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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/1/2006 11:22:12 AM

AGORANTE

Posts: 30
Joined: 11/22/2006
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quote:

I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy.

This is a common problem and there is no guarantee that any advice can help. Your wife has submissive feelings. Probably she first noticed them in puberty. She may have read The Story of O and been strangely stirred.

You on the other hand probably didn't have a lot of fantasies about whipping women when you were a adolescent.

You my freind have a problem. Since adolescence I always wanted to bind and beat women. So I found it relatively easy to ignore the conditioning of polite society with regard to the respect due to women. I expect you can do so too but it will be harder. Also you are going to do this with your wife. Its easier with a relative stranger.

Below I will outline some simple steps in getting started.

Elementary (beginning) BDSM :

Your wife wants you to bind her. This is easy. Just buy a set of cheap handcuffs at an adult book store. For less than $10 you have a valuable tool. Next time you are going to have sex put her in the cuffs. Look at her eyes. She probably will have a strong reaction. If so it will be unmistakeable. This is the look of submission. It is very sexy - and so easy.
Your wife wants you to beat her. This is not very hard either. When she's in cuffs bend her over a big upolstered chair, pull down her panties and spank her. That's all you need to do for now. She will be highly aroused.
Your wife wants you to dominate her during sex. This usually means taking her from behind - doggie style. Stimulate her with your hand from behind, but don't let her on her back and don't let her on top.

Intermediate BDSM:

Buy some toys. If you got good results with the cheap hand cuffs get a decent pair of lined leather cuffs. Also get her some kind of collar. Buy two sizes of butt plugs - small and medium. Shop for them together if you can. Practice first by going in the store alone and asking the shop girls some questions. When you bring your wife later, you will appear sophisticated.
Buy some rope - Go to the hardware store - alone. Get some rope. Read up on bondage. Tie her up. Some women really like being tie up. Some like being beaten. Most will tolerate both. You don't know until you try which one she prefers.
Training - The next time you have sex or a BDSM session begin orgasm control. Tell her that she can only orgasm on command. Stimulate her until she is crazy and then deny her satisfaction. Do it again and then let her cum. Repeat.
Beating - At some time, during your by now routine spankings, you should take off your belt and use it on her. She will probably be thrilled. You will be embarassed at first but she won't see you if she's bent over a chair. After you two get used to that, buy a crop. Crops are cheap, easy to conceal, not too severe, and are an unambiguous tool of domination. They carry a heavy psychological message for not much money.

Don't push too far too fast. Always appear confident. Never ask her a question. Just do it. If she really objects you will know soon enough. In the bedroom just give orders. Don't negotiate. Don't talk it over - at least not until afetwards.

The first time you take a belt to her, don't immediately say, "Is that too hard?" Just give her some hard whacks and then stop. Start with about five. Its normal for her to cry a little but don't react to her tears. Observe how she reacts. If she becomes calm and dreamy that means she has entered a shallow version of sub-space. That's good. But be careful. You shouldn't beat a woman in sub-space until you have much more experience. Probably she will just be accepting and a little confused. She's wanted this sort of thing all her life but its still new to her. She'll probably want a lot more later but at first even a few whacks will get her full attention.

The point is that you want to behave in such a manner that she recognizes your actions as Dominant. There is a reflex deep in the limbic system of human women that reacts to male Dominant behavior. This reflex prepares the female to be mounted. All women feel this to some degree. Your wife apparently feels it more than most. To make her happy you must behave in a somewhat stylized and ritualistic fashion. She wants you to succeed.

After a session you must always hug and cuddle her. Even though she wanted it, beating her will make her confused. She needs reassurance that you still love her. Little kisses and sweet endearments are the order of the day.

If you always give her good after-care she will soon come to you on her knees with the whip in her hand and beg for it.

(in reply to toservez)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/1/2006 12:53:37 PM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
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Ok..so this works for you...wonderful

It may not work for everyone. But thanks for sharing~

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/2/2006 5:09:03 PM

darkbigdaddy

Posts: 14
Joined: 11/15/2006
Status: offline

Here is a recommendation, start out slowly and simple. Pain, humiliation and that level of play doesn't have to be hoe you start. Think of it this way, you probably didn't learn how to fuck like a man until you had a certain level of experience, confidence and maturity, right -- this is no different. You'll be working her over soon enough so don't rush it, take your time, learn it slowly. Start with spanking, tying her up and MAYBE "forced bj and sex". Forced mean you grab her and "handle her" (put her in positions or controling her movements). Maybe making her give you a hand job or bj in a semi-public place.

This is going to sound kind of funny to but watch Black guy on white girl porn. If you want to learn how to "treat a bitch", learn from the Masters.

(in reply to kollin)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/2/2006 8:52:45 PM

witwwat

Posts: 8
Joined: 11/30/2006
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You have a false view of what dominance is. Violence has it's place in some relationships, but never when one or the other is uncomfortable with it and only to the extent that it is "fulfilling" to both.

Think of dominance as how you respond to a pet. (NO, I don't mean your wife is a dog!)

