Should I tell her (Full Version)

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OHBrokensoul -> Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:06:16 PM)

Exactly one week ago today the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with dropped a huge bomb on me. Well, I guess not that huge seeing as I've always "known" something was going on...

For the past 1.5 years, he has been searching, talking with and meeting other women. I can't say that I'm 100% blameless in this as I was a member of this site for a while and I too was talking with people. The difference being I didn't meet anyone and it never went beyond talking through IM or email.

Last Saturday night while he was away from his phone, I checked it. Yeah, bad form, I know. I found text messages to a girl and looked through his call log and found phone calls to her and from her. I confronted him as soon as he came back to the car (where he left his phone with me). He said he felt it, he felt me looking and knew what I found, and that is why he came back.

There were two women he had been conversing with. He called one and ended their "relationship" while I was sitting there. The second one, he wouldn't call her. The text message from the girl he wouldn't call said, "I miss you and I can't wait to see you next Saturday" (which would be tonight 11/11) He told me that he sent her an email and sent it to me as well. I wanted to believe him as I do love him, but I don't think he ever ended it with her and I don't think he told her that he was in a relationship.

For the past week we've been talking about the future of our relationship, that he only wants me and that he wants to gain my trust. I canceled my memebership here, I deleted my profile and stopped communication with all men as a gesture of my devotion to him and our relationship. Tonight, 11/11, he is not answering his phone.

I do have an email address for this girl. I do know that she is a memeber on this site. The ONLY reason I want to contact her is so that she knows what she is getting into. I've resigned myself to the fact that we are no longer going to be together. I don't know if he is with her tonight, I can only assume.

I don't know if I should contact her and tell her what a lying d-bag he is. I would hate to see anyone feel the way that I am feeling right now. Maybe he'll change for her, maybe he won't, but shouldn't she know the type of person he is especially since the type of relationship that we were in was all about trust?

I am sorry if this is in the wrong area. I used to read the boards a lot and found questions like this in most areas. I thought maybe this would be the best place to put it.



SissySean -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:11:22 PM)

Nope, don't contact her. She knew he was involved and still was with him. You have no reason to feel sorry for her, let her get what's coming to her.
In the mean time "how you doing?"



OHBrokensoul -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:14:57 PM)

Devastated.

He was the first one to make me feel accepted for the things I enjoy. He was the only one who made me feel like I wasn't some sort of sick freak. I told him EVERYTHING. He was my best friend, or so I thought.

My heart is broken and I feel crushed.



Quivver -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:16:18 PM)

Telling only makes you look like a vindictive bitch. 
It is possible that she knew about you, those things you dont know.
Take some time to think right now your in a emotional state and clear thinking isnt included...............

best of luck to you.



SissySean -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:18:21 PM)

Well you missed my reference to "Freinds" there.
Anyway...I know it sucks and sorry to say, it will for a while. There really isn't anything anyone can or will say to make it feel better, it'll just take time, just know in the future he will probably do the same thing to her.



MsKatHouston -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:21:55 PM)

I am very sorry for what happened to you.  I also would not assume the email address you have is an accurate one.  You already have doubts and it is up to him to bend over backwards to reassure you.  You have all the control here and you need to make the best decisions for you.  Assuming for a second he is not with her, do you think you can get past this?  It will be hard.  I wish you luck and again I am sorry for your pain.



fergus -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:24:16 PM)

*whew* what a heartbreak!  I really do feel for you and if I were you, I would end the relationship FLAT as well.

With that said, there is nothing to gain by calling her - break it off, let it be clean.  Calling her would only entangle you further in more hurt and you have some healing to get to.  Let it go, let him go, move onto (in your own good time) bigger and better things.

fergus



defiantbadgirl -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:27:47 PM)

Definitely tell her and try to find out if she knew. Telling her is not vindictive. If you find out she knew, take comfort in the fact that karma will bring justice. If she doesn't know, then she no more deserves to be hurt than you did and she needs to be told for her own protection.



OHBrokensoul -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:32:56 PM)

The thing is this, after all of this happened he gave me the passwords to his e-mail addresses and instant messenger. I located her name in his list of people and then searched using the Yahoo IM name. It is the same person. I found her Yahoo profile page and found her profile on this site. I am NOT stalking her at all.

He moved to Michigan about 2 months ago for a job and he said that he met her while she was filling out an application. She offered to take him around to show him the area. Nice gesture. They met twice. If I wouldn't have seen the messages that he sent her or the email he sent her (this was after giving me permission and the password to his email) I may have believed his story of just looking for someone to talk to. However, what I read screamed something different.

