i give up?

i give up? (Full Version)

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mercxi -> i give up? (2/6/2005 7:41:49 PM)
hi, i am 20 years old, and very new to bdsm, i just want to say i have had it trying to find a domme in the tri-state area. 90% of domme's age 18-40 are trying to go after my money, the other 10% say i am too inexperienced for them. Does anyone have any tips for me?

Suleiman -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 7:49:49 PM)
If you're gonna give up this early in the game, you'll never convince that ten percent that you're serious. So maybe you have to spend a few years building up some credibility in the local scene - so what? Attend a few events, find a regular munch in your area. Make yourself known, and unless you are completely repellant, opportunity will come your way. Or, you could give up and go back to vanilla. You know - where a guy's best chance at getting lucky is by having that right combination of money, charm, and looks... wait... isn't that what you were just complaining about?

SecretDomme -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 7:52:33 PM)
Hello, I would say hang in there, it takes time. I would suggest getting involved in a local BDSM group in your area to meet people and learn. We all had to start somewhere and everyone has been new once. Some BDSM groups cater to a younger crowd, so you might look specifically for one that does. If you are really serious about this, it's worth the wait to find the right person for you. Take care, Julie

RealityFix -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 8:04:14 PM)
You are extremely young, and have your entire life to find a match. 1. This is not "MacDommes".... Instant gratification doesn't happen here,don't expect it. 2. Perservere. Walk away, and you will guarantee it will never happen. 3. Become a known entity in REAL LIFE. Go to events, get to know people,find real life chat rooms,invest yourself into a community-it won't happen for you online. 4. Look at what Dommes WANT. Then work on improving yourself to those standards. 5. Quit whining and show some dignity. Nothing is more annoying to Dommes that the "mosquito in the ear" sort of males subs. There's a ton of inferior alleged "male submissives" out there who have no clue of what it means to serve with excellence-it's all about them, thier little cocks, and thier fantasies. Rise above the pack if you wish to be noticed.

FangsNfeet -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 8:04:29 PM)
Sulieman said it. attend some events and beg other doms who you want them to give you a session. Sooner or later a dom will want you for more than just a session every now and then. Perhaps you can also start meeting with other submissives to learn from. You said you had money? Go ahead and hire a Pro Dominatrix to session you. If someone said you need more experience, then GO GET IT! for that's what the dom wants you to do. Get that experience and please them for then they may reward you.

onceburned -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 8:08:01 PM)
Mercxi, the advice they have given is very good. It can be very frustrating to find the right person, but it is so important. Getting in touch with the local groups can be very helpful. Since you are college age you might check some of the local universities to see if they have a student BDSM group - hey, if we have them in Iowa they must have them in New York! [:)] I sent you an email with a set of helpful links. I put it in an email because I don't want to bore the regulars here. But I think you will find them to be helpful.

ProtagonistLily -> RE: i give up? (2/6/2005 8:17:32 PM)
quote: hi, i am 20 years old, and very new to bdsm, i just want to say i have had it trying to find a domme in the tri-state area. 90% of domme's age 18-40 are trying to go after my money, the other 10% say i am too inexperienced for them. Does anyone have any tips for me? Ok, well, I went to your profile, and aside from the nice picture, you seem a little casual about your interest in BDSM. You start out with "Hey what's up?" Now I certainly can't speak for every Domme in the tri-state area, but to me it's a bit off-putting as it seems a tad casual. You go on to say you are interested in giving BDSM "a shot". Again, for myself, as a Dominant woman seeking a submissive, being put in a postion to fulfill your need to 'give bdsm a shot' doesn't exactly set my desire to contact you afire. I'm not a bitch, and I don't want your money. What I do want, is some sincerity. I want to know that if I bother to start a correspondence with you, you are at least a bit more than half assed in your interest. You state you've never done it 'b4' so I don't think any of us who are serious expect you to know much. However, if you can't be bothered to spell out 'before', how serious are we supposed to expect that you are about BDSM? (same goes for 'wanna' and the use of the small 'i' when refering to yourself.) Ok, now, here's Aunt Lily's Tips section of this little post. Rewrite your profile. Be serious about it. Say something that would cause you to stand out from the rest of the boys in the tri-state area who are out there with experience and looking to serve. Why do you want to serve? why do you think you are right for someone who's dominant? Give me a reason to say "this kid could have potential". And by all means don't be afraid to tell me something that allows you to stand out so that I might want to choose you over the other fish in the submissive barrel. Make me want to respond to you. Compell me to be interested in what you've said. Attract me and make me want to take the time to contact you. This is your chance to shine, to tell the Dommes in the Tri-State area you are sincere, willing, and for the love of God, a good communicator. Lily

