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counseling? - 11/13/2006 6:51:41 PM

mistergrey

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

Hello, I classified myself as a switch that leans toward submissiveness, but really deep down I want to serve a Dominant Woman who will control me. I had a little experience with a Domme, but I thought that maybe I wasn't really as submissive as I thought. I feel a lot of pressure from other areas that make me veer away from my submissive role, and I worry sometimes how it will look if I am "outed" one day in public. I was wondering if there was any professional counseling for those who believe in female supremacy. I live in the philadelphia area (south jersey) and would prefer to actually go to an in person counselor who I can trust to keep my identity and personal information confidential. I am not seeking a "Domme session" or scene. I want a counselor (I believe it should be female, I just wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a male. I do not believe that is their role.) Does anyone know of any in the local philly area or a counselor highly recommended enough that I should fly to. I need thelp in figuring out who I am and dealing with my sometimes contradictory thoughts. Thanks for any info you can provide.

< Message edited by mistergrey -- 11/13/2006 7:26:21 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: counseling? - 11/13/2006 7:18:58 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

What exactly do you want to go to counseling for?

To help you get over your kinky feelings?

Learn to accept them?

Learn to intergrate them more into your everyday life?

You'll have to answer those motivating questions before you'll be able to choose a good therapist. And yes, it is your choice. Don't just pick one, make appointment, pay them the full fee for their time, but make it clear you are looking for a good therapy match. Be upfront about what you are into and gauge how they react. You don't like the react, pay them and move onto the next therapist on your list.

It may take a while to find someone who can help you along the path you wish to go but the time is well spent. Seeing just any old therapist or a supposed "kink-friendly" one is not guareentee of good help.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 2

RE: counseling? - 11/13/2006 7:39:38 PM

mistergrey

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

I guess I want to learn to acept them and incorporate them into my life. I would like to be able to eventually serve a Mistress full heartedly full time without reservation. With my contrary thoughts I don't know how well I could serve one. I don't know exactly. I feel confused, and I'd just like someone to talk to about it, but I don't feel I can share it with family or friends around here. Thank you for your advice TammyJo.

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 3

RE: counseling? - 11/13/2006 7:44:20 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

I am not sure exactly why you feel the need for a therapist, however; I would suggest that we all are on a path of self discovery. Somedays that path is covered in fog and you can't see if your stepping in crap or walking along the yellow brick road.

I personally beleive this is especially true if someone is rather new to the something.I also beleive this is a journey that NEVER ends because we are forever changing, evolving, and growing.

Regardless of the label you where I hope you find peace within yourself.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Here are some things I would seriously think about.

How long have you been actively involved in the lifestyle?(IF you are new to the lifestyle I would suggest going to munches and observing before worrying about what label you will wear)

How active have you been?

How do you define the term switch?

How do you define the term submissive?

Why do you beleive yourself to be a switch?

Why do you beleive yourself to be a submissive?

Why do you want a Domme?

Why do you fear being outed ?

What steps can you take to ensure your privacy in regards to what ever lifestyle choices you make?

Why do I want to go to a therapist?

What do I need from them?

What do I expect from them?

< Message edited by nikaa -- 11/13/2006 7:48:09 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 4

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 6:31:25 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

I'm sorry that folks have taken you to task to argue about your adult decision to go and talk to someone outside of your personal circle about your interests. I personally applaud you and wish you the best.

Now, as for what you're looking for. I have two resources, and both come with references. I have not been counseled by either, however, I have taken classes by Nan and have friends who counsel with both recommended individuals.

*********************************
1. I would HIGHLY recommend Nan Wise who is located up in the metro NYC area.

http://www.psychology.com/therapist/wise.htm

http://www.outrageousintimacy.com/

And this is her listing from the Kink Aware Professionals guide on the NCSF website. She'll be presenting a special workshop series at the Poly Living Conference here in Philadelphia in February and is a friend of my personal circle.

Nan Wise, LCSW, ACSW, Diplomate, The American Psychotherapy Association. Board Eligible Hypnotherapist, The National Board for Certified Clinical Hypnotherapists. 15 Village Plaza, South Orange, NJ 07079, 973-632-0625, 5/. Individuals, couples, triads, etc. Alternative Healing for the alternative community: gay, poly, pagan, S&M,etc. I have twenty years of experience as a psychotherapist and use an eclectic approach based on the needs of the client incorporating hypnotherapy, Neurolinguistic Programming, Cognitive Therapy, Yoga, meditation, and emotional release work. I am polyamorous and have extensive personal and professional experience in the field of relationship healing, spiritual psychotherapy,, tantra and Yoga and am a writer for Loving More Magazine. I do phone sessions as well as office sessions. Fees by arrangement.

