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Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 12:13:41 PM

gardenbluebird

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Just a few days after i was collared Master and i had our first relationship crisis. The details aren't important to this posting (and i prefer that they stay private), there was no blame or fault it was just an unfortunate life circumstance that caused trouble in paradise. We were both hurt and sad, and i think it speaks well of of our relationship that we worked through the problem together instead of letting it tear us up.

Now we need to heal. Things just aren't the same between us and i don't have those wonderful submissive feelings. i'm not quite sure how to approach this. Is it better to behave submissively with the expectation that the feelings will follow, or is it better to just work on the relationship/friendship/closeness and slip into submissiveness when the spirit moves me? Master is never one to demand my submission, so the pace and choices are mine.

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 12:19:19 PM

spanklette

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The correct answer is...there is no correct answer. You can only do what makes you feel comfortable. If it is a situations of broken trust on you or your Master's part, I'm not sure "acting" submissive is the cure. If it is just a stressful situation from outside influences infringing on you relationship, my question would be why is it having such an impact? Regardless of the source of the conflict, in order to grow together you need to heal together. Communicate. Move forward with your submission only when it feels right for both of you.

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 12:38:33 PM

juliaoceania

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It sounds to me like a relationship worth doing the work to save, if you find a relationship where blaming isn't a part of it that relationship is worth having.

Some people will say fake it until you make it, and personally I believe in acting submissive even when I do not feel it, but one can both act submissively and be honest not feeling submissive, and honesty is important. I would also say that because we love someone does not always mean we feel loving toward them, just because we are a submissive to someone does not mean we always feel submissive toward them... It can take time to process our emotions, and perhaps that is what you are experiencing?

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 12:48:24 PM

ownedgirlie

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My relationship has had some pretty jagged roads in it, so I understand where you are coming from. I can only offer that when I felt detached like that, I was very open with him about it. I still submitted, as I am expected to, but I shared my feelings about all of it, and asked for his help to draw me back. Since he prefers me feeling close and submissive to him, he provided the help I needed.

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 1:09:20 PM

Fitznicely

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Talk.

Communication is all.

The one person who's in the best place to help you is your Master, and he can't help you if he doesn't know how you're feeling.

Set time aside to go through everything as equals. It'll open the raw wounds, but with luck and perseverance, they can then start to heal cleaner.

In all the years before I took my girl as slave, we had many inccidents tht shook our relationship. Each and every one of them included one of us saying "Why didn't you tell me?"

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 1:10:14 PM

slavejali

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Just thinking about the dominant/submissive dynamic within relationships....

We can have "ideals" about what that is, especially within new relationships, over time, given the right circumstances, those ideals can turn into realisms, the ideals get grounded in a way, some of our ideals can just get plain thrown out the window as they were unrealistic for the relationship we have entered, other dynamics can be introduced that we had never even thought about let alone idealised about. That all takes a process of time, and in that time there are gonna be easy times and more difficult times....its all a part of establishing a long term relationship.

I think relationship is about union and the prerequisite for union is "acceptance" of the other. When we are talking about a Dominant/submissive union we are talking acceptance of roles. As events occur within your relationship there are gonna be times when you don't feel submissive...I think for myself.....in those times its Masters role as the dominant to remind me...his reminder allowing me to feel accepted again...and the dominant/submissive relationship can continue. Even when I don't feel submissive, I act it out......but all the time secretly inwardly wanting Master to take control again..so I act it out and wait.......I really don't think I can do more than that..I think submission has to be "taken".....its the nature of it.

So take a deep breath, do what you can...and wait for your Master to take you again.

Addition: I just thought of something else. Sometimes even just my desire for him to take me again and my desire for him to make me feel that center of submission again within me is enough for me to get back in touch with it...and he didn't need to do a thing...all it took was the "recognition" of my desire...

< Message edited by slavejali -- 10/29/2006 1:22:28 PM >

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 1:48:55 PM

toservez

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Communication an effort are always needed at every step and time in a relationship. This sounds like something for both of you to talk about and just have patience with.

Since you were just collared I wonder if a big part of it is just a natural course of a let down in the emotional part of the relationship that the spat might have just covered up. I am sure there are a few relationships that the blissful submissive feeling might be always there but most of the time the level flucuates on a daily basis. I do though think that acting submissive will not help the relationship because the odds are he will know and that could hurt him.

Since it sounded, to me, that he is waiting on you maybe asking him for some discipline might help your submissive feelings.

Lin

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 4:00:33 PM

gardenbluebird

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Thank you all for the thoughtful advice. Fortunately, the problem was not a disagreement between us and the timing was conincidental. We both have challenging life circumstances that we didn't necessarily talk to each other about. We have limited time together so we both wanted to keep that time fun and wonderful. While the intent was good it left us vulnerable to being blindsided by a problem - which is exactly what happened.

We have had a peer-to-peer talk and laid our cards on the table. We cuddled and cried together, confirmed our feelings, and agreed to work on communication. In the end i think we will be stronger for this.

i am a little sad that our post-collaring honeymoon was cut so short. i wish that we could go back to how it was before, but i'm not feeling that way quite yet. i suppose that one can never go back, only forward. i hope that the future, although different now, will ultimately be better.

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RE: Healing a relationship - 10/29/2006 4:07:02 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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quote:

ORIGINAL: gardenbluebird

Thank you all for the thoughtful advice. Fortunately, the problem was not a disagreement between us and the timing was conincidental. We both have challenging life circumstances that we didn't necessarily talk to each other about. We have limited time together so we both wanted to keep that time fun and wonderful. While the intent was good it left us vulnerable to being blindsided by a problem - which is exactly what happened.

We have had a peer-to-peer talk and laid our cards on the table. We cuddled and cried together, confirmed our feelings, and agreed to work on communication. In the end i think we will be stronger for this.

i am a little sad that our post-collaring honeymoon was cut so short. i wish that we could go back to how it was before, but i'm not feeling that way quite yet. i suppose that one can never go back, only forward. i hope that the future, although different now, will ultimately be better.

You took the words from my mouth..It will be different..But it may also be more realistic ,stronger, and now well tested. Coming throught this may just show you how good a relationship you have...for it was tested by reality...Tempting

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