Red flags?

Red flags? (Full Version)

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jblack -> Red flags? (11/18/2006 11:18:59 PM)
I have a question that's specific to a particular situation and one that is for a more general context. For the first question, I need to explain the context, so here goes: I've been corresponding with someone from another site, and he seems to be exceptionally patient. I'm very inexperienced, and he has often expressed a willingness to let me move at my own pace and to set and reset limits as I learn more about what I like and what I'd rather only fantasize about. But my "trust-worthy" radar isn't always so great, so I'm trying to cultivate a sense of healthy paranoia. In this quest, I've noticed some things and wondered if they are red flags or if I'm just panicking unnecessarily over nothing (which I've been known to do): 1. When we chat on IM, he never asks me anything and responds to questions very briefly, but his emails are long and detailed. 2. He's been married and divorced twice, but he didn't mention either wife or any kids until asked specifically. 3. He says he doesn't have any specific fetishes or fantasies but just wants to fulfill my fantasies. I think I'm slightly worried because he always seems to say the "right" thing, and you know what they say about things that sound to good to be true. He's much older and more experienced than I am, and I think I'm worried that he might know all the right "lines." Are there red flags there or am I just being overly cautious? Okay, now, for the more general question: what are some common red flags that a sub might keep her eyes open to when trying to choose someone trustworthy?

dcnovice -> RE: Red flags? (11/18/2006 11:41:57 PM)
quote: When we chat on IM, he never asks me anything and responds to questions very briefly, but his emails are long and detailed. I'm too new to know what red flags to warn you about. Hopefully, others will chime in. FWIW, I'm not entirely surprised that he's better at e-mail than IMing. I find the latter a real challenge, particularly if I have another window open too.

slavemaia -> RE: Red flags? (11/18/2006 11:42:18 PM)
Unfortunately, at least from my experience, there is no way to find out about someone except to find out. i've kissed alot of toads before finding my prince and i don't look back with alot of regret. It was all part of what i needed to do to find what i was searching for. There's no harm in continuing your conversations (at a safe distance) until you feel more sure about moving further to say, a first meeting. In terms of red flags for me, i learned what they are after i did all the dumb things i did and not before. i learned i don't have to prove my submission to anyone. i don't have to obey someone because they call themself a Dom or a Master. i don't have to give descriptions of my body parts to men i don't know. i become owned and willing to obey when "i" say, no one else. Basically, i think if you continue on getting acquainted, you'll find out if this person is someone you're interested in getting to know further or not. Try to be patient. i know it's hard, but try. And best of luck to you.

SamKeithsslave -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 12:12:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jblack 1. When we chat on IM, he never asks me anything and responds to questions very briefly, but his emails are long and detailed. It could be that he is just working at the time or chatting with others and so keeping it short. Same could be said for answers that take a while to come back. Is he not asking questions because you are telling him all about you so he has no need to? I know I tend to run off at the mouth sometimes lol, and leave nothing unknown. 2. He's been married and divorced twice, but he didn't mention either wife or any kids until asked specifically. Well quite imply he may not have mentioned it first because he is now divorced and single and doesnt consider it neccessary? Or the experiences may have been bad and thats why he didnt bring them up for fear you'd ask him about them. 3. He says he doesn't have any specific fetishes or fantasies but just wants to fulfill my fantasies. Some men are just happy to get what they can, LOL. I think everyone has some fantasy etc, but he may just not be willing or ready to share them right now? I think I'm slightly worried because he always seems to say the "right" thing, and you know what they say about things that sound to good to be true. He's much older and more experienced than I am, and I think I'm worried that he might know all the right "lines." Are there red flags there or am I just being overly cautious? The above could be red flags or could just be what I have explained them to be and nothing more. I tend to be too trusting and will take people at face value and assume they are being honest until I find out otherwise. Okay, now, for the more general question: what are some common red flags that a sub might keep her eyes open to when trying to choose someone trustworthy? Red flags for me with online people (and I meet a lot of people online) are things like; Does he suddenly go offline with explanation - over and over again? Is he caution to not allow you to see his face either in pics or via cam? Does he refuse to give you his phone number so you can call him? Is he too affectionate too soon? Thats all I can come up with at the moment.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 12:27:55 AM)
I dont see any major red flags in what youve given us. Personally, I know I do not advertize my divorce unless specifically asked. I consider myself single, and I only mention that I am divorced if specificaly asked. I dont have particular fetishes or fantasies either, and when I am beginning with someone brand new to the scene, I tend to follow along their fantasies at first to see what they are into and then go from there. And of course, most people are short and brief in IMs even if they are wordy in emails. You have the luxury of pondering your email, thinking of exactly how to word things and explain your ideas, while IMs are much faster and much more fast paced. Red flags Id look for. A specific schedule for you to call, assuming he furnishes a phone number. Calls going to voicemail and being returned shortly later on a regular basis Making and breaking appointments to talk online or on the phone often Forgetting to call you if he has said he would. Main red flag: Wanting to meet for the first time in a private location. Be safe and good luck. If you need any advice, never hesitate to ask. DV

