Dominants moving into their sub's house

Dominants moving into their sub's house (Full Version)

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LeatherBentOne -> Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:40:41 AM)
Sometimes life situations are such that it makes more sense for a Dominant to move into a sub's home rather than the opposite way around. Jobs, kids, home ownership and other reasons make the choice more practical to do so from a common sense perspective. Do you think that when a Dominant moves in with their sub, it changes the D/s dynamic in that the sub may have territorial issues? How would you handle these issues if they existed? After all, it is the submissive's home so would you make concessions around the fact of home ownership in regards to cleanliness and organization within the house? What if you were the one that was willing to clean and organize because you have more time to do so than your sub but your submissive says, "I feel like my identity is being taken away"? To me, I would think that "identity" is established from within and not surrounding material possessions and that territorialism is a means for control through manipulation. Your thoughts here? Thank you for your responses, beforehand.

Kalira -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:50:49 AM)
My first Master and I, he moved into my home. However, when we first met, I was still on the edges of knowing anything about this life. He moved in, I continued just as I had always been. I was the one who cleaned, cooked, looked after the kids. He paid the bills ( he refused to let me work ) . I had no problems with it at all. From the moment he moved his things in it no longer was my house; it was our home.

bandit25 -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:53:47 AM)
Kalira, what a wonderful way of expressing it.

mistoferin -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 6:03:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LeatherBentOne To me, I would think that "identity" is established from within and not surrounding material possessions and that territorialism is a means for control through manipulation. Your thoughts here? .Well, for me it would really require a lot of communication and compromise. I have no issues with choosing whatever home is going to make the most sense for the relationship and I don't think that the home itself is really the issue. I would not wish for a Dominant to move in and pack up all of my things and replace them with his own....nor would I move in with a Dominant who was not open to making our environment a blending of both of our things. While my things are not what makes my identity...they do reflect who I am to a degree or in some cases have sentimental value to me. When it all boils down....no things are not very important in life....but if there is an unwillingness to make compromises that would result in helping me to feel "at home" within my environment I would see that as a very real issue. As in any other relationship I think that communication and compromise is essential when trying to blend two lives. What stays...what goes....what gets bought new.... When making a home together it should reflect that two people occupy that space. I have had Dominants who have told me that they expected me to get rid of all of my things or put them in storage if the relationship progressed to the "move in together" level. I was less than impressed by that way of thinking.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 7:58:15 AM)
Moving in together always takes a lot of adjustment and coordination. I personally don't think who moves into where matters very much- you're both agreeing to live in the same space from here on out and share everything that this means. You respect what a living space is for, you respect what they need and are fulfilled by, and, in theory, everyone is trying to reach a point where everyone is fulfilled in that situation. But then maybe I'm giving people too much credit. It's a learning curve and not always the best. We didn't have to deal with this issue because we moved into a completely new place together, but still there's lots of adjustments and learning about eachother and how to fit in and be happy. http://www.collarchat.com/m_374849/mpage_1/key_moves/tm.htm#374919 Who moves

LaTigresse -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 8:04:19 AM)
For me it would depend on how the new home and it's contents were "presented to me" if that makes any sense. If she were not trying to maintain her ownership (mentally and emotionally) of the space and keep her thinking of it being exclusively her home and therefor she is in control of it and gave me that co-ownership of it being our home I would be perfectly fine with it. I think I would feel and know very quickly if it would work.

slavejali -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 8:24:00 AM)
Master moved into my house, before he did, I tried to make the house as nuetral and new as I could, repainted, new window dressings, took down pictures I had on the wall, packed up a lot of things that would remind me of my life before Master. I thought I did a pretty good job actually.....but as fate would have it, we did eventually move out of there and got another place and I have to say, the home we are in now, even though its only rented, seems more like "his/our home" than the previous one. I think Master is a lot happier with how things are in that regard too now.

