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How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:34:58 PM   
empresschaos


Posts: 84
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline 		Ok, so maybe I'm just trying to top from the bottom here, but I've been trying to work things out with my dom, and, since it tends to be small things that make him upset--genuinely pissed, not so much with the domly guidance--I asked for a list. Things that must be done before he gets home, or wakes up, or whatever. I offered to take dictation and then get it laminated at Kinkos.

It's been three days, still no list--nor any dominant behavior whatsoever, and now I'm the one who's angry. Maybe I shouldn't be, but there ya have it. He says he isn't ignoring me for the sake of it, he's just had a string of bad days.

SO, my question for all you other Doms, Masters, and Daddies, is this: How do you handle your submissive when you've had a bad day at work? We're not talking slaves, who are obliged to accept whatever treatment their Master deems appropriate. Do you avoid talking with your submissive? Interacting? And how would you expect her (or him) to respond to your "bad day mood"?

< Message edited by empresschaos -- 11/9/2006 2:36:21 PM >
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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:38:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hmmmm the only thing that gets me here is your "nor any dominant behavior whatsoever"?

What do you mean by that?  While everything else in your email suggests that the dom has communication problems, THIS particular bit leads me to think you have unrealistic and perhaps unconscious and unwelcome pressure on him to act like YOU want him to act, which obviously only makes him more pissed.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to empresschaos)
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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:40:23 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		On the other hand:

People have bad days.  Bad days give us license to vent a bit, bit a bit less patient, get more alone time, more hot water in the shower, and the bigger piece of pie for dessert.

That's about it.  We don't get to ignore people, we don't get to lambast people, we don't get to not do what we said we'd do unless we ask the other person if they are ok first.

IMO this isn't a Ds thing, it's a people relationship thing.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:52:49 PM   
empresschaos


Posts: 84
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline 		By dominant behavior, I just mean taking some kind of a lead or initiative, or even saying something along the lines of "Daddy had a bad day, why don't you go do such-and-such," or whatever he thought was fitting. It just seems so...vacant to have your dom say "I had a bad day" and then ignore you for six or more hours.

I'm just wondering if other tops are prone to temporarily abandoning their roles when other stresses make 'em cranky. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:55:09 PM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline 		I think LA gave pretty good feedback on both posts offered.

It does appear that you are attempting to mold the interaction to your way... you made the suggestion of & list & further supported your method by offering to take dictation... this definitely screams forcing his hand.

I see by your profile that you identify as switch & you refer to this partner as your dom...& you also mention you are trying to work things out with him... this suggests that there are things going on that hint as being unsettled, at least to you.

Regardless of your switch status, if you look to him being the dominant of the relationship that the two of you share you will have to follow his lead, by his method & at his pace. If it doesn't'[t fit what you want, need or expect from one that you surrender yourself to, then no amount of you wanting to make it better will help unless you are prepared to completely change your wants, needs & expectations... this often just makes matters worse & is not a fix.


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MstrssPassion


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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 2:58:55 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: empresschaos
By dominant behavior, I just mean taking some kind of a lead or initiative, or even saying something along the lines of "Daddy had a bad day, why don't you go do such-and-such," or whatever he thought was fitting. It just seems so...vacant to have your dom say "I had a bad day" and then ignore you for six or more hours.

I'm just wondering if other tops are prone to temporarily abandoning their roles when other stresses make 'em cranky. 

I am still going to call it as you having unrealistic and unwelcome pressure for him to "act" a certain way.

Dom's don't "act" a certain way.  You can see an Ms couple and about 90% of the time they "act" just like any vanilla couple.  You're putting him into some 'dom' box and when his behavior doesn't fit in with what you put in that box, then somehow HE is the one not living up to snuff.

You need to destroy your box and decide whether you can accept HIM as the dom he IS, or not.

Separate from this, however, is his separation.  Is this an offline time together or is this cyber time?  That will make a difference in the specifics of my advice to you.  However, ignoring someone you are committed to for several hours without telling them beforehand "I've had a crappy day and need some time alone" is a crappy thing to do, and doing it for a few days in a row shows that he's probably got some serious issues he's not willing to talk with youa bout.

This might be because you have your BOX and will consider him even less a dom if he talks to you about them.

He doesn't need to become Mr Touchy Feely here, but he does need to have basic respect for the relationship and be open and honest.  You don't need to become Ms I Dont Have Standards, but you do need to stop imposing your ideals and allow reality to pervail.

Relationships work when everyone supports eachother.  Right now neither of you are supporting the either.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 3:10:16 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If he's so angry or upset that I can feel his emotions and they color mine, then I back off. I go into the other room, listen to music, hang out on the computer, read a book, take a nap etc. When he does come by annoyed because he hasn't magically had his tea refilled I tell him that being near him when he is so wired gets me upset. He doesn't usually realize that he's pumping out emotions unless I tell him. But I try first to defuse the problem by getting him tea and water so he doesn't have to think about which he would rather have. I hug him if he'll let me as I have found that physical contact helps. If he isn't totally tense and pacing back and forth, then I might rub his feet or his back while he sits down. The more proactive you can be in reducing his tension, the better.

As far as a list of small things that bug him, why don't you write it? Keep it on the fridge next to the grocery list. So if he snaps at you for rolling his socks wrong, then go write it on the list. This way you can learn things one at a time and not feel so overwhelmed as being confronted with 25 things at once.