mystiquenz -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 12:42:43 AM)
red flags, are unique to each encounter. if he is far away from you, why are either of you bothering with a LDR? Is he known by the locals in his community, have you spoken to others who know him, how long have you been speaking to him, can he supply the name of a list of people he has played with ... if he's a private player, do you know you will be safe? As a matter of note, online friends do not count. Go and do some background reading there are lots of sites, online, with a wealth of information, take your time, and don't rush the first meeting. Relax, have fun, and be safe,ensure someone knows where you are, and who you are with, you don't want to be a statitstic. Don't waste your time with empty promises and roads to nowhere ... i would suggest to get off line and join a local group in your area ... or at least meet this potential Dom on mutual ground and a munch table is a good place to start. it is not always positive to pin your hopes on dreams, always save a little back in reserve for yourself, so that if you have to start over, you have some of your energy left, and your flame will reignite. Take things slowly, and breath! Enjoy what's around you. If it doesn't feel right, then walk away ...

slavejali -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 12:47:35 AM)
I dunno...I know there were things I was watching out for when I started chatting, but basically as soon as I came online Master pounced on me so I didn't realy have much experience with fakes...but there was one guy I chatted to for like 15 minutes and the next thing he was saying he was going on holidays soon and wanted to stay at my house and that he wouldn't make me do anything I didnt want to as long as I was a good slave ..or something like that... that was a big freakin red flag to me.... I think like others have said to you, there arent any major red flags so far, there could be a variety of reasons for those things.

SamKeithsslave -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 12:53:53 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mystiquenz red flags, are unique to each encounter. if he is far away from you, why are either of you bothering with a LDR? Often online LDR's can become close real life relationships. I wouldnt discount someone I seem to click with based on their location. I'd hope that if we clicked enough we'd overcome the distance somehow. Is he known by the locals in his community, have you spoken to others who know him, how long have you been speaking to him, can he supply the name of a list of people he has played with ... if he's a private player, do you know you will be safe? As a matter of note, online friends do not count. I have not been adverse to the occassional Intelius background check on someone, especially if/when I feel myself becoming attached. Take things slowly, and breath! Enjoy what's around you. If it doesn't feel right, then walk away ... And run if neccessary [;)]

mystiquenz -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 1:10:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SamKeithsslave Often online LDR's can become close real life relationships. I wouldnt discount someone I seem to click with based on their location. I'd hope that if we clicked enough we'd overcome the distance somehow. I am merely putting ideas into a melting pot. I am not averse to LDRs, but from my own experience, they are generally, time wasters ... We can invest a lot of energy and time, for no return. Just my two cents worth! However, I also have some lovely friends, who established their D/s relationships from online chat. One particular couple who i hold in high esteem, have a relationship that is strong, and both are incredibly well suited. Sometimes online, and especially LDRs, move too soon, too quickly, and are void of reality. When it comes to the crunch, there is often an excuse, and the hurt that emptiness that i have experienced, has been worse, than a real time encounter that had no future. The purpose of my post was ask questions that the lady who posted, could have thought about. It by no means, is a definitive statement on LDRs in general. Just one girl's experience, and i'm sure there are others, with similar experiences. I have not been adverse to the occassional Intelius background check on someone, especially if/when I feel myself becoming attached. I would endorse this action, and have done so as well. If you don't look after yourself, then who else will? And run if neccessary [;)] And definitely, have your skates well oiled for a fast get away! lol hence the safety network. A good dominant would always ensure that the sub has a network in place before such a meeting, but a player, may very well not care for such safety procedures. Waves to SamKeithslave across the Tasman ditch, it's lovely to meet you.

jblack -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 1:17:38 AM)
Thanks, everyone! It was very reassuring to get another perspective, especially since I tend to overanalyze. Just to clarify, we met online, and he lives about 30 miles away; we're close enough to meet in real life and probably will soon. Unfortunately, I'm not part of the BDSM community here yet (I only discovered its existence a few weeks ago), so I don't know who to ask about his reputation, especially since his previous partners probably live in other yet nearby towns. Anyway, thanks again. I really appreciate your advice and insights!

