Dom as secondary relationship possible?

Dom as secondary relationship possible? (Full Version)

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knkywch -> Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 1:32:03 PM)
Here's the situation... I am joyfully married to my partner who is a delightfully sadistic service top kinda guy. The very few times he has attempted to run dominant energy, it was awkward and he ended up drained. It's not in his nature to run that kind of energy. Meanwhile, I am deeply craving regular interaction and connection with someone who is both into and adept at running dominant energy. While I'm clear that there can be much overlap across sadistic and dominant behaviors and am fine with that, I seeking to connect with someone who enjoys the more mental/psychological-based energies I associate with dominance. Now, my beloved knows and supports my search for an additional relationship. We share a common value for nurturing each other and the relationship in whatever ways that takes rather than clinging to socialized models of monogamy and all the possible "cheating" drama that could entail. One major requirement I have is that if someone is interested in exploring a secondary relationship with me AND they are already in a committed primary relationship, that the other partner(s) involved must be aware of, accept, and hopefully approve/support the situation. Here are my questions... If you are a Dominant, would you consider entering into a D/s relationship with a woman who was already happily married? Could engaging in a secondary relationship be of benefit to you if you are in a similar married-and-open situation? What if you were single, and perhaps searching for a primary relationship? Possible? Too potentially emotionally difficult? Do you think it is possible for this kind of secondary-type relationship to exist, or do you think part of being dominant includes a sort of possessiveness that might preclude such a connection? Does anybody have experience in such a situation? Willing to share any wisdom from your adventures? Thanks in advance for taking time to read this. Regards, kw

HoosierScorpio -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 2:01:23 PM)
I know of some dominates who sees married women as long the husband is aware and some ground rules are in place. I also know of some situation were it got real ugly and the marriage ended in divorce. Before you do play with any one you and your husband need to set up some ground rules like no sexual contact or if that is ok with him then he need to be aware. The key is open honest communication between you and your husband. I know some who are married and the husband is ok as long he meets the guy you will be playing with. I know some who do not tell their husband for they do not care about their marriage any more. Also you need to educate your husband what you are seeking and interest in so he does not freak out when he sees bruise for the first time you will be playing with some bruise will form because you have never experience being spanked. Bottom line be open and honest with your husband who you play with.

Mercnbeth -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 2:02:40 PM)
quote: I am deeply craving regular interaction and connection with someone who is both into and adept at running dominant energy. kw, Appreciate your dilemma. You and your husband have a fantastic relationship to be open enough to discuss this desire - Congratulations! In my opinion you shouldn't be concerned about the issue of 'cheating'. You are not doing this with your husband unaware. Though your concerns about emotions are justified, on your part, your husbands, and the potential Dom. That should be the focus of future communications, even to the point of including your husband into the process of choosing the Dom. Will your husband witness and be a part of the interaction? Can you please define or give an example of what you mean by the phrase "dominant energy"? I'm assuming it is a reference to maintaining the D/s or M/s persona after the conclusion of a scene. How would that dynamic intertwine with your "joyful" marriage? Will this be 'full time', extended day's or weeks? I'm sure you'll get plenty of people responding to your request. Just beware of people pretending to be doms and practicing 'foreploy'. (Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.)

knkywch -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 2:28:31 PM)
Hi Merc & beth: Thanks for your response. The issue isn't with my husband. We have an absolutely clear, clean relationship. And, he knows exactly what I want. It's just not in his bandwidth to provide it. I do not feel submissive to him. <shrug> My questions are more to get a sense of this from the Dom folks in the audience. By dominant energy, I am trying to be inclusive of all the behaviors that might be under this umbrella term. My sense of dominant is that s/he knows exactly what s/he wants. In my experience, this is a key aspect of dominance - knowing what you want, planning for how to get it, directively communicating so as to be clearly informative/instructive to the bottom(s) involved in responding. I can see it in how someone holds themselves - bearing, eye contact, manner of speaking, etc. I suppose that after the conclusion of a scene, there could be some of that dynamic to a much lesser extent - depends on negotiations. My sense of what I want is meeting on a fairly regular basis (adjusting for life's little scheduling bumps), like a few times a month to once a week, or even some extended times -- it could vary. My desire is that the interaction not be a one-off, but rather a special type of friendship that could possibly include "normal" dates/activities (again depending on negotiations) beyond the erotic power exchange. I like "foreploy"! Unfortunately, I've encountered some of that. Fortunately, (so far) I have been able to spot the... er, foreployers. BTW, I like your choice of quote! Regards, kw

