Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

Overprotective Subs?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Overprotective Subs? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 7:26:58 AM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Hello All,

I have searched the posts in the archives and found nothing on the subject, but maybe I’m missing it, so I’d appreciate any guidance to past links if they are available..

OK, I know I am suppose to be the one in charge of the relationships I am currently involved in. However, my live in sub often becomes critical, not overtly so, but has expressed negative opinions about others who I involve myself with. For instance, when the phone rings and a certain name is displayed on Caller ID and he sees it and I will mutter something in discontent as I go to answer, he will tell me before I pick the phone up, "just don't answer it!" Though it sounds like he is telling me what to do and we have communicated this as well as the feelings of jealousy that may be an issue, he clearly states he has no problems with me sharing my attentions. What he does claim is that he wants to protect me from others who have brought me down. I always have felt that I have a good judgment of character, but admit that sometimes I get tangled up in certain people’s behaviors that have later left me feeling more than a bit disappointment. I recognize that sometimes this can interfere in my attitudes and have an impact on my one on one time with my live in, but I really feel like he is dictating me and who I should talk to. He claims that isn't the case, but that is what it feels like to me. I know he means well, I just don’t know what to make of the fact that he needs to “protect” me as much as I want to protect him and it has me wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

I have read about many relationships where a Master/Mistress feels the need to protect their own, but I do not find anything regarding a sub doing the same. So my question is, do submissive/slaves have a desire to protect their owners as much as their owners want to protect them?

Thanks in advance for your replies.
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 7:32:25 AM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Sounds alot like pure jealousy to me. He may deny it but is certainly seems like jealousy.  It one thing to be protective but the behavior he seems to exhibit is jealousy. Best thing to do is nip it in the bud now before things get much worse. Maybe finding out why he has these insecurites may help to find the root of the problem.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 11/14/2006 7:33:13 AM >

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 7:45:13 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		I agree with sweetnurseBBW on this. You need to let him know who is on charge. Unless you want to Switch.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 7:45:56 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NINASHARP
For instance, when the phone rings and a certain name is displayed on Caller ID and he sees it and I will mutter something in discontent as I go to answer, he will tell me before I pick the phone up, "just don't answer it!"

Maybe he's growing weary of you talking to people you don't want to be talking to.  I was with a Dom once who was always complaining about the way things were in a particular situation, yet never did anything to change it.  My respect for him began to drain as a result. That's what came to mind when I read this.

Also, one thing my Master has always assured me and which has always rang true for me - his dealings with other submissives/slaves will never affect our relationship.  That was probably the main reason I was able to overcome my insecurity and jealousy when he spends times with others - because it has no impact on our relationship whatsoever.  Yet you are saying your interactions can at times have a direct negative impact on him, affecting your attitude and time with him...

I do not mean to be harsh but it sounds to me like he is trying to cope with a frustrating situation.

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 8:16:51 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		To add to what Owned said, while I voice my opinions on who my partners choose to relate with, I also know that my voice carries great sway and am careful to shape my opinions so that they will always still feel free to choose for themselves.  I don't have veto power, and really don't want it (as much as I really DO want it sometimes).

Perhaps you think he's speaking a bit of the truth, feeling guilty and torn about these other relationships already, and his comments are simply making an annoying situation worse?

Obviously, talk to him about how he makes you feel, and figure out how to straighten up your other relationships and make them a fulfilling addition to your life as they should be- not a drain.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 9:02:24 AM   
Lashra


Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline 		My sub is very protective of me, just as I am of him. I think when two people care and love each other that it is just natural. But that does not mean he would tell me to whom I could communicate with or be friends with. He knows I would not stand for this type of behavior, it is not his place.

In your subs case it does sound like jealousy and perhaps even his own variety of domination. He is trying to control you to a degree but views it as "protecting" you. I think you two need to have a talk and you tell him that YOUR the one in charge and he has forgotten his place. Sometimes subs do need to be reminded, just as we Dom/mes sometimes need that reminder as well. Over time relationships do tend to become relaxed and the lines a bit blurred. I think a discussion about who is in what role may fix your problem.

Good luck,
~Lashra


_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”






(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 10:03:36 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If you get off the phone and are dragged down each time, yet allow the same person to do this to you repeatedly, then of course you are eroding his respect for you. If you don't have the control to determine when you can effectively talk to someone you dread talking to, then where do you get off claiming to be able to control someone else. The phone is for your convenience, not everyone else's unless you're on call for work.

Now if your mother always calls up right before dinner and keeps you on the phone an hour, so the dinner he cooked is always dried out and unappetizing and you are then tired and hungry and take that out on him, you're at fault.

In the meantime, suggest ways he rephrases it. "Please don't answer now, wait until after dinner". You can take his suggestion or not but it will then sound like a suggestion.

(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 10:05:50 AM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Ok this isnt exactly the same but it shows how I am protective of my Master!
This is a thread I did about 2 weeks ago

http://www.collarchat.com/m_658366/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#658366

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to Lashra)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 11:25:30 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		 You mentioned you have been feeling disappointed lately by getting tangled up in other peoples behaviours, from what you've also said, you've shared those feelings with your submissive. I know the following shouldn't be true, but is in a lot of cases.....once someone confides in someone about something they are feeling irky about, the other person can assume the position of power in their own mind.

