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My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:00:28 AM

ghenil

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

Hi all,
A few weeks ago, I married a wonderful, attractive, intelligent woman. I am crazy in love with her, but I need more in the way of bdsm play, specifically as a bottom. We have had plenty of bondage in our past, but when we get to the more extreme side (pegging, nipple torture, etc), she gets squeamish, and the passion dies with her dissatisfaction. I would love to be at her mercy for days on end, and eventually be her slave in public and perhaps spend some time in the NYC bdsm scene, but I don't know how to make it appealing to her. She loves dominating me on a small scale, how can I ratchet it up a notch?

Post #: 1

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:22:28 AM

MistressCamille

Posts: 107
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

If it's not in her heart to do more it will most likely never happen. I'd hardly call pegging "extreme". You want a sadist and she's not one. You really should have brought this out in the open before you got married.

You can't make her be what you want any more than you could give up bottoming.

< Message edited by MistressCamille -- 11/19/2006 5:23:46 AM >

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 2

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:23:20 AM

medievalwench

Posts: 249
Joined: 10/31/2006
Status: offline

Discuss it more with her, talk about why you are desiring the things you do and what She might get out of it, but ultimately you can't get someone to do things they don't enjoy - there is a thread about 'Topping from the Bottom', which might be the way things would be if She was doing what you want without it being fun for Her.
i do understand how you feel though, there are some things which i enjoy that Master doesn't like and W/we just have to try to compromise,
Good Luck,
wench

_____________________________

"Beauty is in the eye of the key holder" - my Master <g>

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 3

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:25:04 AM

tangldupinblue

Posts: 230
Joined: 3/20/2006
Status: offline

the quick answer is...you can't...it has to come from inside her.

(in reply to medievalwench)

Post #: 4

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:29:50 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

I think you should count your blessings and be patient. If you’re not you will push to a point where she completely rejects it. Trust me on this one. I have worked with lots of couples and this is exactly how it happens.

It’s easy to get excited and overwhelm a lover because you’ve waited so long to make that perfect connection of love and passion. You’re ready to take all your kinks and throw them at her. Trust me when I tell you that it won’t work that way. You will have a much more fulfilling relationship if she adopts these things herself. That’s why you need to take it slow and let some things be HER idea.
I also think you should consider getting her that book, “When Someone you Love Is Kinky”.

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(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 5

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:29:52 AM

ghenil

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

You've hit on it exactly, Wench. I don't want to lead her into doing the things I want, but she doesn't initiate bdsm play, so I feel like I'm pushing it on her. However, when she does dominate me, she always has a fantastic time...often multiple fantastic times. Is there anyone out there who was hesitant about bondage at first, but came to love it? What brought you around?

(in reply to medievalwench)

Post #: 6

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 5:50:38 AM

medievalwench

Posts: 249
Joined: 10/31/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ghenil

You've hit on it exactly, Wench. I don't want to lead her into doing the things I want, but she doesn't initiate bdsm play, so I feel like I'm pushing it on her. However, when she does dominate me, she always has a fantastic time...often multiple fantastic times. Is there anyone out there who was hesitant about bondage at first, but came to love it? What brought you around?

Master was nervous at first, though He was naturally Dominant in some ways He was uncomfortable with 'hurting' me, W/we talked about it a lot and took things slowly and He mostly loves it. He does not always initiate things as often as i wish but i'm happy with what i've got.
He is less sadistic than i am masochistic but He does sometimes notch it up a level for my pleasure though i then do a lot of things for Him in return, i would of course prefer it if He loved inflicting the level of pain i like, but no relationship is perfect.
i certainly wouldn't leave Him as things tend to progress with us, even if it takes months or years; and some of the things W/we do now i'm sure He never thought would happen; all of His other relationships were vanilla.
Cheers,
wench

_____________________________

"Beauty is in the eye of the key holder" - my Master <g>

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 7

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 7:58:19 AM

MstrssPassion

Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline

You can't make her to be the dominant that you want her to be.
That is the most simple answer you will receive about this. She is not a windup toy that you can give a couple twists to & have her dance around & amuse you when the mood strikes you. If having a dominant that would be more enthusiastic about bdsm activities & parading you around in public is such a NEED in your fulfillment of life then you should not have married this woman who is not. You say you are crazy in love with her... recognize how lucky you are to have love & just let her come into her own within this & accept her no matter where she goes with it all.

