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erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 11:25:14 AM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		OK, here goes.  I have some related questions for A/all to give feedback on.   I believe that you might want and/or need some background on this relationship to help in your understanding.  I met my sub on collarme, we lived an hour apart.  We talked, we met, we did some vanilla dating, we also played together.  As time went on, both sides of our lifestyles became connected.   In the total relationship area, we fell in love and did marry.  In the lifestyle areas, she has submitted completely to me, and I have taken her as my lifelong sub.  I am her lifelong Master.  We find that our love continues to deepen, and that our D/s relationship continues to expand and deepen also.  We both have had very active sex lives prior to meeting, both in the lifestyle and in our prior vanilla lives.  So as a Dominant who is always trying to learn, I seek information in the following areas.

1. When engaged in play with my submissive, I find that I do not stay hard, but really enjoy the play time.  By play I am referring to use of toys, bondage, spanking, hair pulling, using fingers and hands.....that kind of thing.  It is very much a mental thing with me.  she however is both mental and physical durring play.  she reads my half hard cock as not being pleased with her.  I continue to let her know how she is pleasing me, but she has trouble really dealing with me at half staff.  This is not improved with use of drugs, so i know it is where my head is at not a physical thing.  I truely am enjoying the play, but want to make sure I am able to convey how pleased I am with her.  She has never been with any man like me before.  So the question is have or do others out there deal with this?

2. Related but slightly different.  When we play and I concentrate on what I am doing (enjoying it) I find that I do not cum easily at all, sometimes I never can while in that head space.  I have been inside her for a long time and still not able to cum.  This does cause my sub some (a lot) of feelings of failure on her part.  She wants to please me and the release of her Dom’s cum is the only way in the past she has had of gauging her success in pleasing.  I have decided to start my play time with taking her for my pleasure then spending the rest of play in the mental/physical  part for me.  She however is still cumming and enjoying the sub space while we continue to play.  This seems to be the best option I can think of so far.  Does anyone have this same or similar issue?

3. I have only had two women (either vanilla or lifestyle) who could get me off orally.  I enjoy the physical feeling of being sucked, licked and played with, but it just does not get me off.  When I was able to get off, it took them up to 30 min or more to get me off.  This is not what my sub is used to, and I think I am very different than most men in general in this area.  I enjoy the D/s aspect of oral and get pleasure out of the physical act.  I have tried to explain to my sub that I get pleasure out of this, but because I do not cum, it fucks with her head.  Any suggestions about this one?

Thank you A/all for your responses.

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RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 11:31:04 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TABMaster
So the question is have or do others out there deal with this?

Really just break her of her need to equate hard and orgasming to enjoying yourself. 

With my partner, if the tv is on or the radio is playing or he's spanking me, he's not going to stay hard or be able to orgasm.  That's just how his body and body works.  So we know if we want him to orgasm or stay hard, we have to eliminate all those other things and focus solely on that.

Women have this quite often.

quote:

 She however is still cumming and enjoying the sub space while we continue to play.  This seems to be the best option I can think of so far.  Does anyone have this same or similar issue?

Just accept it and move on.  I understand her feelings of weirdness about it and a bit of failure, but she needs to be able recognize them and then ignore them.  You CAN orgasm at other times with no problem- it's just your distractions.

quote:

This is not what my sub is used to, and I think I am very different than most men in general in this area.  I enjoy the D/s aspect of oral and get pleasure out of the physical act.  I have tried to explain to my sub that I get pleasure out of this, but because I do not cum, it fucks with her head.  Any suggestions about this one?

Thank you A/all for your responses.

Same as above.  Train her and break her of this association that sexual orgasm = feeling good or performing well. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to TABMaster)
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RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 12:01:52 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Tab,
You need to update your profile:
quote:

Currently I am searching for the right female to develop a relationship with. 
My submissive will live for the control and care of her Master
.