juliaoceania -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 8:37:57 AM)
quote: Do you think that when a Dominant moves in with their sub, it changes the D/s dynamic in that the sub may have territorial issues? How would you handle these issues if they existed? In my opinion it can foster an impression of more domliness rather than less. It is trying to relocate for a relationship for anyone, if a dominant can pull off being separated from their support network to make the relationship happen it can be a good thing. The second time Sinergy and I were able to spend a significant amount of time together (longer than one week), I helped him move. He had some funds problems because he had to spend a lot of money on this move, it was a stressful time for him, and yet he managed to remain in control over his feelings, over his stress, and managed to make me feel valued for my contribution in helping him. quote: After all, it is the submissive's home so would you make concessions around the fact of home ownership in regards to cleanliness and organization within the house? What if you were the one that was willing to clean and organize because you have more time to do so than your sub but your submissive says, "I feel like my identity is being taken away"? Perhaps this is more a female thing than a male thing? I would expect to have some say in organizational aspects whether I lived with him or he lived with me, we both have belongings after all, and I will probably be the one putting things away more because I am the submissive, seeing that I am the one that puts things away, shouldn't I have a say in where they go for efficiency? My Daddy has a maid, she cleans his house for him, he has mentioned wanting to keep her even when we move in together because he wants me to have more time to spend with him, instead of spending my free time cleaning... my time is more valuable than that, those are his words, not mine. I have a cleaning kink ....lol. quote: To me, I would think that "identity" is established from within and not surrounding material possessions and that territorialism is a means for control through manipulation. Your thoughts here? I do not define myself by the material possessions I have, and I would hope he does not either. I could live in a shoebox....smiles. I am really not caring as long as the place is clean and comfortable. He cares more than I do about possessions, but if he seemed really hung up on such things to the point they seemingly reflected his dominance I do not think we would be a good match.

littlesarbonn -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 8:38:47 AM)
A few years back, a dominant friend of mine fell on some hard times and needed a place to stay. I was living on campus at San Francisco State, so I offered her the opportunity to stay with me until she got back on her feet again. In the past, we'd done some playing, usually generated by her phoning me, telling me to meet her somewhere, and then taking charge from that point on. But even though she was obviously dominant to me, we were very, very good friends. When she moved in, she pretty much fell right into the mode we always had when we were together (formally at her bringing us together). She took charge, and she never really left any room for me to "keep my old ways" because she knew me well enough to know that she didn't have to cater to that situation. It worked really well, and we lived together for a couple of months until she finally figured things out for herself and then had me help her move into her new apartment. When I moved into a woman's place as her personal slave, it wasn't really all that much different. It was very obvious how things were going to be before I moved in, and when I did, there were a few attitude adjustments made that set the stage for the next few years, and everything worked out fine.

onlythewindknows -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 3:06:31 PM)
FANTASTIC question. wow talk about a hard limit for me... (never thought i really had one.) just thinking about it sets off a bunch of alarms in my head. now i have to wonder, why? the best reason i can formulate is that i need my Dominant to be autonomous. in turn, i prefer to be very - uh - expendable is the best word i can think of. if a lease or mortgage is in my name then he is essentially my tenant... i am his landLORD? this gives me way too much power and influence. i understand that this may work, or has worked, for some (Kalira, you are always the voice of calm reason) but, sorry, for me, it is one of those "don't go there" things. that said, if it came to it, i would in fact probably give him my house and live in an apartment (if i owned it outright, that is [;)]) this is just where i stand - it is not meant as a judgement on anyone else.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 3:18:30 PM)
I am moving to Angel's town, but into my own home. When we finally lok at houses after his graduation, it is stil going to be my house, even though it will be our home. I have moved into someone elses house before, and form the time I got there until the day I moved back out, it never did feel like MY home or OUR home. It was always his. I have noticed that, in my assocation with subs and their homes, the male subs I have been around were far more possessive of their space than the females. Even though submissive, they usually kept the man of the house feeling, which didnt sit well with me. just my observation DV

KatyLied -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 3:41:16 PM)
I would also try to make it as neutral as possible, with a blend of things we both own. My issue would be one of my "alone" time. I'm used to doing whatever I want, whenever, and not answering to anyone. And I would need to find a way to protect my solitude.

