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Does One Just Give Up - 10/28/2006 10:30:15 PM

truesub4u

Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

In off topics... I have a thread I started a few weeks back about chemo starting...

The docs decided it best to forego the chemo and do surgery. Upon getting ready...and more testing.. they've discovered a few things and tested for them. Long story short... i'm sick...and will be for awhile.

Now my question here is.... when dealing with a sick sub/slave...single or already owned...
When does one begin to realize it's time to give up.... or continue to hold on to the hope that one can be able to continue once everything is said and done?

Over the past few months..... i've been feeling more like it's time to grip reality and realize my life as a submissive is over. I know inward i'll always be submissive... but my submissive actions are as good as no more. Due to my illness... I know I can't be 100 % anymore... so it's time to step back... though my heart doesn't want to... my body needs too...and will do so.

For the most part..... I don't have to deal with the hurt of asking for release... or being released due to not being able to fullfill my submissive duties. But if others have had to go thru this...or are going through this... I would like to know how to handle it. Steps I should be taken to cone to grips with it... deal with it... understand it...and live with it. I know I'll live with it... it's just my head is swimming so much lately...and meds have my head not being able to think to clearly....so I guess seeing how others handle it will help me out some....

Thank you in advance for any help you might be able to give me on being able to understand my screwed up thinking on this matter...

Jessica

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

Post #: 1

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/28/2006 10:48:09 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

For me my submission is not simply about what I can do, it is about the connection I have with Master. We are in this for life, good or bad, I would be there to support him even if he was not able to perform as a Dominant, the same applies in reverse.

I am not aware of your relationship with who you feel you must ask for release from however before you ask I would suggest you talk your thoughts over with him and see what he is thinking.

I would be scared if I were in your shoes however the more support and supportive people you have in your corner the better.

All the best

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 2

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/28/2006 10:53:52 PM

MMshappysub

Posts: 120
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline

i think you have pretty much answered your own question. Plus it will also depend on how your Master wants to deal with this. Is he ready to say hay i can not deal with this? or does he say i will be with you no matter what happens?

(in reply to Owned1)

Post #: 3

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/28/2006 11:41:26 PM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

I think in cases such as this the Ds factor of the relationship should cease. If all there is in the relationship is just Ds then its not really a relationship of feelings more of play.

I would talk to your dom and say something like this,

We need to cease the Ds side of things for awhile. I am going to need all my strength for my upcoming operation.

If your dom really cares for you he will be more then happy to cease that part of the life and be there for you in the emotionally sense. Doing things for you and being caring.

If he say's no then I think its best to just lose him. You don't need someone forcing you to do things, you need someone there to do the things for you.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 4

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:16:37 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I would ask how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, if he was sick would you take time away from being of service to him, or would you at least want the choice to be around even if he felt he may not be able to be the dominant that he was when he was well?

I think first and foremost we are human beings. I would not leave my mate because he was ill, if anything I would stick to him like glue. Life is short, and we do not get opportunities to help ease the way for people we care for very often, and that is the way I see things like this, an opportunity to demonstrate what we are made of. I would give that choice to him, including your thoughts on your service and not being able to be the kind of submissive you normally are because of this.

Submissiveness is more than actions, as is dominance. I would give him the chance to decide for himself what he needed and wanted to do. But that is just me

Good luck to you Jessica, we are all rooting for you.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 5

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:24:28 AM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I just hope you get well, truesub. I can't answer your questions because I don't know nearly enough about what you're going through to be able to say anything useful. I just know that a master who is worth his salt has learned that what is on the inside is more valuable than what is on the outside. What is on the outside always melts away; what is on the inside is never forgotten.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 6

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:24:35 AM

SlaveAkasha

Posts: 726
Joined: 9/30/2006
From: Indiana
Status: offline

Being submissive is a part of who you are, but it doesn't define you. No, maybe you can't physically do the things you did before, but your heart is still the same and if you are with someone, I am sure they still feel the same about you.

I wouldn't leave Master if he were sick either, he would still be the same person that he is now, and my submission to him would not change. The physical is nice, but it's the connection we have with them that is most important, and that doesn't have to change.

Please take care, and wish you the best.

Kasha

_____________________________

Look, if you want to torture me, spank me, lick me, do it. But if this poetry shit continues just shoot me now please.
~ Tank Girl

www.peta.org
www.goveg.com

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 7

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:33:31 AM

popeye1250

Posts: 18104
Joined: 1/27/2006
From: New Hampshire
Status: offline

I agree with Julia.
But first, you need to concentrate on getting through this and getting better.

