MadameBette
Posts: 62
Joined: 9/8/2004
From: Long Island, NY
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This is from an article I wrote, which appears on my website http://www.madamebette-bdsm-info.com within the essay “The Road to BDSM – stages of development". Hope it helps.
Coming out to your partner
I’m going to digress here for a bit, since this is not a ‘stage’ per se, but something that will come up in time, if you have a vanilla partner.
You may want your partner to share your enthusiasm and your interest.
Often, before you are ready to do so, there’s a period of uncertainty, fear and loneliness. This is perfectly normal. But if you have a relationship based on respect and trust, there shouldn’t be a problem with discussing your thoughts, feelings and needs. Discussion is not agreement, and your partner should hear you out, whether or not they are interested. If you feel however, that you don’t have the level of trust and mutual respect required, you probably should re-think your relationship, whether or not you decide to pursue your interest in BDSM.
Let’s talk about ‘coming out’ to your partner. Yes, you’re as excited as a kid with a new toy! At the same time, you may be feeling vulnerable, uncertain about the response you’ll get, and not a little afraid of rejection. When you decide to share, please don’t overdo it!
Some suggestions:
1) Be prepared. Have some factual information available. The Leather and Roses website has an excellent FAQ’s section. Download a few, so he/she has something to go on besides your opinions. Get some basic books, such as “S/M 101”, by Jay Wiseman, and “Screw The Roses”, by Philip Miller and Molly Devon, These and other books are available on the Bookshelf.
2) Don’t rush them. Give them time to digest and absorb it.
3) Don’t make BDSM the topic of all your conversations from now on. Use a little restraint! Pun intended!
4) Don’t hit them with a ‘wish-list’! It may be overwhelming just to learn of your interest, don’t expect them to immediately want to meet your needs and fantasies.
5) Don’t ‘let it all out’ at once. Bring it up, gauge their reaction, and then wait a bit. You can always add a little more when they are ready. Remember you didn’t get to this point in a day. So don’t expect them to, either.
The following is a yet unpublished excerpt from my series on Learning to Domme – Part 4
which is essentially for women who are vanilla and asked to dominate by their mates, or who are very new to the lifestyle.
Submissive? Slave? Masochist?
To help you understand, and appreciate, what you are hearing from your partner, you need to learn a few things about what the motivations for submission are.
Most people in the ‘vanilla’ world think, “A submissive, is a slave, is a masochist.”
Of course, that’s not true. They aren’t aware that there is any distinction between these words; to them, they all mean the same thing. But even among those in the Lifestyle, there are some who don’t like the term ‘slave’.
You need to know the subtle differences, if you’re not sure, so you can figure out what your partner is really looking for. He may even have the words confused himself!
A submissive surrenders control of his body and actions to his Mistress, often for erotic play.
A slave is also submissive, wants to please his Mistress in any way she chooses, which may, or may not, include sex as part of the ‘play’. They are usually, although not always, in a committed relationship.
A masochist is a person who seeks out pain, whether it’s physical or emotional. He may or may not be submissive.
A submissive or slave, may or may not be masochistic.
So, in order to proceed, you need to know whether your partner wants to be submissive, or be thought of, - and treated like - a slave, or is strictly masochistic, or a combination.
Slave?
Some people find the term ‘slave’, with it’s negative connotations, - being considered ‘less than’, it’s sexual implications, and especially the label of ‘being owned’, degrading. Yet, this is the very reason it appeals to those that prefer it!
To them, being a sex-toy, boy-toy, sex-slave or whatever they want to think of themselves, is very erotic and romantic! (And here you may have thought your guy didn’t have a romantic bone in his body!)
Whichever term your sub uses, the main point is that he wants to be submissive to you! He wants to give over to you, control of his life. He wants to do your bidding, to please you, serve you, to submit to you!
Let’s examine the ‘romance’ of ‘being owned’. There’s a definite allure to this concept. Look at the whole ‘bodice-ripper’ genre of fiction.
Hundreds of books hit the market each year with the theme of a heroine being held in the clutches of a dastardly, but ultimately ‘good’ character who ‘forces’ himself upon the poor, ‘innocent’ woman, making her do things she normally would be ashamed to do. And does she love it?
Oh, my, yes!
And because he ‘takes’ her against her will, there will be no guilt on her part.
It is the same with the submissive. By turning himself over to you, he is free to explore his ‘darker’ side, or ‘shadow’ as Jung called it, without shame or guilt.
This is important and healthy. We all, at times, need to examine our darker urges rather than keep them repressed or we risk having them come out in inappropriate ways.
You may be surprised yourself, at things that will come out when you let yourself ‘go’ and really get ‘into’ being the Domme!
Who would want to be submissive? Why are some masochistic?
Why do many men and women have this urge to be submissive, to want to give up control? For that matter, why are some of us dominant in our play, while others are submissive? What does a masochist get from his pain?
There are people who like being in control at all times. They are dominant both in their work and play, while others seem to be the opposite of who they are in their ‘real’ lives, either relinquishing control (sub) or finally being able to take control (Dom).
I’ve read many times that men who seek submission often have high-pressure jobs, and while I think this is true to a certain extent, who’s to say exactly what ‘high-pressure’ is?
The stresses of our lives can sometimes be overwhelming, no matter what our occupation. Pressures, stresses, responsibilities. These can be a burden to our ‘selfhood’ and may explain the appeal of masochism, and/or submission.
To some people, it’s the best ‘coping’ mechanism they have, the one that really works for them.
From Baumeister: “Masochism as an Escape from Self”: Awareness of self as a symbolic, schematic choosing entity is removed and replaced with a low level awareness of self as a physical body and locus of immediate sensations, or with a new identity with transformed symbolic meaning. <Masochism> …may be classed with exercise, intoxication, and meditation, all of which facilitate escape from normal self-awareness.
Is there anything wrong with people who use Dominance, submission and/or masochistic play in their lives?
Cowan (1982) describes her masochist patients as “successful by social standards: professionally, sexually, emotionally, culturally, in marriage or out. They are frequently individuals of admirable strength of character, possessed of strong “coping egos” and with an ethical sense of individual responsibility. ( pg31)
How we choose to cope with these pressures is our choice. If we don’t deal with them,
if there isn’t a mechanism that acts as a ‘safety valve’, they can make us ill, or even kill us. We all know this. So do doctors, psychiatrists and other health care professionals, and those who work in Human Resources.
Those who choose some form of BDSM, find their release in the activities and/or role play, of dominance, submission, or sadomasochism.
As Bob H, a well-known NY Dom says, “Other people repress their demons. We harness ours up and take them out for a ride.”
~ Bette
02/02/05 copywrite
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