful failures are part of the experience. They happen. The trick is to learn from them and be better for it.

Good luck to you.
Regards,
EO

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 9:25:58 AM   
Ladyofthemanor


Posts: 51
Joined: 11/8/2004
Status: offline 		i know i am a slave...but my Master was in a relationship that was not the right one for him...i waited for him to figure it out on his own, and he did.  W/we took over 10 years and 1/2 way around the world to find each other, so don't give up.  If the sexual compatibility isn't there then move on. 

It is hard in any type of relationship to say this isn't working lets move on, but in a bdsm there is so much trust and other factors that sometimes people stay to long, and don't break it off.  i think it is OK, to say we aren't right for each other, because everyone has a right to be happy.

i suggest filing out the bdsm checklist on what your like, don't like, limits.  Also look into your fantaies, so when you go to look for your next sub/slave you will have a better understanding of what your needs are, and remember you needs are just as important as your sub/slaves.  A true sub/slave will try and put your need/wants/desires above her own. 

my 2 cents,
slavelilly

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 9:37:53 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		We all doubt ourselves at the end of a relationship. We all ask, "Why wasn't I good enough?" Then we realize, hopefully, that it wasn't that we weren't good enough, it's that we weren't, or were no longer, right for each other. Sometimes, when we're attracted to a specific thing in a person, we try to make it work, hoping that the other stuff will fall into place. This isn't really fair because we're expecting them to change. We'd most likely end up bitter if they wanted us to change for them, because it makes us feel as if they don't accept us for who we are. The reverse of that is also true.

Take the time to sit and write down what it is that you know you want and what it is you know you don't want. Then, write out what you feel you have to offer in a relationship. Defining these things, then making them known to potentials, helps ensure that you find someone who matches you better. Maybe an example of this might help? My Manual.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 10:06:19 AM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		There are very few people who get this right on the first try.
I ave lost subs for many reason. Sexual incompatibility, emotionaly and personality issues as wel as trust problems. I have always taken them as learning opertunities, about myself as well as about what I do and dont need to look for in a potential future partner. It is never an easy thing to get over, it rattles your self esteem whenever someone else ends a relationship. Just remember, you are both people, regardess of the dynamic of the relationship you are bilding, and not everyone is compatible. Sometiems, it just wasnt meant to be.

Just as a thought, you might want to stay away from involving yourself with exs as your subs.  If a vanila relationship has already failed, then chances are not good that a BDSM one will fare better. The reasons for the breakup in the first place probably havent gone away.  Also, I know in my expereince, it is sometiems harder to work with a sub that comes to me looking for control, rather than someone I seek out.  When that happens, the sub often has a preconcieved idea of what they are wanting done, and they are not content to simply follow my lead. In cases like those, I find it difficult to get into teh interaction becasue I am playing to them, and they are not serving me.

Never completely write off a failure. Take it to heart and learn from it.  Go into your next relationship knowing more about yourself, and you'll be more likely to have a better time.  Be patient, though. They dont always work, expecialy while you are stil learning.  I nearly lost my Angel becasue of miscommunication in the beginnning too.  Thankfuly we were able to work it out, and I did keep him, but the failure was a real possibility there. If a relationship is important enough for you to try and save, then talk it out and se if it is workable.  If things cant be worked out, then find what went wrong and see if it cant be avoided in your next relationship.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 11:46:14 AM   
proto


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		i'd like to thank all whom have replied already.

i find it telling of the situation that only female doms have responded(with the exception of ExtremeOwnerIL, but i'll bet it was the lady of the couple that replied)

perhaps i should have said "but most (male) doms only talk about their subs in the here and now...)

Master Fire:
thank you for the manual. that's... a lot of stuff. and clearly way over my head at this stage in my developement. i know this is all very complex and will be a continuous learning experience, but damn! i don't really want it to get *that* complex for me that i practically need a bondage attourney to help me write up an affidavit!

