How do you.....

How do you..... (Full Version)

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alittleshyone -> How do you..... (11/17/2006 11:17:04 AM)
help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious. shy

Mikal -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 11:24:39 AM)
Well, I'm not a Dom, but I'll assume you'll accept Domme's answer [8D]. I personally don't have the time for such an emotionally charged relationship... a person with such 'emotional baggage' as it were, needs a lot of support & attention. I don't have the time for that, nor to I have the inclination to nurse someone into a healthy relationship. Now, I'm not an ogre, I'll help out friends when I can, and I certainly support them when/if they leave a bad relationship, but to meet someone new & try to forge a lasting relationship when they're just out of a nasty one... not a good idea in my book. I may try to be a friendly ear & listen to them... offer advice if asked... but I wouldn't become involved in a relationship with them. Personally, I think they'd likely need some breathing space and time to figure out what they want & that they are ok... heal the woulds, so to speak. Just my two cents worth.

alittleshyone -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 11:30:06 AM)
Thank you for your honest input. i appreciate it. shy

toservez -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 11:37:32 AM)
I am not a Master but we are all partial products of past relationships but that does not mean that we should be overwhelmed by them. If a person is coming off a bad relationship and cannot function and need the new relationship to manifest in too strong of a way from the results of the previous relationship that would be a red flag for me and that person need to work on themselves first before entering into a new relationship. If the person understands their situation and is making positive steps to deal with it and just requires some patience and support then I would not rule them out. For a very lame example, if the person was cheated on in the last relationship and therefore requires phone calls every hour to make them feel comfortable I am not cheating then I would bolt. If the person told me they were working on trust issues and ask for me to do some things that might not be what healthy relationships normally do temporarely until they are comfortable would not be a problem.

MstrssPassion -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 12:00:57 PM)
This scenario is one of the reasons why I have placed this quote on my profile... "People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within." ~Ramona L. Anderson Often those who come out of failed/bad relationships are looking to have that fresh feeling of new love & for it to be the quick fix to a broken heart... they look to someone else to fill that empty void & to somehow validate them by filling this emptiness & in some way by doing so it was the other person fault it failed, see, I have a new love, I've moved on. If someone is carrying this type of baggage & they still feel they have no confidence then they have no business bringing that to the table of a new partner. One needs to close one door before opening another. Part of closure is understanding where you went wrong because rarely is one person COMPLETELY innocent when a relationship ends. The other part of that closure is smiling & accepting that hey, I'm human & I made mistakes.... & strive to not make them again. The best time to look for a partner in life is when you can first look into a mirror & see a person smiling back at you who is confident & sure of who they are & where they are going.

PONYSEEKER -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 12:04:02 PM)
Either dont have anything to do with them until they come around or jsut plane dont allow it to interfear with your current relationship by catering to it. I think pretty much everyone has been through at least one nightmare of a relationship and we all do the same thing.. get over it and move on. It may be tough to swallow but its just the way it is.

AquaticSub -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 12:33:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: alittleshyone help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious. shy Depends on how bad the relationship was. You may need to need to encourage her to see a therapist or you may simply need to let her cry sometimes. I started dating my current dominant very very soon after my ex-finance left me and there were times where I just needed to cry it out. It got better as time went by.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 12:51:38 PM)
I simply am who I am. If, in time, they cannot learn to trust me as who I am and what life brings, then I can't prove anything otherwise. I can certainly be open to listening and sensitive to their sore spots, but if they aren't ready to trust, they will self destruct things on their own.

alittleshyone -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 1:06:46 PM)
Wow, alot of brutally honest responses. Thank you all for your opinions. I asked this question for a few reasons, but one to find out more about myself. i spent 8 yrs in a TPE relationship that went south rather quickly, but by all accounts as i look back, i can see that the red flags started long before that. i have taken time to get ot know "me" again, and learn what i want and don't want ffrom a D/s relationship. i appreciate all the responses in my quest to grow as a submissive. best of everything shy

slavejali -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 2:27:10 PM)
Maybe there is nothing wrong with you a littleshyone. Submission in itself is about adaption to another. Its like the weather. When your in a hot climate you adapt to it and feel the cold more easily. It takes a while to get used to the cold again if your environment changes, however, you're always "you" and never lose yourself. "Wherever you go, there you are". That's my spin on it.

windchymes -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 3:21:03 PM)
It's a real sign of maturity and stability to be able to become strong from within, seeking healing and self-awareness through reading, counselling, talking to reliable friends, etc., rather than entering into relationships feeling wounded and unable to trust, and expecting the new Dom or Master to get you through it or to heal you. It's a warm and fuzzy idea, but in reality, can cause the new Dom a heck of a lot more stress than he/she may be able to handle, and may even compound or add to the baggage you already have. We all have baggage, but being burdened with it and entering into a new relationship will almost certainly doom the relationship. You and your potential partner will be much better off if you are mentally ready, and the baggage is reduced down to carry-on size and tucked away in the closet.

