How did it started for you? could you give me some tips?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

How did it started for you? could you give me some tips?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> How did it started for you? could you give me some tips?

Page: [1]

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

How did it started for you? could you give me some tips? - 11/21/2006 10:32:45 AM

Sherazade

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/1/2006
Status: offline

Hello,

I am 26yo, and I was raised in another country, by a very traditional and religious family. This said, I once heard about BDSM, started researching about it, and saw that there are many aspects of being a domme that I enjoy.

However, maybe because of my education, or for being somewhat afraid of what would others say, I feel a little shy about it. Don't know how to get started.... I really would like to get into it, but I am not sure of what to do, how, etc...

I wonder how did the dommes in here started... Also, if there is any site for dommes, to "find" their nature, learn, grow up in the lifestile...

other thing is that I sometimes get emails from guys who say they are submissive, and they have lists of things their dommes NEED to do for them to be happy. Most of the times, there are things in this list I dont enjoy... I understand it need to be consensual and limits need to be respect, but... if the sub is giving all the rules, is it just a pretending game? I mean... doesnt seem so fun if I need to be worried all the time if I am following his list of wants....

Anyway....

Any tip is accepted!

Thank you :)

Profile

Post #: 1

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 10:47:52 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherazade

Hello,

I am 26yo, and I was raised in another country, by a very traditional and religious family. This said, I once heard about BDSM, started researching about it, and saw that there are many aspects of being a domme that I enjoy.

However, maybe because of my education, or for being somewhat afraid of what would others say, I feel a little shy about it. Don't know how to get started.... I really would like to get into it, but I am not sure of what to do, how, etc...

The best way to learn is to find a local group to join. If you go to google and put in BDSM with the name of the nearest large city, you should find something. Think about attending national events with workshops, too. The next "big" thing on the east coast is Black Rose in DC.

Society constraints can often be hard to overcome. Have patience with yourself and realize you don't have to fit into ANY mold or do anything you don't want to do in order to please someone else.

quote:

I wonder how did the dommes in here started... Also, if there is any site for dommes, to "find" their nature, learn, grow up in the lifestile...

There's lots of threads on this. If you use the search function of the forum, you should find some stuff. Most of us see the tendencies stemming from childhood...and many of us discovered the scene online.

quote:

other thing is that I sometimes get emails from guys who say they are submissive, and they have lists of things their dommes NEED to do for them to be happy. Most of the times, there are things in this list I dont enjoy... I understand it need to be consensual and limits need to be respect, but... if the sub is giving all the rules, is it just a pretending game? I mean... doesnt seem so fun if I need to be worried all the time if I am following his list of wants....

There's a difference between wants and needs. Everyone coming into a relationship deserves to have their needs met in order to be a happy and sane person. Wants, however, can often be used as rewards. In the end, if you find that the submissive doesn't have an attitude that you like or wants things that you don't enjoy, they're not a match for you. Simply say that you're not interested, wish them the best and move on.

Welcome to our world!

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Sherazade)

Profile

Post #: 2

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 11:22:00 AM

Lieren

Posts: 29
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline

I'd never really thought about this question before now :) I found this when I was 18 and moved in with my boyfriend, who was a bit submissive (although I had no idea what that was) and didn't want to work. We made an agreement... I would work and he would serve me :) It was wonderful! It taught me a lot about how deeply (or shallowly) I want to practice this lifestyle, what kind of lover I desire, and how integrated with my entire personality my sexuality is.

When I was in search of a partner I was honest and authentic, and I didn't hedge or candycoat. It's helpful to know what you're looking for and why you want to find it. Note that I don't say you have to know what you want to do with it once you find it, because that part is fun to discover based on the chemistry between the two of you.

Regarding the want list... I read an interesting post on an email list that posited that males tend to want to submit because they want it, because of their sexual desires, and females tend to want to submit because of a desire to serve. I found that interesting because I think that it's a pretty accurate generalization of what I've experienced. Of course it's just a generalization, but it helped me to be a bit more understanding of the want list mentality. It's a mixed bag... it's good that they've thought about what they want, but it can leave you feeling like they aren't worried about your needs, only their own.

Anyway, just my rambling 2 cents :)
Lieren

(in reply to Sherazade)

Profile

Post #: 3

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 11:49:34 AM

SweetAndYummy

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/5/2005
From: Rain Central
Status: offline

OP said "and they have lists of things their dommes NEED to do for them" I consider this to be the difference between submissives and slaves. I don't enjoy playing with submissives because you have to dedicate a lot of your time to them and think about their wants. It is the slaves who say 'take me i'm yours'. So the question I'm trying to answer is "if the sub is giving all the rules, is it just a pretending game?" No, they are more submissive than slave.

Hope this helps & I agree that you should try to get to bdsm gatherings like munches! MasterFireMaam always gives awesome advice.

(in reply to Lieren)

Profile

Post #: 4

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 12:42:12 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

Welcome to the wonderful world of female domination.