If you've accomplished meeting, dating, and marrying in 5 months, you are way ahead of the curve!

Regarding the situations in your post, I suggest you enjoy the journey. You may be thinking too much? You are focusing on the 'climax'. Most times that's the end of the session. Whether oral or any other process redirect your focus on the overall experience, or don't focus at all.

It's up to you to communicate to your sub that your pleasure comes from using her as you please. She must trust you enough to gauge your pleasure by your words and deeds, and not by your erection or lack of erection. You need to talk to her about that.

Her climax during your scenes is in your to control. Before, during, or after a session; you make the determination. If it works for you, it is "right". Unless you are feeling somehow unfulfilled by the experience why question the physiology?

(in reply to TABMaster)
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RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 12:06:15 PM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the quick reply lucky.  I for one like your to the point candor.  I have been doing just what you suggested, but was wondering about these topics being something common out there.  In my mind erection and cumming are not connected directly with enjoyment while playing. 

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 1:01:28 PM   
emdoub


Posts: 223
Joined: 10/22/2006
From: Minnenipples, Minnesnowta
Status: offline 		No, you are not at all alone.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TABMaster

1. When engaged in play with my submissive, I find that I do not stay hard, but really enjoy the play time.  By play I am referring to use of toys, bondage, spanking, hair pulling, using fingers and hands.....

Well, I'm not 18 any more, either - I tend to have an erection when it's being used for something, but being hard while I'm flogging?  Not much.  Nor does a lack of erection mean I'm not having fun - quite the contrary.
quote:

2. Related but slightly different.  When we play and I concentrate on what I am doing (enjoying it) I find that I do not cum easily at all, sometimes I never can while in that head space.  I have been inside her for a long time and still not able to cum.

Again, ditto - if it stays hard too long, an ejaculation just ain't gonna happen.  Doesn't mean I'm not having fun - just means that all of the wet spot is from her.

This was a topic of conversation on alt.sex.bondage about a decade ago, and the number of guys who chimed in with 'me, too' was both remarkable and reassuring.

quote:

I have decided to start my play time with taking her for my pleasure then spending the rest of play in the mental/physical  part for me.  She however is still cumming and enjoying the sub space while we continue to play.  This seems to be the best option I can think of so far.

It may well work for you - I find that, for myself, after I orgasm, I get really lazy.
quote:

3. I have only had two women (either vanilla or lifestyle) who could get me off orally.  I enjoy the physical feeling of being sucked, licked and played with, but it just does not get me off.  When I was able to get off, it took them up to 30 min or more to get me off.  This is not what my sub is used to, and I think I am very different than most men in general in this area.  I enjoy the D/s aspect of oral and get pleasure out of the physical act.  I have tried to explain to my sub that I get pleasure out of this, but because I do not cum, it fucks with her head.  Any suggestions about this one?


Again, yup.  I spent years thinking I was wierd because I didn't get off on blowjobs.  Then, I started playing with boys, too - and the reason became clear.

Most women don't know how to give enough stimulation orally to get me off.  The guys re-educated me - they're not shy at all about giving enough stimulation to horrify most women (who are, after all, familiar with how a clitoris feels - a different animal entirely). 

I have since become more proactive in coaching my female partners in oral sex, with delightful results.  The amount of sensation that I enjoy may be overmuch for other guys, but it works fine for me.

Midnight Writer


_____________________________

Benevolent Dictator of TIES - Tremendously Intense Erotic Situations. If you're local to Mpls-St.Paul, MN, you may want to check us out. The web site is at http://www.ties-bdsm.org and the Munches are monthly.

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 1:20:07 PM   
PONYSEEKER


Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		I mirror what everyone else says.  I am pretty much the same way as you and although I was hard all the time when I was 18 I fly a lot at half mast know that I am 39.  You need to train her not to think that because you are not hard your not enjoying yourself.  As far as oral I am the same way as you... it can take a woman 20-30 minutes to get me off and that is when I am really comfortable with her.  I am incredible ego buster when it comes to the part girl that has something to prove...LOL
As long as you are enjoying yourself in what you do and you are able to get it up for penetration when you want then what could be wrong???

