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Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 5:10:16 PM

dandylilyankee

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

All of us, in all realms of life, struggle to find ourselves. We go through this development at different stages in life, sometimes we go through it more than once. For me, it is (at least for the first time) happening now. As I am sure it happens with many college aged students (I am 20 years old) I am currently trying to discover who I am and what I want.

I first found interest in the BDSM kink around the age of 16. Back then it was much more of a sexually driving interest. I figured it would be more of a phase. However, as time passes, (four years later) I am started to see it as much more than a phase. My nature, throughout life, has leaned towards the submissive side. Wanting to help/cater towards others, a reluctance to say 'no', etc... Today, I look at that and see the beginnings of a submissive being. Which, in all honesty, scares me a little.

We are taught from a young age to be strong willed, independent people. We live in a society where submission is condemned. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I do not see it possible to be strong and submissive. I think my problem is a fear to be true to myself at the expense of what others may think. I feel embarrassed at thinking I may be submissive. I feel though as if a large part of me is missing. I am not entirely happy with life and feel it is because I do not feel I am fulfilling what I was born to do.

I suppose I am rambling a bit. I am, of course, not looking for a be all, end all answer. Maybe I just wanted to vent a little. I would love to hear from others who have at one point felt the same. How did you travel this road? How did you find a way to stay true to yourself? To come to terms or overcome the embarrassment? Anything would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time in advance. Hope everyone has a good Monday night.

Post #: 1

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 5:37:23 PM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

I am 40 and I still don't know who I am or what I want. We are all evolving, every day, every minute. Helen Keller said that life is a daring adventure or nothing at all, so maybe we aren't meant to find our exact niches - it's more fun experimenting.

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 2

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 5:37:41 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

The best thing is to realize there is no conflict at all.

Being true to yourself is the hardest thing anyone can be.

Realize that your reluctance to say no and cater to others is more likely a perfectionist/people pleaser personality, NOT a submissive orientation. Realize that some of the best slaves are the ones who are great leaders and independent thinkers.

Realize it is your boxed ideas of what "submissive" is that are holding you back- not the reality of WHO YOU ARE.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 3

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 5:42:15 PM

dandylilyankee

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

Perhaps you are right. Most likely you are. I didn't really explain myself as well as I could. I am a people pleaser, but that is not to say I am not independent. I am educated and opinionated. It is just tough to come to terms with what I really want from life. Much confusion. Lol.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 6:11:52 PM

Powers67

Posts: 2
Joined: 1/19/2006
Status: offline

In reply to your original post, I used to be in much the same sort of headspace, albeit not as a submissive but as a Dom.

I would absolutely agree with LuckyAlbatross...I like to please people and it has nothing to do with my sexuality, I'm just a perfectionist. Coming to terms with your life isn't about fitting into some prearranged slot, like submissive, but taking those ideals and making them your own...

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 5

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 6:19:47 PM

SweetBobbie

Posts: 65
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline

Very true dandylilyankee. When i reflect on my life i can clearly see that i have always been a submisswive but could not openly accept this myself until very recently, much less express this to others. Now i find myslef exploring a brave new world while feeling free to be the person i truly am instead of maintaining a facade.

_____________________________

"No man can make you a slave. They can kill you but you must make yourself a slave." Lazarus Long aka Robert Heinlein

sweet bobbie

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 6

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 6:22:13 PM

dandylilyankee

Posts: 4
Joined: 11/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Very true dandylilyankee. When i reflect on my life i can clearly see that i have always been a submisswive but could not openly accept this myself until very recently, much less express this to others. Now i find myslef exploring a brave new world while feeling free to be the person i truly am instead of maintaining a facade.

May I ask how you were able to be comfortable with this "brave new world"?

(in reply to SweetBobbie)

Post #: 7

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 7:49:57 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Usually, when we are afraid of what others will think, we are projecting our own fear and discomfort about the issue onto them. So, what's really important here is for you to overcome the fear in yourself. It can be hard. But, in the end, you will not be happy until you are Real. By "Real", I mean "living as who you truly are, leading your life with integrity and love of who you are". Here's some nice inspiration:
-----
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit "...Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."-----
You might be able to find some other things here that will help you work through fear and come to a realization of who you are. Most of all, have compassion and love for yourself.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 8

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 8:08:01 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The best thing is to realize there is no conflict at all.

Being true to yourself is the hardest thing anyone can be.

Realize that your reluctance to say no and cater to others is more likely a perfectionist/people pleaser personality, NOT a submissive orientation. Realize that some of the best slaves are the ones who are great leaders and independent thinkers.

Realize it is your boxed ideas of what "submissive" is that are holding you back- not the reality of WHO YOU ARE.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Where does the shame come from? Do you feel less strong, less independent, less worthy ... as if you aren't living up to the ideal you have been brought up to stive for? Don't feel too bad about experiencing conflicting emotions. I am 40. I am the same basic person I was at 20, the biggest change is that I accept and like myself much more than I worry about what others think.

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 9

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/6/2006 9:32:37 PM

darksdesire

Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Coming to terms with my submissiveness and submissive sexual orientation has easily been the best thing. i fought my submissive nature for years - took assertiveness training classes even, and tried to "undo" my interest in sexual submission by attempting to "retrain" myself sexually. lol. That effort is so laughable now as to its utter futility. i felt so ashamed of the way i was.