2. There is also another highly recommended group -- Institute for Personal Growth -- in central NJ that put out some advertising in the recent leather contest ad books. I know a few kink-involved folks within the local community who have sought out personal counseling very specific to SM-issues at this place. Dr. Nichols has a huge part of her website dedicated to GLBT and BDSM issues -- http://ipgcounseling.com/other_services.html

< Message edited by MisPandora -- 11/14/2006 6:34:20 AM >

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 5

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 6:55:26 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistergrey

I guess I want to learn to acept them and incorporate them into my life. I would like to be able to eventually serve a Mistress full heartedly full time without reservation. With my contrary thoughts I don't know how well I could serve one. I don't know exactly. I feel confused, and I'd just like someone to talk to about it, but I don't feel I can share it with family or friends around here. Thank you for your advice TammyJo.

There are two types of therapist I think could help you -- they won't be doing anything related to BDSM specifically but they will help you make better choices and feel more confident in the choices you make.

The first would be a general therapist, a psychologist or a social worker type of training. You don't need a psychiatrist -- they are more expensive and you aren't looking for drugs here just personal growth.

The second would be a kink-aware therapist like MisPandora suggests. I don't know how their rates compare and just because someone is kink-aware does not mean she/he will be a good match for you.

Your body, your mind, your emotions and your money so chose carefully and wisely.

I'll also second MisPandora's suggestion you get involved in some group -- in fact, groups. Try some munches, some workshops, I'd stay away from clubs and parties for now until you feel more accepting of your desires. Just seeing that others have similar desires and that they are real people can be amazingly positive for individual acceptance but you must learn to also accept it just in yourself and for yourself because groups might not always exist where you live.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 6

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 8:13:38 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
I'll also second MisPandora's suggestion you get involved in some group -- in fact, groups. Try some munches, some workshops, I'd stay away from clubs and parties for now until you feel more accepting of your desires. Just seeing that others have similar desires and that they are real people can be amazingly positive for individual acceptance but you must learn to also accept it just in yourself and for yourself because groups might not always exist where you live.

Thanks for the credit, but that wasn't me. I generally think if someone is having thoughts to see someone outside of their personal circle because of a struggle....I'd rather see them come to grips with that stuff before they bring it into a group environment, or even to me personally as a domina. I might have alot of background in crisis intervention and grief counseling, but it's not my job in the dungeon and in my personal life to be the Interventionist. That's what these folks get paid the big bucks for!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 7

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 8:15:53 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

(fast reply)
Now after seeing the OP's profile, I'll re-emphasize the recommendation of Nan Wise. She may also be able to put you in touch with some meditation, and other alternative healing methods like reiki or yoga that may bring you to center and to find some clarity in your search.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 8

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 9:44:03 AM

notsurebutsweet

Posts: 36
Joined: 10/28/2006
Status: offline

i am in the philadelphia area myself. try friends hospital no it is not what people think it is they do have consulers. you may also want to try The Darkside and talk to other switches there. it is a bdsm club and they do hold all kind of meetings.

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 9

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 9:47:55 AM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: notsurebutsweet

try friends hospital no it is not what people think it is they do have consulers.

FH does not have an on-faculty BDSM specialist who is female, much less staff that is fetish/SM friendly. (And that comes from their Nursing Manager!)

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to notsurebutsweet)

Post #: 10

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 11:16:11 AM

MistressYlwa

Posts: 263
Joined: 8/25/2005
Status: offline

MisPandora has given some excellent resources. There is a good therapist that NCSF lists, that might be suitable for you. Her name is Marcia Kimball and she is in Philadelphia.

Marcia Kimball, MS, 1126 East Passyunk Ave, #4, Philadelphia, PA 19147, 215-468-2111 (please leave message with best time to call).

As a member of NCSF and a psychotherapist, I feel that it is not important why someone asks for help. The fact that they have is sufficient. A therapist is more qualified to determine whether that individual does or does not need assistance. To make that determination, based on one post, is not possible. Nor should anyone attempt to.

Good luck and hope you find the answers you are seeking.

