BDSM and the past.... (Full Version)

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match2u -> BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 9:28:42 AM)




hello to all and hug,

i would really like to know your opinion about

whenever i read about BDSM and the theme of abuse, there is always the point coming up that BDSM is nothing for people

- low self-esteem
- involved in traumatic situations created by the past
- abused relation before
- insecure etc.. etc...

guess you got my point. you will find a lot of reasons listed in many BDSM sites on the web.

but - honestly when i am looking around - mostly people deal with the situations and the feelings of the past.

finally the past let us become too what we are.

how you deal with that? the past involved in your relation??

and does it mean we all should practice a therapy before getting involved in BDSM?

thanks a lot for answer


petra








stormiKnightBEAR -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 9:50:01 AM)

petra,

There probably are more reasons than stars (in the sky) why
people not only seek the mental but the physical release of
the BDSM lifestyle.

For some the play helps deal with emotional baggage.
(*Example: UF a boy/girl felt he/she had not been good enough
to ever measure up to what his/her friends and family thought
he/she was, his/her esteem was so low only he/she could see it. BUT
when he/she played..........all he/she heard was how good he/she was.
It came to be that he/she was very good at taking the physical
as long as he/she could steer away from the mental. This in he/her
mind made him/her finally good enough. It is something that he/she
still falls back to today. It's the desire that burns deep when things
are spiraling out of control in every other direction.)

For this girl, the physical side was infact a way of repenting for
being a failure. Admittedly, stormi is a perfectionist, which means
for her if there is one thing wrong, it's not minor, it makes it all
a failure. In reading stormi's own words above...... maybe that says
it all.

How does one grow up in a loving - giving home and have all the support
in the world, and grow up feeling a failure/not good enough.

Anyway... that is merely what this girl knows from discussions similar to this
in the past.


stormi



mistoferin -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 11:16:02 AM)

Very interesting question Petra. For myself I can say that I was not drawn to this lifestyle for any of the reasons mentioned. I had not been in any previous relationships, nor was I insecure or lacking self esteem. I met my first Dom at the age of 15 and He was the first man I had ever been with. I wasn't seeking out BDSM although it fit like a glove. Honestly, at that point in time I didn't know what a Dom was...or a sub....or BDSM....I just thought that what we were doing must be what everyone was doing, not to mention that submissive is what I believe I was always meant to be. It was just natural to me.

I can say this though, throughout the course of my life I have acquired baggage like everyone else. Each and every day I have a new "past". I believe that my involvement in the lifestyle in many ways has helped me to overcome some things that may have given me more trouble had I not been involved. This lifestyle has taught me just exactly how strong I am and that there is nothing that can not be overcome or worked around. I think that my growth in my submission has given me the tools I needed to deal with life.



Goodmix -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 11:24:36 AM)

i think bad things happen to everyone. No one gets out of life alive. i think W/we might talk about it more.
i also think that there are many, many people (especially in the vannila world) who want you to think their life is pefect. It's not. i also think those (the people who pretend they have a perfect life) are the most screwed up people out there.



ARoseAndAnEye -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 11:53:15 AM)

There are those of us who did not know that bdsm even existed -- or that there was a safe way to practice/play with our errant fantasies. I grew up in a strict upper middle class, Catholic family in mid-west suburbia. My parents never laid a hand on me. And yet.... there was this *need*....

It led me to not 1 but 2 "unhealthy" marriages.... marriages to somewhat dangerous men. It was not the "abusive" relationship that formed the bdsm desire. It was the bdsm desire that led me, blindly, to abusive relationships. It was ONLY in finally and completely understanding this that I was able to find my true self.

~anna



AuraGoddess -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 1:07:41 PM)

i have become more adn more interested in the bdsm lifestyle, if thats what it is called. i am still unsure of things. how can i get started? any suggestions on cheap sites? household things?



proudsub -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 4:30:00 PM)

quote:

There are those of us who did not know that bdsm even existed -- or that there was a safe way to practice/play with our errant fantasies.


Yep that is me too. I came into this because i was very bored with our vanilla sex and needed some excitement, and when an an online dom taught me about BDSM i realized that is what i needed. I really don't think low self esteem or past insecurities had anything to do with it, and i have never been abused.[:D]



onceburned -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 6:38:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AuraGoddess
how can i get started? any suggestions on cheap sites? household things?


There may be better sites, but a classic is the WizDomme Newbie Pack

You might also enjoy The Frugal Domme



sweetnygirl -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 7:15:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

For myself I can say that I was not drawn to this lifestyle for any of the reasons mentioned.
I can say this though, throughout the course of my life I have acquired baggage like everyone else.