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MstrssPassion

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 8

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 8:37:20 AM

medievalwench

Posts: 249
Joined: 10/31/2006
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well said MstrssPassion Ma'am, i totally agree.

wench

_____________________________

"Beauty is in the eye of the key holder" - my Master <g>

(in reply to MstrssPassion)

Post #: 9

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 8:42:44 AM

cindyhypno

Posts: 27
Joined: 11/1/2006
Status: offline

This is all certainly good advice. You cannot make someone be something they are not. I think that is why I see so many *Domme* women just not being where they feel comfortable and end up being wonderfully pleasing submissives. Be who you are and expect your partner to be the same.

Cynthia

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My Site
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(in reply to medievalwench)

Post #: 10

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 9:32:32 AM

MsCece2u

Posts: 85
Joined: 9/10/2005
From: DC
Status: offline

This question reminds Me of when I first started in this lifestyle. I started out as a bottom. When my now ex wanted to be Topped I thought he had lost his damn mind. Then when I took the belt in my hand the first time I was soooooo nervous. But the more I did it the more comfortable I became. But the key was I had to do things at my own pace not at his. Of course before we parted ways he rued the day he asked me to top him but as I always say be careful what you ask for. The point is that she has to do things at her own pace and her own time until she becomes comfortable. She may never be the type of Domme that you desire but then again she may turn out to be more than you can handle.

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Ms Cece
Tis better to let people think that you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

(in reply to cindyhypno)

Post #: 11

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 3:54:37 PM

PhDslave

Posts: 74
Joined: 9/24/2005
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Check out the Elise Sutton site www.femalesuperiority.com . Specifically the segment involving introducing your wife to this. It appears to be pretty good advice.

(in reply to MsCece2u)

Post #: 12

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 4:11:28 PM

cindyhypno

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Joined: 11/1/2006
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That is a very nice site. It kind of says what Women know and men learn. I enjoyed looking at it.

Cynthia

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My Site
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(in reply to PhDslave)

Post #: 13

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 4:28:46 PM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

You're trying to convert her to liking topping you for the sheer pleasure of topping you, yes? Let's try a different tactic. Assuming that these particular activities (pegging, nipple torture) are important to you, you might simply present them as fun activities that you like, NOT activities you want her to learn to like. You then can come to the understanding that she, say, pegs you, and in return, you do something or some set of things she wants. The "something she wants" doesn't have to be sexual, though it may be. You simply need to make it worth her while to do your preferred activity, and do it well. This is a compromise--you repay her being nice to you and doing what you want (topping you) by being nice to her and doing what she wants (to be determined by her).

Whether you do this explicitly or implicitly is a matter of the way you and your wife generally interact. Explicitly is easy--you set a clear contract--and that's my preference: "If I peg you tonight, you'll cook my favorite meal for dinner tomorrow," or whatever exchange works for her. Please remember that if you want her to do these activities she doesn't particularly like with you, you will likely have to do some things you're not keen on doing. Your other option, more discreet, but perhaps less effective, is to do multiple things that cause your wife to express happiness, gently and seductively request one of your desired activities, and, should she acquiesce, you reinforce this behavior by doing more things that cause her to express happiness.

Monica

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 14

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 6:30:56 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Experience and time. Let her get some of both, perhaps take a class(or books) on the subjects that interest her and she may blossom into quite a sadistic Domme.

