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CreativeDominant -> RE: An exceptional dom....advice needed please. (11/15/2006 5:35:01 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Celeste43
If he really was the right person for you then, you would have felt safe telling him the truth about what was going on in your life and allowing him to decide whether he wanted to deal with your problems or not. The fact of the matter is that you ended the relationship because you were afraid of his rejection. The fact that you considered him rejecting you to be the most likely scenario shows that either you weren't ready for a relationship, and may still not be if you haven't dealt with this, or that you were picking up on cues he gave off that allowed you to know he wouldn't ride out a bad patch.
Have to disagree with you on this one, Celeste. Your answer makes it sound as if something was wrong with him, despite the OP's post to the contrary. He could well have been the right person for her and her own issues kept her from giving him the chance to decide whether or not he wanted to deal with the problems she was facing. Even if he had not wanted to, that would not have been on him...it simply could have been a case where he would have chosen not to be a white knight. But...by the OP's admission, she did not even give him the chance to say yea or nay. It does not have to be a case of gut instinct always being right...if that were the case, there would not be any broken relationships throughout this country. We'd have all known when we had found the absolutely right one. Yet...how many women neglect the good guys courting them and who want to lift them up to take up with the "bad boy" despite everything he does to drag them down. Was their gut instinct right? What about those wives whose husbands dump them...after years of being faithful, bearing and raising their children, and being a loving, intimate partner...for the young, pretty, well-stacked "ms. thang" who dresses in Victoria's Secret (bought with his credit card, of course) and never complains about the kids (she doesn't have to, the wife has them), the struggle for money (she doesn't have to, he's already earned it), etc.? Was this a case of the wife giving off clues that she wasn't up for a threesome or for sharing her husband and so he just decided it was easier to reject and dump her rather than going to her with his inner turmoil? Or was there something that was possibly HIS issue?
The idea of rejection of someone because of gut instinct (cuz we all know how right that can always be, right?) or because they are giving off clues...without giving that person a chance to prove us wrong also reminds me of the Passive Denial thread, only with a different scenario in place. Here is a case where a submissive...though I am unclear whether she was his submissive yet or not...chose to take what she was going through "inside" herself and denied him the opportunity to prove her wrong in her feelings about whether or not he was what she hoped.
quote:
If you need closure, then certainly send him a letter explaining what was going on and what he had done to make you believe he wouldn't have been there for you. Next, write out a list of all of his exceptional qualities and add to that list all the other things you need in a partner. And keep the list in mind when meeting new people.
Take him to task for what wasn't there in HIM? Again, that makes an assumption...contrary to the OPs post...that she could not possibly have been at fault for not being communicative or honest with him or giving him a chance to demonstrate those qualities that he should have had and may have had but did not get the chance to show. Or the assumption that it could not have been her own issues that had nothing to do with him but rather from past baggage according to her thread but rather some failing on his part. Fear of rejection is her issue, not his. I have a friend who fights that fear because of what others have done to her. She also has a tendency to pick the bad boys and has been treated like fecal material by them. But she recognizes that the fear...and the waiting for the other shoe to drop with someone who is a "good guy"...is her issue.
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