I agree with mistoferin on this, for me I realized as I got older the type man I was drawn to & that I needed. One who was strong enough to control me but also one who appreciated all the facets of me without trying to break my spirit. I try to learn from what I've done in the past,whether it was beneficial for me or not, but also I don't dwell on what went before, I can't change it so I just let it go.



proudsub -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 8:12:16 PM)

quote:

household things?


household objects



RiotGirl -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/1/2005 11:22:07 PM)

Access Denied



knkywch -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/2/2005 11:26:35 AM)

Wonderful topic. Thanks.

I agree with others who point out that reasons for gravitating toward erotic power exchange of one kind or another are wide and varied. Yes, many come from a wounded place and seek to reinact that wound because there is some level of adrenaline rush or comfort zone or just plain satisfaction associated with the interactions. Others come from a wounded place and seek passage through the wound into healing and empowerment. Many come to this stuff through much more innocent and playful portals -- like lovers who want to experiement or stumbling across some BDSM-oriented literature, or finding arousal associated with old movies that include bondage or spanking or D/s interactions. Some are just curious about the whole thing -- similar to being curious about a cuisine they've never tasted -- and find out it's imaginative and exciting. Another group may understand that power exchange is a spiritually fulfilling form of sexuality for them. And these are just a few routes off the top of my head.

I know many kinky folks who have a very solid solid sense of self, honor, groundedness and humility. I also know of some who are hell-bent on self destruction and caught in a dangerous spiral of self-hate and self-abuse. There are also a cadre of misogynists and misanthropists who aren't into erotic power exchange so much as blind self-gratification at the expense of someone else. As they say, it takes all types.

I think there is nothing wrong with examining one's motives, one's past, and one's hoped-for outcomes with regard to WIIWD. While I would hope that we're all in this for mutual gratification, for wickedly joyous fun, the reality is that indeed some aren't coming from a healthy place when it comes to BDSM.

Thanks for an opportunity to add my pennies to the mix,

kw



Voltare -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/2/2005 4:07:48 PM)

I think this has been touched on a few times in the past (proudsub would probably be better able to list the other threads) but it's an interesting topic.

The general public perception of BDSM lifestylers being a bit 'off' isn't without merit. Lots of people find their way into alternative lifestyles precisely because their lives up to that point had been unusual, and often painful. The logic of, for example, a rape victim wishing to experience fantasy rape with a loving partner is clear to me (though obviously this isn't the first, only, or even best solution.)

I think the attitude you describe isn't so much an issue that you shouldn't be involved in BDSM if you had a difficult past, but rather if you are using BDSM activities as a mask or fix to avoid dealing with the underlying problems, then you have a serious potential to hurt yourself and others. A typical example might be a sadist (for example) who was beaten with a belt as a child, and instead of emotionally coping with the issues, s/he uses a belt as an adult on a masochist. While this is perfectly acceptable behavior in the S&M world (amist the myrid of limits and negotiations involved) if the underlying reason isn't one day coped with in a healthy fashion, it might very well end up resulting in the masochist getting a lot more then just an over enthusiastic session. Another stereotypical example could be a female submissive who was sexually abused by her father as a child, thus in her adult life consistantly seeks out relationships where she is 'taken advantage' of by those either with more power then her, or relationships where she is powerless. Without understanding this need, it can easily end up in romantic relationships based not on the 'normal' romantic elements, i.e. trust, love, affection, but rather an addiction to the highs and lows of unstable and unhealthy relationships.

It's worth mentioning that the issue isn't relagated strictly to BDSM relationships, but rather all types of relationships. This doesn't mean people who have had problems shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends or subs or slaves just because they had a hard life. It just means that the more someone takes the time to cope with their inner demons, and gets help when appropriate, it makes the chances of finding and keeping the good relationships greater.

Stephan



ICGsteve -> RE: BDSM and the past.... (2/2/2005 11:30:09 PM)

Thomas Moore through his body of his work, including "Dark Eros" talks about how there is a negative side to ourselves which he calls shadow, and that BDSM can be a way for the soul to work through trauma. The healing and religous communities insist upon the trauma being healed through the power of positive thinking and the glory of GOD, but in truith there is also the equally strong world of the shadow, where the healing transformation is powered by giving oneself up to another, by exploring the dark side. I absolutely believe that BDSM can be a fix for trauma. BDSm is the anti-therapy with the same or nearly same healing properties.

My wife was sexually abused as a child. She always hinted at her need for me to be dominant but for 15 years I resisted, waiting for either God or the abuse conselors to do their thing. No such luck. Over the last few years as we have explored her need to be sexually used, to be tamed, we are both happier as individuals and stronger in union.

I once was a firm believer in the notion of the "healthy individual" and the "Healthy marrage". Now I trust that both my wife and I know enough about ourselves and each other to know what we want and what we need. Now we care about social norms only to the extent that we desire to keep out of the legal system, the child protective services system, and keep our jobs.



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