With a pet, you expect complete and unquestioned obedience. You are the trainer. You set the standards and demand that the standards are met. Your pet loves you and is eager to learn new skills and show it's mastery of old ones.

Sound like the type of relationship you and your wife are looking for?

Tell her you love her and start training her.

(in reply to toservez)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/2/2006 9:38:52 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I'd actually recommend throwing out all the books along with the PC.

Be yourself, do what you like, and don't do what you don't like. Ideas will come to you, and you'll develop your own style. No one else's preferences mean jackshit.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

First off, throw your PC out the window, online research is for the most part worthless, these forums have SOME good advice but since you don't know enough to tell yet...

Buy the following books
The Topping Book
The Bottoming Book
Screw the Roses
The Loving Dominant

If you actually read them you will know more than 80% of the people who post here.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/3/2006 12:54:07 AM

Petruchio

Posts: 1615
Joined: 2/6/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.

Asking for advice is the best step you could have taken.

Most of the rudeness, coldness, and grimness you see is from less experienced younger doms. As you grow with experience, you will realize there is no need to posture or pretend. A word, a glance will suffice to a mastered woman. She will wish to serve you and that is the goal.

I too was raised to be chivalrous and respect women by my father and from I learned from my mother how she chose to submit.

The key is this: With the right woman, you are not showing disrespect nor giving pain, but ultimately you are giving her pleasure.

(in reply to kollin)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/3/2006 10:03:33 AM

Slavetrainer2007

Posts: 231
Joined: 12/2/2006
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Hmmm, Unlike a Vanilla( normal) relationship, dom/sub or BDSM dont really have a ruleset you have to live by. It is a much more open lifestyle where alot more things are socially accepted in the community. W/we ( well most of us) dont judge others or their interest. This is a place to be free and the only thing ive really seen that was never accepted was pedophiles. people who are bi or gay can be bi or gay freely without feeling ashamed people into pain or giving pain dont have to pretend its bad because the vanillia world says so. same with all the fetishes.

To be a dom- people misuse and mistake this term alot. A dom is someone who is dominentant( sp?) This means you have most of the control or must have most of the control in relationship. Dom is something that comes natural IMO., unless of course you are roleplaying. You can look at your daily life with your wife and usually tell who is the dominate one. This is the person that makes most of the big decisions deals with finances etc. Now their is a varation some men arent dominate as far as the relationship but they are sexually. She runs things outside the bedroom you run things regarding sex. Alot of men are like this. They let the woman deal with the money and the everyday issues and relationship in general but in the bedroom they take control.

Subs are along the same lines. some are submissive in life and some only sexually. both Dom and subs range some people are extreme dom or sub and some only slightly( they only give some control)

To be in dom/sub relationship , their is only 1 requirement. one of you has to be dom and the other has to be sub.Everything else is up to you and yours. The degree in which you involve yourselves in the lifestyle , be it full time or just during sex or in between somewhere is solely up to you. What you do, prefer or how you treat each other is completely up to you. yes it can get as extreme as her being your "pet" on a leash whom you torture and humilate, but it can be as simple as you dictating how a sexual encounter is going to go and what is going to happen in that encounter, even if its seems pretty normal. Their is no wrong way. Its an open lifestyle that lets you explore what you want to with the support of a like minded community.

The best way to explore BDSM and dom/sub with her imo is look into the things that interest you and her and ignore ( or at least dont feel the need to do) what everyone else does. Dom/sub is like a reeses their is no wrong way. Concentrate on what interest you and do that.

(in reply to Petruchio)

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RE: Possibly a stupid question but.... - 12/3/2006 2:41:32 PM

desoutter

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/21/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kollin

I am a beginner and my wife and I are wanting to explore the lifestyle with me doing dom. I am not sure how to be dom. I was raised to respect women and not to hit them and this is difficult for me, but I want to make her happy. With the "research" we have done online, all I can find is rudeness and degredation towards the sub. I cant do that. Is there anyway to be dom while being respectful? I really just dont know how to act, when to punish or how to punish or when to let things slide. Any advice would be helpful.

This is a good one...
I like the question because I too was raised to be "respectful" and had some issues early on... here is what I came up with...

My relationships with past subs were always one on one... It never has to be degrading, rude or anything else... its entirely what you make of it...
Your relationship is what it is... because you are exploring this lifestyle does not mean you need to buy some whips and get to it! I am still respectful of a sub I am with... regardless of what might be out there to read...

Its all in how YOU both decide to play... I personally dont believe in punishment... I let everything slide... and I am a kick ass Dom...
I am more into scenes and such... when the game is on... its on like donkey kong... toys and chains and hangin from the ceiling and laughing and joking around.... force and anything else a sub and I can think of.... but if she doesnt put the towels away I dont go bat shit and grab a whip and start calling her names.... I suppose I could but it just doesnt feel right....

Short story long - its all in how you look at it... you and she may find that just holding her arm behind her back is enough - you dont have to hang her from the ceiling...

enjoy - explore
desoutter

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Post #: 28