(in reply to SlaveAkasha)

Post #: 8

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:43:25 AM

LadySeraphina

Posts: 931
Joined: 3/28/2006
From: Calgary, Canada
Status: offline

jessica,

Part of being Dominant, in my mind, is nurturing my subs, and being there for them, even (or especially) when they are in a bad place, and don't want to play, or can't. Surely if you have a loving Master or Mistress, he or she will want to be there and care for you during this time. They should want to be your pillar of strength in bad times as much as in good. If your relationship is all about being able to spank you or tie you up, then obviously that's another story.

JMO

Lady S

_____________________________

"Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the woman to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with." -Unknown

www.LadySeraphina.ca

www.SeraphinasToybox.com.

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 9

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:47:08 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Hey there true,

I was faced with a similar pondering recently when two masses were discovered in one of my breasts and had to be biopsied. What if they were malignant? What if I were really sick? Then what?

But it's not up to me. It's up to my Master. And he gave NO indication whatsoever that my status as his slave would change. It may have been that I could not do certain things for him anymore, but never once did I feel he would get rid of me because I was sick. Nor would I ask for release. It is not up to me to decide what he wants to do with me. So it's in his hands, always.

Turns out, I do have a tumor and it is benign. Also turns out, the biopsy left me with a really really bad infection and I can not currently do for him what I typically do. If anything, he is contacting me even more, checking on me, and making sure my thoughts are positive.

I am terribly sorry for your situation true. I believe you can not stop being who and what you are, no matter what your circumstances are. Those you were submitting to before, are hopefully supporting you and standing by you. I do not believe asking for release is a big noble thing to do, although I understand it. When we feel we can not give them everything we normally do, we feel we are cheating them of ourselves. But really true, those who care about us care about our hearts. And our submission comes from our hearts. So put those thoughts out of your head, and let your inner light keep shining through.

Meanwhile, be strong enough to know when you need help, and ask others for it. Keep your thoughts positive and filter people out of your circle who can not be positive with you. Visualize yourself getting healthy. And of course, eat your apples

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 10

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:47:12 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Best wishes in getting better soon. Sounds like you are preparing for a long hard fight to get your health back as far as it can come back. I have health problems that could stand in the way of my being the best physical sub available. I don't think my Dom would turn His back and walk away if my health got into more trouble and i had to stop the physical side any more than I would leave Him for those same reasons.

Recently my husband died. He was vanilla and had allowed me to return to the life of BDSM even when he was not interested in being part of it. He knew i was seeing a Dom and encouraged me to decide and commit rather than continue to be a free sub. Another story sorry. But the final part of this is that when my husband died i was unable to continue for several weeks in any type of play. Even now if is limited and I feel bad because of it but that is how it is. My Dom has a choice He can stay with the hope that things will improve or He can go knowing there are other subs that have less baggage than i do. So far He has chosen to stay and be supportive. Infact He has been the most supportive person in my life. Talk to the Dom/Master in question and respect Him enough to allow Him to make the decision for himself.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to popeye1250)

Post #: 11

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 1:44:37 AM

emdoub

Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline

Lass....

Submission is not about how skilled or talented you are in performing particular acts.

Submission is not about how physically capable you are, or how much you can accomplish.

Submission is about how you feel about what you can do. How much of your heart you put into your submission.

I used to be a waiter - a pretty fair one. I was, once upon a time, a sex worker - and passably competent there, too.

I could, if I wished, enter a room full of dominants, serve them their food, their drinks, and their sexual pleasure, as commanded. I could to it pretty well - better than 80% of the submissives I know RL. Doing so would show off my skills - but it wouldn't make me a submissive - because I just don't feel submissive, and my desire to submit is somewhere in the neighborhood of zero, nada, and not so much.

There's a guy in my community who learned about drinking and driving as a teen the hard way - these days, he's got an inseam of about 3". He is one of the most relentlessly alive people I know. I have never even dreamed of him asking for anything special to acknowledge his physical condition. The TIES Munch is downstairs where we meet - and he makes it under his own power. His particular fetish is foot worship - and the femdoms flock to him, because he does such a fine job, and his enjoyment is almost palpable.

Crippled? Some would say so - but he's the most alive, joyful man I know. He's a sub, and serves his best - and his best is pretty damn good. I'd hate the fucker, if I didn't admire him so much.

There's a zillion things he simply can't do. He'll never dance again - which, for me, would leave me ... well, it'd leave me less admirable than he is. But he has a lust for the service he *can* do - and he makes that lust plain. He's probably the most admired malesub in the area, and it's not his skills, it's not what he does - it's his attitude about doing it.

You have some challenges facing you. It's up to you to face them in the fashion that suits you. Luckily, you're the one who gets to decide which fashion suits you.

Does being physically challenged make you unsuitable to be a submissive, or less able to please?

After seeing Carpetman (his chosen handle), I can't tell you no.

I've gotta say Hell No.

Good luck with whatever decision you make, and whatever road you travel.

Midnight Writer

_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 12

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 7:35:46 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

If you were married and got sick, would you expect to leave your husband or have him leave you because you might not be able to clean the house, or have sex, or whatever you used to do before?

