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songbird26 -> Get a little lower, baby... (1/31/2005 6:40:32 PM)
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Question time again!
In my bdsm experience, I've discovered that I have two distinct 'spaces' that I go to in play. Only twice in the entire time I've been active have I reached that incredible "pleasepleaseanythingmorepleaseletmeserveyouANYTHINGplease" place (god I love that place. crave it, really). Most of the time I feel pretty 'normal', though relaxed or turned on or anxious or interested in the situation. But the other 'space,' unfortunately also common for me, is an entirely different thing. I get mad, basically; six kinds of pissed off and ready to rumble. It's almost a macho competetive space, and generally manifests internally as "you think you're big and bad and tough? You've never even *imagined* tough like this. Bring it, fucker, let's go." Which, although interesting enough from a sociological and psychological standpoint, isn't exactly constructive in a setting where you're trying to reach submission and obedience! *grin*
What I've also figured out is that it's all about the beginning of the scene, for me. Either I go down or I don't, and after the first few crucial minutes have passed, no matter how hard I fight, I can't seem to change the course of my own emotional place for the scene. Given that, and that I know what has worked so far to get me to the 'good' place, when, if ever, would it be appropriate to sort of raise my hand and let the dominant know that it's just not working for me (just to be clear: were I ever truly uncomfortable or deeply angry or frightened at the situation I would not hesitate to safeword or slowword out)? IS there a way to bring this up in pre-scene negotiation that doesn't sound pushy or bottom-toppy? I've rarely had a dominant who asked what worked for me in that capacity: usually the negotiation is more about planning the action, not setting the emotional tone, and they just go full speed ahead with whatever they've done in the past to open a scene. Which means that the burden of broaching the topic would be on me. I'm going on the assumption that most real dominants would *like* to know how to help their submissive reach headspace that allows them to really absorb and adore and enjoy the scene, as opposed to just enduring it (I know that's not true for all dominants, but hey, I probably won't be playing with those ones anyway). Not to mention they'd be into having information that would allow me to truly transfer power to them, to submit for real instead of just play-acting. Should this be saved for post-scene debriefing, even if a scene that doesn't go right might derail a promising relationship?
I've already asked my dear Protagonist_lily this question and received an excellent answer, but I find myself very curious, since I know that every dominant is different and that many probably have interesting thoughts on the subject. Would it affect your own scene enjoyment or top space to be interrupted near the beginning to change directions a bit? Would it irritate you? Doms aren't mind readers, and I don't blame them for mis-cueing sometimes, but how might it be possible for me to affect something so important? Especially without coming across as a complete snot who deserves a smack (and not the good kind...)
(and now I'm wondering if subs faking headspace is a epidemic phenomenon like women faking orgasms. Hmmm. Something to ponder...)
ETA: This post really only has relevance in the context of a new partner or dominant for a scene. And believe me, I'm not expecting every scene to be this magical pefect place where domination and submission meet in exquisite harmony while leatherclad angels play their spiked harps and...you get the picture. However. Seems like this kind of info exchange would be beneficial to both dom and sub, in the long run!
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