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Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 5:47:55 PM   
squeak


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		I recently joined a local BDSM center hear called the LAC (Lifestyles Alternative Center) where they have all sorts of classes, seminars, demos, events, play parties, etc. A dream come true for an aspiring member of the local BDSM community, right?

You would think so.

Every time I plan on going to an event/class, I get really, really panicy and really shy. And I have no idea how to stop it. I'm severely overweight, so I know part of it is my self-conciousness because of it.

Do I dive headfirst into a play party and deal with it? Do I just go to a munch and hang out in the background? I'm so confused. =/

~squeakers
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 5:55:55 PM   
gingered


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline 		I  recommend getting in touch with the organization themselves and sharing your problem which is more common than you would think.  They want to get people out so may have ways to "ease" you in eg meeting ahead of time with others who will attend, doing an orientation for new members etc.

Bravo for you finding them and looking at ways to get out there!! 

(in reply to squeak)
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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 5:57:26 PM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline 		what you are discribing sounds like a sociel anxiety. Talk to your Dr. about the possiblity of maybe needing medication depending on your situation. I suffer from social anxiety and before i can go into totally new surroundings or situations i have to prepare myself. Sometimes i even have to take zanax but that is rarely. Although i know of a few groups that when they have new members, they assign a local leader to be your companion untill you feel comfortable.

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

(in reply to squeak)
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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 6:04:52 PM   
justinasamerk


Posts: 153
Joined: 8/1/2006
Status: offline 		squeak,
Going to whisper something to you if you dont mind..SHHHH..no one else heard this...
Go to any party, scene, club,,,you would think you see extremely hot girls walking around naked, with a beauty..true you will see some very beautiful girls..but amazingly..its usually the fat, old, ugly, bulging, cottage cheese thighs and ass, or men who are beer belly, small cocks...

OK..i know that just offended a few people...but let me tell you about myself. I too am overweight. When i first went to a club 7 years ago, the idea of being naked with what i thought was a hideous looking body in front of everyone who passed,,I FREAKED..until..i saw everyday people. People who loved kink..people who werent beautiful, who were your average joes, people who came from all walks of life.....No i didnt find any strippers or models..instead..kindergarden teachers, lawyers, nurses, accountants, librarians, used car dealers...Everyone who are from every walk of life, sharing the one thing we have in common...It is beautiful...

Now i am not suggesting go all out and get naked, but munches are a great opportunity to say hello. Go there..say HI I Am Squeak..I am   new Here..make conversation, tell them where you are from, tell them you would love to learn...make any type of conversation. Usually munches are held in a public restaurant, so  conversation usually is friendly get to know, politics, fun stuff..Things the party at the next table with a handful of screaming children wont be offended by.

As far as shyness, the more you get out there, the less the more outgoing you will become.  The shyness will go away and you will gain  terrific social  skills.
Good luck on your journey, be true to yourself..and don't be a fake..go to these events and be yourself. 


(in reply to squeak)
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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 6:38:42 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I am shy too so went with a Dom friend to my first munch and later with the One who is my Dom to my first play party.  He did not push me into playing but encouraged me.  When we went to the next large party i had already worked up the courage to play publically.  Yep i would have backed out but one look from Him convinced me i had better not try that.  Guess what it was wonderful.  I loved it.  Oh and frequently i am allowed to wear a corset due to my shyness.  I am not beautiful just me and plenty of me,  I think you will find no one really cares what you look like as long as you enjoy what you are doing.  Have  fun talk to the group.

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 6:51:55 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Find someone to buddy up with so you can share experiences.  Most people are shy when they first go to any sort of event, whether it be a munch or a party.
It is quite common and you are normal.  The key is to overcome it.
A friend usually helps a great bit.
Good Luck

(in reply to squeak)
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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 7:54:38 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It helps me to have a role so I'd suggest you volunteer.  When you have a discrete task to follow through on, a sense of responsibility and ownership, a sense of belonging and knowing you're supposed to be there- it helps me a LOT in cutting down on my shyness and anxiety.

Otherwise I just try and go with a friend and keep myself calm.  Trust me, you aren't THAT important to anyone to really cause a ruckus, and the weight issue really isn't an issue at all.

Biting the bullet MIGHT be the right approach here...but make sure it's the right bullet for you.

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 8:03:28 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Not to start a shit storm or anything.

I'm not a doctor, no where near.  I do work in a pharmacy and what I see is mass over-medicating in amongst those who really need it.

So please, before you even -think- about going to someone about getting meds for a problem that might not even be there, there are plenty of other ways to work around being shy.

I'm not discrediting social anxiety.  Or anxiety of any kind.  My ex has bouts of severe social anxiety and works as an Acura salesman.  He works with it as best he can without meds.   He hates doctors and I don't blame him.

I have other friends that have ended up loaded up on a ton of shit they never needed and now are struggling with addiction.

I, myself, deal with anxiety, panic attacks which lead to hyperventilation, and yes, I was/am shy.

