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Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 7:48:08 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		Do you think that there are many different levels of dominance and submission and that is why some people have 24/7 relationships and others don't, or is just whatever works for the people involved?

Also, what would you do if your dominant/master was either less/more interested in having a lifestyle approach to BDSM then you are? Say either A) he wanted to have, or experiment with having, a 24/7 lifestyle and you didn't and B) you wanted to have/experiment with having a 24//7 lifestyle and he didn't?

Hopes this makes sense, it's my first time posting a question. It's just been nagging at me! :-)

Edited to add: By 24/7 I mean you are pet/slave/submission all that time, not that you aren't living together. My dominant and I have lived together and will be soon again, but we don't have a 24/7 d/s relationship because he wants time where I am just Aqua, his girlfriend.

< Message edited by AquaticSub -- 11/18/2006 8:26:21 PM >

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:12:52 PM   
Caitriona


Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline 		Your question makes perfect sense to me. 

I've seen articles such as The Nine Levels of Submission that break one aspect into levels, but have yet to see anything outlining levels of D/s as "clearly" (that, of course, being open to interpretation).  I often get the feeling, especially on message boards, that some define levels of D/s by their depth of involvement by the persons in the relationship - such say saying that 24/7 is a deeper level than an online relationship.

As with so many other things, I think that each person defines the level of D/s themselves.  Personally I have noticed a huge shift in myself psychologically since My Lord and I took D/s out of the bedroom (so to speak) and into the rest of our lives.  It has not been an easy journey, but it is one we both desire.

So for me, D/s full time is a deeper level than anything else.

I hope I've answered your question in some way.


_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:15:52 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think that there are many different levels of dominance and submission and that is why some people have 24/7 relationships and others don't, or is just whatever works for the people involved?

I do believe that there are different levels, yes;but I don't believe it has any bearing on a 24/7 relationship or not. It truly just depends on the people involved and what they are looking for.

My first relationship, I lived with my master; this relationship we do not. My level of submission now is no different than it was with my first Master.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:17:51 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		It's given me something to think about. Getting involved on the boards has made me wonder about having a more 24/7 lifestyle but my dominant is definately not interested. I don't think it's something I'm willing to leave him for, just something I may need to discuss with him further done the road. It just got me curious about other people's viewpoints.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Caitriona)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:20:21 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Do you think that there are many different levels of dominance and submission?


Sure, the degree can be counted by how many "buts" are in the relationship.

quote:

that is why some people have 24/7 relationships and others don't,


Not necessarily.......

quote:

or is just whatever works for the people involved?

Standard answer is gonna be there "Whatever works for the people involved".

Personally I wouldn't be able to get my head around being able to submit to someone on a very deep level who I wasn't living with...but maybe for someone else it could happen.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:31:00 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

Do you think that there are many different levels of dominance and submission and that is why some people have 24/7 relationships and others don't, or is just whatever works for the people involved?


I think that people have differing views of what 24-7 really is, what being submissive and dominant means, and how they want that to exist in their lives. It makes it easier for some to create levels to understand themselves in relation to others. Look at marriage, do we define levels of "married"? Either you are married or you are not, now there are all sorts of marriages, there are loveless ones, convenient ones, married to have children, open marriages, friendship based marriages, and close marriages.. but no one says there are levels of being married. Individually we may not consider someone else's marriage a "real" marriage if they live in different cities and spend little time with each other, but no one says they are not married 24-7.

People exist the way they exist. I have a friend that considers herself a bedroom submissive that also has a naturally submissive nature, but chooses not to submit outside the bedroom. She looks at my relationship and compares it negatively in her mind to what suits her because it is more of a 24-7 model in that I am always submissive to him when I interact with him, it does not stop at the bedroom door for us.

I think that when we start talking about "levels" of submission it kinda says one person is "more" than another is in my mind. Personally I do not care for measuring what people share that way.

quote:

Also, what would you do if your dominant/master was either less/more interested in having a lifestyle approach to BDSM then you are? Say either A) he wanted to have, or experiment with having, a 24/7 lifestyle and you didn't and B) you wanted to have/experiment with having a 24//7 lifestyle and he didn't?


I hope I am understanding this question correctly. My feelings for my Daddy extend beyond dominance and submission. If there was some reason he felt he could not dominate me then I would try to work within that. If he wanted more control over me than I would have chosen from the outset I would work toward giving him that if I possibly could.