DiurnalVampire:
you hit the nail on the head.
when we were dating the sexual incompatibilty was even more pronounced. although at the time it was phrased as such that sex in general was utterly terrifying to her. as it turns out, the only persoin she wants to have sex with is her crush. and he's the only person that it's never been scary with. with him it's what sex is supposed to be, thrilling, intoxicating, satisfying and enjoyable. being an impudent and childish man, i can't help but feel slighted by that, and that to her sex with me is just unenjoyable. it's not just with me though, it has been bad with everyone but her crush(thus far) she will likely have many other unenjoyable sex partners in her life, though that is not truly what i wish for her.

btw, i'm sure you've all noticed, i type in all lowercase. out of respect, when i reply directly to other masters/doms initially i will do so in your chosen subset of letter designations. but by and large, i will not be following the convention, let alone the W/whole thing.

call me a rebel... that's just how bad i am. oooo he doesn't capitalize! watch out!

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: losing your first sub - 10/24/2006 5:18:15 PM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proto

i find it telling of the situation that only female doms have responded(with the exception of ExtremeOwnerIL, but i'll bet it was the lady of the couple that replied)

perhaps i should have said "but most (male) doms only talk about their subs in the here and now....)


Okay - I'll chime in - and <checks> - yup, I'm a guy.

I lost my first submissive to total cluelessness - it was years later that I even heard of BDSM, and I only understood that relationship in retrospect.

I've lost subs by destroying their image of me with the truth.  I've lost subs by going to extremes that could have been wonderful, but didn't work out - making them Not A Good Idea. 

I lost a sub to mismatch - the BDSM was wonderful, but she was a morning chatterbox while I prefer quiet mornings, she was an early-to-bed type while I'm a night owl, she prefers folkdance while I love swing and ballroom - like that.  The BDSM was good, but that's all that was good.

It's the pits, and sometimes, you find yourself wondering if you can be what you thought you were when you were with them - without 'em. 

Well, that goes two ways - either you find out that it was within you, and only came out when it had an outlet with them, or that you were dancing their dance, without a desire of your own, other than to be what they wanted/needed.

When you find out, you'll be in a better place for yourself - whichever answer it is.  Until then, the best comfort I can offer is that it often sux to learn and improve one's self-understanding - but that it always pays off, eventually.

Hang in there.

Midnight Writer


_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 12:40:29 AM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		Losing the first one was hard,but people grow and what worked before doesnt now.
I look at it as a time to grow and move on to bigger and better things.

I have had a positive loss of a submissive to his Girlfriend who became his Domme after watching Me with him.It's a great feeling for Me that things are going well for T/them.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 12:43:29 AM   
Zensee


Posts: 1564
Joined: 9/4/2004
Status: offline 		Welcome to Regretsville, proto. Self-doubt will sidle up to you at the bar and try to get you drunk. That's OK as long as you don't become bosom buddies.

Being honest about what you are will see you through. When we try to be something we aren’t, for someone else, or expect them to be what we need, then we are dooming ourselves. And sometimes what started out ‘right’ stops being that. We change and relationships are dynamic. The notion that their failure must always be someone’s fault leads to much unnecessary suffering. It presumes that it could have been fixed.

Now if things keep coming apart the same way every time, there is no learning happening, just a script you are running. Time to do some real work.

Z


0

_____________________________

"Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water." (proverb)

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 6:47:30 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: proto
i find it telling of the situation that only female doms have responded(with the exception of ExtremeOwnerIL, but i'll bet it was the lady of the couple that replied)


*chuckle* You would be incorrect. She enjoys reading over my shoulder, but I am the one responding to you. I do find it interesting that you assume no Males would respond to you. Why is that?

Regards,
EO

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 7:27:07 AM   
MisPandora


Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline 		One of the first things I learned in this lifestyle was "nothing lasts forever, good or bad."  It got me through my first separation from my then "master" and now my life mentor and close friend of 11 years.  Perhaps you didn't "lose a sub" but you rather gained some insight and hopefully learned and grew as a dominant, and maybe even as a person.  Your beginnings as a dominant will be experiential, and this is just one of probably many "experiences" along the path to enlightenment.

