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Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 5:52:27 PM

kahlaan04

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

My slave/husband was born submissive. Example, playing cowboys and indians with the girl next door and would always be the indian being captured. He would bind himself with-in sheets when he slept, just little things show him being submissive when he was younger. However, I was shown this lifestyle by him, and happened to love being dominant. Now, my slave gets upset every now and then because I don't feel the same way about the lifestyle as he does. To him, he feels the need of being submissive, and I don't feel as I need it. I enjoy and love being dominant. Tell me how you see this.

Mistress D

Post #: 1

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 5:59:09 PM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline

i used to roll myself up tightly in my blankets when i was growing up, when we played things like "Lost In Space" or army, i used to be the prisoner that needed rescued. it was good, clean fun. (explaination on the "Lost In Space" thing...i used to pretend i was being held down by an invisible restraining field and could not move)

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:01:17 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I can't really answer your question, because I don't fully understand. Where's the problem? You said twice that you enjoy being dominant. What exactly makes him upset?

About wrapping yourself tightly in sheets: I used to do that as a small child too, and I certainly didn't develop into a submissive. So I wouldn't set too much store by that.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

My slave/husband was born submissive. Example, playing cowboys and indians with the girl next door and would always be the indian being captured. He would bind himself with-in sheets when he slept, just little things show him being submissive when he was younger. However, I was shown this lifestyle by him, and happened to love being dominant. Now, my slave gets upset every now and then because I don't feel the same way about the lifestyle as he does. To him, he feels the need of being submissive, and I don't feel as I need it. I enjoy and love being dominant. Tell me how you see this.

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:02:10 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Some subs and slaves as well as Dominants feel it is a need. Some just see it as entertainment. I feel it is who I am. Maybe he feels you do not understand his need to be submissive?

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:02:45 PM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I'm not clear on what you are asking either.

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:05:30 PM

kahlaan04

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Sorry I'll try to explain better. He gets upset because I don't see it and do it for the same reasons as him. It is important to him to be submissive, I could live with out being dominant. Also, I started to be dominant to him because he wanted it. He has a problem with me doing it for him, and not because I have a "need" to do it. I hope that is a better explaination.

Mistress D

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:05:37 PM

michaelGA2

Posts: 1533
Joined: 4/26/2006
Status: offline

let me see if i have this right...Your husband has a strong need/desire to be dominated almost constantly, yet You aren't seeing it as a 24/7 thing and may need the break a vanilla life offers? am i close?

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:10:36 PM

kahlaan04

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

NO, not at all. We are looking for a 24/7 lifestyle. I am not sure of it myself, which isn't good when I am the one asking the question. He is the one who gets upset and I am trying to understand what the problem is myself. I was hopeing maybe someone here would understand. I guess he feels like I don't feel as into to it as he, because I have differant reasons for doing it than he does.

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:15:58 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I'll be honest: this doesn't sound good. From what I'm hearing, he is frustrated because he needs a domme who will take d/s as seriously as he does, and for you, d/s is more of a role or enjoyable kink. Getting upset or blaming you for that isn't very productive, and he probably doesn't know how to channel his frustration. But the main problem is that if he deeply needs someone who regards d/s as part of her life, not someone who could live with or without it, then he's going to be unfulfilled with you. And he's probably struggling with that right now, not wanting to admit it to himself. If you love each other, and I presume you do, that's going to make this situation even stickier.

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:20:05 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

Now, my slave gets upset every now and then because I don't feel the same way about the lifestyle as he does. To him, he feels the need of being submissive, and I don't feel as I need it. I enjoy and love being dominant. Tell me how you see this.

Mistress D

It's him, not you. He's the one who's not getting it. Your motivations are not his concern. His obedience to you is his concern.

He is a submissive, you're the dominant and this is something you have both agreed to, so tell him to shape up, keep up his end of the bargain and not worry about your motivations.

Good luck to you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:20:28 PM

LILYandprissy

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/8/2006
Status: offline

My husband/slave feels the same as your husband. Let me ask you- if you were vanilla, and your husband had a need of some kind, wouldn't you be happy to fill that need? If you are happy being Dominant, then go for it and be happy!

I think the more we try to analyze our lifestyles the more we get tangled up in trying to explain something that "just is". If you are both happy- then continue on your path together. When one of you is feeling unfulfilled, talk about it and then keep moving forward!

I'd be happy to dialogue with you privately if you will email me.

(in reply to michaelGA2)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:24:22 PM

kahlaan04

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Any ideas on how to help the issue. And can you expain to me why it would bother him so much that I don't do it for the same reasons. When I love being a Mistress. Please don't take me wrong, I could go on with my life if I didn't have a slave, but if for some reason we decided we weren't to be a couple that way, I'd still would enjoy having a slave rather it was him or not. I just don't understand, please help me to.

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:30:48 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

Because he can tell that you could live without it.

I think you have a few choices.

1. Tell him to shut the fuck up and start being grateful for what you do give him.
2. Tell him to find some other domme who suits him.
3. Try to be what he wants.