Mercnbeth -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 2:49:30 PM)
quote: My sense of what I want is meeting on a fairly regular basis (adjusting for life's little scheduling bumps), like a few times a month to once a week, or even some extended times -- it could vary. My desire is that the interaction not be a one-off, but rather a special type of friendship that could possibly include "normal" dates/activities (again depending on negotiations) beyond the erotic power exchange. kw, Do I dare say that you are describing "romance"? Romance in the traditional sense with sexual energy building to a climatic scene. That's a dance that can only be done with a connection that almost REQUIRES emotional attachment. Romance without emotion is a big demand to put on a Dom, no matter what the physical 'payoff' may be for him. True, a Dom knows what he wants. He can effect action from his sub with a subtle gesture or a raised eyebrow. That type skill and connection is developed and is the direct result of time and the exposure of self. In my opinion developing that relationship is much more dangerous to your marriage. It's also harder to find someone willing to even try it. Good luck, be safe!

knkywch -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/8/2005 5:42:43 PM)
Hi Merc & beth: Romance? Hmm... No, I don't think so. At best, friendship and caring in neutral space to do stuff out of scene (a meal, movie, whatever), or possibly very toned-down role space outside of scene. No wine or roses or any of that crap. I believe that the getting-to-know-you time outside of scene is important. To develop connection and some sense of trust, repeated exposure to the other over time is necessary. My hope is to develop friendship or quite possibly a mentor dynamic. There has to be caring, trust, good communication, even room for love to be there and not mean anything beyond itself. Yes, I want emotional connection - just not exclusive to the Dom. That's my point. That's what I am asking... Are there folks out there who have experienced or would consider such a situation? Since I've been with my partner, I have spent time with other friends that I love and with whom I've played, cuddled, and been sexual, but none of them run dominant energy with me. <shrug> I was a secondary relationship and slave to a man who dominated me and was my master years ago -- when I wasn't in a primary relationship. I remember that for me, it was hard to experience the incredible D/s intimacy with him and then go home to be alone. But I wanted the experience enough to breathe through the discomfort and deal with not having a primary while he did. And I value the experience. I came to love both him and his partner -- even got to bottom to her too! My guess is that it will probably be easier to establish a D/s relationship with someone that is also in a open and happy primary relationship and seeking a secondary one. <shrug> I have a vision that it is possible to be happily married to one person and be submissive to another. But, I would like to know if others have experienced it or could see themselves engaging in this type of experience. Thanks, kw

TolerableCruelty -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 1:35:42 AM)
I can't say as I was involved in what you describe as your "vision", but I was close enough. I was approached by a slave, happily married to her Master, but still yearning to try something new since the relationship had become somewhat stagnate. So, the plan was to involve Me as a secondary (Beta, if you will) Master, with all rights and privileges as her Primary.... with the exception that We didn't flaunt it in front of Him, which I found reasonable to accept. I showed up, stayed there for a week, had an absolutely wonderful time, and even pulled an 8 hour scene bouncing the girl off of both of Our personalities, taking her to heights she'd never dreamed of going. To say the least, We worked well together and became friendly. Right up until I left and came back home, then His insecurities kicked in dramatically. I know I'm no 1st place prize at the county fair when it comes to looks, but apparently in His mind, He was competing with Me, the 10 year younger, better built, handsomer, and just as Dominant and psychologically adept Master. long story short, after I was home and W/we resumed the relationship online, it lasted perhaps a month and a half, and she was restricted by Him to never speak to Me again, in any form. It was a learning experience, and one I'll not forget, but in My experience and mindset, I think any type of poly relationship is just eventually going to burn out, sometimes later than sooner, but it will fizzle and someone will end up getting hurt. but I'm a cynic..... Trav