And btw, next time, pick out a model with GPS, or at least put an aftermarket Lo-Jac in it.  It makes for late night locating less of a chore when you lose em!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 8:41:07 AM   
proto


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		Zensee:

i dunno man, i'm just really not all there right now, ya know in the head department.

now that i've had some time now to re-think a million times, i still really  just don't know what's going on upstairs.

pretty f*ing intense stuff. i've never been laid bare like this before, and never gave/shared/told all of what is me to somebody like i did, and i don't know if i will again. it's been f*ing with me just how quickly and entirley i lost it. i mean... shit man i LOST it. i think i'm getting back a few bits and pieces of that mysterious "it".

pretty much everything i've thought/said/typed since saturday has not been metered by any of my usual screening processes. i've just been flying off the handle and lashing out like a beast.

without a doubt i have learned a lot, and yes overall it was a positive experience. and one that i'm glad i had the opportunity to go through. except for the last 3 days of it. but i'm sure that i'll gain a fondness for even these heavy days. it's a bitter pill to swallow, but in the end, i'm starting to accept that it will be of benefit to both of us.

oi. but i now i have so many questions. so many more...


amos


(in reply to MisPandora)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 9:13:52 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Proto,

Young women are in general unstable, they don't know what they want, they don't understand their motivations, they can't tell BS from truth, and on and on.

Men have that whole Madonna/whore thing but women have similiar issues and it sounds like you were right in the middle of one of those dynamics.

Don't worry about her, look to yourself.  Let some time and distance pass before making any judgements about your actions, you are young and inexperienced in life and WIIWD, things will sort themselves out.


(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 10:02:43 AM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline 		Hey proto,
 
Empathy, understanding and self knowledge are usually gained by going through "it" a few times.  You will more than likely go through this again at some point in the future.
 
Now you know how you will handle future situations and be stronger and better in reasoning and assessing your options, and you will make better choices. It comes with time and experience.  Don't be so down or tough on yourself in this area. It is always good to question who you are and re-evaluate.   If you are dominant, then no matter who comes and goes, they won't be able to take that dominant part out of you. 
 
The main idea though is how you handle yourself WHILE going through it.  What you have learned and have discovered about yourself and others. 
 
Remember the lesson, so you don't have to repeat it, forget the rest and move on, for it is his(her)story now.

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 12:23:54 PM   
shadevarr


Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline 		I always tell people who are new that your first Dom/sub is going to be like your first crush, first love and first fuck all rolled into one. Leaving that person is going to tear you up and there is nothing that can be done otherwise. Also, don't let one incompatible sub get you down. My previous two were not compatible with me either but it takes me a while to actually realize that. One of them sexually and the other well...lets not get into those issues.

(in reply to raiken)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 1:45:58 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline
quote:

i have always felt evil and twisted. not a "bad boy" in the traditional sense, but more of a f*ed up maniac than anything else. and certainly with a real penchant for the perveted and deviant.

Sounds like most Doms I know, and as far as not being the right one for her, come off it man, it isn't that you weren't the right one for her, she wasn't the right one for you!

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 11:05:48 PM   
proto


Posts: 10
Joined: 10/11/2006
Status: offline 		ah haha

thank you arpig! i needed that.

thank you so much  to everyone for not absolutely bitch slapping me right the f*ck out of here. jesus f*ck. next time i'm freaking out like such a total f*ing puss, i hope i'll be able to wait a whole three days before i just flood a board with a tirade of  useless whiny crap.

eep. i more than half way want to delete it all and try to save some face... but hopefully it'll be helpful to the next unlucky pledge in this wacky(whacky?) fraternity.

not to exclude all you wonderful dommes who replied also, but  it makes for a more clever pun. don't ya think?

hrmm, maybe not.


amos

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: losing your first sub - 10/25/2006 11:22:15 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		amos,

The dominants who worry less about "face" and more about heartfelt self examination are the ones whom I and many others have the most respect for.

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: losing your first sub - 10/26/2006 6:05:26 AM   
ExtremeOwnerIL


Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline 		proto,

We've all been there, whether vanilla or not. The heart is often not kind, but then, the greatest rewards come only  with the greatest risks. If we stay in our shells, we'll never grow and learn.

I would encourage you NOT to delete your post - others who have experiences similar to yourself can learn from the responses left here. Trust me, there are hundreds of blogs daily about people with broken hearts - you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Good luck,
Regards,
EO

(in reply to proto)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: losing your first sub - 10/27/2006 10:13:59 PM   
theRose4U


Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline 		I would say grab a notebook and start a journal. There's a lot that you can learn just by writing seemingly random thoughts down. Break-ups are never fun otherwise we'd call them something else. Learning what worked, what didn't, what fit and what didn't are going to be some of the most important. Each failure brings us that much closer to success.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to ExtremeOwnerIL)
Profile   Post #: 20
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