RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse?

RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (Full Version)

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rocker -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 5:07:26 AM)
i think there is some great advice here on the board and that actually you are like most of us men. at least men who care. i would listen to Lady Darth and approach the subject slowly. if She likes alittle role play... then you may be onto something. i would be honest about it. i tend to be forthright but then i am single again so what do i know. continue on in helping with the little things and then saying little sweet words like for my Queen, for my beautiful Mistress, etc... it has worked for me in bars and i have met some really nice experiemental Ladies that way... after they got to know and liked me of course and since you are already in love... and are a man who cares... She already owns Your heart so i don't think you will have any problems if you go slow, be honest and loving... D/s is after all just a deeper loving than most... imo Good luck...

Hickory -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 1:33:21 PM)
Wow! What a wonderful outpouring of support and assistance. Thank you to all who have contributed. We approached this as is recommended for other “penetrating subjects” with a careful respect for unfamiliar feelings, goooooing reeaaaaly slooooowly and using lots of “lube”. (HA) We were able to establish that: There has clearly been an “elephant in the room” for some time. The “elephant” is my growing need to “make her happy” (there has been no value to naming this particular elephant yet) and that this elephant is much more manageable than the “It’s been great, but I need something (someone) else” elephant that she was afraid it might be. We agreed that the only way to eat an elephant like this is “a bite at a time” and the details of its care and feeding will all fall into place in their own time. Concerns over how to meet each other’s needs (and limits) in this area are irrelevant. Our only NEED that matters is the one we have for each other. As for limits, we can explore how (or if) they can be stretched or surpassed to meet our mutual desires. (We went looking for a couple this weekend and found them to be farther than they first appeared to be.) (SMIRK) I am more than welcome to “get my rocks off” on domestic activities (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc.) and why couldn’t I have developed this idiosyncrasy a long time ago. (HAHAHAHA) Once I have demonstrated consistency and longevity in this area, we may consider the exploration other ideas. (She seems to have a natural affinity for the subtleties of this Mistress business. Maybe this dish AIN’T just vanilla, after all…) I may refer to her as “Ma’am” occasionally, in response to a specific request, but I better watch it. It kinda boils down to this: my concept/ her context, my wish/ her command. Works for us. Thanks, again, for the interest and thoughtful advice. This thread has been very helpful and I leave it now to continue my education elsewhere. Although we have not explored this (or any) site, yet, I am sure we will, at some point. (Another bite for another time; this is a large elephant.) Meanwhile, for the interested (or prurient) I may continue our progress in this area with the journal function of the profile I created “on the other side”. I say may because there’s still some laundry to be done, it’s almost time to think about supper and I foresee another extended foot massage in her future… (HA!) Until then, I remain, “Bound to her by chains of love, forged and tested by a lifetime together.” Hickory

MizSuz -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 4:39:51 PM)
Hickory: Yours is a beautiful post that speaks of love and devotion. Show it to her! If she needs space to consider things and do her own learning - give it to her. People in relationships get to define their own terms, roles and rules. It sounds like you and your wife have always done that, so what if you decide introduce something new and unique to both of you? For all you know she's been perusing similar sites. It would NOT be the first time I've heard this story. And if she's not - well there are a LOT of resources out there if she wants them. Approach it as something fun to explore and share together.

MizSuz -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 5:01:46 PM)
Hickory, I've read three of your posts in this thread and they ALL say "I adore my wife" and "I am interested in finding a way to share that adoration with her in a way that IS adoring." Listen, 25 years and you are still completely gone on your wife. I only see you saying you want to find ways to adore her more deeply and to SHARE that with her, if she wants it. While I can appreciate that someone coming out to their spouse can be a problem, I see you vocalizing thoughtful considerations for your spouse, I see you being concerned for her comfort, I see you fervently wishing to not imply the opposite of what you mean for the sake of her feelings (ok, so that goes under consideration). The only thing I've seen in your posts that could be construed as "I want more" is "I want to share more deeply with HER." I get the feeling that you have communicated with your wife quite well for 25 years. You already know how to do it because you did it right here in writing. The thing you are hoping to share with her is a heightened awareness your devotion to her. You haven't said you want her to take on more responsibility nor cater to your wants. You have said you wish to share your love for her in a heightened way. I can't see how any woman who loves you, when approached the way you have done so in writing here, would be anything but interested in what what you are trying to say. My bet is she will be interested in what's inside you, just because it's inside you.

MizSuz -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 5:06:23 PM)
quote: It kinda boils down to this: my concept/ her context, my wish/ her command. Works for us. HA! I love being right. This was a great story. :) Thanks for sharing it. Now if I'd only read the entire thread before I started posting I'd see there was no need for all the previous. ahhh well. Good post!

onceburned -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 5:54:51 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MizSuz This was a great story. :) Thanks for sharing it. Yes, it was. How wonderful to read of such a happy outcome- and just in time for Valentine's Day too. [:)]

happypervert -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 7:16:02 PM)
quote: You haven't said you want her to take on more responsibility nor cater to your wants. That is a great point and perhaps this is what differentiates this case from others that have been discussed in these forums but haven't worked out well. Or perhaps it is just his service orientation -- saying "Hey I want to do stuff for you" is a pretty low maintenance way to approach it. Anyway, glad it's working out well, and this line: "I may refer to her as “Ma’am” occasionally, in response to a specific request, but I better watch it." makes me think she's a natural at it.

DeadofKnight -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/13/2005 8:49:18 PM)
Hickory, I have almost opened you topic to read many times in the past few days. I'm sure glad I did tonight. So many have given you great advice and their support in your endeavors. This has been wonderful to see what you are doing and that you want to share this with your love who is your mate. As one from a different perspective that did not work out as well, I am glad yours is progressing better than mine did. Congratulations to the both of you.

