Drowning in criticism (Full Version)

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sashaa -> Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 4:36:51 AM)

Hi all
Just to warn those of you who might want to skip this its a very whiny negative post
***leaving room so you can click the X here***
LOL

I am wondering what my options are, I am newly married to my dom who had always been a rock of strength to me. Last several months, say around 4, things have slowly become shockingly different.

At work and at home I thought I was imagining it at first but I've become the subject of a scary amount of criticism of every kind. It's not just if I do something wrong or make a mistake and get corrected. It's almost a mob-like swarming and the comments are often off the wall and nonsensical. Since I started keeping track (to make sure I wasn't just being paranoid or imagining things I started keeping a log) I have been put-down an average of 25 times each day more or less (I am not counting constructive criticism but "you-suck" kinds of comments).

I won't go through a lot of examples but given just a couple, at work I was told off for faking a sick day even thought I brought in a hospital record that I was there overnight for gallbladder surgery. At home for example I was told first things in the morning that my dom was furious with me because he was certain that I was going to ruin his time at a play-party we had scheduled that evening because I was going to fall asleep by 8 pm and we'd miss the fire play demo at midnight (I asked him why he thought so, and he said it was because I "always" do it, even though I haven't a single time!).

These kinds of comments are happening constantly every day now it's gotten worse and worse. None of them make any real sense when I sit down and try to work them out, or they are predictors of future bad behavior that never occurs, so that I don't know what to say in my defense or how to behave more agreeably.

Lately it's gotten to me so that I'm feeling inhuman and as if I can do nothing right. I know that I've been trying my best as objectively as I can. I am wondering is there something I am doing to bring this on myself? I spoke to a few people who like me at work and they totally agree that I seem to have become the scapegoat, so it's not my imagination. Furthermore this same thing has happened at every job I've had so there's a definite predictable pattern emerging.

Of course I don't have anyone I can ask about the same thing about my dom, but the critical comments are similar in that they both aren't true and hold no constructive value in teaching me how to fix whatever mistake I've been accused of.

Anyone ever had anything similar happen or have any insight??
I am drowning here and trying not to slip into a deep depression.



sweetnurseBBW -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 5:07:35 AM)

I couldn't be with someone like that. Confront him and find out what the real problem is.



imtempting -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 5:09:15 AM)

Perhaps you should talk to your partner about your feelings and thoughts and not in a sub'dom way but a vanilla way.

Also how long had you been seeing him before getting married?





petcerina -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 5:35:09 AM)

This sounds like it is bordering on an abusive relationship.  i worry for you, and i urge you to be careful.  There are instances where a girl marries a guy and then he completely changes after they are married.  i hope this is not the case.



GoddessKai -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 5:35:37 AM)

Communication is one of the foundations of building and keeping a relationship in any lifestyle. Express your concerns to your Dom, but be tactful about the way you address things. In many cases, whether it be a D/s relationship of a strictly vanilla one, one or both parties will feel persecuted depending on the way either party words their concerns. Use "I feel" instead of "You make me".
 
"I feel that I've been criticized for no reason lately, and I would like to know why and talk about it."
as opposed to
"You make me feel like I'm a loser when you criticize me for no reason."
 
If you word your concerns carefully, it could very well stay off another unnecessary outburst.
And always remember that if things progress with your Dom in a negative fashion, couples counseling might help.
 
Also, there's a line between discipline and abuse, keep that in mind.



heartfeltsub -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:04:52 AM)

Just to clarify, it is your Master/husband who is criticizing you at home, but someone else who is doing so at work, or do you also work with him and he is criticizing you at both locations? Also you said that this is a recurring pattern in your life jobwise, it is just jobwise or is it also in your personal life? Also as it is a pattern, have you thought about what might be causing this pattern?

heartfelt



iced05 -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:18:12 AM)

Are you timid dear? those people keep on bullying you



canupleaseme -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:44:47 AM)

I think you need to first address your husband as yourhusband and see why he is beinglike that is he an experienced dom? is that how he thinks doms should be over critical and unkind? Be careful , when i got married to my ex husband he was pre wedding quite lovely else i wouldnt of married him but not long after he became critical over nothing and eventually he becasme abusive im not suggesting your husband will but something you just shouldnt ignor and if you feel that its wrong then you shuld say something



windchymes -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:49:52 AM)

When men want to end a relationship, they usually start finding fault with their partner first, to justify it in their own mind.

