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should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 3:37:43 AM

truecallings

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Joined: 5/20/2006
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ok trying to keep this as short as poss so as not to bore you too death
my partner of 15 years became my master 3 years a go ( the best of times ) but in the last year hes control stoped or droped to nothing for weeks on end
after a few months of feeling lost and unsure of my plae i spoke with him about how i was felling and he said hed keep on top of it (does that sound too u like an unwanted task )
for a few weeks he was back to his normal self but soon went back to nothing no play no control nothing i spoke with him once more but agian after a promise to do better he stoped agian after a month of nothing i asked him to release me and he did with hardy a fight
we have now been vanila for 4 weeks but he says hes misisng it and wants to go back hes reason dosnt seem enough to me
what would u do ?(the worst of times )

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 3:45:43 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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quote:

what would u do ?(the worst of times )

Honestly? I would probably cry and act like a complete maniac not knowing what the relationship was/is or where its going.

I'm sorry for your situation. You guys have been together a long time, maybe the D/s stuff was just a bit of fun for him but it got old and hejust wants to sink back into life as it was. If thats the case, and you love him, you might just have to do that too .

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 4:06:18 AM

SamKeithsslave

Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: truecallings

ok trying to keep this as short as poss so as not to bore you too death
my partner of 15 years became my master 3 years a go ( the best of times ) but in the last year hes control stoped or droped to nothing for weeks on end
after a few months of feeling lost and unsure of my plae i spoke with him about how i was felling and he said hed keep on top of it (does that sound too u like an unwanted task )
for a few weeks he was back to his normal self but soon went back to nothing no play no control nothing i spoke with him once more but agian after a promise to do better he stoped agian after a month of nothing i asked him to release me and he did with hardy a fight
we have now been vanila for 4 weeks but he says hes misisng it and wants to go back hes reason dosnt seem enough to me
what would u do ?(the worst of times )

It sounds to me as if he may have only been playing the role of Dom in order to please you as he knew you enjoyed it? Its hard to say for sure as you havent given much detail as to why after 12 years of being together you both decided to embark on the D/s lifstyle? And I am not sure I understand, you asked for release but stayed together? Or you separated? Maybe the best solution is to simply sit down and have a good long honest discussion about what it is you both want. Its hard to say for sure, but I'd hesitate a guess that he might be happy to occassionally play the Dom in the bedroom, but isnt interested in the lifestyle. So maybe some compromise is neccessary? If you want to remain together. I couldnt say what I would do, I'd have to live the situation, but I do know I;d sit and talk long and hard about what we both wanted etc etc. Communication is the key.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 4:18:22 AM

adaddysgirl

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Your profile says you are married with kids. Should i presume you are married to your Master and have kids in the house? That would seem to make it a bit more complicated when you talk about 'going back'. Are you willing to live with him and just be vanilla for the sake of the family? Or are you really looking to break away to find a more compatible partner?

i wouldn't ask all these questions but if you are married and kids are involved, that may put a little different twist on it than just leaving an otherwise lifelong partner to find something better.

Daddysgirl

< Message edited by adaddysgirl -- 11/19/2006 4:19:05 AM >

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 5:57:36 AM

justheather

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Sometimes the energy in a relationship cycles down. Having been together for so long, you have no doubt seen this happen with regard to other aspects of your relationship... when the energy cycles down to what seems like none, it might be that you have to ride a wave until it peaks again. Sometimes when something new comes into a situation (a new dynamic) it has to cycle up and down a few times before you find a level where it will work for you long-term, given the particulars of your relationship and both your levels of desire to express the dynamic.

Patience is usually rewarded in one way or another. Perhaps you just need to be patient and encourage him to communicate about his expectations as you share yours with him.

While you are at it, you could discuss ways that you can keep the dynamic real for both of you (a sort of pilot light, if you will) even when for whatever reason the flame is turned down for a bit.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 7:43:30 AM

juliaoceania

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I agree with justheather, you should look at the other ups and downs of your complete relationship before investing too much negative energy and becoming too upset about this situation. Perhaps if you think about other bad times it can refresh your memory about how to cope with that.