Mistress Ylwa

_____________________________

Mistress Ylwa

You see what power is - holding someone elses fear in your hand and showing it to them! - Amy Tan

(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 11

RE: counseling? - 11/14/2006 12:34:40 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

The reason I didn't list her is because that listing is outdated and she's long since married and moved from the area with her slave/husband.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressYlwa

MisPandora has given some excellent resources. There is a good therapist that NCSF lists, that might be suitable for you. Her name is Marcia Kimball and she is in Philadelphia.

Marcia Kimball, MS, 1126 East Passyunk Ave, #4, Philadelphia, PA 19147, 215-468-2111 (please leave message with best time to call).

As a member of NCSF and a psychotherapist, I feel that it is not important why someone asks for help. The fact that they have is sufficient. A therapist is more qualified to determine whether that individual does or does not need assistance. To make that determination, based on one post, is not possible. Nor should anyone attempt to.

Good luck and hope you find the answers you are seeking.

Mistress Ylwa

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to MistressYlwa)

Post #: 12

RE: counseling? - 11/16/2006 6:15:22 PM

MstrsOrlando

Posts: 7
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

http://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap/psycho.htm

The website above will hopefully link you to a list of therapist that are kink oriented.
It's a site put up by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

I hoped I've helped.
Blessings -
Mistress Orlando

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 13

RE: counseling? - 11/17/2006 12:58:49 AM

firefey

Posts: 144
Joined: 1/25/2005
Status: offline

i think miss pandora has given you some good places to look for a therapist. however, i have to disagree that going it alone and not joining a group is a good idea. no, you should not look to find someone to get involved with. yes, you should talk to bdsm lifstyle people to get an idea how this is done in the real world. yes, by all means, combine this with therapy. and realise that there are dommes out there that would relish the chance to try and fix you. be wary of those, and get refferences if you decide to pursue something, but make friends within the community. they may also have some good therapists to reccomend.

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 14

RE: counseling? - 11/17/2006 9:22:17 AM

LadyKmtl

Posts: 39
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline

I think you really have to do what works for you. Being into BDSM shouldn't change the fact that you should shop around for a thereapist. Someone who makes you comfortable and is sensitive to your lifestyle. Having a bad experience with a therapist is probably one of the worst things someone can go through, and it's not necessarily because they're a bad therapist, they may just be the bad therapist for you...

(in reply to firefey)

Post #: 15

RE: counseling? - 11/17/2006 9:34:28 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

quote:

deep down I want to serve a Dominant Woman who will control me. I had a little experience with a Domme, but I thought that maybe I wasn't really as submissive as I thought. I feel a lot of pressure from other areas that make me veer away from my submissive role, and I worry sometimes how it will look if I am "outed" one day in public.

If you need a therapist then some good ones have been listed above.
I think the thing missing here is pretty simple...you're normal. Yes other people have experiences as they evolve that make them question which side butters their muffin. Yes, other people have worries of the consequences of being outed. Yes it may take a while to decide how deep your submission goes.
Being up-front and telling a potential partner your fears, that you're new and working through the evolution together is the most practical step.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to LadyKmtl)

Post #: 16

RE: counseling? - 11/18/2006 3:55:47 PM

mistergrey

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

I thank everyone for their comments and suggestions and am in the procees of putting good advice to work. I will post my results later. maybe much later as time has passed and I have a better grasp on who I am. Thank you all for your comments.

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 17

RE: counseling? - 11/18/2006 8:48:39 PM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistergrey

I thank everyone for their comments and suggestions and am in the procees of putting good advice to work. I will post my results later. maybe much later as time has passed and I have a better grasp on who I am. Thank you all for your comments.

Just so you know, therapy won't be a one or two time deal and then you are magically ok with yourself. It could take months or even years depending on why you feel the way you do currently and how much work and change you can do on your own between sessions.

A lot if not most people really seriously under-estimate the time committment that therapy and self-growth/change is then they give up after a few sessions which in my opinion only makes it more difficult to work on things later.

In fact, in my experience and those of folks I know who go through therapy for a variety of reasons, it make hurt a damn lot before it feels like things are getting better. That is part of the process, sometimes we will only change when we really feel that hurt and need it to change. Sometimes we have to break down our barriers (which hurts) so we can see more clearly.

< Message edited by thetammyjo -- 11/18/2006 8:49:59 PM >

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistergrey)

Post #: 18

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