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a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 12:40:57 AM

Lordandmaster

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How can a married submissive say she is looking for a dom but does not want a poly relationship?

(You find this in profiles all the time.)

Lady, you're MARRIED. That's poly by definition.

Lam

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 12:57:21 AM

willing2serve

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quote:

How can a married submissive say she is looking for a dom but does not want a poly relationship?

I am pleading ignorance here on poly relationships; however by definition you are correct..."have more than one mate at the same time", but my assumption would be poly would be more of a related relationship than carrying on two different unparallelled relationships.

One question that I have had is, when a third is invited occasionally into a relationship, does that make a relationship poly?

I do appreciate the forums so much, it's a place I come to learn and I look forward to learning more about poly relationships and watching this thread.

I will add an additional footnote, At this time a poly relationship is not what I desire, but I am a firm believer in NEVER say NEVER.

Respectfully,
Willing2serve

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 1:02:37 AM

Jasmyn

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Why get hung up on the definition when the implications of what they are saying are easily enough to understand?

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 4:46:14 AM

Suleiman

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Check the threads on sex and BDSM. The two are not automatically interconnected. Also check the threads on what constitues a poly relationship. Some people have differing ideas on what constitutes polygamy, polyandry, multifidelity, multiamory, "cheating", and "swinging".

Proud, as ever I bow to your superior ability to handle the search function. Would you care to offer some helpful directions?

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 7:16:58 AM

Manawyddan

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If I saw that, I would assume either (a) she wants a d/s relationship with sex as a hard limit, or (b) she wants an affair.

I suppose another option is (c) she is simply complaining!

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 8:48:00 AM

proudsub

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quote:

How can a married submissive say she is looking for a dom but does not want a poly relationship?

I see it as: she doesn't want a dom who is in a poly relaionshiop; her marriage is a separate entity.

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 11:07:59 AM

thnkiwntaspank

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The definition of Polyamorous is "many loves", Polygamy is "many spouses". The difference between the two ultimately comes down to the act of marriage (which is technically illegal in the US anyway, making the Polygamous marriages nothing more than Polyamorous relationships).

The whole "poly" question is about the commitment of the parties involved. So, to answer willing2serve....inviting a third party in on occasion does not make the relationship poly, as there is no commitment to the third involved.

It is an interesting concept though that the married sub is seeking a dom who will have this relationship only with her, while she will still be going home to her husband. So, in the technical sense, this married sub does have polyamorous relatioships in HER life, but she finds them unacceptable in those she is having the relationships with. She, it would appear, is searching for something where the Dom is devoted solely to her, and her devotion to her Dom or her husband is based on who she is with at the time.

Myself, I do not care for or want any type of Poly relationship. But I guess if one is going to have them, having all the love and devotion directed at you without you having to share them with someone else is a great way to do it!

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 1:21:18 PM

MrThorns

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Is the reference to married submissives in regards to those that have made their spouse aware of their particular need to have a BDSM relationship outside of their marriage? If so, I agree that they are poly, in that they have multiple intimate relationships, but that doesn't mean that they want to share ttheir dominant with someone else...so when they are looking for a dominant, they state they don't want a poly relationship. Makes sense to me.

The thing I don't understand is how those that are married, have not discussed playing with others outside of the marriage, yet play anyway, can honestly expect a committment from someone else.

My 2 cents anyway..

~Thorns

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/30/2005 3:47:40 PM

FangsNfeet

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Having a dom in your life dosen't mean that he or she is being sexual with you. So you're married. Perhaps the Dom just want to train you, having sessions with you, or just watch the two of you and direct what goes on.

So go ahead and find you're dom. It's not like you'll be cheating on your spouse.

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/31/2005 12:46:46 AM

Lordandmaster

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Thanks to everyone for their replies.

What I meant is this.

Either her husband knows or he doesn't know.

If he knows, then she would definitely be putting herself in a poly relationship if she takes on a dom.

If her husband does not know, then she would be expecting the new dom of hers to be completely faithful to her, but she would still be keeping her husband. And of course you have to assume that the relationship she imagines with her new dom is a discreet one--otherwise there would be no reason why her husband couldn't know what's going on in the first place. Doesn't this seem to be asking a lot? How can someone who is married demand that an outside sex-partner be faithful to her? For that matter, what kind of dom is going to give up any other relationship in his life in order to be available for her sexually when she happens to be free?

All in all, someone in that kind of situation might do best to look for a professional.

Lam

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/31/2005 1:57:10 AM

darkinshadows

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MrThorns

The thing I don't understand is how those that are married, have not discussed playing with others outside of the marriage, yet play anyway, can honestly expect a committment from someone else.

My 2 cents anyway..

~Thorns

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster

If her husband does not know, then she would be expecting the new dom of hers to be completely faithful to her, but she would still be keeping her husband. And of course you have to assume that the relationship she imagines with her new dom is a discreet one--otherwise there would be no reason why her husband couldn't know what's going on in the first place. Doesn't this seem to be asking a lot? How can someone who is married demand that an outside sex-partner be faithful to her? For that matter, what kind of dom is going to give up any other relationship in his life in order to be available for her sexually when she happens to be free?

Lam

What about the Dominants who ask a married woman to be their submissive, knowing full well the details and asking the submissive to keep it quiet? Whos choice it is to not have another relationship, and be monogamous with her, from His side? Do You see that as a weakness on the part of the Dominant? Or someone trying to nurture a person, who wouldnt be able to be 'themself' otherwise?