_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:35:24 PM   
Sirandlittle1


Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline 		I live a D/s lifestyle daily with my Dom as his submissive. Day in and day out, the D/s 'level' fluctuates. As does our needs, and energy levels. Some play session are such sexual haven, but some, we connect on a spiritual level. That particular space, when you are both so together, flying off somewhere, that for me, is as deep as it has ever got. Some of the play levels may be 'deeper' than others, but play is just a tool. To get us to our level.
I think 'level' is a banal word to describe something as spectacular as subspace. But if your gonna try and put that into words, you got to start somewhere.
So i guess im saying, from my perspective, i have levels of submission, where everything is easy, it flows, everyone is happy. And days, where its a struggle. I could say, that demonstrates my level of base line of submission. But he can do things to tip me futher down the path i agreed to take. Carrot or stick. And my level progresses.

So levels are fluctuating all the time

(in reply to slavejali)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 8:52:58 PM   
LaMspeach


Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline 		I dont live with my Master but i consider our relationship 24/7. I am always His slave and He is always my Master. There are times we do normal everyday things but he i still always the Master and i am always His slave.  FOR ME 24/7 is what is in your heart not where you live or how often you take part in BDSM. It is what works for you and the people involved ... for everyone you talk to there will be different opinions and levels... *Laughs* Hell, i am told i am not submissive all the time but I am Master's slave and that is all the counts.





_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"



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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 10:38:38 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LaMspeach

I dont live with my Master but i consider our relationship 24/7. I am always His slave and He is always my Master. There are times we do normal everyday things but he i still always the Master and i am always His slave.  FOR ME 24/7 is what is in your heart not where you live or how often you take part in BDSM. It is what works for you and the people involved ... for everyone you talk to there will be different opinions and levels...


*ditto to the above...*
 
My Master may not live with me in the same house, or even in the same state... but He lives with me in my heart every minute, and I know that I am in His as well.  He and I are beautifully connected and I am so grateful to have Him as my Master, my lover, and most of all, my very dearest and best friend.  None of those things get switched off ever, they are 24/7/365...  and sometimes 366. 

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/18/2006 11:57:48 PM   
slavemaia


Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, i think there are many many levels of submission, i experience them all the time, from the very deep and extremely submissive, to the mild where i run my life but am aware who my Owner is. Master and i don't live together yet, although W/we share alot of time together. my deepest times of submission are when i'm with Him in person, but i have known some pretty intense feelings away from Him based on something He says or orders me to do that triggers that intense feeling of surender within me.

Predominanatly O/our relationship is about power exchange and so the energy ebbs and flows. i've learned not to freak out when W/we're in a milder space. i've also learned that my feelings are not necessarily what dictate how much of a slave i am. They are just feelings. i am just as much Master's slave when He's asking my thoughts and opinions about a decision He's struggling with and i'm "feeling" more equal, as i am when i'm hung up being whipped by Him.

Regarding one partner being more or less interested in a 24/7 lifestyle relationship. That, i think takes lots of discussion. For me it's a major factor as i could not adjust to someone who's desires were very different from mine in this respect - i.e. i'm sure for me 24/7 is what will make me the most happy and fullfilled. To be with a Master who did not want this would be extremely difficult and most likely a reason to keep looking. It has alot to do with the commitment level for me - i can't commit that deeply to someone who isn't as committed as i am.

_____________________________


She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 2:30:51 AM   
adaddysgirl


Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

It's given me something to think about. Getting involved on the boards has made me wonder about having a more 24/7 lifestyle but my dominant is definately not interested. I don't think it's something I'm willing to leave him for, just something I may need to discuss with him further done the road. It just got me curious about other people's viewpoints.


Hmmmm......this sounds like a 'biggie' Aqua.  You are interested in eventual 24/7 live in and he is not?  Do you think that will change in some reasonable amount of time?  Obviously, you will have to decide how important this ultimately is to you but it does sound like an important issue that will eventually need to be resolved. 
 
When i was in a LDR, we had a plan of living together once my son graduated from high school and i could relocate.  That was a tangible goal we both looked forward to.  The relationship didn't end up going that far but it was important we shared that same goal. 
 
It makes me wonder too....for others here in LDRs.  Do you have eventual plans to live together...or is that not a definite at this time?  Just curious.
 
In any event, good luck with this 
 
DG

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 3:01:25 AM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		If I were thinking about committing to someone as a submissive, this question would be very important to me. 

I would not make a good girlfriend and I'm not even sure what that would involve.  In a previous relationship, it was said that I was "too" submissive.  He wanted a partner and was always discouraging me from assuming submissive positions or allowing my submissive tendencies to manifest.  I went with it for a while because I kind of thought that a Dominant ought to be allowed to regulate the details of how and when they dominate and, by extension, control how and when I'm submissive, but this didn't work for me in the long run.  I was always at odds with myself and the more time we spent together the worse I felt.

If I was attached to someone who was less invested in a D/s interaction than I was, I would either want to limit the amount of time spent with that person so all the time we were together we could do the D/s thing or find someone else.  I'm not sure if this is making sense.