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 1:36:01 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		I thought it was common knowledge that an erection was not the only single indicator of sexual enjoyment by men.  Perhaps having the girl read something like this:  http://www.sexuality.org/l/sex/dsmansex.html   would help?

Good luck,
beverly

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 3:07:46 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Master and I had a conversation about this the other day. Some aspects of play do not turn him on sexually but he enjoys them because they give him a different kinda power trip and he said thats helpful in a lot of cases.

Example: Does he really want the distraction of a hard cock when he is using a scalpel to cut into my flesh?

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 3:10:05 PM   
Lordandmaster


Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline 		I'll say something very different from the others: your inference here isn't necessarily on the money.  Have you talked to a doctor?  Maybe there really is a physical issue.  Rule that out first.

quote:

ORIGINAL: TABMaster

This is not improved with use of drugs, so i know it is where my head is at not a physical thing.

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 3:14:38 PM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		I did not make that part very clear in my first posting.  Yes I have checked with my doctor, all is well there.  I can and do have full erections and do cum.  I only find these things happening in the way I discribed in my post. 

(in reply to Lordandmaster)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 3:31:48 PM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for pointing out my profile needed to be updated.  I have done that.  We have done this in 9 months.  We met under a differnt profile name. 

I agree with you about thinking too much.  That is one thing I do, very mental about all of this.  But then I enjoy that part of our D/s relationship.  I have been working on just letting go and being while playing.  That has been and continues to be a good thing for us.  Thanks for the feedback on that part.

I have been communicating that I am pleased with her and when I am not, I let her know that also.  I just was currious about others experiances in this area.  I am doing more of a pluse check with this post than anything.  Sometimes I can loose the proper focus and instead start focusing on things that really dont need attention.  So to post it hear in my words seems like a good way to have others pick it apart and give feedback.

As for the part about her climaxes,  I enjoy the fact that I controle them.  She is totally mine in that catagory.  I did not mean it to sound like I had issues with her submission in that area.  I was just saying that I have found climax for me first and extended play with her second is what works right now for me.  I wanted to know how others have dealt with this?  I have not been able to climax after an extened play session.  My head is not where it should be and I have not been able to put it there so far.  So I am looking for ideas from other Masters who have experianced this.

Thanks again.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/16/2006 3:35:09 PM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks for the support and letting me know I am not alone in this.  I have been wondering about this and not many people really talk about this much.  At least the ones I talk to on a regular basis. 

So again thanks

(in reply to emdoub)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 3:29:30 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		I'll simply say that while D/s play is my preferred form of expressing intimacy with my girl, most forms of actual play rarely involve my being physically aroused.... errr, "down there"....  Unless, of course, some form of oral service or training is part of the play.
 
Tying knots, swinging floggers or even giving her pink bits a thorough working over etc does not necessarily require my own physical arousal to be enjoyable or fulfilling - even though I love doing all those things with/to her!  Some scenes can last hours - a mighty long time for even a young dom to maintain erection etc, don'tcha reckon?  Time and place for everything....
 
You're a guy; we don't get to cum all night or have multiple orgasms etc!  (God's a male; rightttt....)  Your scenes are gonna be brief if that's the basis of doing what we Doms do!  But when it does come to my own sexual release, I do get to choose when and how - usually after I'm done enjoying all the other things I can do to her.
 
Interesting topic, though....
 
Focus.