If he were the sick one, would you leave him because he could not 'dominate' or do the things he did before?

Hopefully your partner will value who you are as opposed to what you can do for him right now. Just don't make any hasty decisions when so much in your life is in flux right now....and you don't feel so good. Time will answer your questions.

my prayers are with you.

DG

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 13

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 7:39:18 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

but my submissive actions are as good as no more. Due to my illness... I know I can't be 100 % anymore... so it's time to step back... though my heart doesn't want to... my body needs too...and will do so.

Look at it this way....so you can't give 100%, can you still do your personal best giving whatever percent works for you at the present time? I think you can.

Most importantly, getting healthy should be your first priority - your priority to your health and well-being. Any Dom worth having a relationship with would understand *and* support you fully in this endeavor. Just as your friends and family would support and help you during this time.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 14

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 7:47:01 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

Jessica,

I understand completely. I've had to face my limitations as well. You will grieve.. you will want to batter the air with clenched fist.. but then you realize- it's life. It is what it is. There is a saying "when one door closes - another opens". Just have faith.

Please take a look at my link here and know "for every time there is a season".

(see signature for link)

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 15

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 8:03:47 AM

susie

Posts: 1699
Joined: 11/21/2004
Status: offline

Truesub4u

I am so sorry to hear of your health problems. I too have suffered from illness recently and about 4 months ago was also diagnosed with skin cancer and required an operation. At no point did my Master ever suggest that things in our relationship should change. He was aware that I would not be able to take part in some of the physical activities that we take part in but that did not change the dynamic in the relationship. He took care of me and needed to nurse me through some things but he always maintained the Dom role all the way through.

If you ever feel that you need someone to chat to please feel free to email me.

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 16

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 10:03:08 AM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

If you were married and got sick, would you expect to leave your husband or have him leave you because you might not be able to clean the house, or have sex, or whatever you used to do before?

If he were the sick one, would you leave him because he could not 'dominate' or do the things he did before?

Hopefully your partner will value who you are as opposed to what you can do for him right now. Just don't make any hasty decisions when so much in your life is in flux right now....and you don't feel so good. Time will answer your questions.

my prayers are with you.

DG

Hello A/all,

Not everybody gets to feel what it is like to have the one you trust and believe in dump you when the going gets tough. When I was in my early 30s, I had a life threatening illness and almost died, and was partially crippled for several years.

I have 2 children and 2 friends who stood by me while the rest of my family, my spouse, even my doctors, etc., offered very little in the way of encouragement. Well, perhaps they did, their encouragement was to roll over and accept the fact that I would never really recover to be the person I was before.

But I have a deep rooted stubborn streak, and I said "fuck you" to the lot of the naysayers. I took responsibilility for my own recovery, and in the words of the doctor who finally released me (she picked me up 18 months after my illness) "You have done an amazing job in recovering."

To bring this post back on topic, I personally have 0 (zilch, nada) respect for a person that would turn their backs on another in that person's time of need. I would feel insulted if the person I was with asked me to go away and leave them alone when they needed me the most.

To me, there is more to a D/s dynamic than playtime and orgasms and having a clean house. This is just me, and I could be wrong.

My thoughts are with you and keep your chin up.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 10:31:53 AM

shadevarr

Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

She is mine and as such there are times when she can please me through her actions and there are other times when I will take care of her. My slave has a brain tumor for years before we met and it is something that she fights with, including the need to run away from everyone that cares about her if it goes malign. I have reinforced the simple fact that I will be there for her irregardless of what happens, it is her that I want and need not the actions she performs for me.

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 18

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 10:36:19 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: truesub4u
Now my question here is.... when dealing with a sick sub/slave...single or already owned...
When does one begin to realize it's time to give up.... or continue to hold on to the hope that one can be able to continue once everything is said and done?

Over the past few months..... i've been feeling more like it's time to grip reality and realize my life as a submissive is over. I know inward i'll always be submissive... but my submissive actions are as good as no more. Due to my illness... I know I can't be 100 % anymore... so it's time to step back... though my heart doesn't want to... my body needs too...and will do so.

Jessica,

I am sorry to hear about your illness and I wish you the best.

In answer to your post, this is the reason that my Lord stresses to me and alandra the importance of not linking our value of self with what we can do. What he values most in us are not the things that we do for him. What he values are our character strengths and virtues.

There will come a day when alandra and I are too old (or may even become sick) to continue doing what we do today. If we think that we are only valuable because of what we can do then what happens to our value when we can no longer do those things? If you are valuable because of who you are then age or illness cannot take that away from you.

Good luck to you.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to truesub4u)

Post #: 19

RE: Does One Just Give Up - 10/29/2006 12:36:02 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

Well said kyraofMists.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 20

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