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Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:29:31 PM   
CrazyC


Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		So i am wondering if i am coming across completely wrong. i believe i am submissive, i have had couple men in this lifestyle say "I thought you were the first day I met you." But when going to meet a Dom in person, i get this feeling that they see me in not that way. That my friendly side actually makes them think i am not submissive enough.

As many know, i am completely new at this so i wonder if i am doing something wrong. Then i wonder...maybe i'm not submissive. (Which can't be true, since i like the receiving side of the paddle.) Then that just leaves me in confussion.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:38:49 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I have long drooled over you, kid..............

I don't think you are crazy, I just think it would take some talking with you, and it is so
much   easier in life to say nice dress and on your knees.........


I think if you stay calm, you have a great propensity for making or having (however you want it) your love do the same.

Ron


_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:40:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Usually people will tell you that you are not submissive enough either to make you doubt yourself or to shame you into being controlled by what they think.

There's no "scale of submission" and only you know who you are and what works for you.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:43:47 PM   
substance78


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Victoria, Canada
Status: offline 		well for one
do not think that just because you enjoy the paddle that you are submissive

you may merely be a bottom
nothign wrong with that

but you will know if you are submissive
you will have that yearning to be at someones feet
to feel their control

if all you desire is the play, the punishment, id say you are more a bottom

that aside
there is nothign wrong with you
thats somethign you have tojust know

everyone different
dont let anyone make you think other wise
our uniqueness is what makes us special, and makes this life more interesting

i am submissive, but i am not submissive to all
either someone has the power over me or they do not
i make no appologies for that, and neither should you

you may just be waiting for "the one"
go with the flow and do as your heart or gut, or bottom =p tells you

< Message edited by substance78 -- 11/2/2006 9:44:57 PM >

_____________________________

Pain can be endured and defeated only if it is embraced.
Denied or feared it grows in perception if not in reality

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:51:58 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I would say that for awhile it is not that important to label yourself and just enjoy what it is that you are exploring, the labels will come later once you get to know where you fit. Some people identify so strongly with the submissive or dominant aspect they immediately label themselves that, others want to look both ways before they cross the street.

The most important thing is to honor the person that you inherently are, because in the long and the short of it I think that what it is that we do is about self acceptance and through that self acceptance we can accept others and they can accept us.

I would definitely not let anyone else label who you are based on superficial interactions, there is no one in the world who can know us like we know ourselves, and no one else can truly know us until we find out who we are as individuals....

It seems you are astute enough to realize that this is the case...

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Confusion.. - 11/2/2006 9:53:18 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		If a friendly, outgoing personality ws a basis for not being submissive enough, then I might have to check and see if Angel is a sub at all.  The day I met him, he was all smiles and bubbly.  He has an almost overwhelming personality when ie is comforatble with someone.  Doesnt change what he is.
Nor wil it change what you are, however, it does make it easier to find out who you will work well with.  Anyone who says that having an outgoing friendly personality makes you not sub enough is already cut.  If they are looking for a doormat you arent the girl for them.  Easy.
When you find the right one, there wont be a question about how you submit. It wil just work for you two.  Not every submissve has to be shy, retiring and silent unless spoken to. That might be appealing later in training, but in the initial stages not so much.

Hope this helps
DV


_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to substance78)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 1:19:04 AM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

So i am wondering if i am coming across completely wrong. i believe i am submissive, i have had couple men in this lifestyle say "I thought you were the first day I met you." But when going to meet a Dom in person, i get this feeling that they see me in not that way. That my friendly side actually makes them think i am not submissive enough.

As many know, i am completely new at this so i wonder if i am doing something wrong. Then i wonder...maybe i'm not submissive. (Which can't be true, since i like the receiving side of the paddle.) Then that just leaves me in confussion.

Much like everyone else has stated, your own submission can only be judged and guaged by one who you eventually connect with. Take your time and don't compromise, there is one out there who appreciates you and what you have to offer.

I am arrogant at times, sassy, opinionated, rude, and often I have a tendency to speak before I think, in all areas of my life; including my slavery. Master enjoys that in me though; for he and I, it is perfect. No two people are the same in how they view certain things; and that includes Dominants/Masters, submissives/slaves.

Find what and who works for you and you alone.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 4:37:44 AM   
CrazyC


Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks guys,
LA- If that is the case "using shame" to get me to obey, i would have a huge issue with that. This is only because of my own personal expereince of a men who used that to verbally abuse me while in a relationship. Once they tore me down to a hole, they weren't there to help me build myself back up. (These were vanilla relationships, but i am starting to realize...there is no diffrence between the two.) Deep down i believe that somewhere there must be a way to Dominate without using tackticks like that. Trust me, i do enough stupid stuff on my own to get disiplened.

ok decided...i'll step back and see where the winds take me without trying to catagorize anything. lol

And Ron...thank you! If i ever go visit my family up there, i'll remember to give you a jingle.