Padriag -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 5:05:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: alittleshyone help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious. shy I start by assessing the situation. The very first thing I want to know is if she is willing to grow beyond her past experiences. Some are too shell shocked or too busy wallowing in self pity to help, they are at a place in their life where I simply cannot reach them regardless of what I do. On those I pass. On the other hand if she seems trying to grow beyond it, willing to try and change, then odds are she can. Which brings us to your question. How I go about helping a submissive regain her confidence is really about teaching trust and changing perceptions. Doing this involves a combination of challenges and reassurances. On the one hand her fears and doubts have to be challenged, she has to be coaxed into facing them or else they'll eventually rule her and she'll never trust. But that has to be done carefully. She also needs to feel safe which means not being aggressive, not pushing boundaries or pushing her into new territory. She needs time to learn to be certain of things she already knows first. I'm also watchful of incorrect perceptions she may have developed. Sometimes a submissive may become distrustful of men in general, assume that all men want is sex, and other fallacies. These misperceptions have to also be challenged, again carefully, so that she can learn through experience that her past traumatic experiences are not how things will always be. In a way its like teaching a child to walk, its takes patience and a genuine desire to help. It takes understanding that they may have to crawl a bit before they can stand, and that they will fall down. It takes encouraging them, but also gently pushing them to keep trying. It takes leading by example. And takes giving them time to discover their "legs". And yes, I do generally avoid relationships with submissives with such baggage. Not because I don't want to deal with it. I will help them as a friend. But until they have dealt with it I don't want a relationship that may otherwise turn out to be a crutch. Relationships under those circumstances have a tendancy to end badly... and I don't want baggage of my own to deal with.

happypervert -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 5:39:00 PM)
I suppose it depends on how you define "bad relationship", and it also depends on the person. My girl was involved with a pathological liar before me and probably had some trust and insecurity issues because of it. All I've done is be honest with her, always, and at times brutally so. I was also concerned about the potential for this to be a "rebound" relationship where she might quickly get too emotionally dependent on me, so I made sure she kept her emotions under control and at level that matched mine. It really wasn't very difficult, but that's because she was already sane and well adjusted instead of being damaged goods with serious issues. For that matter, even after dumping that moron she seemed to have fewer and less serious issues than most of the gals around here; I've got no idea how I'd deal with them.

MagiksSlave -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 5:46:07 PM)
Why should the Dom have to put the sub back together for somthing that another Dom did.. Honestly if you need to be put back together you shouldnt be getting into a relationship let alone a BDSM relationship. You need to be able to put yourself back together first or at least start to do so... I know my Master has helped put peases of me back together he still is but I started putting them together on my own long befor I ever met him I had a head start and was heading in the right direction befor he owned me he just helps me stay in the right direction and on course. again it comes down to self responsability (Man Im really starting to hate that word) You cant rely on anyone to put you back together not in venilla life and not in BDSM. Magik's slave

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do you..... (11/17/2006 10:52:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave Why should the Dom have to put the sub back together for somthing that another Dom did.. Cuz that's what good people do for eachother sometimes. My partner and I have both healed eachother immensly from past wrongs and pains that have occured in our previous relationships. We think it's a good thing. quote: Honestly if you need to be put back together you shouldnt be getting into a relationship let alone a BDSM relationship. That depends. We've all got baggage, we've all got pain, we've all got things we could help eachother on. You don't need to be in perfect order to get into a perfect relationship. But there is a point to which a person isn't ready for or unable to sustain a relationship because their own issues are too serious. The problem of course is that there is no clear objective line between the two. quote: You cant rely on anyone to put you back together not in venilla life and not in BDSM. Magik's slave Agreed- but you certainly can be a great help to the process.

Padriag -> RE: How do you..... (11/18/2006 4:44:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross But there is a point to which a person isn't ready for or unable to sustain a relationship because their own issues are too serious. The problem of course is that there is no clear objective line between the two. Amen to that. Where that line is for any of us is a matter of personal judgement. If I get the impression a submissive is using me as a crutch, I'll back away. If, however, she simply needs a hand up, that a different matter. We all have to decide what we are willing (and able) to deal with.