I think your position needs to be re-asserted within the relationship, jealousy involved or not.....the roles have been unbalanced.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 12:54:51 PM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		Thanks to all for the replies.

Let me clarify something about the phone situation, which was just one example of many I could have used. Usually it is regarding some close family members and/or vanilla friendships. I probably shouldn't express aloud my feelings about certain people, but I live with my sub and have been for almost 8 years now, so it is hard to keep everything inside and not to sometimes get pulled down by certain conversations, even if I have really nothing to do with the reasons why they take place. Yet,  my not answering the phone has not always been an option.

I do agree with some of the views and especially grateful for the link from MagiksSlave. We have communicated whether protection (sometimes it feels more like attempting to control) is really needed on my behalf.  And yes there has been a struggle of power and yes, slavejali, it is out of balance, but has been for several years now. I came into the relationship as a slave, and he my Master and now the roles have been reversed and have been this way for quite sometime. (Wow, 5 years now) This is what we both are most comfortable with, me as his mistress and he as my submissive.

I think we will comunicate again about this type of behavior the next time it occurs. I was just curious as if others would view this type of behavior as him being protective or as it semed like it was more controlling, because that is how it feels at times.   I understand from a submissive point wanting to protect the ones from harm, however, never as a slave nor as his mistress,  would I ever try to tell someone who they should communicate with regardless, since I beleive in the benefits of trusting each other as consenting adults. Thanks for listening.

Nina

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 1:14:26 PM   
Shylahgirl


Posts: 167
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		Speaking from my personal experience as a live in 24/7 submissive to a non-monogamous Dom., yes at times I think that all submissives do feel a little protective of their Dom./Domme. I know that when my Dom. is called a name by another, Dom. or sub., I get upset.
 
Much of it can stem from insecurity about their role in the relationship and if they feel their place is permanent or not. I see insecurity like this mostly in male submissives most of the time, but it’s not exclusively a male thing.
 
Protection is, in my opinion, a Dominant trait and should only be the submissives responsibility if asked for.
 
It sounds to me like you’re sub. Just needs a little reassurance.
 
Shylah

_____________________________



(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 1:55:16 PM   
MistressSassy66


Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		bishop can be protective if she hears Me get upset.
she doesnt always like the male submissives(personality clash) which can be hard at times.But not so hard that I would give it up.

I have had some jealous male submissives in the past,they say its not that,but I can see the body language and tone of voice change so its not hard to tell how they feel.I have in the past tried to protect them from being hurt(with jealousy) the fact is though I also have a business,so anyone who wants to be in any type of relationship with Me has to be able to deal with it.

I would not tolerate the negative comments...I'm the kind of person who is more likely to shove it in their face the more they complain about it.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 2:11:08 PM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Perhaps it has nothing to do with D/s.  Perhaps he's just tired of you doing "dumb" things (no offense).

As being in a situation similiar - i can say yes its a protective thing and its also a "dumb" thing.  Dominants arent perfect, nor do they see everything.  As submissives, you are their eyes and ears (and thoughts).  It is what i would consider a disservice to not speak up. 

edited to add :  i never told my Dom not to speak to the offending party, i just notified him of what i saw going on.  It is up to the Dom to decide and up to us subs if we want to put up with it.  Though i will say, i did speak to the girl.  (she looooooves to contact me) 

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 11/14/2006 2:14:38 PM >

(in reply to MistressSassy66)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 2:27:11 PM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl

Speaking from my personal experience as a live in 24/7 submissive to a non-monogamous Dom., yes at times I think that all submissives do feel a little protective of their Dom./Domme. I know that when my Dom. is called a name by another, Dom. or sub., I get upset.
 
Much of it can stem from insecurity about their role in the relationship and if they feel their place is permanent or not. I see insecurity like this mostly in male submissives most of the time, but it’s not exclusively a male thing.
 
Protection is, in my opinion, a Dominant trait and should only be the submissives responsibility if asked for.
 
It sounds to me like you’re sub. Just needs a little reassurance.
 
Shylah


Holy Shit! You mean all this time I have been enjoying all the rewards of being dominant in my relationships, and all the while I am really just confused about who I am as a sexually dominant woman?? Well hell then let me personally thank you ever so gracifully for giving me the reassurance I've been searching for all these years. LOL! 

(in reply to Shylahgirl)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 4:11:01 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		Nina I also at first read it as she was calling you a sub but if you re-read it what she said was that your sub needed needed reassurance....just trying to clarify.....Tempting

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 5:02:28 PM   
NINASHARP


Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline 		I don't known there, Tempting, she might really be onto something here.  

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 5:57:32 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Nina,

There could be a MYRIAD of reasons why he is acting this way.  It does seem to boil down to control issues of ONE sort or another ... but one thing that sticks in my craw over this ...

Men (gross generalities) are hard-wired to be protectors.  Cultural mores reinforce this hard-wiring.  TO be sure though, it sounds like it is out of genuine concern for you.

I don't know exactly what his problem is, and therefore could not even GUESS at a solution ... except communication, communication, communication!

fergus

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Overprotective Subs? - 11/14/2006 6:15:05 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		It is not his job to protect you from yourself. You're an adult and can choose the relationships you want. The only power he has it to choose to leave in he gets tired of your perceived bad choices.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to NINASHARP)
Profile   Post #: 18
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Overprotective Subs? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094