I hope this is not the case, but.....sometimes things change after the wedding.  It sucks, but does happen. 

I can strongly recommend learning not to depend on another person to be your "rock of strength", and start counseling and self-help to develop strength of your own.  Part of the reason he may be reacting so negatively to you, might be because you're giving HIM long, whiny complaints, too!  It would be interesting to hear the other side of the story, too.

Since you're newly married, it might just be that the honeymoon is over.  I'm hearing a lot of all-about-you drama, such as, you're keeping a log of  the "mob-like swarming".  You feel "inhuman", "drowning" and "trying not to slip into a deep depression".  You talk to people at work "who like you"...are there ones who don't like you?  And, since they "agree" with your own diagnosis that YOU are the scapegoat, you let them give you the validation, even though they are not there and don't know both sides of the story, either. You speak of producing hospital records of having surgery overnight....for "faking" ONE sick day for surgery to remove an organ...why was this necessary?  If you were only off work one day, wasn't there a bandage with a surgical wound to show? We haven't heard about the possibility that HE may be dealing with job stress, or other problems and doesn't have the mental energy to come home and deal with an attention-craving wife, so he may be fending you off in advance by criticising.  Not that this is right on his part, but people don't usually lash out like that without some kind of provocation.

Truth is, every story has two sides, and the real story is somewhere in the middle.



CrazyC -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:50:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessKai

Communication is one of the foundations of building and keeping a relationship in any lifestyle. Express your concerns to your Dom, but be tactful about the way you address things. In many cases, whether it be a D/s relationship of a strictly vanilla one, one or both parties will feel persecuted depending on the way either party words their concerns. Use "I feel" instead of "You make me".
 
"I feel that I've been criticized for no reason lately, and I would like to know why and talk about it."
as opposed to
"You make me feel like I'm a loser when you criticize me for no reason."
 
If you word your concerns carefully, it could very well stay off another unnecessary outburst.
And always remember that if things progress with your Dom in a negative fashion, couples counseling might help.
 
Also, there's a line between discipline and abuse, keep that in mind.


I agree with you 100%.

To be honest we really don't know enough of your daily life to know what might be going on. Writing it down as a way of reliesing it would be alot more effective way of dealing with the hurt and pain it is causing. Then writing it all down to keep a tally. This just causes more stress and you are just reliving the insult, so you feel it twice as much as it was really intended.

The fact that this pattern is not just at home but also at work makes me wonder what you are doing. No one likes to hear they might be causing their own patterns, but at times for us to really get over it we need to do a more internal search to fix the external...or we'll just be going through the same shit diffrent day.

A good way is to look at the comments and see if by chance they could be misinterpreted on your side. There are so many times that we hear one thing and are certain we are correct when we are way in left feild. if you still feel that they are not right, then use the communication tech. Goddess Kai mentions, so you aren't putting the person in a place of having to defend themselves but rather talk about how you are taking it. They might have not realized their patterns of speech could be hurting. As as you are talking, listen and make a mental note of what they are saying.



sashaa -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 7:53:54 AM)

To answer the various questions:
Yes I am socially very timid but I bend over backward to try to make people happy and respond to criticism by trying even harder, so I don't know how the criticism keeps getting worse the harder I'm working to not repeat whatever was making them upset.

I've tried to talk to my dom in non-confrontational ways, but it leads to an escalation in that in addition to the original accusation he adds that I'm arguing and that I am to be quiet.

The people at work are not the same people as my dom, but this pattern has been recurring since childhood when I was severely (psychologically not physically/sexually) abused. Does profound childhood criticism lead one to be a special target for adult attacks? And is it human nature to attack or are there people out there who would be willing to be protective of me?

Is there something about some people that makes perfectly ordinary people feel compelled to attack others, is there an innate meanness? The people doing the most of the criticism aren't doing it to anybody else, I've been watching carefully and see them being normal and sweet/caring/respectful/cheerful to others. I have tried to stand up for myself in assertive but non-confrontative ways but it has always led to the attacker accusing me of being overly defensive (thus continuing the attack and adding the new tack to it).