LeatherBentOne -> RE: How do you..... (11/18/2006 6:33:44 AM)
I'm a firm believer of not jumping from one relationship into another without taking time to resolve issues that lead to the break up in the first place. That's how we learn from our experiences ~ introspection. Besides, relationships can be quite complicated on their own without entering a new one with an over-abundance of baggage. Somehow, I don't think it's fair to either party or the new relationship and can be seen as sabotaging all three. A more healthy approach would be to enter a relationship from a place of "want" rather than "need."

ChaOz -> RE: How do you..... (11/18/2006 6:56:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: alittleshyone help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious. shy I would have no problem with this whatsoever, I prefer emotional relationships and helping someone work through something is a great way to set a foundation in a relationship. Granted the sub would have to be willing to actually face issues and goto counciling if needed, and I would assume that starting a relationship means that she is actually willing to move on, but simply being open and honest about oneself and ones situation is a big bonus in my eyes. I dont think Doms want the perfect sub anyway, it kinda spoils half the fun. lol

ChainedExistence -> RE: How do you..... (11/18/2006 7:19:56 AM)
I understand someone not wanting to get all wrapped up in someone else's baggage in one sense..but in another I do not. Unless you are a virginal 18 year old, all of us are carrying around some emotional scars. We've all had failed relationships, we've probably all been hurt, and caused someone else some pain along the way. What we need to know is that there is someone we can count on to accept those things about us, and like us anyway. The fact that someone is willing to try a new relationship despite old wounds means deep down there is still a spark of hope of creating something worthwhile and meaningful. I was very wounded when I met Master. It took me a long time to believe all the things he said to me, because in my heart I KNEW he would leave. Slowly and surely over time, I learned..partly through my own efforts at growth , and partly as a result of his continued loving support of me. He is someone who saw in me qualities that I could no longer see in myself. I had a lot of love to give, and a sincere need to be with someone who wanted it. I was smart, and had been made to feel dumb. I was capable and independent, and had been made to feel worthless, and helpless. Maybe a lot of you wouldn't have pursued a relationship with someone like me ,but I am thankful that someone did. The greatest gift he gave me was a renewed belief in myself. I've excelled at work, taking on major company leadership roles, I'm pursuing an advanced degree, and I'm managing a single parent household by myself. A few years ago, it was all I could do to get out of bed in the mornings. I think I've turned into a dedicated and loving slave, who is smart enough to appreciate the power of love. Maybe that one you've passed up because they had too much baggage was your diamond in the rough. Sometimes you have to look deeper to see the beauty within.

Midearthtrainer -> RE: How do you..... (11/18/2006 2:25:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Padriag quote: ORIGINAL: alittleshyone help a submissive to regain her confidence after having been in a bad relationship before coming to You? Or do you not desire to be involved with someone with such baggage? Just curious. shy I start by assessing the situation. The very first thing I want to know is if she is willing to grow beyond her past experiences. Some are too shell shocked or too busy wallowing in self pity to help, they are at a place in their life where I simply cannot reach them regardless of what I do. On those I pass. On the other hand if she seems trying to grow beyond it, willing to try and change, then odds are she can. How I go about helping a submissive regain her confidence is really about teaching trust and changing perceptions. Doing this involves a combination of challenges and reassurances. On the one hand her fears and doubts have to be challenged, she has to be coaxed into facing them or else they'll eventually rule her and she'll never trust. But that has to be done carefully. She also needs to feel safe which means not being aggressive, not pushing boundaries or pushing her into new territory. She needs time to learn to be certain of things she already knows first. I'm also watchful of incorrect perceptions she may have developed. These misperceptions have to also be challenged, again carefully, so that she can learn through experience that her past traumatic experiences are not how things will always be. quote: ORIGINAL: ChainedExistence We've all had failed relationships, we've probably all been hurt, and caused someone else some pain along the way. What we need to know is that there is someone we can count on to accept those things about us, and like us anyway. The fact that someone is willing to try a new relationship despite old wounds means deep down there is still a spark of hope of creating something worthwhile and meaningful. He is someone who saw in me qualities that I could no longer see in myself. I had a lot of love to give, and a sincere need to be with someone who wanted it. Maybe that one you've passed up because they had too much baggage was your diamond in the rough. Sometimes you have to look deeper to see the beauty within. These are true statements. For Me, the combination of these two quotes is just the beginning of an evaluation into considering a realtionship. If there is a "diamond in the rough", that I like, then I will take the time to polish it and see how it shines for Me. It is knowing the difference between what a Dom/mme can handle and what should be assisted by professionals, that can make or break a relationship. To attempt it all by yourself, then all you do is add to the baggage, not detract from it.

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