The first thing you need to realize is that you don't have to pretend to be anything for a submissive. You don't have to cater to a list of demands to "get him" to submit. You don't have to dress a certain way, talk a certain way, or use certain tools to be a femdom.

The most important thing that you possess is comfort and pleasure in your role. The rest will fall into place. One thing male submissives will agree on almost 100% is this: If given the choice between a femdom that fulfills ALL their fantasies (but isn't interested in what she is doing) vs. a femdom that fulfils SOME or NONE of his fantasies but LOVES her role and gets off on what she is doing, the submissive will pick the second one in a heartbeat.

You have to thrive on your domination and love the acts that you are performing. You have to find in yourself what these things are -- and do it by experimenting and finding out what works for you. Enjoy the process. Do not fall victim to pressure by subs to do certain things and in a certain way.

There are help sections on my web site and I have received hundreds of letters from women who are becoming femdoms, and they all say the same thing -- that it's SO much more fulfilling when they are not pressured by expectations from subs. So the ones that are pressuring you -- tell them to back off, and let you do it YOUR way.

Akasha

_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Sherazade)

Profile

Post #: 5

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 3:57:47 PM

dxrinc

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/24/2004
Status: offline

VERY insightful and spot on!
sub dan 43 houston swm & searching 4 swf

(in reply to Lieren)

Profile

Post #: 6

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 11/21/2006 10:37:18 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dxrinc

VERY insightful and spot on!
sub dan 43 houston swm & searching 4 swf

It's generally considered impolite to hijack a thread for the purpose of trolling! If you see someone you like, go on the other side and send them an email!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to dxrinc)

Profile

Post #: 7

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 12/3/2006 8:13:29 AM

Sherazade

Posts: 2
Joined: 10/1/2006
Status: offline

Thank you all who replied! I have found some femdom websites, and reading a lot about the subject, and I am more comfortable with it now... I still need an opinion: I wonder if it would be best to me to first meet a sub who is experient or not? I wonder if an experient sub would try to take advantage of the fact that I have no experience and try to control the relation (what of course I dont want). Do you think it is easier to "work" with not experienced subs at first?

(in reply to MisPandora)

Profile

Post #: 8

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 12/3/2006 8:23:15 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherazade

other thing is that I sometimes get emails from guys who say they are submissive, and they have lists of things their dommes NEED to do for them to be happy. Most of the times, there are things in this list I dont enjoy... I understand it need to be consensual and limits need to be respect, but... if the sub is giving all the rules, is it just a pretending game? I mean... doesnt seem so fun if I need to be worried all the time if I am following his list of wants....

My biggest tip to you or anyone starting out is to do what makes you feel powerful and conscious of your authority. Anythiing else may be topping but it is not domination in my opinion.

People who have lists they want followed are bottoms not submissives (also my opinion) but this website doesn't really have such distinctions it seems.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Sherazade)

Profile

Post #: 9

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 12/3/2006 3:06:49 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetAndYummy

OP said "and they have lists of things their dommes NEED to do for them" I consider this to be the difference between submissives and slaves. I don't enjoy playing with submissives because you have to dedicate a lot of your time to them and think about their wants. It is the slaves who say 'take me i'm yours'. So the question I'm trying to answer is "if the sub is giving all the rules, is it just a pretending game?" No, they are more submissive than slave.

It's interesting that you give this feedback in this manner. Much of the time, I hear this exact argument about why a woman doesn't want a slave because they're alot of responsibility and the owner has to completely engage them in ALL aspects of self (slavehood plus mun's life) rather than just conditionally for the term of the play relationship.

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to SweetAndYummy)

Profile

Post #: 10

RE: How did it started for you? could you give me some ... - 12/3/2006 3:10:59 PM

MisPandora

Posts: 2911
Joined: 4/7/2004
From: Philadelphia, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherazade

Thank you all who replied! I have found some femdom websites, and reading a lot about the subject, and I am more comfortable with it now... I still need an opinion: I wonder if it would be best to me to first meet a sub who is experient or not? I wonder if an experient sub would try to take advantage of the fact that I have no experience and try to control the relation (what of course I dont want). Do you think it is easier to "work" with not experienced subs at first?

Yes, this is a good idea....with a caveat. You could find yourself an exceptional specimen who has experience, comes with references, and has been involved in the community, and he (or she) could teach you quite a bit. There's always a chance, with all relationships, that someone's going to get taken advantage of...that's life. I suspect if you choose wisely and really click with the individual and get along with them, it could be a mutually beneficial situation.

I'm not sure how far where you are in CT is from NYC, but you'd do well to get yourself down to a TES meeting, or to one of the TNG group meetings they hold. I think www.tes.org still has a fem dom SIG (special interest group) that would be well suited to you as well. And if not, you might consider coming up to the Boston Fetish Flea in January to meet some likeminded individuals!

_____________________________

Pandora
Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

(in reply to Sherazade)

Profile

Post #: 11