Its just something you cannot rush or you will kill it for her, she has to discover her sadistic(if she has one) on her own, you need to cheer her on and let her proceed at her own pace.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 15

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/19/2006 9:17:46 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

I would agree with what's been said. The paper is barely off the wedding gifts, thank you cards likely not sent out and you're already looking for the next "new thing". Her focus is on the job she just agreed to wife, spouse and then there's a house to set up. You've made your bed by not discussing this LONG before now. Begging her night after night to tie you up is just going to send her the other direction.
If you seriously want to be a submissive instead of the do me bottom I'm reading try thinking about HER needs a little bit. All I'm reading is wa wa wa I'm not getting kinky sex my way.
When she comes home have a nice drink ready, back rub, foot massage as you take off her heels. Spend time learning the things that make HER life easier. Showing her the benefits of having a submissive help to grab her attention. Read the books that have been mentioned and leave them out, if she's interested or curious she'll pick them up. Otherwise EASE UP!!! You got her to marry you, don't force her and make her regret that decision.

< Message edited by theRose4U -- 11/19/2006 9:19:19 PM >

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Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 16

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/20/2006 5:12:57 AM

DiannaVesta

Posts: 1087
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Mid-Atlantic area
Status: offline

Our site also has a lot of good information and support for women. Its intelligent and she will find good information as well as lots of women into the lifestyle. We have a course called "Becoming a Dominatrix" which is step by step. I update this monthly or more often.

Its also free: http://www.femsupreme.com/village/

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Post #: 17

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/20/2006 9:02:12 PM

draba

Posts: 81
Joined: 2/22/2006
Status: offline

Remember a few things. Most women and a even a few pros that I have talked with that are married, at the end of the day like to have a man take charge in bed and be aggresive. Your wife is willing to give you BDSM lite. Have you tried to top her? Will she enjoy that?. Years ago my wife, out the clear blue sky and without warning, once asked me to spank her. I did top her several times and once was heavy handed and marked her. She enjoyed every minute of it, but the marks really freaked her out and she never requested it again. A few years ago, I request her to dominate me and it was a very slow beginning and certainly not where I want it to be. She is now my wife/mistress and has told me that she does not always want to be my mistress, but have vanilla sex also. She does suggest things and asked me if I would like it. Sometimes her responce is no way could I do that, but was curious about you. So be patient and go at her pace. My wife/mistress does alot more now compared to 2 years ago. I have been married for 12 years. You have only been married for two weeks. Give it some time. Remember, If you are truely submissive, you will do as she wants, not yours.
I also have a mistress that I see and she has been real good about helping me to get my wife more interested.

(in reply to DiannaVesta)

Post #: 18

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/21/2006 6:37:11 PM

missjada

Posts: 30
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline

Give her time.

The problem may be that she sees you as her loving husband and may find it wrong to do such things. In this case you are lucky. So keep that in mind. What she needs is your support in what she is doing is ok. Dont force her! Things like this take time. If it is true that she does enjoy it. Then it will develop over time. For now be happy that she is so understanding and supporting of your needs. Many men are not as lucky as you.

(in reply to ghenil)

Post #: 19

RE: My new wife is a hesitant domme - 11/22/2006 8:32:17 PM

dicipline2

Posts: 63
Joined: 5/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: missjada

Give her time.

The problem may be that she sees you as her loving husband and may find it wrong to do such things. In this case you are lucky. So keep that in mind. What she needs is your support in what she is doing is ok. Dont force her! Things like this take time. If it is true that she does enjoy it. Then it will develop over time. For now be happy that she is so understanding and supporting of your needs. Many men are not as lucky as you.

I think missjade may be right, she may love you so much that she doesnt want to hurt you, not realising that you really enjoy it.

Communication! Communication! Communication! This is absolutely neccesary!

dont be pushy, just let her know that you do enjoy more pain then what she really knows. I am willing to bet you two may not have had a real conversation about this.

(in reply to missjada)

Post #: 20

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