perverseangelic -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 9:19:36 AM)
Oddly enough, I've recently gotten in just the same position. I found someone who is interested in exactly that- being a dominant person for someone that isn't his primary partner. Both of us have primary partners with whom we are very very happy, however both of us have desires that the primary partner isn't into. The four of us like each other, and, thus far, the situation seems to be working. Granted, it's very new, but we'll see. So....yes, there -are- individuals for whom this works, and who willingly end up in a relationship like this. I think that it's more likely you'll find someone who is already in a relationship of his/her own, and looking to add to that, but if that works for you, things are good.

TallDarkAndWitty -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 10:32:39 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: knkywch If you are a Dominant, would you consider entering into a D/s relationship with a woman who was already happily married? Quite certainly. I am currently in negotiations with a (self-identified) slave who is happily married. Her husband knows of her desires. For me, in fact, this situation is ideal, as I am not looking to date, or otherwise be 'romantically' involved with my property. quote: Could engaging in a secondary relationship be of benefit to you if you are in a similar married-and-open situation? While I am not married, I do have a primary relationship with a dominant woman. Because she is not at all submissive, I look to satisfy my ownership/dominant kink in other relationships. We have a wonderful, trust filled, open relationship, and I know that with honest and constant communication, it will work out wonderfully. quote: What if you were single, and perhaps searching for a primary relationship? Possible? Too potentially emotionally difficult? When I was single, that was still what I was looking for in my property/submissive. I knew that my primary/romantic relationship would be with a non-sub female. In my property/submissive, I needed someone who would get their romantic needs satisfied elsewhere...a person in an open relationship was always something I thought would work well for me. quote: Do you think it is possible for this kind of secondary-type relationship to exist, or do you think part of being dominant includes a sort of possessiveness that might preclude such a connection? I have the utmost confidence that it can work. I think there is a difference between being protective and being possessive. A good strong relationship, even one between Dominant and submissive, need not be one that is limited by monogamy. quote: Does anybody have experience in such a situation? Willing to share any wisdom from your adventures? I think my first real forray into this world begins on Saturday...I will let you know how it works out! Taggard

knkywch -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 10:58:59 AM)
Whew! With these last few posts, I am beginning to have hope. So far, I've engaged with others who are more service top/sadism oriented. And this is fine and dandy... But honestly, not what I'm looking for since I already have that with my husband. It's that elusive dominance factor... Anybody else have experience, wisdom to share? kw

Interesdom -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 11:24:56 AM)
Both my direct and indirect experience goes against what others here have said. When you serve someone with devotion, feelings of love for him are almost certainly going to grow. Inevitably, someone dominant and capable whom you love and admire is someone you will turn to for support and advice in general areas of your life. This can lead to you, all unwittingly, sidelining your husband and his position as your S.O.. When your wimpy (no offence meant, just trying to highlight the difference) husband and your dominant and capable lover hold differences of opinion on what you should do about something, you are likely to take more notice of your dom. If your husband is happy being submissive, even by proxy, it can work. If your dom is really honourable and would not abuse the situation (and how you can hope to be sure of this, I don't know) then it can work. Be careful. As a dominant man, I do understand your feelings of missing something but I also think you must weigh the risk to your relationship as you are putting it at some risk, however small you believe it to be. Douglas.

twistedsteel -> RE: Dom as secondary relationship possible? (2/9/2005 4:20:37 PM)
I have some experience with this kind of situation- I was the "Beta" Master in a 4 way Gorean relationship for some time- definitely brought different energy to the scene, being the newcomer. I finally left it because of the wild negativity between the 2 kajirae. I do think Interesdom's comments a VERY pertinent, definitely be careful, but it IS possible.

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