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Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 3:26:04 PM

Adelphus

Posts: 87
Joined: 2/3/2004
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I posted this in the polyamory section but I'm posting it here too as I'm not entirely sure this is a poly question;
Okay loves, I've inadvertently ended up with a dilemma.
I met a man at a party and we talked for a bit. An hour in, his Mistress comes in and they go off to play. She is drop dead gorgeous, so I ask him later, would it be okay if I asked her for a scene? He is more than happy to set us up, after all, his Mistress is straight, what could go wrong?
Fast forward 2 months.
I have become the alpha sub to his Mistress and for a very disconcerting reason; I'm female. It turns out that my Lady is a female supremacist and has automatically placed me above her long standing male sub, and I sense that this has been very hard on him. I already brought up my reservations about the female supremacist aspect of our relationship when it first came up, but did not realize how it was affecting her other sub until recently when we started going out together.
This situation bothers me for a number of reasons but I'm not sure how to proceed;
Technically the relationship between my Mistress and her other sub should not be my concern, right? Or is it? Do I have any place bringing up my concerns?

Post #: 1

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 3:36:57 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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is he also a female supremacist?

always best to talk things out then to let them stew...good luck with it...

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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 2

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 3:46:22 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
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Good question crouchingtigress. If he is a female supremacist, perhaps it doesn't bother him.

Adelphus, your concern seems to come from such a good hearted and caring motivation. Yes it concerns you, since it is impacting your sense of yourself in this relationship. Seems worthwhile to bring it out in the open.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 3

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 3:54:09 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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I am innately resistent to female supremacy as a life philosophy. It would trouble me if I entered into a relationship and because of my gender alone I was given preferential treatment. It would cut across the grain of my ethics.

It is her way of doing things, not likely to change, and perhaps a question to ask yourself is if it is something that runs against your moral/ethical/belief structure to the point that you cannot continue. I believe like mindedness, and similar beliefs are essential in my dynamic, but people have differing needs on how alike their dominant needs to be to themselves...

Good luck

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 4

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 4:01:18 PM

Level

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It is your concern, because evidently it bothers you, which makes it a matter of your morals.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 5

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 4:06:51 PM

mstrjx

Posts: 2045
Joined: 11/27/2005
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First, to respond to the other responders, he 'must' be aware of his Mistress' inclination (you would think), as he was there first. He might not have thought ahead to the possibility of other women (or more specifically, 'submissive' women) getting involved, but that would be his deal to worry about.

To the OP, you now seem to be involved in a poly relationship, as you have no doubt gathered. Or, are you in two distinct one-on-one relationships, both of you with her?

Although I'm no expert on poly, as I understand it for that sort of menage to work out, ALL parties need to be on the same page, and comfortable with the situation. Lacking that, someone is going to bend and eventually break. Apparently you already are feeling some strain.

It seems this strain is manifesting itself in two directions. You are found serving a woman whose beliefs you don't share. (On the surface, if this were a one-on-one relationship, what she believes wouldn't necessarily have to enter your headspace, but that's not the case here.) Then, you find yourself having 'butted into' someone else's relationship, and you might not feel comfortable getting in his way, especially since 'his way' is now BENEATH yours.

If it's too much for you, the gracious thing would be to bow out and leave them where they were. Just one opinion there.

Jeff

_____________________________

Know thyself. It's the best gift you can ever give yourself.

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 6

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 4:09:12 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
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Adelphus,

You owe it not only to yourself but to your Mistress to be honest with her in all things even this. To keep your concerns from her does everyone involved a great disservice in my opinion.

Is there a chance she may be put off or upset by your concern? Yes. However, in my opinion she will probably be more put of or upset by the idea that you could not be open and honest with her.

Remember, all relationships require open and honest communication without that what is there?

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 7

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 5:38:50 PM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus
This situation bothers me for a number of reasons but I'm not sure how to proceed;
Technically the relationship between my Mistress and her other sub should not be my concern, right? Or is it? Do I have any place bringing up my concerns?

It speaks well of you that you are concerned. You show conern for the family unit and the individuals involved.
i would first speak to her male slave to confirm there is a problem. Perhaps it is something that can be worked out between the two of you. The action of your concern towards him may be part of the solution, in and of itself.

Humbly,
Master's dorei

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 8

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 6:09:25 PM

thisishis

Posts: 278
Joined: 5/11/2006
From: Southeastern MA
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus
Should I say something?

i think you should. But, not to anyone on a forum.

Because no one here knows of the details of the relationship between you and your Lady as well as the two of you, no one here can offer you informed, tailored to suit, or accurate advice.

The only advice i will offer is that you should concider communicating your concerns to your Lady, again ... explaining your concern for the feelings of her other sub.

< Message edited by thisishis -- 11/5/2006 6:10:18 PM >

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(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 9

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 6:39:45 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I'll probably just repeat this on the poly forum-

The extent to which your partners relationships to other people can/should be entwined within your own relationship to her is one of the biggest balancing acts of poly relationships and it is a very individual basis. Even from year to year, this balance can change dramatically.