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 5:09:00 AM   
slavegirl1969


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/26/2006
Status: offline 		Your topic TABMaster has just sparked an interesting conversation between Master and I.  I feel a lot of similarities to your sub's way of thinking and feel for her, for me, the ultimate sign of pleasure was in a man's erection and him cumming.  Master has shattered this illusion for me.  I too have felt that I am not pleasing Master or that what he is doing with me, to me, is not pleasing him because I can't see "proof" that he is excited.  He tries very hard to get through to me that he enjoys everything we do and gets very excited by our scenes but that sometimes Him being physically aroused would actually get in the way of what his intentions are and from what he wants out of a scene/play time.  It has taken a lot of patience and caressing sweet talk to get this through to me, and if I'm honest I'm still not there, but seeing that others have similar thoughts goes some way to realising that it is normal for both Him and me.

Thank you. 
 
 

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 6:29:46 AM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TABMaster

OK, here goes.  I have some related questions for A/all to give feedback on.   I believe that you might want and/or need some background on this relationship to help in your understanding.  I met my sub on collarme, we lived an hour apart.  We talked, we met, we did some vanilla dating, we also played together.  As time went on, both sides of our lifestyles became connected.   In the total relationship area, we fell in love and did marry.  In the lifestyle areas, she has submitted completely to me, and I have taken her as my lifelong sub.  I am her lifelong Master.  We find that our love continues to deepen, and that our D/s relationship continues to expand and deepen also.  We both have had very active sex lives prior to meeting, both in the lifestyle and in our prior vanilla lives.  So as a Dominant who is always trying to learn, I seek information in the following areas.

1. When engaged in play with my submissive, I find that I do not stay hard, but really enjoy the play time.  By play I am referring to use of toys, bondage, spanking, hair pulling, using fingers and hands.....that kind of thing.  It is very much a mental thing with me.  she however is both mental and physical durring play.  she reads my half hard cock as not being pleased with her.  I continue to let her know how she is pleasing me, but she has trouble really dealing with me at half staff.  This is not improved with use of drugs, so i know it is where my head is at not a physical thing.  I truely am enjoying the play, but want to make sure I am able to convey how pleased I am with her.  She has never been with any man like me before.  So the question is have or do others out there deal with this?

2. Related but slightly different.  When we play and I concentrate on what I am doing (enjoying it) I find that I do not cum easily at all, sometimes I never can while in that head space.  I have been inside her for a long time and still not able to cum.  This does cause my sub some (a lot) of feelings of failure on her part.  She wants to please me and the release of her Dom’s cum is the only way in the past she has had of gauging her success in pleasing.  I have decided to start my play time with taking her for my pleasure then spending the rest of play in the mental/physical  part for me.  She however is still cumming and enjoying the sub space while we continue to play.  This seems to be the best option I can think of so far.  Does anyone have this same or similar issue?

3. I have only had two women (either vanilla or lifestyle) who could get me off orally.  I enjoy the physical feeling of being sucked, licked and played with, but it just does not get me off.  When I was able to get off, it took them up to 30 min or more to get me off.  This is not what my sub is used to, and I think I am very different than most men in general in this area.  I enjoy the D/s aspect of oral and get pleasure out of the physical act.  I have tried to explain to my sub that I get pleasure out of this, but because I do not cum, it fucks with her head.  Any suggestions about this one?

Thank you A/all for your responses.




You don't sound all that different from my owner.  The way I've understood it is that its hard for him to stay fully hard during a scene when he's so focused on things other than his penis, so I've never expected him to be full mast hard during a scene (usually he's kinda half hard).  Similarly if he stays in that stage way to long (if we are playing for hours) then orgasming may not be something that happens for him (tho sometimes it certainly does happen).  Thats just the way he is, and its always made sense for me.

Also before me he's never been much for oral sex and I don't believe came much from straight oral sex (nowadays its something he enjoys and orgasms from).  What I found is that I adjusted the way I do oral sex for him to really fit what works for him and also I've found that looking at it as a "I'm gonna be down here for a while" sort of thing (basically being tenacious and willing to be there for a while) helps a lot.  Also not always seeing the oral sex as being about him cumming, but about bringing him pleasure also helps.

