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DeadofKnight -> A few tips for "first meetings" (2/4/2005 10:30:14 PM)
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A little bit about some things to keep in mind when you meet someone for the first few times in this lifestyle who claims to be dominant or submissive. This post was inspired by a thread that the OP deleted and was talking about how the Dom was not the way in person that he had been in chat and their phone conversations.
When men are boys growing up, especially those of us in our thirties, forties and older, we are taught from way young to be nice, to be polite, to be respectful of girls/women. It is ingrained within us to never hit females for any reason. For some of us it not easy to get beyond these even for the purpose of pleasure. Even is our teens and twenties meeting people at bars, clubs and other social functions, we are all on our best behavior, putting our most social faces on. Well, most anyway. LOL
Further, as humans, we are people first and BDSM’ers second. I don’t care who you are, Master or Dom, submissive or slave, or any other appropriate or non-appropriate label, this is generally true. When people first meet, whether in the lifestyle or not, we are on our “best behavior” and some of us are shy at first. We want to be liked for who we are, not what we do. And, we are all, women and men/boys and girls, taught to be dominant in life, not in our sexuality. This is another thing that is not easy for some to get beyond.
So, quite often men are gentlemen and not showing their dominance because it’s not “polite” to the ladies to do so. And, women are ladies, not showing their submissiveness because that is just wrong by our social standards and our upbringing.
Further, when we are chatting with someone in IM (Yahoo, Messenger, online chat rooms etc..) it allows us a place to be more of what we perceive ourselves to be. It can lead to allowing us to show more of our submissive and dominant tendencies. Some, especially those that are new to all of this, no matter how much we have read, have never experienced those other sides of ourselves.
The new submissive is very cautious to whom they show that part of themselves to just as much as the new dominant is. Even those with experience are cautious. There is always some uncertainty in the beginning of new relationships, especially when connected to BDSM and Gor. There are possible dangers on both side of this equation, if we do things to soon.
If a Dom/me is to dominant, to stern, to forceful or to aggressive, you may call the cops on them or your great-great-great uncle Lefty who uses a baseball bat to even the score. LOL Never happened to me, yet.
On the other side, if a submissive shows their submissiveness to soon they may be seen as “easy”, not conservative enough or just a slut to anyone who wants them. So, they must be very cautious to whom is shown that part of who they are, and when they feels it is appropriate to show it to the other party invloved.
I short, give people a break, give them the time to get comfortable in a social setting, let them have a chance to become at ease with who they are, or wish to be, and comfortable with you.
From my experiences, and I’ve been into this for over eight years, no amount of chat and phone can prepare you to be totally comfortable with someone new in a social or private setting. The “in-person” experience is NEVER what it’s like while chatting or your conversations on the phone. In person you have to deal with the individual directly, deal with the little nuances, interruptions and mistakes that are just part of life. Also, many do not know political correctness or anything about protocol connected to BDSM and the Gorean philosophies. They may need to be gently taught some of these in the beginning.
If your gut is telling you something isn’t right, it probably isn’t. Use you instincts and voice your opinions and your thoughts. They can deter a possibly dangerous situation. Communication is the key element in What It IS That We Do.
So, please, don’t judge people at face value on your first meeting.
Even I am a little shy about my dominance at first meetings. But, I warm up quickly. LOL
Give them a break, show that you are a human-being by being understanding of them.
Keep your expectations at a reasonable level to allow them a comfort zone.
Be truthful and don’t put on airs that are not what and who you are.
Be cautious, go slow, and, who knows, you might have some fun getting to know them.
After all, we are just people to start with, human-beings with desires, wants and needs. Isn’t that what you want, to find someone to fill all of those? Don’t you wish to know the individual first and the specific preferences second? IMHO, how else can you build a lasting relationship? I feel it is imperative to know I fit with someone outside the BDSM sphere, more-so than in, because that is what we have to fall back on when things need to be halted for the time being or when discussion is needed to be clear about where we are going in our playtime or our BDSM/Gorean relationship.
These are my views, my opinions and they may not be yours.
Have a Safe, Sane and Consensual journey.
And, have fun in the process of it.
DeadofKnight
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