MmakeMme -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 3:48:08 PM)
When I started reading this thread, I misunderstood it. The thought of a Dom moving into ~my~ house left me shaking my head. There are a few Doms here who have nothing and flatly state in their profiles that they will not work to get anything for themselves. (Thanks for letting me know who to avoid.) I could not respect a man who is capable of working but will not - he could not be Dominant in my eyes (or heart or mind). But when I saw the responses about how a Dom could pull it off ................ yowza. Now ~that~ would be worth trying! It's very exciting to think about. A stressful situation in which the Dom remains in control and manages still to make me feel valued ... it would certainly be a cementing experience.

slavejali -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:02:38 PM)
It was interesting when we were back in "my" house. I used to pick up just in general conversations with Master that he always referred to it as "my" (as in mine not his) house. It used to concern me a bit and I would ask him why he did that as in my mind it was "ours". He said, that is just how it was, it was the basic fact of the situation, he also said he didn't have a problem with it, the fact it was "mine" was just the reality of the situation. So I suppose to answer another part of the OP, in my mind, in that way, it did upset the balance of our D/s/MS/ABC's of our relationship. I was never content with how he answered those queries of mine, it always felt, odd and out of place. When we moved and started with a clean slate, it was so wonderful. This is Masters house now and I feel so happy to share it with him...and those feelings make it "ours".

Kalira -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:47:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: slavejali It was interesting when we were back in "my" house. I used to pick up just in general conversations with Master that he always referred to it as "my" (as in mine not his) house. It used to concern me a bit and I would ask him why he did that as in my mind it was "ours". He said, that is just how it was, it was the basic fact of the situation, he also said he didn't have a problem with it, the fact it was "mine" was just the reality of the situation. So I suppose to answer another part of the OP, in my mind, in that way, it did upset the balance of our D/s/MS/ABC's of our relationship. I was never content with how he answered those queries of mine, it always felt, odd and out of place. When we moved and started with a clean slate, it was so wonderful. This is Masters house now and I feel so happy to share it with him...and those feelings make it "ours". LOL now see, when my late Master moved in with me, he had no issues about making it our home [8D] I did not change anything to make him more 'comfortable', and he did not demand that I do anything to change the house. He moved in, decided what needed working on, and just went about it like it was nothing. To add to this was the fact that he also brought 3 children from a previous relationship with him. They too wasted no time in carving out their own little niche within those walls [:)] I actually found the attitudes of others to be more annoying if you want the truth. I was blasted for allowing another to enter into a home that I owned and start handing out orders lol. ( it's amazing what family will say when they are pissed off at you )

behindmirrors -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 5:58:07 PM)
Since my Dom and I shared each other's apartments (though most of the time, for convinience for work, we were at his place) before we got a house together, I sort of understand this. The only concessions we really needed to make in our own spaces was making sure the other one had space for their things there, and that was all. He didn't make any changes to my place, and I didn't to his place- mostly since we knew it was temporary until his lease expired. The only thing we really had to accomodate was my cat- and he loved her, so she moved where I moved and that was easy. Getting our house has been nice- we both have many plans for it's restoration, and our belongings blend well with each other in style. He likes to have a say on what gets done when, and he allows me the freedom to make it look how I like it, just so he approves, too. Seems to be working well. I think a lot of these things just have to do with the mindset of the people involved and their feelings about it. behindmirrors.

PlayfulOne -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 6:51:14 PM)
I moved into her place, it was just the easiest way to make things work at the time. Before I ever stayed there in her mind it was Our place and I fell right along with feeling as if it were ours. She went out of her way to set up space and make room for my things before I ever moved in. As far as her things, I left them as they were. she has prety much free range in decorating and arrangin the house (though she does generally ask first, lol). I do['t really want to do it and she has excellent taste. I really don't think the space matters as much as the feelings and attitudes of those involved. K

LTRsubNW -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 6:58:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: bandit25 Kalira, what a wonderful way of expressing it. Truly.

MiladyElaine -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 7:34:38 PM)
I think it is a lot easier for a female sub to accept a Dominant or a male sub to accept a Dominant than it is for the female Domme to accept. It is more "natural" when the Dom moves in with his sub. It is why I need a slave. I would never move into his territory! Guess I'd find Myself homeless first.

MiladyElaine -> RE: Dominants moving into their sub's house (11/22/2006 7:38:42 PM)
I think it is a lot easier for a female sub to accept a Dominant or a male sub to accept a Dominant than it is for a female Domme to accept. It is more "natural" for a Dom to move in with a female sub. That is why I need a slave and I wouldn't move into his territory! Guess I would just be homeless first.

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