Are there other submissives out there who find that they tend to become victims-at-large in social groups? I don't mean to sound whiny or give myself the role of a victim but this has become completely intolerable and I'm having severe panic attacks every day and afraid of leaving the house.



safesaneplay2 -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 8:11:17 AM)

I f you were mentally abused as a child and have not dealt with that negativity in your life then it can be carrying over into your adulthood.  You need to seek a counselor immediately and begin to deal with this for yourself.  Children who are mentally abused many times suffer from low self esteem and even excessive anger issues.  I'm not a counselor, but my children are going thru this now and Master and I work with them and their counselor everyday to undo what was done.  Believe me, it takes less time to do then undo.  As adults, we don't like to admit that we need counseling but take the step for yourself.  Peace and Happiness...sunshine



windchymes -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 8:12:15 AM)

Yes!  There are a lot of people out there in the world who do enjoy "picking on" those they consider weaker than themselves!  I repeat what I said earlier to STOP searching for "rocks of strength" and people "willing to protect you" and PLEASE seek out some counselling for yourself!  Regardless of what happened to you as a child (and I am sympathetic to that!), as long as you continue to crawl through life with your tail between your legs, people ARE going to prey on you because you're an easy target! 

You cannot win praise and affection by trying to be the nicest person in the whole wide world.  It's time to start bending over backwards to make YOU happy for a change.  I still strongly suggest some kind of counselling to deal with your childhood traumas in a healthy way, and then learning to be a stronger person yourself!  People don't respect "nice" people.  People respect strong people.  (Oprah didn't get where she is by being "nice".)  Even if you just learn to project that you're a stronger person....you'll develop real strength, and you'll be amazed at how much people start respecting you! 

In psychology, it's known that nothing unites people faster than a common enemy, in other words, having a scapegoat.  If you allow yourself to keep being that scapegoat, the patterns are going to keep recurring and recurring.  You are the only one who can start taking the steps to stop it.  And the first step is to start talking to a professional. 



mugwump -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 8:18:41 AM)

on the whole people are pack animals... every once in a while you will get the odd one with sufficient balls to swim right against the tide but usually it's a sheepsheepsheep thing - at the moment sounds like they're sheeping right in your direction. In your case i would suggest you seek some sort of counselling/confidence training to figure out why, at a core level, these insults are coming your way. Perhaps you are defensive, perhaps there is a certain mannerism that winds people up, perhaps there isn't a single thing you do that gets people's backs up, but your Dom has started picking on you, you're carrying those insecurities and the ones from your past about with you, however unknowingly, and 'attracting' negativity.
You need to find a way to build on your inner confidence. Easier said than done I know.. but without a firm foundation, anything else you try to use as defense will crumble. Do something for yourself, take up karate, go to the gym, help at an animal shelter... something that reinforces your strength of belief in yourself and allows you to switch your focus onto what you can give to yourself, not what these others can take from you.
Find a way to express to your husband, who should be one of the people on your side here.., that his comments are hurtful but that you really want to open up a productive channel of communication with him.
Don't look for 'whys' from your sub-ness; being submissive is a strength and any dom worth his salt knows that and should help you to expand on your good qualities, not chip away at your insecurities.
You have to fgure out how to be stronger and believe in your own worth...sadly, bullies will always seek out those who they can get one over on. You need to build on everything you believe in about yourself to make yourself a person who's sense of self-belief is unshakeable.
Keep your chin up sweetie... x



CrazyC -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 8:23:40 AM)

(((sasha)))

yes, your past experiences from childhood will effect you greatly! Get counciling be it from a church, a dr., or maybe a support group for those who have been abused. It will help you learn what your patterns are, and how to deal and fix them. Also it will teach you some communication techiniques and where you might be hearing one thing and it means another. i am hoping for the best. :D i know it can be done...i've had to do it!



