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What do you think? - 11/14/2006 11:52:41 AM

Shylahgirl

Posts: 167
Joined: 8/28/2006
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This is a two-part question. Just something that has been floating around in my head for a while.

It’s just something I really would like some input on.

Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?

I’ve noticed this with many new submissives… there’s usually, from what I’ve seen, a huge leaning to wanting to be dominant at first before they get to know the lifestyle a little better.

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

In my experience a lot of these people want to be hurt and humiliated because they think that they deserve no better and need to be punished. (I’ve just met a few people like this and have a hard time understanding why they’d think submission is a way of punishing your self)

This is just me being curious. I hope these questions don’t offend anyone.

Shylah

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RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 12:10:32 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
Status: offline

I'll take a stab at this.

i think you need to survey a larger crowd first off. When you get that survey done, i'll take another stab at it

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 12:13:58 PM

Shylahgirl

Posts: 167
Joined: 8/28/2006
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This is just a question coming from my experinces, not a generalization.

Shylah

p.s.
Sorry i posted more then one poste... my computer is acting funny.

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RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 12:31:06 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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Sure i dont mind you posting it twice. But i think you're doing poor Ron in. I suggest you offer him a drop of something. I'd say something like whiskey for him. Though i could be wrong. Maybe go with something sedate like red wine.

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 2:34:46 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RiotGirl

Sure i dont mind you posting it twice. But i think you're doing poor Ron in. I suggest you offer him a drop of something. I'd say something like whiskey for him. Though i could be wrong. Maybe go with something sedate like red wine.

What about Sambouca? Always works well for me....

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 5

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 2:48:41 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
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From: another planet
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Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?
I personally never thought i was dominant.
Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?
I didn't have self esteem issues when i entered the lifestyle. I do now but thats a different story lol.

As has been said before i think you need to research this theory a little more.

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Post #: 6

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 5:52:28 PM

RiotGirl

Posts: 3149
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quote:

What about Sambouca? Always works well for me....

em, i'm more a straight shot of vodka, canadian mist, capt morgan, tequilia sorta girl. I dont branch out much...

if you say Sambouca is good, then i suggest we offer it to Ron so he can stop seeing double = )

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 7

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 6:18:48 PM

Celeste43

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From: NYS
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Don't know about part one. However about part two, it may come from the fact that those of us with submissive personalities who did not know about D/s sought to get our needs met by picking partners who appeared to be dominant but instead were domineering. Control freaks who were out of control themselves. Thus the sub winds up in an abusive relationship where their self esteem is battered.

For myself I hadn't even heard the words dominant or submissive prior to three years ago and only then did I realize what it was I truly needed. And at that point I could refine my search so that I sought a dominant male did not have anger management problems, who sought to build me up and not down, and who is protective. Quite honestly, prior to learning about this I never thought I could get what I needed. And I didn't know that what I needed, a dominant male partner who was into bondage, existed.

(in reply to RiotGirl)

Post #: 8

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 6:23:08 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
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From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?

I have not experienced this personally or with others. I have actually seen the opposite on a couple of occasions though.

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

Maybe they never felt free enough to come out of their shell before they came to know this lifestyle which, to me personally, has been a springboard to freedom from the tightly sealed box that I once allowed myself to live in.

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Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 9

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 6:25:41 PM

Daddysredhead

Posts: 23574
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From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Don't know about part one. However about part two, it may come from the fact that those of us with submissive personalities who did not know about D/s sought to get our needs met by picking partners who appeared to be dominant but instead were domineering. Control freaks who were out of control themselves. Thus the sub winds up in an abusive relationship where their self esteem is battered.

For myself I hadn't even heard the words dominant or submissive prior to three years ago and only then did I realize what it was I truly needed. And at that point I could refine my search so that I sought a dominant male did not have anger management problems, who sought to build me up and not down, and who is protective. Quite honestly, prior to learning about this I never thought I could get what I needed. And I didn't know that what I needed, a dominant male partner who was into bondage, existed.

I second this post... even the time frame is similar to mine.

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 10

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 6:42:35 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
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From: Charleston, WV
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My guess is, when and if this happens, it's all due to self worth issues and feelings of disempowerment.

Master Fire

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(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 11

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 6:55:54 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I have always identified with being submissive in my years with the lifestyle. I enjoy pain because I like it. Not because I feel I do not deserve any better. I do not have self esteem issues. It like anything else. Those of all types join in the lifestyle. Whether it be ones with esteem, mental or other issues.

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Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 12

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 7:48:24 PM

Lorelei115

Posts: 1933
Joined: 8/16/2006
From: Sin City
Status: offline

[
Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?
I can't speak for others, of course, but I was submissive when I entered the lifestyle. It was what I thought followed naturally to a shy, laid back kind of girl who likes pain and making others happy.
Turns out though, I really like hitting people, too. Really.

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

I actually had a deep seated hatred for this kind of life until I finally realized that it WASN'T about self-esteem issues, but rather people taking pride in who they are and what they enjoy. Non consensual violence actually makes me physically ill, and it wasn't until I understood the true nature of the power exchange that I became comfortable with WIITWD.

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A sucessful life is not measured by what we do
But by the realization
Of who we are.

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 8:04:08 PM

MsKatHouston

Posts: 1909
Joined: 6/7/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline

quote:

Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?