(in reply to Kalira)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 4:55:40 AM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

So i am wondering if i am coming across completely wrong. i believe i am submissive, i have had couple men in this lifestyle say "I thought you were the first day I met you." But when going to meet a Dom in person, i get this feeling that they see me in not that way. That my friendly side actually makes them think i am not submissive enough.

As many know, i am completely new at this so i wonder if i am doing something wrong. Then i wonder...maybe i'm not submissive. (Which can't be true, since i like the receiving side of the paddle.) Then that just leaves me in confussion.


Being submissive is something that only you can define.  When you think of someone who is submissive, what traits spring to mind?  (Service oriented, non-confrontational, people pleaser, ect?)  Do you find yourself fitting any of those descriptions? 

Looking back, I can see how I am submissive in many areas of my life including my job, my family relationships, ect.  But I never thought of it until I started exploring D/s in my romantic relationship. I had to be in this relationship to do it because of the level of intimacy and trust I need to feel comfortable being submissive. 

In public, I am much more the outgoing of the two of us.  I'll talk to just about anyone and he is more content to keep to himself.  I'm a bundle of energy and he's very laid back.  The D/s roles are much deeper than outward appearances.  It's about how we relate to each other; the very dynamic of our relationship. 

You're not doing anything "wrong," trust me.  It just takes time (and in my case, the right person) to start taking the more obvious steps into submission.  As the others have said...take your time, trust yourself and remember that there is someone out there for you. 

Best of luck.


_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 7:51:17 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I will echo what pretty much everyone has already said. Trust your own feelings and instincts. Another person, and certainly a stranger, cannot know you like you know yourself. People in this life are not any wiser and still fall into many of the superficial traps. Shy and passive equals weak and submissive. Outgoing and opinionated equals strong and dominant. From your brief description I wonder if it is because you are behaving naturally with your new interactions and not putting on an act that this is making you question. A sort of accpeted who you are but do not know you have done that yet.






_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to Caitriona)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 8:13:04 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC
...Then i wonder...maybe i'm not submissive. (Which can't be true, since i like the receiving side of the paddle.) Then that just leaves me in confussion...


this slave does not believe that liking the receiving side of the paddle is some sort of proof for a propensity towards submission, when it comes to inter-personal relationships, sexual or otherwise.
 
what does the statement "I am submissive" mean to YOU, when you say it, other than you like a good paddling? 

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 8:53:34 AM   
CrazyC


Posts: 949
Joined: 9/28/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

what does the statement "I am submissive" mean to YOU, when you say it, other than you like a good paddling? 


Good question...
In many diffrent parts of my life be it work, school, or my path, i take a very much leader role. Why? Because i am an active person, a teacher by nature, and get very close to people fast. They feel comfortable enough to share everything with me. lol i have had total strangers tell me all their problems in the grocery line.

But when dealing with my relationships, i do whatever it takes to make them happy. At some point, i have completely lost my sence of self worth in this process. Whatever they wanted, i would try my best to give them, and was happy when it was accomplish even when it went unnoticed. i have also watched that when i am in some type of crisis many men just naturally want to take care of things for me, protect me, or solve my problems. There are other traits that have been mentioned here that i know for a fact i do...like say sorry WAY too much. The list really can go on.

Asking you all this has really brought to light though what i would need in a relationship. i'll just have to wait, since it seems hard to find someone who isn't going to be intimidated by my vanilla roles. Not saying He doesn't exsist. Just it is going to take time.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 8:59:29 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I would not consider myself to be just any Doms cup of tea/sub.  LOL i have many behaviors some would want to extinquish quickly.  Many of those traits will not go away because i like them, and respect them within myself.  My wonderful Dom accepts me for who i am but expects me to please Him.  He tells me i please Him very much and that is such a relief.  I wonder tho if i were to hide or try to make the traits that make me unique go away if He would find me pleasing at all.  I personally don't think that the connection would be there if he did not want those things from me and if He wanted that inner core of who i am to change.  Take your time and listen to your heart.  If they don't think you are submissive enough then probably they aren't Dom enough to control you.  Just my thoughts and best wishes in finding your One.

diamond

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 9:09:06 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

Asking you all this has really brought to light though what i would need in a relationship. i'll just have to wait, since it seems hard to find someone who isn't going to be intimidated by my vanilla roles. Not saying He doesn't exsist. Just it is going to take time.



That is an excellent philosophy. It is a shame but there are dominants both experienced and think they are but are not types that have a very tough time dealing with the difference between being very submissive in a personal relationship and  that it is not carried threw every thing a submissve does in their life.