Celeste43 -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 8:23:50 AM)

Unfortunately if you act like a victim, then bullies will target you since they know they will get away with it. If this is a big corporation, take your issues straight to HR and demand they make sure you are not in a hostile environment. But part of the problem here is that you, in order to avoid criticism, are probably twice as effective as your coworkers. You are showing them up and they are attempting to undercut you so they don't look so bad in comparison to you. Keep a log of what you have accomplished including things not asked of you.

I suggest immediate marriage counseling before the bullying progresses to physical abuse. With my ex, I would take a great deal but eventually I would tell him to go to hell and he learned that he had gone too far. I suggest you tell your husband that as you can't trust him to have his submissive's best interests at heart, you no longer feel safe being his sub. And then stick to it.

Plus individual counseling and martial arts training to help with general self esteem issues. One technique my therapist recommends is using post it notes to stick up affirmations everywhere and read them. So you go to get a glass of water and you will be reminded that you are an accomplished  cook or gardener or whatever.



AquaticSub -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 9:13:28 AM)

I would suggest that you continue your log, along with a diary of what you did, how it was received and how it made you feel. Try to be as objective as possible. When you have data down, try scripting out how you want the conservation to go. Then go talk to your dominant and explain that you have been having a very hard time at work and at home and that you don't understand what has brought on this wave of critism. Show him copies of the list (with dates) and perhaps parts of your journal. It's possible that he doesn't realize how harsh he has been on you and being shown just how much he is coming down on you might make him realize it.

However, I must agree with the others and remind you that this sounds like a case where things changed after the wedding. You can try couple therapy (there are sites out there to help you find kink and lifestyle friendly therapists) but you may have to decide if you are willing to put up with this. I wouldn't suggest it, from the information you have given.



toservez -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 9:37:04 AM)

I would really beg you to go seek some professional help. I do not think any of us can make any kind of accurate statements from what you can write us. From what you have said about yourself and your childhood you probably have a very hard time with negativity and putting it in the right context and judging other people if they are to be cared about or listen to seriously.

The problems you have could be anything from an mentally abusive husband and incompetant boss to something as simple as you not being able to take the right context of all these situations like is your husband quite sarcastic or the person at work thinks that everyone that calls in sick fakes it and it was not something to take personally at all. Now I do not want to put doubt in your mind the way your husband has talked to you is right because I seriously doubt it and many times a person in your situation puts themselves in bad places over and over again.

The first thing you have to do though it get yourself better. I really think you need to see a professional and work on your issues. How you want to deal with your husband can be before, during or after but certainly cannot hurt to sit down and talk to him about this subject. If he has a problem knowing he is doing this and will not consider trying to change and will not support you to get help then you need to really think long and hard about how healthy this relationship is for you.

My heart goes out to you. Please be selfish in this area.

Lin




TemptingNviceSub -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 9:39:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

Unfortunately if you act like a victim, then bullies will target you since they know they will get away with it. If this is a big corporation, take your issues straight to HR and demand they make sure you are not in a hostile environment. But part of the problem here is that you, in order to avoid criticism, are probably twice as effective as your coworkers. You are showing them up and they are attempting to undercut you so they don't look so bad in comparison to you. Keep a log of what you have accomplished including things not asked of you.

I suggest immediate marriage counseling before the bullying progresses to physical abuse. With my ex, I would take a great deal but eventually I would tell him to go to hell and he learned that he had gone too far. I suggest you tell your husband that as you can't trust him to have his submissive's best interests at heart, you no longer feel safe being his sub. And then stick to it.

Plus individual counseling and martial arts training to help with general self esteem issues. One technique my therapist recommends is using post it notes to stick up affirmations everywhere and read them. So you go to get a glass of water and you will be reminded that you are an accomplished  cook or gardener or whatever.
I have to agree with Celeste and with Windchymes above, both very good insight and advice...Spot on girls![sm=applause.gif]...Tempting



MagiksSlave -> RE: Drowning in criticism (11/15/2006 10:30:15 AM)

Humans are like any other animal they can sence the weekest of the heard so I wont put it past to say that you are right and that your attracting this kind of attention. I do the same thing its a hard pattern to break but recogniseing it is the first step!!!!!

Please if you need to talk sent me a private message if nothing els I can be a sounding board!!

Magik's slave



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