knkywch -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 10:38:05 AM)
My two cents... Stop trying to find a Domme and get connected with the local BDSM community. Volunteer your time and get to know people. Try and cultivate a reputation as a person who is helpful and willing to be of service to others instead of a whiner. Find local BDSM munches, organizations that put on classes and events and ATTEND. Learn without the pressure of one-on-one. I agree with RealityFix that you shouldn't be seeking a Domme expecting immediate gratification. Unfortunately, the general reality as far as the numbers goes does not lean in your favor. Imagine the BDSM world as a four-layered pyramid. At the very top (where there aren't too many) are the females who top (Dommes, Mistresses, etc.). The next level (higher quantitiy available) are males who top (Doms, Masters, etc.). The next level (even more exist than the upper layers) are the females who bottom. Then, at the bottom (a whole LOTTA them exist) are males who bottom. If you are a male who wants to bottom to a female, realize that the odds are not all that great, especially if you are an immediate-gratification-seeking whiner. The guys who get lucky are the ones who are proactively helpful and positive, optimistic, and willing to learn from the wide variety of experience others are willing to share. So, use all the friendly advice and don't give up. And finally... You cannot win if you do not play. Regards, kw

MistressFire70 -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 4:24:52 PM)
In your profile, consider listing all the areas that you can be of service. These things shouldn't be limited to sexual things (in all honesty, we're quite tired of "I can do oral for hours"). Can you cook? clean? run errands? massage? Are you willing to attend events? etc. Also, list what experience you DO have or areas where you feel you've gotten the best information. List what real time experience you have, even if it's just a munch or two at a local group. Here's a listing of NY BDSM groups...I have no idea how far NYC is from you, but perhaps you can find something here or a link that leads to a link, etc. http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=NEW+YORK&view_records=View+Records&ww=on Read. Learn. Read some more. Search yourself and try to figure out WHY you want to be in this lifestyle...then be honest. If all you want is kinky sex, SAY that. If all you want is to serve, SAY that. If you want a kinky girlfriend who'll switch with you, SAY that. It's all about honesty. People can and will give you a hard time no matter what you say you want, but you have the finally say on your integrity, so be honest. Fire

MizSuz -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 4:30:07 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mercxi hi, i am 20 years old, and very new to bdsm, i just want to say i have had it trying to find a domme in the tri-state area. There is no try, only DO or DO NOT! quote: ORIGINAL: mercxi 90% of domme's age 18-40 are trying to go after my money, the other 10% say i am too inexperienced for them. Does anyone have any tips for me? Patience, my young padawan.