However, this issue seems to relate to how everyone relates to everyone else and EVERYONE's comfort level- so it seems as if EVERYONE sitting down and discussing things would be best.

I will remind you that she can't just make you alpha sub- you have to agree to be in it. It might be best to bow out while you can. A mistress who would go so fast just because of biological sex to the possible detriment of their existing relationships isn't necessarily a good choice.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to thisishis)

Post #: 10

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 6:42:18 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

I posted this in the polyamory section but I'm posting it here too as I'm not entirely sure this is a poly question;
Okay loves, I've inadvertently ended up with a dilemma.
I met a man at a party and we talked for a bit. An hour in, his Mistress comes in and they go off to play. She is drop dead gorgeous, so I ask him later, would it be okay if I asked her for a scene? He is more than happy to set us up, after all, his Mistress is straight, what could go wrong?
Fast forward 2 months.
I have become the alpha sub to his Mistress and for a very disconcerting reason; I'm female. It turns out that my Lady is a female supremacist and has automatically placed me above her long standing male sub, and I sense that this has been very hard on him. I already brought up my reservations about the female supremacist aspect of our relationship when it first came up, but did not realize how it was affecting her other sub until recently when we started going out together.
This situation bothers me for a number of reasons but I'm not sure how to proceed;
Technically the relationship between my Mistress and her other sub should not be my concern, right? Or is it? Do I have any place bringing up my concerns?

Option One: You say she is straight..you are lesbian. What do you hope to achieve for yourself? And are you there just FOR yourself above everything else?

Option Two: How would you feel if your were in the male sub's place? You are in a triad and that takes some compromising. It's NOT all about you anymore.

What goes around comes around. You could someday be in his place and looking at perhaps a new male's face.

An old saying is "If they do it with you..they can do it to you".

< Message edited by LotusSong -- 11/5/2006 6:45:37 PM >

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 11

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 6:50:54 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
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I think you're confusing two different things, and getting them straight in your head may help you decide what to do.

You're confusing (1) your concerns about your mistress's female supremacism; and (2) how your mistress's female supremacism is affecting this other man.

No. 2 is none of your concern. It's HIS relationship with her, not yours, and in fact it would be totally out of place for you to offer her your opinions about it. He'll stay if he wants to stay, and will leave if he wants to leave.

By focusing on No. 2, I think you're glossing over No. 1, which seems to be, deep down, a real source of concern for you. Ask yourself whether you want to be her sub even though you seem to be repelled by one of her most basic beliefs. If that's OK with you, then keep on marching.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Adelphus

I already brought up my reservations about the female supremacist aspect of our relationship when it first came up, but did not realize how it was affecting her other sub until recently when we started going out together.

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 12

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 7:23:42 PM

Adelphus

Posts: 87
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline

Well, I did in fact talk to her just now, and while the details of that conversation are rather complicated (sometimes things aren't exactly as they seem and thank goodness for that!), I think overall we will be okay. Thank you to all that posted, I wanted to see what the general opinion on a situation like this was before I did anything. Best to make as informed a decision as one can!:-)
Mods, you can delete this thread if you like.
Cheers!

(in reply to Lordandmaster)

Post #: 13

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 7:32:48 PM

LadyKmtl

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

Good on you for not just letting things go by and being passive! I hope your triad works out

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 14

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 7:43:32 PM

topcat

Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline

Dear Adelphus-

Submission, done right, isn't just passive- it's proactive. As it applies here that means you cannot be serveing her as well as you would if you let her know your issues- and not only her, but him.

Speak.

Stay warm,
Lawrence

_____________________________

-there is no remission without blood-

(in reply to Adelphus)

Post #: 15

RE: Should I say something? - 11/5/2006 9:39:07 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

It is your concern, because evidently it bothers you, which makes it a matter of your morals.

Hello A/all,

I completely agree with this. When I read the initial post I was puzzled by the use of the term "female supremacist" to describe it.

It sounds like you got into a situation with a D/s couple (Fm) and were brought into it as a poly relationship (Fmf) and ended up being promoted from beta to alpha sub by the female Dominant in the relationship.

Regardless of what label you choose to give it (is a Venti coffee simply Starbuck's term for a large coffee?), you have to live within the dynamic of the relationship. That, I would imagine, is your choice to make.

Not that you asked for my advice, but I would hope that the person I was in a dynamic with would express their concerns to me so they could be worked through and dealt with.

But that is just me, and I could be wrong.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 16

RE: Should I say something? - 11/6/2006 8:11:10 AM

Fawne

Posts: 462
Status: offline

Gosh..
I would think a mistress' ( or any such) slaves would be concerned for each other, if only to maintain harmony and please your Lady.
How could one not give a damn about a brother-by poly-default? I have never been there, so I really don't know, but caring and trusting your instincts and speaking with her proved correct.

Speaking calmly, clearly discussing things seem to be the right remedy for many ills. I've learned this the hard way, formerly drowned in my own confusion and fear.

It does take a lot of strength to be a submissive/slave.
Thank Goddess! ;)

I myself need instigate some respectful speaking one day...
fawne

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 17

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