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/31/2005 6:49:52 AM

stormiKnightBEAR

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Angel,
can you please contact stormi off board?
Thanks

stormi
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[email protected]

or thru the email here at collarme stormiKnightBear

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 1/31/2005 10:53:42 AM

proudsub

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quote:

How can someone who is married demand that an outside sex-partner be faithful to her? For that matter, what kind of dom is going to give up any other relationship in his life in order to be available for her sexually when she happens to be free?

My first r/l dom did this. I never demanded that he be faithful to me, but he wanted it that way. It lasted 6 months. I never considered myself "poly", i guess it's a matter of definitions.

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/2/2005 9:21:27 AM

Verijaa

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Is she looking for a real life relationship with the Dom she seeks, or cyber?

Is she looking for a sexual relationship with this Dom? BDSM doesn't always include sex, you know.

Is she demanding he not be married, or just saying she does not want to play with others while with him?

Seems to me the biggest issue here is just communication.

< Message edited by Verijaa -- 2/2/2005 9:28:07 AM >

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/2/2005 10:22:55 AM

fullokinks

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Interesting perspective, Spanky, it brings up one of the things that I don't understand. If someone is truly submissive, why the heck are they making demands in the first place? Shouldn't the sub be accomodating in almost every respect? I'm not saying that a person should allow herself/himself to be abused, but true submission is giving all you've got, not getting all you want. Enlighten me!

Paul

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/2/2005 10:27:26 AM

Voltare

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I'll chime in with the 'sounds like she wants an affair.' Affair doesn't neccessarily mean sex, though commonly it does. I suppose if a woman had a desperate urge to be a house slave i.e. clean while wearing a french maid uniform, then it wouldn't necessarily violate her vows (also her own business.) I think it would be more common amongst male submissives, where fetishes appear (to me) to be very specific, tailored to a certain type of kink or desire. If I believe what I see in the boards (as I don't often interact with male subs in my real life) I would guess that male slaves and female Dominants have less sex then most married vanilla couples.

Just my two bits.

Stephan

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/2/2005 11:06:33 AM

Moleculor

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I suppose it's possible for someone to be married, and yet seperated. Then it might not count as poly. *shrug*

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/2/2005 11:09:00 AM

knkywch

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Paul, I don't think having a submissive streak or gravitating toward sexual submission necessarily precludes one from making demands or even setting boundaries. I am wary of comments that include "shoulds" and "true" submission:

quote:

ORIGINAL: fullokinks

Shouldn't the sub be accomodating in almost every respect? I'm not saying that a person should allow herself/himself to be abused, but true submission is giving all you've got, not getting all you want.

I think within the boundaries negotiated prior to engaging in the exchange of power, yes one would thing the person in the submissive role would want to be as accomodating as possible so as to provide mutual pleasure. And "true" submission is so very VERY subjective. It's different for each individual and in each interaction. Just as there are many ways for humans to connect to spiritual higher power(s) through different ritualistic and religious practices, there are also many ways to be truly submissive (or truly dominant for that matter). There is no objectively one "true" way. Rather, there are the ways that work for you and the one(s) with whom you engage in WIIWD.

My two pennies.

Peace,
kw

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/3/2005 4:56:28 AM

Leonidas

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In all probability, she's saying that she's a serial monogamist. The enlightened wisdom of our culture says that you must:

1. Work yourself up into being unhappy in the relationship that you are in. You can usually do this by not communicating your needs to your partner, and then blaming them for not meeting those needs.

2. Soundly fuck up said relationship, and end it on suitably nasty and antagonistic terms. You can usually do this by attempting the clandestine fulfillment of the uncommunicated needs mentioned in #1 above.

3. Go on to attempt happiness in a new relationship.

4. Repeat as necessary.

The woman in question is currently on #2. She's saying that she doesn't want to be poly, because she isn't poly. She wants her co-conspirator in #2 to be her #3. Of course, she doesn't see the fatal flaw in her plan, namely that if he'll do #2 with her, he'll do it with someone else behind her back, because he either thinks #2 is wrong, and he's lacking the moral fiber that would make him think better of it, or #2 is not wrong by his standards.

She's not poly. People who are poly have broken the cycle above. They recognize that human beings are not gibbon apes. Gibbon apes mate for life, and will chase all other gibbons out of their territory once mated. We don't do that. We don't generally mate for life, and we are, even after mated, open to intimate relations with others of our species. Being poly, in it's true form, is bringing your ethics in line with your natural drives and desires. The ethics of the woman in question (namely that she believes that monogamy is the right and good state of affairs) isn't in alignment with her drives and desires (namely that she's willing to engage more than one other human to satisfy all of her needs). When you have that kind of mis-alignment, you have a good recipe for pain (and not in a good way).

< Message edited by Leonidas -- 2/3/2005 4:58:05 AM >

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RE: a little something I don't understand - 2/3/2005 5:13:29 AM

lovingmaster45

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Absolutely correct. I repeated the cycle until I came to terms with my own sexuality. Once I got the ugly divorce, I made a promise to be honest with myself and my partners. Hey folks...HONESTY WORKS. But it does begin at home. You would be surprised at how many people can't handle the truth...Jack Nicholson's character was right.

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