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damia -> Service-Providing Top? (10/31/2006 11:26:47 AM)
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My apologies; background story is long. If one prefers, skip ahead to the bottom, there are a few questions there, that you don't -have- to read the background story to understand what they are asking.
i was introduced to someone, i'll call him WM. It was under my impression by what i was told about him that he is a switch, and was looking to dominate me for a scene, and then if that went well, perhaps get together other times. Well, the first scene was not perfect, but no one was expecting that. i put off his repeated questioning of what i wanted next and if this was all right and such as just not knowing me because we had just met. Overall, it wasn't bad. The second time was better, as WM had the Dom friend who had introduced us step in to 'assist,' though he ended up doing a lot more than WM. Now the third scene really shook me. i was told i'd be tied up to experiment with a new toy, some claws. i agreed to this, and was told nothing more. Then WM proceeded to use a flogger and crop on me. This startled me, as i had told him before that i hate surprises, because i have to prepare myself mentally, so he should at least tell me general ideas of what he might have planned (For example, he might say "There's a possibility of flogging, caning, and paddling", and then just do one or do all three). He did not do this, and it really threw me off-balance. i warned him with 'yellow' and he backed off for a moment, but then came back right where he stopped. i would have called 'red' because it really was starting to reck havec for me, but i think he caught on a little and finally asked me if that was enough. i managed to nod, and he helped me down. WM considered it not as intense a scene as the last because last time i came out with huge bruises, and this time there were none noticeable right away (though i haven't told him yet about the bruises caused by his cuffs that are too big for my wrists). But this scene affected me way harder than the other, mainly because i had time to prepare for what was coming (paddle, light cropping, heavy bondage), and this time i was not told anything beyond the claws and bondage, which turned out to be only a very brief beginning.
i'm going to add a quote from one of his e-mails about the scene: "I have concerns however about the scene with you, [the Dom friend of his], and I. In actuality, I don't really like to beat-up sweet little girls and make them cry so I don't feel right about the fact that, after we stopped, you seemed on the verge of tears."
i didn't understand why he choose to do first one scene, then another that including 'beating up sweet little girls', until he told me that he doesn't really consider himself dominant, but more like a 'Service Providing Top'...this seemed a serious communication problem to me.
So, here's my questions. First, what exactly is a 'Service Providing Top' and how can someone miscommunicate that they want to be dominant with a person, and then later say they don't want to dominate because they'd rather be a 'service providing top'? Second, how do i get this guy to understand that i don't want to 'top from the bottom' as he has suggested i can do with him. It irritates me when i see people who do 'top from the bottom,' and even more when i do it myself (which i used to do sometimes, and have corrected that problem). i've told him this, and i've told him that i also have no wish to dominate. i am not a Domme; i cannot take control. i have a wish to submit, because that's who i am, a submissive. And this is exactly what i have told him.
i think he's a good guy, but he doesn't have the ability to dominate, and i feel a bit trapped by the situation. How can i get out of this situation, with no obligation to play with this guy again, without hurting his feelings or ruining my reputation?
damia the Kat
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