I really don't recommend No. 3, because that involves pretending to be something you're not, and you'll get tired of it and just resent him in the end. None of the options, by the way, precludes you from taking another slave--since you mentioned that you'd enjoy it.

I get the feeling that you two were vanilla lovers first and then discovered BDSM. Is that right? If it is, it makes things more complicated, because you have a whole vanilla dynamic that congealed between you two, and you'll have to go back and undo much of that if you're really going to be owner and slave. Like--if he's used to bitching and expecting a motherly shoulder to cry on, you might have to put a stop to that. An owner and a slave certainly can love each other, but they cannot relate to one another as vanillas do.

quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

And can you expain to me why it would bother him so much that I don't do it for the same reasons.

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 6:50:41 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kahlaan04

And can you expain to me why it would bother him so much that I don't do it for the same reasons.

If your motivations are other than his, he doesn't get fed the food he wants. I so understand his thinking on this. If you have the same motivations he does, then the service he provides is something that 'you' want to do.. and not something that you do because 'he' wants you to do it. For a submissive, it can be really hard to embrace someone doing something 'for' us and it's really hard to realize that even if they do it for reasons other than what we would deem as optimal, the facts are, they are still the dominants and what we, as submissives need to learn, is that service is done as it is 'required' of us.. not as we would wish it to be.

He can learn that if you teach it to him.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:03:01 PM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

I fully understand what you are going through. Its simple. By his very nature, he is submissive and therefore feels so at home in the D/s dynamic. You are not a NATURAL Domme, just a dominant girl who gets off on it every now and then.

The first thing I thought of when I read your message was that you are married. You both fell deeply in love with each other for your own reasons. With True Love comes a bond and understanding that the other person fully accepts and supports you for who you are. I know that I'll probably get slated for this...BUT...what the hell. I think that it is your husband that needs to reign it in a bit. He introduced YOU to the lifestyle and now seems to ASSUME that because you enjoy it, you're prepared to be his Mistress/Domme for ever. He needs to know that you love him very much but you are in fact his 'loving wife' first and Domme second. Just tell him that you simply don't take D/s as seriously as him. He has to respect you for that surely?

_____________________________

"A taboo is a strong social prohibition relating to any area of human activity or social custom declared as sacred and forbidden; breaking of the taboo is usually considered objectionable or abhorrent by society"......Woohoo!!!

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:06:35 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

The first time i was ever with a woman, i knew she was doing it more for her boyfriend than for herself. It was just hard to enjoy it under the circumstances because i became overly concerned that she wasn't truly enjoying herself. Perhaps that's where he is coming from...he wants to know you are doing this because you want to and not because he wants you too?

(in reply to BitaTruble)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:08:24 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I liked option 1 of Lordandmasters. "Tell him to shut the fuck up and be grateful"..that would work for me lol (I say this feeling like you both care for each other and have a stable relationship..if it wasnt stable, wouldnt recommend this option).

It seems like he might be trying to dominate you by telling you what your motivations should be and needs to be put in his place.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to PiercedDaz)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:14:02 PM

kahlaan04

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

I can see that darksdesire. I started it for him, but no longer do it for him. And no he doesn't try to dominate me into doing it. I have tried to explain to him that if i didn't enjoy and get hot from him being my slave, I wouldn't do it. While I am a people pleaser I admit, I do not act as someone or something I am not.

Thank you all for the help to understand 8*)

Mistress D

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:19:55 PM

onlythewindknows

Posts: 259
Joined: 10/22/2006
Status: offline

Hey kahlaan04 that is a great question! i understood where you were going from the first post...

i can relate to your husband - i, too, have had such moments of questioning partners.

it can sometimes be hard for subs to realize that Dominant partners may not have had exactly the same type of "revelation" or "discovery" in their roles - Dominants often seem to just be very commanding people who have found being in charge sexually to be one of many leadership roles that they enjoy, while submissives often feel they have gone though difficult journeys trying to fight being that way ("eek am i a doormat?")

i can imagine this may be even more challenging for male submissives.

what drives it is a desire for some kind of simpatico - "i know how you feel because i have felt that way too!" - but i finally realized that this is something of a childish wish. The differences actually create more strength.

He is lucky to have you!

< Message edited by onlythewindknows -- 10/29/2006 7:22:05 PM >

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you see a problem. . . - 10/29/2006 7:20:09 PM

PiercedDaz

Posts: 121
Joined: 10/16/2006
Status: offline

Hey, I've just had a top idea where you can subliminally tell him you're not that into it anymore....

Change your screen name from Mistress D to...wait for it...Mrs D!!! Genius eh? lol

It kind of changes the power structure a tad doesn't it!

_____________________________

"A taboo is a strong social prohibition relating to any area of human activity or social custom declared as sacred and forbidden; breaking of the taboo is usually considered objectionable or abhorrent by society"......Woohoo!!!

(in reply to kahlaan04)

Post #: 20

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