How do you define the line between being understand and being Dominant?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How do you define the line between being understand and being Dominant?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> How do you define the line between being understand and being Dominant?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How do you define the line between being understand and... - 11/13/2006 5:39:25 PM

squeak

Posts: 16
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline

Wow, so this is like my....3rd post on the boards here. Hopfully I won't make too much of an ass of myself.

The back story:
I started talking to a boy who lives about an hour south of me on here a couple months ago and he was on vacation with his family. We exchanged a couple emails back and forth and we eventually started talking on the phone. The very first phone call, we fell into a D/s role, from the starting line. I had him begging to cum by the end of it (ahhh, begging...one of My weaknesses). For the next month we continue doing a phone/online thing and then decide it's time to meet.

We met at the local mall and then went to the beach and it was awesome. He was nervous, but it was cute. I wound up pulling his hair and making him look Me in the eyes and make him tell Me who Owned him. Later that night, he told me he felt something snap inside of him when I did that, that he felt broken.

The problem:
Ever since, he hasn't been the same. He's very paranoid about his friends knowing who I am, about my telling my friends who he is to me, things of that nature. He won't even bring me to meet them because he's too scared.

He also has a paranoia about germs. He says kissing "isn't very safe"....is that normal? He says he has a hard limit about kissing, which I've respected thus far, but where does it go from being a limit to being redicilous?

Another complicating factor is that I've fallen in-like with him. He's smart, witty, funny, very goal-oriented. If it was a strict D/s thing, i would have released him already.

Do I be patient and wiat him out? Or do I take charge and take what I want, which might ultimately scare him off?

Help!

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 6:02:03 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

My answers may not be the ones your hoping for but it is the best advice I can give. Communicate with him.

Ask him why he doesn't want you to meet his friends and why he doesn't want your friends to know who he is to you.

Ask him why kissing is a hard limit for him. I know pushing phobias can do more harm than good.

I would also personally discuss how if he wants from the relationship. I have seen many D/s couples who are very much inlove with one another so one does not automatically eliminate the other.

In the end ONLY you can decide what you want from life, from this relationship. ONLY you can decide if YOU can live with or without certain things. In the end that will require communication and self knowledge.

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 7:21:24 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

If he can't be as open and "out" as you want, there is no reason to stay with him. Think about it. You are "in like" now but if you take more time you might fall "in love" and he still may not change. How hard will that make things then.

He may have "snapped" in a positive or negative way -- sounds like its a negative to you in several areas. Maybe he needs time to adjust and to evaluate things.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 7:41:19 PM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

Hmmm. I have never heard of kissing being a hard limit beyond the 5th grade ;-) I suppose anything is possible but with the information at hand I am sensing something amiss.

I am not sure what is happening but here are some possibilities to probe via conversation.

Does he separate romance and D/s so much that kissing disrupts the dynamic he feels with you? Does he separate romantic attraction and D/s attraction and feels only D/s attraction?

How is he otherwise? Is the interest to not kiss a sign that the compatibility is beginning to come apart? That is, is the want for a D/s relationship attemping to cover up the lack of compatibility?

It is fair to separate vanilla and D/s social circles. If you are not a couple, it can go either way with respect to mixing circles or not. If both of you see yourselves as a couple then his reluctance is unreasonable if amongst vanilla friends the plan is to be vanilla. One reason for reluctance could be feeling uncertainty about how you might respond if the relationship ends on unfavorable terms.

If after the conversation the relationship is not bringing you what you would like to have, I think it would be best for you to tell him that and to see others.

Good luck.

Sea

(in reply to nikaa)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 8:03:25 PM

Noah

Posts: 1660
Joined: 7/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: squeak

He also has a paranoia about germs. He says kissing "isn't very safe"....is that normal? He says he has a hard limit about kissing, which I've respected thus far,

...

Do I be patient and wiat him out?

I guess you'll have to wait him out since you can't kiss him off.

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 8:58:14 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

Understanding of what exactly?
That a presumably grown man has issues with sex and even kissing? I may be way off, and in fact would love to see this turn out to be a normal adult with whom you can have a relationship that is D/s based/kinky, but I seriously doubt it, because it sounds to me like he thinks sex/kissing is dirty, and wants a church going girl who feels the same to introduce to his friends, and I hope I'm wrong for your heart's sake. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 9:06:46 PM

Powerman40

Posts: 510
Joined: 7/11/2006
Status: offline

I sure hope your not his school teacher.
but wait,
maybe ...................................*S*

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/13/2006 9:51:40 PM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Powerman40
I sure hope your not his school teacher.
but wait,
maybe ...................................*S*

I'm all for being kind and understanding to boys who are afraid, but have little tolerance for extremely immature BS (like germs of kissing).

quote:

squeak
Do I be patient and wiat him out? Or do I take charge and take what I want, which might ultimately scare him off?

As to this question from the OP, you have two choices: 1)stay, talk, and see if you can help him reconcile his dissonance between his behavior (in terms of getting off online/phone) and dealing with real life domina, 2)drop him... You definitely don't want to take charge and take what you want as that may land you in jail for assault of rape if he decides he's been sullied beyond where he handle. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Powerman40)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/14/2006 6:20:23 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

One -- it takes a hell of alot more than a month of wanking on the phone and my meeting him once before I "own" him or even think to talk like that -- especially where he's obviously got little experience and a whole lot of issues/baggage.

Two -- avoidance of you in his personal life screams of him having a relationship or marriage. Been there, done that.

Three -- what was the nature of this approach between the two of you, and what were both of your expectations? It doesn't sound like his equal yours now.

Perhaps his interest was just masturbatory fantasies.....something you may have to live with. It'd be better to draw a line in the sand and cut your losses now rather than pining away on this quirky fellow who seems to be doing nothing but disrespecting your investment in him.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/14/2006 4:58:40 PM

Elegrea

Posts: 38
Joined: 9/20/2006
From: Obscurity
Status: offline

Kissing as a hard limit?

I know deep kissing is a hard limit for me as well, because since very young childhood I have daily chewed on the insides of my cheeks, which means that I pretty much always have open sores in my mouth, and like oral sex, deep kissing is a fluid exchanging activity. Seeing as I cannot wear a condom or dam while I kiss...it's sort of tough to make it safe, and I don't do it.

Maybe he has a similar problem and is too embarassed to tell you...or perhaps he has oral herpes or bad breath?

_____________________________

If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.

(in reply to squeak)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: How do you define the line between being understand... - 11/14/2006 6:33:23 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You cannot take what you want unless he consents to give it. Apparently you came on too hard for a total newbie and have scared him half to death. I would suggest just being friends, if he wants you for a friend. But it doesn't really sound like it.

(in reply to Elegrea)

Profile

Post #: 11