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Newbie with questions - 11/22/2006 9:10:23 PM

submadge

Posts: 1
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline

I am new here and new to the lifestyle. I never knew I was a sub. I just knew I like for a man to be in control in the bedroom. I have met a guy who is a dom and he has opened up a whole new world for me. I need all the help and advise I can get. He wants me to ask specific questions, but I don't know what to ask. I only know I want to please him and keep him happy. Any advice will be greatly appreciated! Thanks

Post #: 1

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/22/2006 9:27:04 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

Ask Him what you being a sub means (what he expects) - in and out of the bedroom. Think about it, and let Him know what you may or may not be able to submit to. We all have expectations, fantasies and limits. Being new, it may be difficult to determine what those are.

What do you want from a Dom? You get to chose. You are in high-demand here in this forum - be picky. Experience being a sub is not important to most.

Edited to add
It's great for a man to be in-control in the bedroom. Does that make us subs? I'm still not sure.

< Message edited by babysburnin -- 11/22/2006 9:35:22 PM >

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 2

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/22/2006 9:57:24 PM

behindmirrors

Posts: 340
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline

Welcome Submadge!
In regards to questions to be asked, there are quite a few- and always more as things progress. Communication is really key here, especially between you and your Dom of choice. Whatever responses you get here you will have to decide if they work for you or not.
You will have to ask yourself:
- What do I want in being submissive to another?
- What are my expectations for a relationship with a Dom?
- What are my expectations for my Dom?
- What things am I interested in trying?
- What things are absolute "no" sort of things for me? (hard limits)
- What things scare me, but that I might be willing to try in time? (soft limits)
- What kind of parameters do I want this relationship to have? (bedroom only, full time all the time, only when both feel like it, etc...)
- What are the feelings I want to derive from submission, and why are they important to me?
You will want to talk to your Dom about all these things, as well as:
- What are your expectations for me as your submissive?
- What do you want out of being my Dom?
- What kind of relationship do you hope to have with me?
- What things do you enjoy and do not enjoy?
- What limits do you have?
- Will I always be able to discuss things with you if I have concerns without fear?
- What will you bring to the relationship?
- Will I have a safeword to use if I feel I might be caused harm?
And the lists go on. You will find in time, like any relationship, that this becomes easier in time- trust is very important, and especially when you are discussing (and doing) such matters as these.

I encourage you to do as much research as you can, both online and in books. Like the advice you get here, take the pieces that fit for you, and leave the rest. Finding friends who are also in the lifestyle, especially submissives, will help too- someone to ask questions to if you are worried or just want a sounding board- though your Dom may require you to obtain permission for this first- ask him how he feels about it. You can always send me a message if you would like, and I'll help you out if I can.

With the best of luck to you-
behindmirrors.

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 3

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/22/2006 10:31:46 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Personally I think you've already made a huge mistake in concocting some "commitment" without any of the basic homework and diligence that goes into it.

My advice to newbies is to wait at least 6 months before making ANY commitment.

Lacking that (and it always is), here are some things you should read...

My advice for Novice Female Submissives

Newbie!

At a loss

I'm a new domme seeking advice

Does a slave also have to be a fool?

sub: totally new concept

Questions for other newbies

The Journey

Starting Out

New to the Life, Help

How to deal?

Request for Advice

Advice please: Relationships, bdsm, love and boundaries

First time sub seeking you advice- how to find the right master?

First time sub seeking advice

a newbie seeking advice

How can I be a great sub?

Brand new life

Help needed

Emotional Rollercoaster

Welcoming newbies

New to this

Just a few questions

Do's and Dont's

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 4

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 6:11:43 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: babysburnin
Edited to add
It's great for a man to be in-control in the bedroom. Does that make us subs? I'm still not sure.

In my opinion, not always. For me, giving someone control in the bedroom could be considered being a bottom, at most...mainly 'cause I do it so I can be done. MUCH less work for me. LMAO

But, to the question: Do communicate with your partner. Find out what image or thoughts he has in his head when he thinks about you being submissive to him. Is it simply being sexually ready for him at all times? Is it you turning over all assests and marrying him? What?

LA, as always, has posted good threads to check out. Find stuff to read, like castlerealm. And, come back when you have more questions.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 5

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 6:53:03 AM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

submadge,

Welcome to wonderland! Proceed with caution - heh heh. i don't say that to alarm you, just a thought. Most new subs get all fired up to do and try everything right away. i don't know that there's anyway to keep yourself from going there. So i can offer some protection ideas while you learn.

Try to connect with at least 2 other people in the lifestyle that you trust and who don't want anything from you - i.e. another sub with way more experience, or a Dom/Domina/sub couple. Learn about safecalls and do them everytime you meet a new person and until you feel safe with a Dom. Safecalls for me were wonderful. i had a Domina and her sub watching out for me. They called me when i was with the potential Dom to make sure everything was okay. This served to help me feel protected and it also signaled to the Dom that someone knew where i was and who i was with. Before you meet anyone get very pertinent information about them - if you can, their driver's license # is good. And trust your instincts.

You're not required to do anything at all until you consciously and voluntarily decide to. Remember if you agree to submit to someone for a night, it doesn't mean they own you now. Learn and study as much as you can and talk to people here. There are so many wonderful people here on CM who will be happy to share with you and help you.

Have fun and try to give yourself time before making a longterm commitment. It's a whole new world and much to discover, so try not to go too fast (yeah right). i say that because i've never met anyone who hasn't. lol.

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 6

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 6:53:21 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline

All very good advice indeed. May I also add to lurk lurk lurk here - read what others are saying. I hope your Dom is experienced in the lifestyle and not just using this as a bedroom game. A good Dom makes all the difference (as does a bad Dom).