In general, I think this is a big element of compatibility.

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 3:29:20 AM   
Rayne58


Posts: 746
Joined: 2/22/2005
From: Sydney Australia
Status: offline 		*fast reply*

I have always said that ours is a relationship first. The D/s is the icing on the cake. That said, I am naturally submissive and so it carries over outside our sexual relationship. I am His carer as He has renal failure and diabetes. I wear His collar and in less than 3 weeks we will have wedding rings.

I feel like I belong for the first time in my life. I am loved and appreciated and cared about. We do not feel the need to go to play parties or munches, my collar looks just like a normal piece of jewellery, and really there are no visible signs of the "kinky" side of our lives. I call Him by His given name, or a pet name (as He does me), except during play then He is Sir or Master and I am slut

We have lived together for almost 3 years now. We are both happy with the level of D/s in the relationship, though sometimes play has to take a back seat due to His health. However the dynamic is always there

(in reply to gypsygrl)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 9:59:31 AM   
BDSM05478


Posts: 417
Joined: 10/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Edited to add: By 24/7 I mean you are pet/slave/submission all that time, not that you aren't living together. My dominant and I have lived together and will be soon again, but we don't have a 24/7 d/s relationship because he wants time where I am just Aqua, his girlfriend.


It seems to me that He assumes that by being in a 24/7 lifestyle, He would be sacrificing time with you. That if you were in a TPE, you would no longer be the "normal" girl that he can just chill and talk openly with..... This is not the case imo or in my situation. A 24/7 dynamic does not limit the amount of casual interaction. In our home, Daddy dictates all tasks and daily routines but allows me to be my normal goofy funny self, that is what he loves about me and encourages me to always be able to speak my mind so long as i remember to do so in a respectfull tone and appropriate topics. It all depends on what you are comfortable with and what He considers to be importent..... i hope i understood that right and my response was helpful

_____________________________

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart" U.E. McGill

"Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present." - Marcus Aurelius

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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 10:21:45 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		as odd as this may seem, its all about compromise and communication.
 
you get to define what you are willing to invest, what that investment will look like and what you need in return and your partner also gets to define what he is willing to invest, what that will look like and he needs in return...
 
and then you both get to decide to call it what ever you want, some folks opt for the term 24-7 or master and slave but others might call it a traditional 50s marrige....
 
if he wants more and you are not ready to give it maybe you could look at what fears you have and make a plan of action where you take steps to address those concerns.
 
yep compromise and communication from both folks and you have a real shot at making what ever it is you do, and what ever you want to call it, work.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 10:32:54 AM   
kinkiminx


Posts: 73
Joined: 10/5/2005
From: Brighton, Sussex, UK
Status: offline 		I don't think D/s can be broken down into any number of set levels, there are so many different things involved and where a relationship is really does come down to what works for the people involved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
A) he wanted to have, or experiment with having, a 24/7 lifestyle and you didn't


If he was adamant, I don't think that would work for me - If I wasn't up for 24/7, I wouldn't be able to give everything, so whether we tried or didn’t, neither partner would really be happy. I suppose it would depend on how much he wanted it; if it was appropriate we could always come to a compromise - eg.24/7 at weekends, but it would also depend on how much I didn’t want it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
B) you wanted to have/experiment with having a 24//7 lifestyle and he didn't?


I can understand that, but then if I really wanted to experiment with full TPE 24/7, I wouldn’t be getting what I wanted out of a relationship where that wasn’t happening. I expect I’d be more comfortable with this than with the first option though.
 
 
If by 24/7, we mean total control, needing to ask permission to do small simple things, there is no way it would work with me anyway (might well work for some subs though). If on the other hand, if we mean total ownership emotionally, and deferring when called on, that is something entirely different, while the first example might involve a high level of control, the second might actually be a more sincere ownership as it definitely comes from the heart, and the first may or may not… which is where it starts to get too complicated to define a number of set levels!

(in reply to AquaticSub)
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RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 12:37:00 PM   
WantonThroat


Posts: 18
Joined: 1/14/2006
Status: offline 		Master was looking for a slave, I was looking for a Master.  I became His on our first meeting.  We consider ourselves lifestyle D/sers and 24/7 but I am by no means in chains all day with my eyes averted.  No matter what He is always the Master,  I may be hyper and goofy and talking too much about something, but He loves me...

We are lovers, friends, companions...but first and foremost He is Master.  I go to the gym...because Master wants me to be healthy and happy...I work full time...I have friends and family.  He wants a well rounded, enjoyable person to be around so He would never stop me from doing these things...and Yes, sometimes I can NOT get all the laundry done on time, which I feel horrible about.  Sometimes He has to make lunch for Himself.