Voltare -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 4:39:32 PM)
A bit of advice (to echo Sulieman) - this frustration is going to be the rule, not the exception. I consider the Female Dominance/male submissive section of the lifestyle to be a bit like a beehive, something like a hundred different men all working to get the attention of one queen. Fortunately for you, the vast majority of those drones tend to be (as previously mentioned) of a rather inferior make up. Just to prove the point, go to another BDSM related classified site, and set up a fake advertisement posing as a female dominant. Post a normal, decent photo, and a really basic profile. Then, check it a day later - and read the emails. This is your competition. Trust me, it isn't as fierce as you might think. Your age -is- an issue. Love might not have an age limit, but many Dominants do (I -never- get involved with a woman under the age of 21, for example.) When you get a bit older, you'll understand. There are dozens of messages in the Ask a Mistress board dealing with Mistresses stating, quite clearly, what they look for and expect from a potential submissive. Read these posts and take them to heart - they are the women YOU are trying to attract the attention of, so knowing what they want will be half the battle. After all, the life of a submissive is (ideally) the satisfaction of the Dominant, not the other way around. Good luck, and hang in there. Stephan

ProtagonistLily -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 4:47:27 PM)
quote: There are dozens of messages in the Ask a Mistress board dealing with Mistresses stating, quite clearly, what they look for and expect from a potential submissive. Read these posts and take them to heart - they are the women YOU are trying to attract the attention of, so knowing what they want will be half the battle. After all, the life of a submissive is (ideally) the satisfaction of the Dominant, not the other way around You might want to give this post a looksee: 10 Steps for Making a Good First Impression This has become the handbook for good etiquette, at least by Fem Domme standards around here. Lily

CTclay -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 5:02:58 PM)
Pssssst! .... Hey, kid! .... Yeah, you -- over here: Here's whatcha do, kid. 1) Get to the Westchester Munch. Every third Thursday of the month in White Plains. Join the Westchester Munch group on Yahoo. Email this address: [email protected]. I don't know anything about the Hudson Valley munch, but you're so far up north in Westchester County that you may be close to where they meet, too. Whenever you can get to a BDSM event, get to it. Check out domsubfriends.com, they have the best calendar of events in the Metropolitan area. Consider joining TES. Check out their website at tes.org. If you can get to their Tuesday or Wednesday evening events, then do. There are various daytime BDSM events in NYC on weekends. Consider those. 2) Play to your strength: You've got a 20-year-old body. When you're present in real-time, that presence will make dominas, ah ... more willing to consider playing with you. Some domina somewhere will probably say this has no effect on her. Uh huh. Always remember that they're human beings, too. They put on their panties one leg at a time, just the way we sub males do. 3) They're looking for someone serious about this. No need to be grim about it, but be very polite. Very polite. Sweet, but polite. 4) Avoid any display of impatience. About anything. Always makes you seem unserious. 5) Mind your grammar and your punctuation and your spelling, because it makes you seem more serious. And just what the hell is that question mark doing in the title of this thread, anyway? That is just so damned annoying.

Ojedieu -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 5:40:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressFire70 Read. Learn. Read some more. Search yourself and try to figure out WHY you want to be in this lifestyle...then be honest. If all you want is kinky sex, SAY that. If all you want is to serve, SAY that. If you want a kinky girlfriend who'll switch with you, SAY that. It's all about honesty. People can and will give you a hard time no matter what you say you want, but you have the finally say on your integrity, so be honest. Fire Wooo!!! (standing ovation) I think MistressFire just summed it up perfectly. You won't get what you want unless you let people know what it is honestly and up front. Don't worry about trying to be what other people is the right thing to be/do/enjoy or you'll just end up frustrating yourself and your partners. Ojedieu

MizSuz -> RE: i give up? (2/7/2005 5:53:43 PM)
Clay, That's very good and practical advice. You see, when he was just bitching I had no interest in him and didn't look his profile up. When I read your post I realized he was close and took the time to read his profile. Now, if he shows up at one of the munches I happen to be at, I may even recognize him (although his chances would be better if he recognized me...it's just a numbers thing). You're right, if he was hanging out and making himself useful and was in the right place at the right time - who knows what could happen. <evil grin> I'm quite sure many of us have 'and then, on the spur of the moment' stories.

TCTopper -> RE: i give up? (2/8/2005 8:29:06 AM)
Shoot Im open to someone learning and new. Thats what makes things fun. I dont care how much money you have. (just thought of a great scene) But hey hang in there dont give up.

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