There are ways of dealing with it, and if those things don't work and you think that it might be something more serious than just severe shyness, then by all means, go to a trusted and reputable doctor that isn't known for just handing out prescriptions.  It's always a good idea to check out by word of mouth the doctors in the area, talk to the pharmacists, friends, family.

Along the same lines as to how people say to check out people before meeting them for play, getting references, etc.

Anyhoo, I digress.

I grew up with two older brothers, not too many friends outside of theirs, a total bookworm, and shy to a damned fault.  Thanks to good people and some work on my part, I've spent many years working on my own minor anxieties about meeting new people and talking to strangers and going places alone.

My advice is much like that of one of those people that first posted.  Contact the organization, see if the do indeed have orientations for new members, more easy going social gatherings like munches out in nilla settings.  Bring a kink friendly friend (was that redundant? lol) with you to help you feel more comfortable. 

I wouldn't suggest jumping into a play party or anything like that.  That might create some bad juju/shellshock.  Don't want that happening.  I don't always and in all cases agree with baby-steps either.  Do what you think you might feel comfortable with at that time.  Go to a meeting, bring a friend, or at least let someone who's "in the know" know that you're going (gawd what's with the punny redundancy tonight?) so if you feel overwhelmed, there is someone you can talk to or have them pick you up to keep you grounded and not let you freak out.

And...I just lost my train of though there, kitten.  Perhaps it will come back to me.

*curls back up and grooms her tail*


< Message edited by Aine -- 11/13/2006 8:04:47 PM >

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Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 9:00:32 PM   
SweetSarijane


Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline 		I'm a very shy person. When I first got into local groups, it was by invitation of a Dom who contacted me here on CM. I joined by invitation 2 local yahoo groups and was invited to meet a few of the members of one of the groups for lunch. That broke the ice for me enough to work up the courage to go to a play party maybe 2 months later. I was near terrified all that day and it got worse and worse the closer it got to time to leave. I was shaking quite a bit by the time I arrived. When I went in, I was warmly welcomed by the others there and put at ease very quickly. By not letting my shyness and fear control my actions, I made that step into what I wanted and needed and I have made a number of friends since then. I thoroughly enjoy the parties and get togethers I go to and am now one of those who steps in to help put newbies at ease.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 9:49:58 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		squeak

On average I am not a shy person, but when entering into an enviroment that is new to me. My anxiety level spikes big time. So I know exactly how you feel.  At the moment Sir and I are planning to attend our first play party. I'm very very nervous. When i went to an event this summer, i pretty much stuck to my escort like glue. *g*

The reasoning behind it is because I have no experience to fall back on and wanting to not make a huge screw up my first time out. Heck put me in front of 5 executives for a panel interview and I'll fly through it but to walk through the door into a bdsm venue where i don't know anyone scares the living bejezus out of me to be honest.

So you aren't weird or unusual. When we enter into the unknown, all those things we are selfconcious about our selves seem to exagerate. LA's idea of seeing if you can volunteer is a great one. or if you have a kink friendly buddy that will go with you is a wonderful idea as well.

Good idea is if you can meet one or two people from the group for coffee before hand if possible. Then atleast you'll know a face of two when you arrive at the function. This is one of the things I usually try to do. Meeting one or two people for coffee is still slightly nerve racking but not near as frightening as walking into a room full of strangers.

I hope you get the courage to go, cause once you do get over the fear and take that step, it's usually a whole lot of fun *S*

hugs

akisha

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/13/2006 10:14:47 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline 		I'm extremely shy as well, but have attended with a very helpful/kind friend, and am making new friends who know that I am very shy and need a hand to hold/sweat into when in new social settings.    As LuckyAlbatross said, this is one that will probably only go away with repeated doing until you feel okay doing it.   M

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""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 5:45:44 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		 i'm really shy too.  If going on your own, i'd suggest sucking it up and just doing it - and then hide off in the background. heh

i went to my first club with a member who knew others and that i could hide behind.  I find nothing wrong with keeping absolutetly silent, smiling if some one is talking to you and just looking around.  Unfortunetly, the Dom i knew also knew others and i was eventually dragged into things.  My biggest issue with playing while i was there, was that "others would look at me"  They were very nice and convinced me that no one would be looking.  They were too busy.  Whether they were or not isnt the point. 

i think if you can convince yourself (or have some one else do it) that NO one is paying you ANY attention its alot easier.  Course you can make sure of that by finding a seat in the nearest dark corner and sit and watch.  Watching is fun.  You can learn all you need to know by watching = ) 

Course, if you go with another - be prepared!  My Dom, is not shy.  He goes galloping about meeting new people and of course introducing me <lol>  One of the postives of going with some one who isnt shy, is they can do all the talking while you just sit in the background and watch.  With him, among new folks i sit silent, nod my head in agreement to what he's saying and smile every now and then. 