Anyways basically what I'm saying is that she needs to stop focusing on herself and just accept that the way that you are is the way that you are and that has nothing to do about her.  She may also want to try different things around oral sex, because sometimes you don't realize a particular technique isn't working until the person stops doing it.

C~


_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 7:48:30 AM   
RUpainsmith


Posts: 42
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline 		Before getting into D/s I first studied taoist principles and tantra; through this I started to disassociate my idea of orgasm and ejaculation meaning the same thing.  In doing so, I am more pleased during sex, and can have multiple orgasms, by stopping before ejactulation.

I say that to lead to this; many girls I've been with equate ejactualation to success; that they've a job well done.  It takes some time to break that idea, as it has been hammered into pop thinking for so long.  When topping, I do not always have an erection, and I am 21; there's a mental rush associated with it, and I'm a fan of playing with toys and such even when I'm not physically aroused.  Once she gets to know that part of you, and accepts and loves it, it will be a nonissue.

(in reply to Wildfleurs)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 11:50:30 AM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		From my perspective, perhaps Your sub may find it helpful to learn to accept that what You say pleases You, is what pleases You and stop looking for "proof". Submission is a tricky thing and, i certainly have my share of challenges; one being learning to see myself through my Master's eyes, and not my own. i think many subs/slaves have tremendous desire to surrender, but when it gets right down to the reality of it, we secretly hold onto our beliefs, ideas etc. about a D/s relationship, not realizing these too have to be relinquished.
 
i spent many many months frustrating my Master because i thought i knew better than He, what pleased Him. lol. Finally, to His great joy, i am learning to accept that what He says is what He means and it's not up to me to analyze it or try to make logical sense out of it. i am His slave, my job is to obey Him, trust Him, love Him and believe Him. It's not my job to second guess His commands, interprete His desires etc. That was a big lesson for me. i hope sharing this with You and Your sub helps.
 
 

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 2:28:55 PM   
gemy


Posts: 107
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline 		TABMaster, thank You for this thread - although i am not yet owned i am trying to learn all i can of what may be expected of me, as well as what O.others think, do and feel, so i can perhaps know a tiny bit before He comes into my life :)  i thought this was a great topic and i learned a lot ,,,,,

(in reply to TABMaster)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/17/2006 2:46:50 PM   
TABMaster


Posts: 15
Joined: 6/26/2006
Status: offline 		You are welcom Gemy....And thanks to all the other who have commented.  I am glad I asked my questions, I have gotten many opinions and ideas. I thought I was alone in my quandery.  I am glad to know this topic is not limited to me and that others have and do deal with it now. 

(in reply to gemy)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: erections, cumming, and play?? - 11/19/2006 8:00:34 AM   
afeathr


Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
Status: offline 		Sir and I, in general, do not have any problem with his erections.. <huge grin> but I have had to get used to Him from a different standpoint.

In the past, when a man would tell me that I excite them, I could expect to find a raging erection if my hand were to "wander" to the appropriate area, but with Sir there have been many times when he says he's excited, but is not erect.  I realized, very quickly, that one doesn't have anything to do with the other.  He gets great joy in having my stroke him to erection when He is ready for me to do such.  Often we are fantasizing or doing other play and he is not ready to get physically involved... I have no problem with that.

Oral play, has been a different animal though - for Him that is.  He says that in the past he hasn't been able to enjoy an orgasm through oral play, but with me it's been different - therefore we don't involve oral play unless he is ready to orgasm... this is not any different for *me*, but is for Him and is a pleasant surprise from other situations.

Truthfully - I think everyone has to keep in mind that every relationship is different, everyone's needs are different are not set in stone.  The sooner your sub understands that, the less heartache she will suffer.

I agree that your sub needs to take you at your word.  If she is hesitant to do such - you have other issues besides those you have mentioned.

Good luck! :)

_____________________________

afeathr

-Going where the wind blows me...

(in reply to TABMaster)
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