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 3:15:40 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
As far as a list of small things that bug him, why don't you write it? Keep it on the fridge next to the grocery list. So if he snaps at you for rolling his socks wrong, then go write it on the list. This way you can learn things one at a time and not feel so overwhelmed as being confronted with 25 things at once.
Dang, if that's not the best idea to be pro-active, communicative and make progress together in a fulfilling way within a Ds authority dynamic, I don't know what is!

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 3:30:23 PM   
empresschaos


Posts: 84
Joined: 10/23/2005
Status: offline 		Thanks all! Celeste, that sounds like a great start. :)

LA, you're probably right about me having some kind of a box. I do feel like I definitely need time and attention to feel loved, and resent being ignored. Usually during the ignore times I wind up thinking of about a million ways that I wish he'd handled it, but I don't suppose that's very productive, and a box is still a box.:P And it is IRL; we live together.

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 3:30:33 PM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
As far as a list of small things that bug him, why don't you write it? Keep it on the fridge next to the grocery list. So if he snaps at you for rolling his socks wrong, then go write it on the list. This way you can learn things one at a time and not feel so overwhelmed as being confronted with 25 things at once.
Dang, if that's not the best idea to be pro-active, communicative and make progress together in a fulfilling way within a Ds authority dynamic, I don't know what is!


I agree that is a very good idea.  Alandra has a list of my Lord's pet peeves from her perspective and it was shared with me before we started a formal relationship.  After a few months, I created a list from my perspective and add to it as things come up.

It serves a couple purposes.  It helps me remember the things that annoy him.  It shows him the things that annoy him from my perspecitve and if he decides he doesn't like how he reacts in those situations, then he can change it.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 5:39:47 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:


How do you handle your submissive when you've had a bad day at work? We're not talking slaves, who are obliged to accept whatever treatment their Master deems appropriate. Do you avoid talking with your submissive? Interacting? And how would you expect her (or him) to respond to your "bad day mood"?


How I would "handle" my submissive, or slave after I've had a bad day at work would simply be to tell her that I'm having a rough day, I might like to be alone for awhile and may or may talk about it.  I would expect her to realize that whatever issue I am having has nothing to do with her and that she should carry on in her duties while I take time to adjust to whatever the problem is.  Once I have overcome the problem, I may or may not discuss it with her.  I prefer to talk with smilezz about everything...good and bad...but some days, I really don't feel like discussing anything with anybody.

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/9/2006 7:08:57 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I spoil Sir as much as i can when i know He is having a bad day.  The problem is He hides His bad days quite well.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/10/2006 5:15:38 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		On the other hand there is only so much one half of the relationship can do. So if he came home every damn day in a bad mood, wouldn't talk about what's going on, wouldn't accept any kindness, wouldn't do anything to improve his mood and basically ignored me day in and day out,  I would be pretty damned pissed. Not because he was having a bad time, but because he wasn't managing his stress which is the adult thing to do.

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/10/2006 1:32:42 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		 Well, I'm a slave but surprisingly enough, I still have thoughts about things and mention them.

If my Master is a bit *short*  I just ask if he's grumpy...... he sometimes says he's had a rough day etc,....... but as long as I know it isn't anything to do with me, I'm ok. There are a LOT more times when I'M the grumpy one, actually.....lol.

agirl


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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/11/2006 12:12:24 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Greetings chaos,

When I have my bad days, I leave them at the door.  I have no reason to bring them into the house or time that I am with the female, no use to make the time we have being hassled with my frustrations.  I can get rid of my anger and frustrations with my workouts, simple.  I need to be focussed and straight thinking with the female to bring out the best in her.

This changes if the female changes it, and then I just end it.  I have no concern if she has her tantrums, leave it at the door.  Calm and collected is the best thing for times together, in my eyes.

Be well and take care.

Master Frank Ar.


< Message edited by FrankAr -- 11/11/2006 12:13:13 AM >

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/11/2006 4:57:03 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline 		Well how long has this been going on?  i mean, we all have bad days....maybe even a bad week....but if it's something that's been going on for a month (or some long period of time), maybe there's another issue there other than 'a string of bad days'. 
 
DG

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RE: How do you deal with bad days? - 11/11/2006 9:34:59 AM   
QuietDom


Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		Just because a bad day keeps him from acting especially "domly," you aren't prevented from being submissive - you just have to act without direct commands.  Speaking as someone who can easily slip into a black mood, and have great difficulty escaping it, this is how I'd like to see a sub act in that situation:

1) Make tea.  Monk's Blend, I think, or perhaps Ceylon White.
2) Assuming that I'm sitting down somewhere (which is probable,) bring me the aforesaid tea, a fleece throw-blanket, and one of the many, many books that I intend to read, but haven't quite started.
3) Put on light music.
4) Try to start a conversation about something that interests me, and is NOT related at all to whatever I'm upset about.

Though it's not a certain cure for the blues, a half-hour of that can go a long way towards lifting a dark mood.  And afterwards, he'll probably be more inclined to play in the ways that you enjoy.

(And if you don't feel comfortable trying this procedure on your Dom right away, I'd let you practice on me in exchange for some simple household services.  )


(in reply to adaddysgirl)
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