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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 8:43:53 AM   
charismagirrl


Posts: 297
Joined: 8/30/2006
Status: offline 		squeak,

i too am very shy AND i suffer from severe social anxiety (not just at public play parties but in stores, malls, post offices, the gym etc etc)

That being said, i did notice, for myself, that going to a play party was a complete relief. It was one place where my shyness worked wonders for me. If i go to some other type of public event with my Daddy/Master (in his business world) the shyness is painful. i'm always afraid that people will think i'm rude or stuck up because i'm very quite. my Daddy's friends have even remarked that they think i'm really sweet and really pretty but "WOW she's really shy!"...

Then we went to our first play party and an amazing thing happened to me. All of the sudden my shyness was okay, my shy smile and inability to talk to people was appropriate. If someone spoke to me then i was okay to talk, but otherwise i stayed right by my Daddy's side and felt totally at ease being a little mouse. i knew that no one expected me to be completely outgoing and boisterous (which is what i'll sometimes do to compensate for my shyness and it's not alaways a good thing) People could easily figure out that i was the "s" and so i sat quietly and comfortably next to my Daddy. i was at peace.

Incidentally, i had begged my Daddy not to make me play publicly the first time. He said he'd consider it, and if he allowed me to not play that it would be only one time....After a couple of hours of talking (me just sitting quietly mostly) and watching others my Daddy went and got his toy bag, and moved the cross to the far side of the play space (oosh this screamed SINGLE TAIL to me and also that WE WERE GOING TO PLAY-YIKES)... Somehow, someway i found myself totally at ease and just in the palm of my Daddy's hand and able to do whatever it was he wanted me to do.
i just RSVPed for our 2nd play party for this weekend. i'm still alittle nervous ( more about what i'll wear and how i'll look) but i'm also really excited, to go to a place that i know i'll find comfort in and still be out and in a public forum.


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For today i wont say just...
For today i will simply obey....
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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 11:03:42 AM   
squeak


Posts: 16
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your advice on this! The responses have been overwhelming, to say the least. :)

I think I'm going to just suck it up and go to a WOLF (Women of Leather) meeting this friday so I'm around fellow females and don't feel so intimidated by the Men type peoples.

Again, thank you all so much, I'll make sure and post an update on how it turns out!

*squeaky hugs and kisses for A/all*

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 11:35:14 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		Have a drink before you go if you are used to alcohol.

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 1:05:04 PM   
BlkTallFullfig


Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain
Have a drink before you go if you are used to alcohol.
I was going to suggest that too, but didn't want to be accused of encouraging "immoral" behavior, especially if she isn't someone who drinks on occasion and knows exactly what one drink feels like.    Incidentally, I didn't drink at first newbie or play party, but wish there was a Remy black stash or apple martini I could have had a shot of.   M

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""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 1:12:13 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear squeak, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I have yet to hear overweight women, who didn't have some sort of shy feelings when put into a public setting--clothes off or on.
 
It is something that plays mentally in your head for sure.
 
But, I can tell you truthfully--that the majority of individuals will seek what is in your heart, spirit and or mind.  The package soon is not very important.  There have been women who were 400 lbs or more that have just 'gone for it' with a 'zest' for being themselves and waste little time in finding out who has a weight bias/prejudice or not--the get it over with mentality.  They find soon enough, that its the person they want friendships/relationships with.
 
Just go at your comfort level.  Do what is best for you but, don't be a prisoner with assumptions that weight will kill your participation in the lifestyle/community.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 1:17:39 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear squeak, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
I forgot to mention squeak, lass--that there are always worse case
scenarios--[Mwwwwwahahahha]
 
You could have me there with a frisky, creative sadistic mind!  I'm sure going to a munch or meeting the lesser of two anxiety choices.
[Grins/teases]
 
Respectfully submitted with a lot of sadistic humor,
Lady Hugs
 

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 1:20:42 PM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Squeak, in addition to what the lovely LadyHugs wrote I will add this.

When I was younger, and much thinner, I was actually quite shy and timid. Meeting new people in a social situation of any sort was not the most fun.  Lord help me if it involved little to no clothes. The weird thing was, I had a killer body back then but I just did not see it.
It was not until I got older, and yes, wider not to be confused with wiser, did I realize that everyone usually has something they are critical of about themselves, especially their body. Most are so worried about their own stuff they won't even pay attention to the stuff you are worried about.
Enjoy meeting new people and concentrate on having fun, do what feel comfortable for you and it will get easier.



_____________________________

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RE: Overcoming shyness... - 11/14/2006 7:52:47 PM   
Marquisd


Posts: 61
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		Hey Squeak.

Public play and parties are not for everyone. So, if you do not feel comfortable - don't go. A few folks in the community do things just behind their own closed door (some consider it kinky to leave the lights on! OMG!!).

Do what feels comfortable to you and try not to orient yourself on what others perceive to be the norm. (God knows I am not the norm, hehe)

have fun on your journey

cheers

M.

_____________________________

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