To answer your question, no, I don't believe I can get over this. I felt decent about us, up until today. Well, tonight actually. I thought he was done with the games and ready to start over. I told him that if he wanted someone else that he could leave and I would never bother him again.

I'm being played once again.

I don't know how to stop the urge to call him or how to stop myself from loving him.





CrazyC -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:34:23 PM)

(((hugs)))

ok...so he led you on. He probably lost someone really special. Remember if we are all here then you aren't the only freak. :D When you are ready, start looking again. This time enjoy the search a little longer, so that you can see all that is available for you.

-c



Noah -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:36:41 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OHBrokensoul

Devastated.

He was the first one to make me feel accepted for the things I enjoy. He was the only one who made me feel like I wasn't some sort of sick freak. I told him EVERYTHING. He was my best friend, or so I thought.

My heart is broken and I feel crushed.



If his acceptance of you contributed to a higher degree of self-acceptance on your part, don't loose track of that genuine and valuable thing. That's yours to keep.

I'm sorry for your pain.



diamonddreamlove -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:40:03 PM)

Why would you be telling her is the question.  If it is to get even with her forget it she doesn't care.  If it is to protect her then all you will get is angry Dom.  Personally i don't think that such an unworthy Dom is worth the effort over.  He has lied to you not once but twice, he has been unfaithful and sounds like more than once.  No trust, no respect no relationship.  Bummer now pick up and move on before she dumps him and he comes running back to you.



SissySean -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:42:38 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: diamonddreamlove
Bummer now pick up and move on before she dumps him and he comes running back to you.



And he will.



OHBrokensoul -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:42:38 PM)

Telling her to protect her. I don't want to see anyone in that sort of pain. He's easy to fall for and I don't want to see another person hurt by him.




Quivver -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:44:12 PM)

you know, there is so much here that isnt said.
your not ~positive~ he's with her, all you are sure of is his phone is not being answered.  sure, it may be that he's chosing not to answer it and yes he may be with her but both of those things are out of your hands.  there's no sense in driving yourself nuts over something you have no control over.  then there's this, say you call her, can you keep yourself composed for this conversation and not become overly emotional no matter what may be said.  that can could be filled with worms. 
if it's ment to be it will be, real tough to chew, but that's reality.



OHBrokensoul -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 8:47:29 PM)

I know. You are right.

I am not rational at this point and I don't know if he is with her or not.

Emotions aren't rational.

Thank you all for your comments.



FirmhandKY -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 9:03:53 PM)

Ok, while I have some sympathy for you, OHBroken, I am also somewhat confused, and I'm not sure that you can plead total innocence in this thing.

And I think you realize this already.

I'm not going to try to make you feel any worse, but I do think there was a ... at least ... a little self-deception, and even game playing from your side as well.

Doesn't excuse a man from being a cad, but .... it takes two to tango, so to speak.

FirmKY



MySweetSubmssive -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 9:06:25 PM)

Having unwittingly been "the other woman" with a man who said (ahem) he was divorced, I was glad to get a phone call from his wife giving me the real story.  Of course, I had to wade through "he said, she said."  If you're doing this to be kind to the other woman and give her a head's up, do try to be as objective as you can when telling her the lay of the land.  It will lend you credibility, and make it easier for her to make her decision.

As to what happened with the communication with you and your partner, it's a little hard to discern.  You were both chatting with other folks on CM.  Was it a spoken agreement between the two of you that it would only be chat?  Was it a "kind of" open door-poly-experimentation thing?  Or did the two of you have differing expectations of what you were looking for on CM?  Whatever it was, I'm sorry that this has happened to you.  Heartache hurts.

MSS



WyrdRich -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 9:13:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: OHBrokensoul

Telling her to protect her. I don't want to see anyone in that sort of pain. He's easy to fall for and I don't want to see another person hurt by him.





    You're assuming that she needs to be protected.  Have you considered the possibility that she is a psycho-bitch from Hell, with a special delivery of his bad karma for playing you?  Stranger things have happened.



SissySean -> RE: Should I tell her (11/11/2006 9:18:22 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyrdRich

quote:

ORIGINAL: OHBrokensoul

Telling her to protect her. I don't want to see anyone in that sort of pain. He's easy to fall for and I don't want to see another person hurt by him.





   You're assuming that she needs to be protected.  Have you considered the possibility that she is a psycho-bitch from Hell, with a special delivery of his bad karma for playing you?  Stranger things have happened.


I gotta agree,
And off topic a bit, I always read your name as wildrich



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