Kinkypupper -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/14/2005 10:56:52 AM)
hard question a LOT depends on HER inclination most if not all of things of this nature Will fail misurably. My suggestion "lead her to water but do not tell her to drink" If you are in the portland area perhaps you should take her to "kinkfest" in march. and let HER bring it up. If she does then great if she does NOT then either forget the whole idea or end the marrage. My last marrage ended as I was to kinky for her and when WE dated she knew all about my level of kink but she also "tried" to please me by accepting my watered down version that i kept with and so i am now no longer even dating in the "vanilla" world. Seekinga kink friendly marrage councelor is also an option.Go carefully or do not go at all or you WILL loose all.

GentleLady -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/16/2005 2:19:39 AM)
Hickory I grabbed this quote from a post you made on another thread. quote: I know from my wife's past that any physical expression of violence will be a hard limit for a quite a while. That’s OK; that’s who she is. There are all kinds of creative ways to build and exchange that kind of energy, without sending her mind to a “bad place” so I can send mine to “subspace”. Ya just gotta get creative. You reminded Me of something that happened a few years ago. Up until then I had a hard limit of never causing pain because of things that had happened in My past. I met a pain submissive and all we did was talk. I had the chance to ask many questions and the most important thing I learned was that he did not see it as pain....for him it was a way to receive great pleasure. It took Me another year of thinking about this before I was willing to even try. I had a lot of adjusting to do inside My head. I started slowly and he encouraged Me. his obvious pleasure kept Me trying. Eventually I discovered that I enjoy giving pain enough that I prefer pain submissives...a situation that I had thought could never happen. I am always aware of the fact that I do not wish to and will not 'hurt' them....but I can give them pain to increase the level of thier pleasure and this arouses Me and satisfies My needs. So you never know what may happen over time. Gentle Lady

Hickory -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/16/2005 4:47:09 AM)
Thank you, GL. You are absolutely right about "never say never". If I've learned one thing from waking up every day for 44+ years, it's that the only constant is change. Although it seems now that chances of my wife embracing these "interests" are as "slim as the Red Sox winning the World Series", as we all know, "slim ain't never". What I was trying to convey on the other post was that "Instant Life Change" can be like "Instant Coffee" - you get the fix, but it's usually watery and artificial, compared to "Slow Brewing". I am a completely different person than I was 5 - 10 - 15 - 25 years ago. So is "She Who Must Be Obeyed" (thank you John Mortimer and Horace Rumpole). We all constantly evolve and grow. I feel a strong pull to jump head first into the liberation and intensity of this lifestyle, but I know for me that by selecting the finest ingredients and carefully slow brewing the result, I'll get my "kick", and enjoy it more. I worry that those who say, "Wow, this is amazing and I need to completely re-order my life to it right now" might, in the end, be disappointed with the aftertaste. But, then, I'm a process kind of guy. Regards, Hickory

gonadsNstryfe -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/16/2005 7:44:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: strongnsubmissiv quote: ORIGINAL: Hickory She prefers the rugged, outdoors type and you, I hate to say it, are just too pail. OMG that was the punniest thing i've ever read. HAAHHA ! Thanks Hickory.... made me snort coffee allover my keys.... you owe me a new board [:P]

GentleLady -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (2/19/2005 12:41:00 AM)
Hickory That's okay because I am also process oriented....I am willing to concentrate on the groundwork and the details and wait for the results to emerge on their own. Best of luck to you. Gentle Lady

Vancouver_cinful -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (7/20/2005 3:59:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hickory I created a profile under “switch” because “beats the hell out of me??!” was not one of the available categories (would possibly confuse masochists, anyway, I imagine). ROFL... I empathize with your situation but I'm sorry I just have to say that that line is just too damn clever...I'm sure lots of newbies to this site would agree with you! Thanks for the belly laugh. Cin

MsIncognito -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (7/20/2005 6:48:27 PM)
Obviously you know your wife better than we do. If you think she's open to it then you're probably right. I, too, applaud you for your positive outlook. My only concern would be if she knee-jerks to the idea of power exchange. To someone who is new to all this hearing "I love doing things for you, honey" is a lot easier to swallow (and likely to earn you some brownie points, too [;)] ) than "I long to serve you, Mistress." You're probably smart enough to know better, but just a little caution. Best of luck you you.

sempermaster -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (7/21/2005 6:25:30 PM)
How you introduce it.... One word does define that, Communication. You have to open up to her and tell her about it. If you think this site is too strong, give her books that you can find at a book store (barnes & noble) where it explains the idea of power exchange. Don't get too far into at the begining. Its a new concept and can scare her. Take it slow and enjoy it.

fig -> RE: How to Introduce Power Exchange to Vanilla Spouse? (7/22/2005 4:52:31 PM)
fwiw, I've seen a couple like this at one of the munches. Teenage kids, etc etc etc. he came first, checked it out, then after a few times he brought the missus. She settled in and after a few times, one of the girls took her aside and had a heart to heart. After that, I noticed a vast change, and huge grins on thier faces whenever they come to a munch. This sort of process has been repeated a few times, I've noted. a couple may come to a munch, after discovering the bdsm side of themselves, and after discovering there is a whole world out there they havent been seeing and are encouraged to give it a fair crack of the whip... as you do. I've also done this regularly at the begining of a relationship that is with a vanilla girl. Introduce the concept of ropes without mentioning bdsm. blindfolds. safe sane and consensual rules. soft limits. hard limits. who is really in control and who has the power. safe words. All without mentioning bdsm. let them make the connection. and before you know it, they are gaging for more - its a release of sorts.

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