He knows that if it is humanly possible I WILL serve.  It hurts me not to be able to serve.  If He thinks I am being lazy, I will be punished (and not in a good way).

Aqua, I think alot of my submission is in my head.  I try to be slavely in many things...He notices, but it does not affect daily activities at all.
- I have a slave chair that I am allowed to sit in...If I wish to sit on the sofa with Him or on my own I will kneel and ask.
- If I want an unhealthy treat I will kneel and request it...sometimes He will say yes, sometimes no...but always based on my exercise or work that day. 
- I serve His food at a kneal.
- I have a front load washer and dryer and put all of His clothing in while at a kneel.
- I put the groceries in the fridge at a kneel.
- I always ask if I can go to bed, or if He is in there already I kneel and ask if I may join Him

I have daily rituals, most of which He is not even aware of, which I feel make me a better slave.

I also feel that as Master, His life should be as stress free as possible, so I do not expect Him to be cracking the whip and micromanaging all the time.  That is stressful, and I would be failing as a slave if I made Him work to hard to have me.

When He says I am easy to own, it makes me happy.

So I think you most CERTAINLY dont have to leave your present relationship in order to have a  more 24/7 service...be a good slave and work toward it on your own.  It will make Him happy.

His s.

(in reply to kinkiminx)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 4:20:01 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: adaddysgirl

Hmmmm......this sounds like a 'biggie' Aqua.  You are interested in eventual 24/7 live in and he is not?  Do you think that will change in some reasonable amount of time?  Obviously, you will have to decide how important this ultimately is to you but it does sound like an important issue that will eventually need to be resolved. 
 
When i was in a LDR, we had a plan of living together once my son graduated from high school and i could relocate.  That was a tangible goal we both looked forward to.  The relationship didn't end up going that far but it was important we shared that same goal. 
 
It makes me wonder too....for others here in LDRs.  Do you have eventual plans to live together...or is that not a definite at this time?  Just curious.
 
In any event, good luck with this 
 
DG


I wonder about a 24/7 d/s relationship, I'm not sure if I want one. I'm not sure if it's important enough to me to leave a man I know loves me more then any other has in the past. I'm not sure he knows what it would mean to be more "out of the bedroom" so to speak. I have discussed it with him in the context of asking him for a day where I am his Pet all day to order to more explore this part of me. Who knows what will happen?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to adaddysgirl)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 4:24:12 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Rayne58

*fast reply*

I have always said that ours is a relationship first. The D/s is the icing on the cake. That said, I am naturally submissive and so it carries over outside our sexual relationship. I am His carer as He has renal failure and diabetes. I wear His collar and in less than 3 weeks we will have wedding rings.

I feel like I belong for the first time in my life. I am loved and appreciated and cared about. We do not feel the need to go to play parties or munches, my collar looks just like a normal piece of jewellery, and really there are no visible signs of the "kinky" side of our lives. I call Him by His given name, or a pet name (as He does me), except during play then He is Sir or Master and I am slut

We have lived together for almost 3 years now. We are both happy with the level of D/s in the relationship, though sometimes play has to take a back seat due to His health. However the dynamic is always there


Bold is mine.

I am so happy to hear someone else say that.  That has always been his view and while it's never been hard for me to accept, I have been wondering about what it would be like to have more out of the bedroom dominance and submission. I like his view that I am his girlfriend first. I guess I just can't help wondering what the other side would be like. Human nature I suppose.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Rayne58)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Levels of d/s and lifestyle - 11/19/2006 4:27:57 PM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BDSM05478

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
Edited to add: By 24/7 I mean you are pet/slave/submission all that time, not that you aren't living together. My dominant and I have lived together and will be soon again, but we don't have a 24/7 d/s relationship because he wants time where I am just Aqua, his girlfriend.


It seems to me that He assumes that by being in a 24/7 lifestyle, He would be sacrificing time with you. That if you were in a TPE, you would no longer be the "normal" girl that he can just chill and talk openly with..... This is not the case imo or in my situation. A 24/7 dynamic does not limit the amount of casual interaction. In our home, Daddy dictates all tasks and daily routines but allows me to be my normal goofy funny self, that is what he loves about me and encourages me to always be able to speak my mind so long as i remember to do so in a respectfull tone and appropriate topics. It all depends on what you are comfortable with and what He considers to be importent..... i hope i understood that right and my response was helpful


Thank you for your response. You are right, I think. Before me he didn't have any experience with BDSM in the bedroom, let alone with a woman who simply was a submissive and there was nothing to be done about it. I taught him as much as could about the techinical parts (flogging, wax drips, so on) and the rest he learned at play parties. It turns out he was one of those "vanilla" guys who had always thought about but never had a chance! This has definately given me a point to consider when I talk to him about it again. Thank you.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to BDSM05478)
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