I do not know which parts of your Ds dynamic you specifically are missing his attention in, bedroom aspects, emotional aspects, or guidance aspects, but there are some ways that you can continue to be who you are within the confines of your relationship in regard to your submissiveness. I find it hard to believe that there may not be something on his mind that is taking his dom energy away such as work problems, money problems, or other difficulties. It often has nothing to do with us as to why our partner is acting differently.

I would not alllow myself to take this personally if I were you, and I would try to create a soft place to land for him. His lack of being able to fulfill his place in the relationship is about him. I would just try to create a place where he is safe to express himself. If you do that a two fold thing happens... you feel better because you are not taking his attitude personally, and that frees you up to help him face whatever it may be that is troubling him in a positive way.

Edited to add (not that you do not know this) that dominant people can sometimes have trouble leaning on their submissives. Everyone needs to lean on their life partner at some point though, no one is strong all the time.

I hope my comment was helpful

< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/19/2006 7:45:01 AM >

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 8:28:26 AM

afeathr

Posts: 248
Joined: 6/1/2006
From: Southern California
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quote:

ORIGINAL: truecallings

ok trying to keep this as short as poss so as not to bore you too death
my partner of 15 years became my master 3 years a go ( the best of times ) but in the last year hes control stoped or droped to nothing for weeks on end
after a few months of feeling lost and unsure of my plae i spoke with him about how i was felling and he said hed keep on top of it (does that sound too u like an unwanted task )
for a few weeks he was back to his normal self but soon went back to nothing no play no control nothing i spoke with him once more but agian after a promise to do better he stoped agian after a month of nothing i asked him to release me and he did with hardy a fight
we have now been vanila for 4 weeks but he says hes misisng it and wants to go back hes reason dosnt seem enough to me
what would u do ?(the worst of times )

You need to talk to him, openly and honestly about your feelings, period. And he needs to do the same with you.

Decide what you will only *after* you have both discussed it.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/19/2006 1:46:01 PM

proudsub

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Sounds to me like he just likes a little kink or roll play but isn't a dominant at heart. You might get some ideas by seaching for "vanilla partner" and vanilla spouse" threads. Good luck with it.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/20/2006 6:45:46 AM

truecallings

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the answer too that is yes we are maried and we have 3 kids
and i dont plane on leaving him just not being his sub anymore and as easy as that is to go back to being vanilla i still desire that control

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/20/2006 6:57:56 AM

adaddysgirl

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From: Syracuse, NY
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quote:

ORIGINAL: truecallings

the answer too that is yes we are maried and we have 3 kids
and i dont plane on leaving him just not being his sub anymore and as easy as that is to go back to being vanilla i still desire that control

Ahhh...i see now. It is tough going back to vanilla once you enjoyed the D/s. But it sounds like you're just going to have to make the best of what you have. Since you're not going anywhere anyway, maybe giving it another shot without too much expectation might be worth a try?

i do feel for ya. Good luck with this one.

DG

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/20/2006 11:10:34 AM

BossySSBBW

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Has he been checked for depression? Have you had an indepth conversation about what is going on that has caused him to be not as dominant? Perhaps he needs a break, perhaps the kids are making him think twice, perhaps he is depressed and needs meds, maybe work is not going so well.
Communication is the most important part in any relationship. Make him sit and talk. Good luck.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/20/2006 11:27:19 AM

kittensangel

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/25/2006
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The question is what kind of dominance you want. Do you want someone to micromanger you? or do you just want someone who makes all teh final decions? This someting i think both of you need to ask each other and see if you can't come up wiht a compermise their.

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/20/2006 11:31:35 PM

truecallings

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after reading your post i asked him to read too and we had a long chat about what we both wanted and needed from the d/s funny but it was very much the same
3 weeks with no control had left him feeling as lost as i was and knowing that something he had taken for granted was worth spending more time over
he has asked me to take his coller back but with 2 extra rule ......
that once a week ( or more often if needed ) we will sit at tell each outher how things are going and not get lost on whats not being done but what is >
and that i have to be happy he hates seeing me sad (so sweet)
so thank u for your imput and hopefully this page has helped us see were we were going wrong

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RE: should i go back ? - 11/22/2006 5:16:31 PM

babysburnin

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My Dom and I just went through this. I thought I understood what he wanted - and vice versa, but we were ASSUMING even with good communication. I wish you the best, it's difficult to step back and re-evaluate ... and then adjust.

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