I have been stunned in my search by all the dominants, and many who seemed quite sane and realisitc who could not grasp or accept that my career was what it was. Too many always harped that they would prefer I quit or do something in my field that was miracously less alpha and less income. It is like I felt they needed their slave to be as helpless as much as possible in life.


_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 9:41:29 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		Be yourself. When someone appreciates you for who you are, look at them more closely. If they don't, they are not a match for you; move on.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Confusion.. - 11/3/2006 2:04:01 PM   
dommalemn


Posts: 23
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		There are many people that are very assertive in the vanilla world that are very submissive when they come home. For some it is a way to get away from having to be accountable for everything. They can relax and put someone else in that position. The Dom’s that have trouble with that are most likely insecure with their place and control in the world. They try to demand what should be given as a gift (a sub’s submission).  Life is a multi layers of submission, it doesn’t mater if you are considered a sub or a Dom. Dom’s go to work and submit to their boss, dose that make them a sub? Sub’s have roles in life that are more dominate, dose that make them a Dom?

You say when you meet Dom’s that you feel they judge you as not that submissive. Feeling are an interpretation by you.  Unless they come out and say it it is just a thought by you. Most true Dom’s will hold back and look at the whole picture not the first  time that you talk. A first impression will give you some important information but it isn’t the whole picture ether. People get nevus and will try to protect themselves, especially if they have been hurt in the past. An example would be to do something to sabotage the meeting so that they will not be in a place to hurt you like you were in the past. If you don’t give them the power they can’t hurt you?

From what I see it is not a submissive deal it is a matter of trust. When you talk to others you are feeling a level of safety but when you go to see a Dom for something that could be more than just friends you don’t want to show that you are weak and can be taken advantage of. I would think that after some time you would be able to show your submission to people that you have set up a trust relationship with.

Sorry for getting so long. That is just some thoughts from the little information that you have given.

dommalemn    


(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Confusion.. - 11/4/2006 6:19:43 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		I'm submissive to one. To all the others who weren't right for me, and attempted to force me to submit by saying I wasn't really submissive, my response was the same. "I am a submissive, but I'm not your submissive".

We aren't blow up dolls sitting on shelves gathering dust until someone buys us. We're people with needs and values and personalities all our own. Keep meeting people and stay just as you are, expressing your own true self. When you meet the right one, you'll know it.

(in reply to dommalemn)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Confusion.. - 11/4/2006 8:12:23 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		Just be you. That's all I am. I'm a submissive, but not submissive to all. It's about finding the right fit. Liking the receiving end of a paddle isn't necessarily submissive. I do like paddles, and floggers, singletails, canes.....lol...I'm a masochist as well as a submissive. Not all subs are masochists and not all masochists are subs. That said, you don't have to label yourself, just be who you are.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Confusion.. - 11/4/2006 10:34:56 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrazyC

Thanks guys,
LA- If that is the case "using shame" to get me to obey, i would have a huge issue with that. This is only because of my own personal expereince of a men who used that to verbally abuse me while in a relationship. Once they tore me down to a hole, they weren't there to help me build myself back up. (These were vanilla relationships, but i am starting to realize...there is no diffrence between the two.) Deep down i believe that somewhere there must be a way to Dominate without using tackticks like that. Trust me, i do enough stupid stuff on my own to get disiplened.

ok decided...i'll step back and see where the winds take me without trying to catagorize anything. lol

And Ron...thank you! If i ever go visit my family up there, i'll remember to give you a jingle.

I know that torn down feeling.  I lived there for awhile. 

In my case, my Master led me to finding my own submission.  He could see the potential in me, but through his teachings I learned where it was I also wanted to go.  The dom I was with before him often told me I wasn't submissive enough.  In retrospect, I can see it is just that he did not know what to do with my potential.  Some just want a "ready-made" sub, rather than to develop a submissive mind.  To each their own.  I can't see being outgoing and friendly as not submissive enough.  If it's any consolation, I am quite outgoing, and a leader in my job.  And yet my submission to my Master reflects a depth that I would never have understood prior to meeting him. 

Hang in there, keep asking questions, and keep your eyes open.  :)

(in reply to CrazyC)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Confusion.. - 11/11/2006 7:03:01 AM   
Manawyddan


Posts: 701
Joined: 1/2/2005
From: Petaluma (Northern California)
Status: offline 		Someone who comes through as friendly and chatty when we're together is hot to me. I can't think of anything more boring than meeting a woman for the first time and have her be blandly obedient.

_____________________________

_______________________________________________
"She always had a terrific sense of humor"
(Valerie Solonas, as described by her mother)
_______________________________________________

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 20
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