SamKeithsslave -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 1:22:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mystiquenz quote: ORIGINAL: SamKeithsslave Often online LDR's can become close real life relationships. I wouldnt discount someone I seem to click with based on their location. I'd hope that if we clicked enough we'd overcome the distance somehow. I am merely putting ideas into a melting pot. I am not averse to LDRs, but from my own experience, they are generally, time wasters ... <snipped> The purpose of my post was ask questions that the lady who posted, could have thought about. It by no means, is a definitive statement on LDRs in general. Just one girl's experience, and i'm sure there are others, with similar experiences. Yes, sorry I did understand you were just putting forward your ideas etc. I was merely stating that from my personal POV I dont rule people out because of distance, though I agree somethings can not be overcome and at all times one needs to be wary that until your face to face you dont really know someone. I have not been adverse to the occassional Intelius background check on someone, especially if/when I feel myself becoming attached. I would endorse this action, and have done so as well. If you don't look after yourself, then who else will? Yep and its remarkably cheap considering the peace of mind it gives you in return. And run if neccessary [;)] And definitely, have your skates well oiled for a fast get away! lol hence the safety network. A good dominant would always ensure that the sub has a network in place before such a meeting, but a player, may very well not care for such safety procedures. Waves to SamKeithslave across the Tasman ditch, it's lovely to meet you. Waving back [:)]

mystiquenz -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 1:35:38 AM)
JBlack, just quickly, before i retire for the night, it is not a matter of checking with other subs/slaves who may have served him, that you need to worry about, questions if you do make contact would be: Does he give aftercare following a scene? Is there follow through? Not the status of their relationship ... it's not a witch digging expression, but the last thing you want is to find you meet, and in time play, he puts you through your hoops, and he's nowhere to be found for the aftercare. Some doms simply aren't there ... and others are. It's important to know what sort of person your dealing with. Re munch venues, do a google search for bdsm and the name of your area, and see what you can find, alternatively, i'm sure someone will make contact with you, and will advise you of a list if you are interested enough to find out. The wealth of real time people, is there for the taking, support and friendship, encouragement and education. That's what it is all about. Take care, and tread softly.

adaddysgirl -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 2:06:17 AM)
quote: Red flags for me with online people (and I meet a lot of people online) are things like; Does he suddenly go offline with explanation - over and over again? Is he caution to not allow you to see his face either in pics or via cam? Does he refuse to give you his phone number so you can call him? Is he too affectionate too soon? quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire Red flags Id look for. A specific schedule for you to call, assuming he furnishes a phone number. Calls going to voicemail and being returned shortly later on a regular basis Making and breaking appointments to talk online or on the phone often Forgetting to call you if he has said he would. Main red flag: Wanting to meet for the first time in a private location. Wow....you guys got it right on the money! DV, Not too long ago, a dom contacted me. In short, he would have me call him on his cell phone at 11PM (which was fine by me). But he never answered the phone! Then a half an hour or an hour later he would call me back. This went on every night. Then i asked him why he wanted me to call him at 11 when he knew he wasn't available? He said because he might be! Then on the weekends, he would tell me he was going to call at a certain time, but he never called at the time he said he would. Seemed this guy was always tied up with something. And i had his home phone number but he never answered that. So i just ended up feeling either something else was up or he just didn't have time for the type of relationship i was looking for.....so that pretty much ended. He then told me it was my loss! i don't think so....lol. Anyway...both of you offer good advice. i would have to agree. And to the OP....i would say.....go with 'your gut'. When something just doesn't feel right, give it a closer look. You might be more on target than you think. Good luck in your venture [&:] Daddysgirl

MissUnleaded -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 5:05:52 AM)
I'm a bit different to most here because I would consider two divorces to be a red flag. Not that he didn't mention them, but that he's failed twice to make serious relationships work. I would be especially concerned if he was very bitter about these divorces and entirely blamed his exes for them. Whether or not you should consider them red flags depends on what you are looking for in a relationship. These are things which I consider red flags from personal experience, although I am no longer looking: 1. He has a history of failed relationships which he is bitter about and which he accepts no blame for. He tries to get sympathy about how badly these horrible women treated him. 2. He reacts violently to situations which don't warrant such an emotional response. He has strong mood swings with little or no reason for them. 3. He pushes to meet up sooner than you are comfortable with and then mocks you for being too careful and for worrying too much about personal safety. Actually, I like to wait a while because it helps screen out losers like this, not because I'm particularly worried about meeting 'tit-slicers'. 4. He thinks he can make you enjoy certain acts just by virtue of his dominance. 5. He finds parts of the female anatomy repulsive. He refuses to kiss you after you give him a BJ. 6. He doesn't keep his word and gets angry and defensive when called on it. 7. He's married or in a long term relationship, whether the other half knows or not. These aren't 'red flags' as such but kill my interest pretty quickly: 1. Uses phrases like 'little one' to refer to submissives and talks about what a precious gift submission is. I just find this so trite and unimaginative, like it's been taken straight from some BDSM script of the perfect dom. Likewise the 'on your knees and obey Me' type. 2. Doesn't have any particular fantasies/interests of his own, says he just wants to please me, and is very vague about what he enjoys. Or, if he does ever get specific, he then retracts if I disagree or dislike them. Hey, good luck with it. I say, even if you're new you should proceed with caution but ultimately trust your gut. So many times I have ignored a visceral reaction to someone, only to realise later that I was right the first time.