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 7

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 7:02:03 AM

swtnsparkling

Posts: 1738
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Few more questions;
1-- what are your basic philosphies in regards to D/s?
2-- do you havea sub now? either r/t or online and do you plan on having more than 1, what kind of relatiosnship are you looking for?
3-how much time are you willing to give to a new sub? how much of her time do you require in return? would there be daily contact
4--what kind if any strucured training do you prefer to use, what sorts of disipline/punishment for infactions
5-- what kind of tasks do you ask your sub to perform for you?
6-- what person has infulenced your life most and why?
7-- what are your deepest desires/pleasures.what are your hopes for the relatiosnhip?
8--what in your opinion does the Dom receive in return for his time/protective care over his sub?
9-- what are your Rules / Limits.what do you require of your sub and yourself
10-- what about lending out your sub. do you? would you?
11-- what are your pet peeves and how do you react when your angry
12----what is the most important advise you could give to some one new to D/s ?

quote:

I encourage you to do as much research as you can, both online and in books. Like the advice you get here, take the pieces that fit for you, and leave the rest. Finding friends who are also in the lifestyle, especially submissives, will help too- someone to ask questions to if you are worried or just want a sounding board-

Totaly agree with this

< Message edited by swtnsparkling -- 11/23/2006 7:04:03 AM >

_____________________________

Never make anyone a priority who treats you as an option 2003

Walk in Peace

A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better than a "Yes" uttered merely to please

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 8

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 9:50:27 AM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

Read as much as you can. Talk to others. Attend munches and parties and get to know others that are in the lifestyle. I have found many to be wonderful sources of information and most not all but most are more than willing to share their knowledge with a novice. Just keep in mind if they sound too good too early they probably are. Check with references on the Doms you meet. That is a wonderful way of knowing their skill level in advance and if they can truly be trusted. I have been blessed with knowing 2 very long time lifers that have taught me much. Both have impecable reputations in the local community and that is for a reason. I have met some in the community i would not intrust my worst enemy too so keep your eyes open, listen carefully and read, read, read. Also not knowing your past if you have chatted on line or not but that was a big help to me in learning terminology and understanding a little more of what it is that we do. I personally did online for a year before stepping into real time and do not regret one minute of it. Was a learning experience. Oh and as someone said just because i give my submission to a Dom tonight does not mean it is His for more than that night. For me submission is given freely within a time frame. Now that i am considering a collar in the spring my submission is given more to the One although He encourages me to explore further since He knows what He wants and wants me to know for sure that i am wanting the same. At present i can't see me not wanting to be with Him forever which is His concept. When i accept His collar we will have known each other a year. An intense year. Talking on line daily, and usually daily on the phone and being together in person at minimum one time per week but more commonly 3 times per week. We spend a great deal of time together but are both taking time to get to know each other even better before we make a final committment. The Other that i play with is aware of the situation as it would be terribly unfair to not share that info with Him. Like i said both are very experienced and understand this world far more than i do and have been excellent guides. I also have sub friends that have helped me tremendously. I highly recommend finding life friends that you feel completely comfortable with and talking to them. Good luck. I know it can be a scary and exciting time just be careful.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to swtnsparkling)

Post #: 9

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 10:13:18 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

Read, talk to others, ask LOTS of questions ( and don't let someone tell you that asking questions is not very submissive like

), read some more, ask some more questions...and follow LA's advice about waiting some time before committing yourself to ANYTHING.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to submadge)

Post #: 10

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 11:53:25 AM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

Ask him the difference between a submissive and a slave.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 11

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 12:02:57 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Ask him the difference between a submissive and a slave.

Did you really have to go there!!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 12

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 12:47:19 PM

Level

Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

Ask him the difference between a submissive and a slave.

Did you really have to go there!!!!

Magik's slave

LOL, I guess it wouldn't be a helpful question..... okay, director, scratch that one!

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to MagiksSlave)

Post #: 13

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/23/2006 7:26:35 PM

briska

Posts: 126
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline

Before i met my Sir, i was completely new to the scene. We went out once, played once, and then i did a whole bunch of reading on anything i could get my hands on, so i could know what He would be talking about. i also talked to several different people, made friends, and looked inside myself for what being submissive meant. Eventually i got up the courage to ask for a collar, and my Sir and i took a long time to figure out what worked for us. for those just beginning, i reccomend doing some outside research as well as just seeing if this feels right for you.

Hope that rambley mess helped, hehe. :)

(in reply to Level)

Post #: 14

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/24/2006 5:15:18 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: behindmirrors

You will have to ask yourself:
- What do I want in being submissive to another?
- What are my expectations for a relationship with a Dom?
- What are my expectations for my Dom?
- What things am I interested in trying?
- What things are absolute "no" sort of things for me? (hard limits)
- What things scare me, but that I might be willing to try in time? (soft limits)
- What kind of parameters do I want this relationship to have? (bedroom only, full time all the time, only when both feel like it, etc...)
- What are the feelings I want to derive from submission, and why are they important to me?
You will want to talk to your Dom about all these things, as well as:
- What are your expectations for me as your submissive?
- What do you want out of being my Dom?
- What kind of relationship do you hope to have with me?
- What things do you enjoy and do not enjoy?
- What limits do you have?
- Will I always be able to discuss things with you if I have concerns without fear?
- What will you bring to the relationship?
- Will I have a safeword to use if I feel I might be caused harm?

Great list, which this newbie really appreciates. Many, many thanks!

(in reply to behindmirrors)

Post #: 15

RE: Newbie with questions - 11/24/2006 5:28:20 PM

dcnovice

Posts: 37282
Joined: 8/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

Lacking that (and it always is), here are some things you should read...

Thanks for always finding those links, LA! I only just discovered how to search the message boards.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 16

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