This is the opposite from what I have seen. In fact, I almost always see people come in as submissive. The exceptions to this are sometimes with males and Ithink that's a defense mechanism. Once they get comfortable they switch it up. But barring my personal experience, I will take a stab at the reasons for switching later on. Sometimes people get into the scene knowing they have an interest but are simply unsure of where they fall in the spectrum. So they flip a coin or something. Then as they gain experience they move into what is most comfortable for them.

quote:

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

Also, I have not seen this on a large scale. It takes some courage to come out into this. Perhaps if you see this it is possible you are misinterpreting cautiousness and fear with self esteem issues. They do happen, though, and this could be because they have not gotten what they wanted to fulfill them in other venues. I think self esteem issues are very personal and vary greatly between individuals. But, as a whole, those of us who are in the real time BDSM scene are generally pretty accepting of others regardless of body style, orientation, etc. This may draw people who feel as if they are outsiders and are looking for acceptance within the right group. Once they find it, they blossom.

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-Kat

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(in reply to Lorelei115)

Post #: 14

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 9:57:40 PM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lorelei115

[
Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?
I can't speak for others, of course, but I was submissive when I entered the lifestyle. It was what I thought followed naturally to a shy, laid back kind of girl who likes pain and making others happy.
Turns out though, I really like hitting people, too. Really.

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

I actually had a deep seated hatred for this kind of life until I finally realized that it WASN'T about self-esteem issues, but rather people taking pride in who they are and what they enjoy. Non consensual violence actually makes me physically ill, and it wasn't until I understood the true nature of the power exchange that I became comfortable with WIITWD.

Pretty much how I came into the lifestyle. I also identified first as a submissive, then became aware of my own dominant side around certain types. Certain people brought that out in me and helped me develop to the thinking level that I am at now. Though perhaps not so much about the hitting other people. I'm more into mental domination rather than physical. But that's all I know as of yet, I've had no chance to really physically dominate someone. Not to any real extent. It took me a while for me to really come to terms with WIITWD within myself. There was a lot of soul searching and fights within me before I really came to see it for what it really was, not just the assholes and the abusers that use the Lifestyle as an excuse or a scape goat.

As for self esteem problems....well. We all have our moments. I've actually seen more people with very grounded and solid self-esteem levels and mostly due to the lifestyle. The acceptance, the adoration from their subs, the building up by the dominants.

While we might not always have great self esteem, and yes some might start out with little to no self-esteem, the kind of acceptance that I've seem within this very broad group of kinky people...I've seen and managed to even boost my own self esteem and even help others to boost theirs.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to Lorelei115)

Post #: 15

RE: What do you think? - 11/14/2006 10:17:32 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
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Came in submissive and stayed submissive. Don't see myself as having self esteem problems. I am who i am, take me or leave me. Just me and that is more than most!

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Post #: 16

RE: What do you think? - 11/15/2006 1:18:09 AM

leatherzack

Posts: 59
Joined: 7/13/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl
Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?

Maybe they think that it is easier to be submissive at start ... as they think they'll jsut have to do as they're told.
Or they truly think that they are submissive but finally end by trying to top from the bottom.

But i entered the lifestyle as a submissive and i haven't changed my orientation since that time. i just discovered the real menaing of submissiveness.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl
Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

i do have a problem with my self-esteem. But it doesn't mean i am submissive because i feel that it is what i deserve.
It is both a will and a need for me to be submissive, but because i like to please, serve and worship, not because i am worthless and just deserve to be treated that way.
But maybe having self-esteem problems help to care more about the menaing of the relationship with others.

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 17

RE: What do you think? - 11/15/2006 2:19:32 AM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Shylahgirl
Part one: Why is it when first entering the BDSM lifestyle so many people, more often then not say they are dominant rather then submissive?

I’ve noticed this with many new submissives… there’s usually, from what I’ve seen, a huge leaning to wanting to be dominant at first before they get to know the lifestyle a little better.

Part two: Why is it that some new submissives that I’ve seen who come into the lifestyle wanting to be submissive usually have some kind of self esteem problem?

In my experience a lot of these people want to be hurt and humiliated because they think that they deserve no better and need to be punished. (I’ve just met a few people like this and have a hard time understanding why they’d think submission is a way of punishing your self)
[/quote

Part one: I am submissive, always have been. Interestingly one of the first ever Dommes I met told me how she began as a sub and became a Domme. Her take on things was that she didnt feel she could be a good Domme without first having been the sub. Another thing I found odd about her, though it may be a trend I am not aware of, she was submissive in all aspects of her life, except her sex life where she was/is Domme.

Part two: I certainly see the same as you all too often - ie some (not all) subs do or have had some self-esteem problems. Some are abuse survivors which can cause them to want to be hurt or humiliated. Another friend, a sub, has a severe need and desire to be physically hurt and punished during sex as she believes she deserves to be "punished" for some reason not know to her. I am with you, why she feels that being submissive is a way to "punish" herself I dont know, but then neither does she.
As for me personally I have suffered the depths of low self-esteem, but I dont believe thats why I am submissive. I have been and am very strong and fight for what I have needed in life etc I just have the desire to give myself to my Master, be his and do as he wishes, to be free of making decisions and to worship him. By giving myself up to him, being his sub, almost slave it actually gives me my freedom, not takes it

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Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to Shylahgirl)

Post #: 18

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