Ava82 -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 6:27:20 AM)
The only half-red flag I see is that he doesn't have fantasies of his own. That makes me think 1) he is a HNG just looking to get fucked; 2) his fantasies are really off the wall and he thinks they may frighten you, or 3) he's trying to present himself as a caring Dom (not entirely bad). The way I avoid the whole "I just want to please you" thing is to ask a prospective partner what their fantasy of a perfect day with their sub would be. Where would they go, what would they do. Sexuality is extremely personal; everyone has fantasies or scenarios that get them going!

mnottertail -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 6:50:45 AM)
I will go down with this ship; I won't pluck my eyes out and surrender; there will be no red flag above my door My apologies to Dido Ron

Aileen68 -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 7:20:56 AM)
People communicate in different ways. I find that my first few email exchanges with someone tend to be somewhat formal and not focused on exchanging tons of info. I try not to make judgements at this point because I'm still getting used to their style of communicating, as I think they are with me. As I get more comfortable, the talk turns to more of a casual banter and this is when I tend to ask questions. If someone avoids answering or gives answers that don't meet my criteria during this level of communication I tend to start to analyze their answers and them. If I can't get comfortable talking to someone casually, that's a big flag for me. Sorry for the ramble...only one cup of coffee this morning.

Quivver -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 9:30:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Ava82 The only half-red flag I see is that he doesn't have fantasies of his own. That makes me think 1) he is a HNG just looking to get fucked; 2) his fantasies are really off the wall and he thinks they may frighten you, or 3) he's trying to present himself as a caring Dom (not entirely bad). The way I avoid the whole "I just want to please you" thing is to ask a prospective partner what their fantasy of a perfect day with their sub would be. Where would they go, what would they do. Sexuality is extremely personal; everyone has fantasies or scenarios that get them going! that too was the only thing i questioned. every man, nilla or not that i've talked to has some fantasy they play over and over in thier head that efffects that other head. I found that statement weird................. other then that, no flags here.

happypervert -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 10:12:14 AM)
Sometimes there is no one red flag but a number of "oddities" add up to something not being right. If you're getting uneasy enough to ask about it you should consider being cautious about letting down your defenses further until you've gotten to the bottom of it. It also depends on what you're looking for. If you're only interested in on-line exploration, then this fella sounds just right with all his patience and emphasis on exploring your fantasies in writing. However if you are thinking about meeting him someday you may end up disappointed -- from the brief description you've given us my gut tells me he prefers developing fantasies from behind a keyboard rather than in real life. Otherwise he'd be suggesting a meeting so you could get the ball rolling to developing the relationship further; after all, it is easy to be patient when you have no intention of meeting and getting a girl on her knees. But that is just me -- one of my red flags is someone who is content with extended on-line flirtations without moving toward face-to-face meetings. Seems those folks prefer having their fantasies in their heads to actually trying them out.

RedSavageSlave -> RE: Red flags? (11/19/2006 10:45:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: jblack I think I'm slightly worried because he always seems to say the "right" thing, and you know what they say about things that sound to good to be true. He's much older and more experienced than I am, and I think I'm worried that he might know all the right "lines." Are there red flags there or am I just being overly cautious? One thing I have always believed is that you should always go with your gut. There seems to be something that is making you wonder about this person. You can never really be overly cautious when it comes to online relationships. However, it could be that there is nothing wrong with this person other than his style is not your style. Maybe your "red flags:" are nothing more than a signal to your brain that this particular person is not the one you are seeking. There is nothing wrong with being honest with both yourself and him about this. I gather from your posting that he is not what you expected to "submit" to. I think your examples #1 and 3 are pretty clear. He doesnt seem to be a dom to you. You expect someone who is more forceful in his own desires and needs and not so much into "whatever she wants" kind of D/s BDSM. You also want someone who can communicate clearly in a give and take conversation. Not someone who can only do so in a monologue. Listen to that voice. Talk to him about your concerns and be honest..however, if that little voice doesnt go away..its ok to say "Good luck on your search".

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