The moment of self acceptance was a true epiphany. It was a sudden, bright flash of life changing insight; that who i am is as inherent as the color of my eyes, and if happiness was to be found, i'd better start being true to myself. i started doing research, talked with many others, and over time, got deeper into this life. i've never looked back.

It takes incredible courage to be who you are, to be true to your own nature, especially when that nature runs against the grain of what society says is acceptable. The alternative though is disconnection from the self, and consequently, disconnection from others. That is a truly lonely place

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 10

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 7:05:13 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I am a Dominant woman and yes that runs against the grain of what*society* teaches and desires. I've always been dominant, competitive and more aggressive than many of my female peers. So as a child I played with the boys and when I tried to play with the girls, a lot of the time I just couldn't connect. Hell I still can't, but I've come to accept this. Nature made me different for a good reason and I'm not the only woman like this, there are others out there.

It isn't always easy but I see that as a challenge that I will always strive to overcome because being submissive just is not an option for me. It is not how I am wired.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to darksdesire)

Post #: 11

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 8:01:32 AM

nikkicd10

Posts: 91
Joined: 8/23/2006
Status: offline

Wherever you go, there you are. Life is a journey, it is not where we end up, but how we live along the trip.

Such is life, me? I just turned 46 last week and everyday is a new beginning. Life is what you make of it. Not long ago, I tossed a successful career to work towards a dream. I'm broke, really, I had to close my chacking account, but I have never felt better about me. Now my dream was to work in comedy, as a Stand-up and things have never been easy, but there is a light that I see to follow. It is very freeing to let everything go and follow ones dreams, NOW everyone and I mean everyone told me I was nuts and should not do it ,I had no experience, no contacts just a dream, and no I'm not weathly, no you don't see me on TV, but I have had nothing but success at every step,

Be true to your self, all else will follow

I was walking down the beach one day thinking about my life and God, when I looked back there where no footprints, fucking tides, now I have no idea how to get to the beach house

< Message edited by nikkicd10 -- 11/7/2006 8:03:39 AM >

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 12

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 8:07:27 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

Usually, when we are afraid of what others will think, we are projecting our own fear and discomfort about the issue onto them. So, what's really important here is for you to overcome the fear in yourself. It can be hard. But, in the end, you will not be happy until you are Real. By "Real", I mean "living as who you truly are, leading your life with integrity and love of who you are". Here's some nice inspiration:
-----
Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit "...Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you..."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

"When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt...It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."-----
You might be able to find some other things here that will help you work through fear and come to a realization of who you are. Most of all, have compassion and love for yourself.

Master Fire

Awesome post MasterFireMaam.

LBO

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 13

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 8:25:54 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Life is a never ending lesson to teach ourselves who we are, what makes us happy and how to go about doing that. Society's culture is only a guideline at best for this and when it conflicts with what we feel then it just takes time for everyone to a varying degree to come to grips. Lucky ones get it right away. Really unlucky ones never get it.

For me personally the big hurdle that got me to come to terms with how I am, was realizing what made me truly happy was different then what people told me what should make me happy. I know it sounds corny but it was me just walking back from class one day and a light switch clicked on that I was just really truly unconditionally happy with being owned and all the other stuff was just getting in the way.

This thread kind of reminded me of an old Paula Poundstone joke that I will badly paraphrase here... "Do you know why adults always ask children what they want to be when they grow up? They are wanting ideas."

Knowing yourself and what makes you happy is the best gift you can give yourself.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

Post #: 14

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 8:37:50 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

coming to terms was pretty easy for me, I ain't that introspective.............

I yam what I yam.........Popeye

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 15

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 9:18:00 AM

jimbo747

Posts: 109
Joined: 10/6/2006
Status: offline

As far back as I recall Ive always wanted to be able to give myself up completely to a woman who expects it and even demands it, and serve her yet still retain my dignity and my basic equality as a human being. It's more in the emotional, relationship sense and less in the bedroom sense, if there's any difference between the two. I'm service orientated enjoying taking care of her, I'm also masochists into endorphin rushes and humiliation being put in my place where I feel most controlled at. My anxiety about who I am isnt inhibiting my ability to just accept myself anymore and if I had kept putting myself down for being submissive, and telling myself that what I want doesn’t exist anyway, over time I'll harden into a classic Mr Defensive and that’s not a person I want to be. My submission and desire to be owned is a fact I've come to terms a long time past.

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 16

RE: Coming To Terms With Who We Are - 11/7/2006 1:43:37 PM

SweetBobbie

Posts: 65
Joined: 10/21/2006
Status: offline

dandylilyankee-
i came to grips with my self by opening upabout my feelings to someone i trusted deeply. In my case this was my older brother who i had come to live with when my marrige went in the trash. When i discovered that he was willing to accept me as what i was, then i could fiinally accept myself. He has made me understand that there is nothing at all wrong or substandard about my submissiveness or anything else about me.

_____________________________

"No man can make you a slave. They can kill you but you must make yourself a slave." Lazarus Long aka Robert Heinlein

sweet bobbie

(in reply to dandylilyankee)

Post #: 17

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